Friends With Benefits

by Lisa Swift

  ‘No, but you’re still upset about what happened to your mum, and sounds like he is too, so it might be good for you to talk about it together, you know? Even if you still hate him afterwards, at least you’ve said everything. Like, I came out to my parents last night.’

  Connor glanced up at him. ‘Did you?’

  ‘Yeah. I was really worried about how they’d take it, especially my dad, but they were actually fine. Even if they hadn’t been though, I reckon I’d still have felt better for telling them. It’s been rubbish keeping it hidden, worrying about it all the time.’

  ‘You really think I’ll feel better if I talk to Dad?’

  ‘I think you both will, probably. I mean, don’t think I’m taking his side. He’s been really shitty to you and that’s totally not cool, obviously. But it must fuck you up all kinds of ways, seeing something like that happen to someone you love.’

  ‘I suppose,’ Connor muttered.

  He glanced up. Oli was looking down at him, his brown eyes filled with tender concern.

  ‘Ol?’ Connor whispered.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Will you kiss me again?’

  Oli hesitated. ‘You sure?’

  ‘Yeah. Don’t you want to?’

  ‘Well obvs, but I thought you said you weren’t into it right now.’

  ‘I don’t know if I’m ready for dating yet, but, um… well, a kiss might be good.’

  ‘OK, if you really want me to.’

  Connor wiped his eyes and brought his lips to Oli’s. It felt different to the other times they’d kissed, or to all the times he’d made out with Sophie. This kiss was sort of… soft. Sort of easy, with nothing to think about except that it felt good and right and full of feelings that were pleasant to experience. Above all, it felt like just what he needed after reliving memories that made him feel helpless, alone and unsupported. Connor wrapped his arms around his friend’s neck, allowing himself to get lost in the moment in a way he’d never been able to before.

  ‘Thanks, Ol,’ he whispered when they broke apart. ‘That was really nice.’

  Oli smiled shyly. ‘I’d started to think you didn’t like me like that any more.’

  ‘No, I do. I told you, I just wanted space to think about some stuff.’ Connor smiled too. ‘Actually though, you looked really hot as Wolverine.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Oli said, flushing. ‘So, um… you want to do it a bit more or you want to play Squadrons?’

  ‘I guess maybe do it a bit more?’ Connor said. ‘I’d better go home for tea soon though or Lexie’s going to stress.’

  ‘And are we… like, boyfriends now? We wouldn’t have to tell anybody. It could be secret.’

  ‘Dunno. Do we have to say we’re something? Maybe we should just see what happens.’

  ‘Yeah, all right. Do you reckon you’ll talk to your dad then?’

  Connor stared thoughtfully at his trainers. ‘I’ll think about it. Thanks for listening, Ol. You’ve been great today.’

  ‘That’s OK. You can always tell me stuff, you know.’

  Connor smiled. ‘Yeah. Yeah, I know I can.’

  Their lips met for another kiss.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Daryl was at the cooker frying vegetables when Lexie got in from work.

  ‘Good day?’ he asked.

  ‘Manic. I’ve spent most of my time between customers finalising briefs and schedules for the temps we’ve hired to help at the festival tomorrow. What have you been up to?’

  ‘I picked up my rental car this morning and I’ve been in Manchester most of the afternoon. Had a few meetings, then spent a bit of time getting Connor’s room in the flat ready. I bought him a Death Star lamp.’

  ‘He’ll like that.’

  ‘I rented a costume too. For tomorrow.’

  She frowned. ‘What, you’re coming?’

  ‘Of course. I want to support your event, and I thought it’d be a good opportunity to spend some time with Connor. Is that OK?’

  ‘I suppose, but…’

  ‘…you’re worried it’ll kick off with Theo again,’ he said with a wry smile. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll try to stay out of his way. I just want to have a day out with my son, that’s all.’

  ‘Well, all right.’ Lexie nodded to what he was cooking. ‘Smells tasty. Are you making tea tonight then?’

  ‘Yes, I picked up the ingredients while I was out. It’s chicken chow mein, hope that’s all right.’

  ‘Sounds good to me.’ Lexie leaned over him to add a splash of soy sauce. ‘Here. You always make it too dry.’

