by Lisa Swift
‘Of course I’m not pissed off with you.’ She smiled a dazzling smile. ‘Why would I be? You’re a free agent, and so am I. Just like we always said.’
‘We’re still friends?’
‘Sure we are. See you, Theo.’
* * *
Lexie managed to drive home quite calmly. She’d actually convinced herself she was fine, that she didn’t care a lick who Theo was out with, until she opened the door to the living room, saw her flowers and burst into tears.
Connor looked up in alarm. ‘Shit, Lexie, what’s up?’
‘Oh… nothing.’ She wiped her eyes on her sleeve. ‘Nothing. Ignore me, I’m just feeling a bit emotional. Girl stuff.’
‘Did something happen? It did, didn’t it?’
She managed a wobbly smile. ‘Nothing you need to worry about. I’m being silly, that’s all. Let’s just have our pizzas, eh?’
‘Is it Dad, did he do something?’
‘No. Not him.’ She sat down by him and took out a tissue to mop her eyes. ‘Sorry, Con. I didn’t mean to go off like that in front of you. That wasn’t very mum-like, was it?’
‘What happened?’
‘Oh, I… your godfather’s out on a date. I ran into him in the restaurant.’
Connor frowned. ‘He’s what?’
‘It’s all right, Connor. We always said we weren’t exclusive. He’s entitled to see whoever he likes.’
‘Er, no he’s not.’
‘It’s my fault,’ Lexie said, blowing her nose. ‘I told him I was thinking about dating again myself. He thinks I’ve set up a Tinder profile. Only when it came to it, I couldn’t go through with it.’
‘Because you’re in love with him, right?’
She frowned. ‘What?’
‘Even I can see that and I’m bloody fourteen. Nana can too, we talked about it. You two are the only ones who can’t.’
‘It isn’t like that, Con.’
‘It’s totally like that. I don’t know why you don’t just tell him. You’re like kids about it, it’s epically pathetic.’
‘You think I’m in love with Theo?’ She stared blankly at the wall. ‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because he’s… Theo. He doesn’t do monogamy and he doesn’t fall in love. That’s his MO, as they say in the cop shows.’
Connor shrugged. ‘He does now. Are you going to tell him how you feel about him then, or are you staying in denial?’
Lexie squinted one eye at him. ‘When did you get so smart?’
‘I’ve always been smart. Smarter than you dumbass old people. Call him already, why don’t you?’
‘No, Con. I know Theo could never want the things I want. If I learnt one thing from being with your dad, it’s not to cling to hope when something’s obviously a lost cause. I’m sorry, but you’re making a fairy-tale ending where there just can’t be one.’
* * *
Theo’s phone buzzed and he glanced at the screen.
‘If you say you have to get that, I will be seriously unimpressed,’ Francesca said. ‘You already spent half our date chatting up another woman.’
‘I wasn’t chatting her up.’ The phone stopped. ‘There you go. Ignore it and it goes away. Problem solved.’
‘Who was it?’
‘Oh, just this kid I know.’ The phone started buzzing again.
‘For Christ’s sake!’ Francesca snatched it up and answered it. ‘Look, whoever this is, Theo’s out on a date right now. Can you call back another time?’
Apparently Connor couldn’t call back another time. Francesca passed the phone to Theo across the table.
‘He says it’s urgent, Uncle Theo,’ she said.
‘What is it, Con?’ he muttered. ‘I’m a bit busy here.’
‘Yeah, I fucking know you are,’ Connor said. ‘I’m not paying a quid for that f-bomb, by the way, because you had it coming. You made Lexie cry, you twat.’
He frowned. ‘What?’
‘She’s crying all over the place. What did you do that for? You told me you weren’t going to hurt her and now she’s the most upset I’ve ever seen her. Even Dad never made her cry this much and he was a total prick.’
‘I… didn’t mean to,’ Theo said dazedly. ‘Why is she crying?’
‘Er, because you’re out with someone else and she loves you?’
‘What? Don’t be daft.’