  He smiled. ‘Just like old times, eh? You bossing me about in the kitchen.’

  ‘Well, not quite like old times. We haven’t had a row yet.’ She opened the fridge. ‘Glass of something?’

  ‘Maybe later.’ He glanced up from the pan. ‘Connor’s still not home. Does he normally stay out this long with his friends?’

  ‘He went over to his mate Oliver’s house after they’d finished gaming, I got a text. Oli only lives a few streets away. I told him to be back by six for tea so he shouldn’t be long.’

  ‘What happened to the girlfriend he had?’

  ‘It didn’t work out. They’re still friends though. He’s actually been at hers today.’

  ‘That’s grown up of them.’

  ‘He’s pretty mature for his age.’ She smiled at him. ‘Maybe we could learn a thing or two, eh?’

  He shrugged. ‘We do all right when we make the effort.’

  ‘You mean when you make the effort.’

  ‘All right, I guess I deserved that.’

  ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have a dig when you’re making me food, should I?’ She went to stand by him, sipping her wine as she watched him stir the veg. ‘To be honest, Theo and me were kind of relieved when Con and Sophie broke up. He’s very young to be doing that sort of adult dating. I can’t help worrying about things moving faster than he’s ready for.’

  He frowned. ‘What’s Connor’s love life got to do with Theo?’

  ‘He is the boy’s godfather, Daz,’ she said. ‘The two of them have got pretty close since you moved. Connor missed having a male presence in his life, I think, and so he naturally turned to his Uncle Theo. It’s tough not having your dad around when you’re growing from a boy into a man.’

  Daryl sighed. ‘I wasn’t much of a presence even when I was at home, was I?’

  ‘Well, you’re here now.’

  ‘For all the good it does me,’ he muttered. ‘He won’t even look at me. What should I do, Lex? I’m worried I might’ve alienated him for good.’

  ‘He’s got a lot to process. Let him come to you, build the relationship on his own terms.’

  ‘And if he doesn’t?’

  ‘I think he will. Eventually.’ She glanced at the sizzling pan. ‘I’d stick a star anise in that, give it a bit of kick.’

  ‘Have you got any?’

  ‘Somewhere.’

  She rifled through a cupboard and handed him a jar.

  ‘Thanks,’ he said, smiling. ‘I’ve missed having someone to back-seat cook for me.’

  ‘Yeah, God knows how you’ve managed without me. All those years in the restaurant trade and you still can’t serve up a decent stir-fry.’

  ‘It’s not my fault you’re a spice junkie. You’ve destroyed your taste buds glugging wine, love.’

  ‘All right, don’t get cheeky.’

  He looked up to smile at her. ‘Come on, Lex, admit it. There were times when our marriage wasn’t one hundred per cent awful.’

  ‘I never denied that. I still have fond memories of that holiday to the Highlands.’

  He laughed. ‘I remember. I wanted to go to Portugal, but Connor had just started Cubs and gone suddenly mad for camping so the two of you conspired against me. Three solid days of rain and my walking boots got eaten by a cow.’

  ‘Your face, mate,’ Lexie said, laughing too. ‘When you woke up and found this horned, shaggy head poking into our tent, nibbling y
our laces.’

  ‘One in a long line of Daryl Carson holiday disasters. Remember the day I proposed?’

  ‘Wouldn’t forget that, would I?’

  ‘Weekend trip to Paris, picnic under the Eiffel Tower, the best champagne, and I’d got a patisserie to ice “marry me” onto an eclair. I planned it out so carefully.’

  Lexie couldn’t help smiling when she remembered the helpless expression on Daryl’s face as he’d been about to pop the question, only to be interrupted by a Japanese tourist asking if one of them could take a photo of him and his wife.

  ‘It was very unfair when you’d tried so hard to get everything perfect,’ she said. ‘I really don’t think that couple knew what was going on though.’

  ‘I was down on one knee, you’d think that would’ve been a clue.’

  ‘Yeah, but holding up an eclair,’ she said with a laugh. ‘I said yes, didn’t I?’

  ‘I suppose that was the main thing.’

  They heard the front door open.

  ‘Lexie, I’m home!’ Connor called. ‘Going to my room.’

  ‘Tea in half an hour!’ Lexie called back.