‘What is with you two?’ Connor demanded. ‘Are you allergic to stating the obvious or something? Just ask her to be your girlfriend already. She is anyway, which means you’re basically cheating on her. She’ll probably do that thing to you with the rusty penknife. I know what that means now, by the way, I googled it.’
‘She’s got a date arranged too. She told me.’
Theo could practically hear the boy’s eyes rolling. ‘God, you’re thick. Course she hasn’t got a date. She just wanted to make you jealous because you were on a date.’
‘Seriously?’ He glanced at Francesca. ‘I didn’t really make her cry, did I?’
‘Yeah, loads. I think you should come and apologise. I’ll give you an hour to get here, after that you’re dead to me. No pressure, Unc.’ He hung up.
‘What was all that about?’ Francesca asked.
‘I’m not quite sure,’ Theo said, feeling a bit dizzy. ‘I think I just got roundly bollocked by a child. And I think I kind of had it coming.’
‘Why?’
‘Because…’ He looked at her. ‘You ever been in love, Francesca?’
She frowned. ‘Well yes, of course I have. I mean, obviously I loved Jesse before I found out what kind of cheating scumbag he really was, and there were a few other serious boyfriends. Why?’
‘I’ve never been in love before,’ Theo muttered, half to himself. ‘My mum used to fall in love every couple of months, regular as clockwork. It shattered her heart over and over, and her mind too. I grew up watching it break her apart, and I promised myself I’d never let it happen to me. But it’s not that simple, is it? Not when someone comes along who’s…’ He laughed softly. ‘Who’s a once in a lifetime.’
‘Where are you going with this, Theo?’
‘I think… I’ve been completely blind.’ He pushed his fingers into his hair. ‘Christ, I’m an idiot. I mean, I’m such a fucking idiot! Through my own stupid stubborn ignorant fault I would’ve lost her, the best thing that ever… the happiest I’ve ever…’
Francesca looked completely bemused now. ‘What did that kid just say to you?’
‘Something I shouldn’t have needed to hear from him.’ He stood up. ‘Sorry, I—’
‘You have to go,’ she said, sighing. ‘Why does that not surprise me?’
‘Sorry. I really am sorry. You deserve better than this.’ He went round to her side of the table and planted a soft kiss on her cheek. ‘You’re a wonderful woman, Francesca. I hope you find someone who’ll make you happy.’
‘OK,’ she said in a softer voice. ‘I hope so too. Where are you going?’
‘To say three little words I never thought would come out of my mouth to the best friend I ever had, in the sincere hope she won’t give me a kick in the family jewels for my trouble.’
She blinked. ‘All right, that sounds pretty momentous. In that case, good luck.’
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lexie was in bed, a hot water bottle on her tummy, when her mobile started vibrating.
She ignored it. It’d only be Daryl. He’d been leaving her messages for days, claiming they needed to ‘talk’ – fight, in other words – but with a potential pregnancy to worry about, she really hadn’t had the energy for any more crap this week.
She’d run out of tears now. She must’ve squeezed the last one out about quarter of an hour ago, some time after she’d apologised to Connor and gone to her room to complete the unmumsy business of sobbing her heart out in private. Her eyes felt like ping-pong balls that had been rolled in damp sand.
She winced as another cramp tore through her. Or
was that her heart ripping apart? Possibly not, unless her biology was seriously faulty, but as a metaphor it felt appropriate. Ridiculous that it had taken Connor, a child, to make her realise something she must’ve been lying to herself about for months. Sometimes it took a kid to see through all the bullshit and wilful blindness that adults were so fond of conjuring for themselves.
Not that it made any difference. If she’d fallen in love with Theo, he surely felt no such thing for her. If he did, why would he be out on a date with another woman the very day he’d discovered Lexie wasn’t carrying his baby? Evidently his relief had been so great, he just couldn’t get his black book out fast enough. Same old Theo.
She felt the sting of more tears. Same old Theo… the Theo she couldn’t help loving, with all his flaws. Was he in bed with her now, the woman he’d been out with? She was very beautiful. Was he touching her like he touched Lexie? Kissing her, pleasuring her, making her… oh God.