  ‘Can I eat it upstairs?’

  ‘No, you can eat at the table with me and your father.’

  ‘Ugh. Fine.’ There was the sound of galloping feet as he disappeared upstairs.

  ‘Think I’ll be waiting a while for him to come to me,’ Daryl said, smiling sadly.

  ‘Just give him time.’

  ‘Well, you know him best.’ He turned to her. ‘Lexie, I’m sorry.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘For leaving you to do all the parent stuff. For all the times I flew off the handle. For the things I said that hurt you. For not being over Elise enough to appreciate how lucky I was to have you.’

  ‘Oh.’ Lexie flushed slightly. ‘Well, that’s… thanks.’

  ‘I never used to have a temper. I bottled too much up when she died, I think. It felt like I was constantly simmering, ready to pop at the slightest thing, and it was you and Connor who got caught in the shrapnel.’

  Lexie squinted at him. ‘That therapy programme really is good, isn’t it?’

  ‘It’s certainly changed me, but I’ve a way to go until I can say I’m healed. Managing the anger’s still a big problem.’ He put down his wooden spoon to squeeze her arm. ‘I know it was my fault our marriage didn’t work, Lex, and I’m sorry for it. You tried everything to get through to me and I gave you nothing back. Do you forgive me?’

  ‘Well, yes. If it’s important to you, then of course I do,’ she said, glancing down at the hand on her arm. ‘I think the best thing we can do now is make a clean, amicable break and move on with our lives. Perhaps we might even manage to be friends, now we’ve talked a few things over. We’ll always have Connor to bind us.’

  ‘Exactly. Connor.’ He met her gaze. ‘Lexie, you said he needed stability. That was why you didn’t want to date.’

  She felt her cheeks colour and hoped he’d blame the wine.

  ‘I don’t want boyfriends coming and going, running the risk of him becoming attached to people who might not be a constant presence in his life,’ she said. ‘What of it?’

  ‘Well, I wondered… I’m not talking about a reconciliation as such, but given I’m going to be a presence in his life anyway then perhaps you might like to have dinner with me one evening.’

  She shook her head. ‘Come on, Daryl. After everything that’s happened, you aren’t seriously asking me out on a date?’

  ‘Yes. A clean-slate date.’ He took her hand. ‘We had something once: something I was too damaged to appreciate. But I’m on the path to healing now, Lexie, even if I’m not quite there. It wouldn’t be like it was before.’

  She turned her face away. ‘Daryl, I’m sorry, but no. Me and you, that’s in the past. We can’t go back.’

  ‘I’m not talking about going back.’ He squeezed her fingers. ‘I’m talking about going forward. Not picking up where we left off, but starting again. The future could be a very different place with you in my life. And think how positive it would be for Connor if we could only—’

  ‘What’s going on in here?’

  Connor was standing at the door, watching them from under a deep scowl. Lexie jerked her hand away from Daryl’s fingers.

  ‘Connor,’ she said, feeling flustered. ‘Your dad was just… tea’s not ready yet.’

  ‘I know. Came to get a Cheestring.’

  ‘All right, well, help yourself. Just one before you eat though.’

  He took one from the fridge and cast the pair of them a suspicious glance before going back to his room.

  ‘I’m sorry, Daz,’ she said when Connor had gone. ‘I do forgive you. I don’t bear any ill will, but if you want anything more than friendship from me now, well, I’ve got nothing to offer.’

  ‘Why not? You said there was no one else.’

  ‘Being single doesn’t mean I’m emotionally available. I appreciate you wanting to make amends, but you need to focus on Connor.’

  * * *

  In his room, Connor threw himself face-down on the bed and rang Theo.

  ‘Hiya kiddo,’ Theo said. ‘What’s today’s crisis then? Are my fairy godfather services required?’

  ‘Just sick of Dad being here,’ Connor muttered. ‘I wish you could come over.’

  ‘Well, it’s only for another couple of days. Are you two not getting along?’

  ‘I try and stay out of his way, but he keeps trying to talk to me.’

  ‘Don’t you want to talk to him?’

  ‘No. Why should I? He never wanted me in his life before.’ He scowled darkly at Darth Vader on his wall, quite literally the poster boy for shitty fathers. ‘Now I don’t want him in mine and it serves him right.’