Lexie felt suddenly nauseous. She threw her hot water bottle aside and dashed to the en suite, but nothing came out of her while she held her head over the toilet bowl except more tears.
When she stumbled back into the bedroom, her phone was buzzing again. She glanced at the screen, thinking that if it was bloody Daryl then she might just stick twenty quid in the swear jar and let rip.
But it wasn’t Daryl. It was Theo. She hesitated a moment before answering.
‘Hey,’ she said quietly.
‘Hi Lex.’
‘Still on your date?’
‘No. Date’s over.’
‘Oh.’ Lexie paused. ‘Listen, I’m sorry I was weird with you before. You had every right to be there with whoever you liked.’
‘That’s all right.’
She sighed. ‘Look, Theo, I’m glad you called. I’ve been thinking and… I don’t think I can do this any more. I thought I was a modern, liberated woman when it came to sex and dating, but I can’t see you and other people at the same time. I can’t think about you with someone else and not feel something. I’m just not wired that way.’
‘No, you’re right. I can’t do it either. Not any more.’
‘Right.’ She pressed her eyes closed. ‘So… I guess this is it then. No more friends with benefits. The end.’
‘I guess it is.’
‘Are we still friends?’
‘No, I don’t think we are,’ he said quietly. ‘At least, I hope not.’
She frowned. ‘What?’
‘Come downstairs, Lex.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I’m outside your front door.’
He hung up. She stared at the phone for a second before wandering dazedly down to open the door.
Theo was on the doorstep, still in the smart jeans and shirt he’d been wearing out on his date.
‘Alexis,’ he said, nodding.
‘Theophilos.’
‘Can I come in then?’
‘If you like.’
As soon as the door had closed, he took her hand and led her up to her bedroom.
‘Sit down,’ he said, gesturing to the bed.
‘Theo, what’s going on? What did you mean when you said we weren’t friends?’
‘I said I hoped we weren’t. Because… because I realised something tonight. Something I should have realised fucking ages ago.’
She sat down on the bed. Theo dropped to his knees and took her two hands in his, looking up at her earnestly.
‘I don’t want to be friends any more, Lex,’ he whispered, pressing her fingers to his lips. ‘What I mean is, I don’t want to be just friends.’
‘What?’
‘I was wrong, what I said that night in the pub. Sex isn’t like cricket at all.’ He kept tight hold of her hands, as if worried she might suddenly disappear. ‘You can’t just take a perfectly good friendship and start throwing in the occasional shag of an evening because there’s nothing good on the telly. I mean, I guess some people can, and you’d think if anyone could it’d be me, but it turns out I can’t. Because of you, Lexie Whittle. You’re the reason friends with benefits can’t work for me.’
‘Theo, I don’t understand.’
He took a deep breath. ‘You know when you said you wanted to start dating again and I said it was all right? That was a lie. It isn’t all right. I really, really don’t want you to do that.’
‘Why not?’ she whispered, her stomach jumping.
‘Because I’m in love you,’ he said simply. ‘I think you’re actually the love of my bloody life, and I’ve been hiding from it this whole time – since before we started all this, even. I don’t want you to go on dates with anyone but me, Lex. I don’t want anyone to touch you but me. I don’t want anyone to love you but me. I think you’re perfect and I want to keep you all to myself, in bed and out of it. From this moment on, you’re the only one I ever want to be with. Is that OK by you?’
She laughed, feeling light-headed. ‘Oh my God.’
‘Well?’ he said, smiling nervously. ‘Do I get an answer?’
‘What made you decide this?’
‘Connor. Apparently I’m far too much of a delusional wanker to see these things for myself. I need a kid to point them out to me first.’
She smiled. ‘Tell me about it. Here, love, come sit by me. I want to feel your arms around me.’
He sat by her on the bed and drew her against him.
‘Well?’ he whispered.
‘The answer’s yes, Theo. I mean, of course it’s yes, I love you. God knows how long for. Connor forced me to confront a few home truths tonight too.’
‘Lexie, sweetheart…’ Theo kissed her hair, and she snuggled against him.
‘Why did you go out with that girl?’ she whispered.