  ‘Lexie says he seems to genuinely want to make amends though. Perhaps you ought to hear what he has to say before you make your mind up.’

  ‘Why are you defending him?’ Connor demanded. ‘Last time I saw you, you were getting ready to batter him.’

  ‘Well, that was wrong of me. Your dad and me are never going to be friends again, but I shouldn’t have been violent. That was stupid and childish.’

  ‘Oli reckons I should talk to him too. He reckons me and Dad need to talk about Mum.’

  ‘He’s a sensible boy, that Oli. I think he’s right.’

  ‘I don’t know why you’re all on Dad’s side now,’ Connor muttered. ‘I rang you because I thought you’d be on mine.’

  ‘I am on yours, Con. That’s why in spite of how I feel towards your dad, I’m trying to give you advice I think will help you,’ Theo said gently. ‘Trust me, as someone who let a lack of relationship with his father nearly ruin his happiness, it’s something you ought to confront while your dad’s still around for you to do it.’

  ‘How did you let it ruin your happiness?’

  ‘Because it fed into my fears about relationships and parenthood, and made me lie to myself about my feelings for your stepmum. Good thing I had you to sort me out, eh?’

  ‘You love Lexie a lot, don’t you?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said quietly. ‘I really do.’

  ‘What does it feel like, when you love someone like that?’

  ‘It feels…’ Theo paused. ‘It’s hard to explain. Like they understand you. Like they’re on your side. Like you don’t need to try to be anyone else when you’re with them. Kind of like best friends squared, but with smooching.’

  Connor smiled. ‘I can’t believe you just said “smooching”.’

  ‘Well as you’re so fond of reminding me, I am very, very ancient,’ Theo said. ‘Why the sudden interest in The Big L, Connor?’

  ‘Well…’ He lowered his voice. ‘I kissed Oli again today. Only it was different this time. He was being all nice and understanding about Dad, then we kissed and it was just really sort of easy, like you said. Like I didn’t have to worry about anything while I was doing it, you know? He wants us to be boyfriends, but secretly.�
��

  ‘And what do you want?’

  ‘I’m… not sure. I think maybe I want that too. I feel like I might be ready now, if we can go slow.’

  ‘Well, if you think it’ll make you happy then I say go for it. You two seem pretty right for each other. I’m not sure I could resist someone who gave me a Boba Fett keyring for my birthday either.’

  Connor smiled, glancing at the Lego figure dangling from his rucksack. ‘Yeah, that was pretty sweet. Thanks, Theo.’

  Lexie’s voice sailed up the stairs.

  ‘Connor! Food!’

  ‘Ugh,’ Connor said, rolling his eyes. ‘I have to go. Lexie’s making me eat with her and Dad so we can pretend we’re a normal family instead of a bunch of freaks who hate each other.’

  ‘All right. See you soon, eh?’

  ‘Theo…’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘I’m worried about something,’ he said in a low voice.

  ‘About Oli?’

  ‘No, Lexie. She was being all weird before.’

  ‘Weird how?’

  ‘Her and Dad were cooking together in the kitchen when I got home, laughing like twats just like they used to do in the olden days, before they started hating each other. Then I walked in on him holding her hand and saying how it would be good for me if they did something or other.’

  ‘What something or other?’

  ‘I didn’t hear but I guess maybe stopping the divorce. Then when Lexie saw me there, she looked all embarrassed about it.’

  ‘Right,’ Theo said quietly.

  ‘I don’t think she likes him more than you, but I think he might want to get her back. Do you think he does?’

  ‘Well, I don’t know,’ Theo said vaguely, as if his mind had wandered elsewhere. ‘He cared about her a lot, once.’

  ‘I wish you could come round. It feels all wrong with him here and you not.’

  ‘Thanks, kid.’ Theo sounded sober. ‘Ring me whenever you want a chat, OK?’

  ‘I will, thanks.’

  Chapter Thirty

  ‘What’s this?’ Connor asked when he joined Lexie and his dad at the kitchen table, eyeing the bowl of noodles.

  ‘It’s chicken chow mein,’ Lexie told him. ‘Your dad made it.’