‘Because I thought you couldn’t possibly want what I’d started to realise I wanted: not with me. You sounded so relieved there wasn’t going to be a baby, and I…’ He sighed. ‘Honestly? I’d half started hoping there would be. Dreamed a little dream to myself, of me, you, Connor and the baby. A family of my own.’
‘Theo…’ She drew one finger over his cheek. ‘Really?’
‘Really.’
‘I thought a family was the last thing you wanted.’
He smiled, casting his eyes down. ‘I watched them bury my dad today, Lex.’
‘You went to the funeral?’ she said, frowning.
‘Not exactly. I just lingered a little way away and watched them throw in the earth. God, I felt so angry. It just made me think that if I had a baby on the way, I’d do fucking anything for that kid. I’d never give up on them, ever. I’ve let my dad scare me away from being a parent because I was terrified I might turn out to be like him, but he’s actually exactly the reason why I never would. I didn’t realise that until it seemed like it might really happen and I was forced to delve a bit more into the man I am.’ He planted a soft kiss on her lips. ‘And when I thought I’d be doing it with you, Lex, it didn’t seem scary at all. Not if I could do it with my best friend.’
‘Aww.’ She held onto him a little tighter. ‘You’d be a great dad, Theo.’
‘You really think so?’
‘I do. You only have to see how Connor adores you to know that.’
‘Well, I was in his bad books tonight,’ Theo said, smiling. ‘He gave me an hour to get my arse over here and apologise or – and I quote – I was dead to him. He didn’t appreciate me making you cry.’
‘He told you I was crying?’
‘Yep. Honestly, without him interfering I’m not sure I would’ve had the nerve to tell you how I felt. You seemed so relieved about the baby, I was sure you thought I was still a bad investment.’
She smiled. ‘Did I really call you that?’
‘You did, but I forgive you.’
‘He’s a lamb, that boy,’ she said fondly. ‘Mind you, he’s got a bloody nerve, ringing you behind my back when I specifically told him to keep his beak out of my love life. I don’t know whether to ground him or hug him.’
�
��You can decide in the morning when we tell him the good news. Personally, I’m going to buy him a few more birthday presents.’ He choked on a sob, laughing through his tears. ‘God, Lex, I’m sorry. I nearly fucked everything right up, didn’t I? If I’d gone to bed with Francesca tonight…’ He sighed. ‘Well, it wouldn’t have happened. Even without Con’s intervention, I know I couldn’t have gone through with it. After being with you, the whole date felt so shallow and pointless.’
‘I’ve been just as deluded as you. Whoever did we think we were kidding with that “meaningless sex” bollocks, eh? No one I was ever with could make me feel the way you do, Theo.’ She leaned back to look into his face, stroking a tear from the corner of his eye. ‘Let’s go to bed. I’d like to give my new boyfriend a nice, exclusive cuddle that’s just for him.’
He smiled. ‘My first proper girlfriend at the advanced age of thirty-four. That’s weird, right?’
‘I told you you’d settle down one day.’
She got under the covers as Theo stripped to his boxers. He climbed into bed and they snuggled into each other.
‘And I told you I wouldn’t if I had anything to do with it,’ he said, gently stroking her hair. ‘I didn’t realise you had a devious scheme up your sleeve to tame my wild ways.’
‘Yep. I actually planned this from day one, when I knocked you back in the casino. I knew you couldn’t resist falling for the only woman who hadn’t gone for your schtick since you were Con’s age.’
He kissed her softly. ‘I love you, Lexie Whittle. You have the honour of being the first person I’ve ever said that to. And, I sincerely believe, the last.’
‘I love you too, Teddy,’ she whispered. ‘I should’ve told you that long before now.’
He smiled. ‘You’re the only one who ever calls me that. I guess that’s why I like it.’
‘Only because you sneakily hid your embarrassing real name from me. Teddy’s for Theodore really. It doesn’t go with Theophilos.’
‘That’s another reason I like it.’ He kissed her. ‘Night night, beautiful. Love you.’
Lexie sighed as she buried her face in his chest, feeling that for the first time in her life, everything was just how it was meant to be.