Friends With Benefits

by Lisa Swift

  ‘I’m not like me any more. Not like the old me.’

  ‘Why?’

  Theo shrugged. ‘Lexie. She made me realise that a relationship with someone I really loved could give my life all the meaning it lacked, if I just stopped being afraid and opened myself up to it.’ He smiled. ‘And Con might’ve had something to do with it. I spent my life being terrified of fatherhood, thanks to the shining example set by my old man, then discovered I’d become a sort-of dad almost by accident. It made me think it wouldn’t be so terrible, having a family, if I could have someone like Lexie to do it with.’

  ‘I thought that once too,’ Daryl murmured. ‘Well, I’m not sure I can quite give my wholehearted blessing. I mean, it does hurt. But… I suppose I’m glad she’s happy.’

  ‘She told me you asked her to choose between me and Connor.’

  ‘Yes. She chose him.’

  ‘Of course she did. She’d always choose him. You should’ve known that without asking.’

  ‘He wouldn’t let her go through with it though.’ Daryl stared out into the night. ‘That was pretty fucking noble, wasn’t it?’

  ‘I told you, he’s an amazing kid. You should get to know him a bit better and find out for yourself.’

  ‘If he’ll let me after this.’ Daryl indicated for the next left. ‘Nearly there.’

  ‘You said Connor knew one person in Leeds. Who is it? A relative?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Daryl nodded to a sign showing they were heading for Lawnhill Crematorium. ‘His mum.’

  * * *

  It was dark when they pulled up in the cemetery car park and got out of the car.

  ‘I haven’t been here since the funeral,’ Daryl muttered. ‘I never could bring myself to visit the grave.’

  ‘I hope you’re right about this,’ Theo whispered.

  ‘This must be where he’s heading.’ He pushed open the iron gate that led inside. ‘I just hope he’s here and not still with this sleazy bloke he went off with.’

  Theo and Daryl both turned on their phone torches and shone them around the cemetery. Theo felt himself shudder. Being here reminded him of the last time he’d set foot in a graveyard, when he’d gone to deliver a final ‘goodbye and fuck you’ to his dad.

  The phone beams were pretty weedy, but as they walked across the damp grass they could just make out a lanky figure sitting cross-legged in front of a headstone in the distance.

  ‘Connor,’ Theo whispered. ‘Is it? Is that him?’

  ‘Oh, thank God,’ Daryl muttered. ‘Thank God!’

  ‘It is him.’ Theo let out a laughing sob, clutching at Daryl’s arm. ‘He’s safe, Daz.’

  ‘Who’s there?’ Connor’s tear-choked voice called into the darkness.

  ‘It’s OK,’ Daryl called back. ‘Don’t be afraid. It’s me, Connor. It’s Dad.’

  The relief that surged through Theo felt like a lead weight being lifted from his chest. He was about to run to Connor and pull him into a hug when he stopped himself.

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘Daryl, you need to do this.’

  ‘Both of us. Come on.’

  Theo shook his head. ‘No, you’re his father. I’ll wait in the car. I can ring Lexie, let her know he’s safe and we’ll be bringing him home soon, and tell the police they can call off the search. You go win back your son.’ He pressed the Morecambe photo into Daryl’s hand. ‘Good luck, mate.’

  * * *

  ‘Who’s there?’ Connor called out. All he could see through his swimming eyes was a wobbly torch beam pointed in his direction, and a man’s silhouetted figure. Or were there two? He couldn’t tell through the tears.

  ‘It’s OK,’ a voice called through the darkness. ‘Don’t be afraid. It’s me, Connor. It’s Dad.’

  Connor scrambled back against the gravestone, hugging his knees to him, as his father approached.

  ‘Oh, thank Christ you’re safe,’ Daryl said, exhaling with relief. ‘I was so worried.’

  ‘Yeah, well don’t bother trying to ground me. You can call the police or do whatever you want, but I’d rather go to prison than go back with you.’

  ‘I’m not going to make you go anywhere you don’t want to.’ Daryl sank to his knees beside his son. ‘Are you OK? You’re not hurt or anything?’

  ‘I’m OK.’

  ‘Thank God.’ Daryl looked at the white marble gravestone and flinched. He was silent for a moment, as if struggling with strong emotion, before speaking again. ‘Did you come to ask Mum for some advice?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Connor choked on a sob. ‘I didn’t know where else to go,’ he said in a low, tremulous voice. ‘I was scared and I thought if I went to Lexie, you’d probably get her arrested or something for having me there, and I… I wanted my mum.’

  ‘Of course you did,’ Daryl said gently. ‘I did a terrible thing to you, Connor. It was cruel and… and inexcusable. You’re right, I was jealous, and I let my anger get the better of me.’ He looked at Elise’s name on the gravestone. ‘Your mother would be ashamed of me. I’m ashamed of myself.’

  Connor stared at him, watching as the tears streamed down his dad’s face.

  ‘You’re crying,’ he said in disbelief.

  ‘I’m crying because you’re safe,’ Daryl said with a wet laugh. ‘Connor, you don’t know the hell I’ve been through tonight. God, I was so afraid you were in some kind of terrible danger. Who was the man you left the station with?’

  ‘How do you know about that?’

  ‘Me and Uncle Theo have been all over the place trying to find you. Your mum’s worried sick – I mean, your other mum. The police are hunting for you all over Manchester.’

  Connor frowned. ‘Theo?’

  Daryl nodded. ‘He’s waiting in the car.’

  ‘What, you two came here together? You hate each other.’

  ‘Well, we discovered tonight that we don’t hate each other as much as we thought we did. Not when someone we both loved was in danger.’

  ‘So you’re friends again?’

  ‘Yes, I think we are. Not the same as before, but… let’s say we understand each other again. Can I have a hug then?’

  Connor hesitated before nodding, and his dad hugged him tightly.

  ‘Thank God you’re safe,’ he whispered. ‘I thought I might lose someone else I love tonight.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Connor whispered. ‘I didn’t know what else to do.’

  ‘Who was the man you got a lift with? Did he try to hurt you or… or anything?’

  ‘I didn’t go with him in the end. I was being stupid. I knew Lexie would kill me if I got into a car with a stranger, and he was being pretty sketchy, asking me about boyfriends and that. I told him I had to take a slash then ran off and caught the coach.’

  ‘Well thank goodness you had that much common sense left,’ Daryl said as he let him go. ‘Connor, I’m sorry. I treated you like a child while behaving like one myself. I promise that from now on, nothing happens without us discussing it as a family: you, me and your stepmum.’

  Connor blinked. ‘You mean it?’

  ‘Yes, I mean it. And I’m sorry I acted like a pillock when you told me about your sexuality. I suppose… I suppose I’m not as modern about these things as I ought to be. Your boyfriend seems like a nice lad.’

  ‘Yeah, he’s great.’

  ‘Well I’d love to get to know him better, if you still want a relationship with me after the way I behaved. That’s entirely up to you, Connor. Just know that I’ll be happy with whatever makes you happy.’

  ‘Are you really letting me go home?’

  ‘I am, but I’d like it if we could still see each other. I know it’s hard to believe, but I really did come back to England for you.’

  Connor shook his head. ‘You wanted to get back with Lexie. I heard you say so.’

  ‘I hoped there was a chance we could all be a family again, yes. I think what I’ve learnt today is that we’re going to be a different sort of family, if you’ll have me, and, well, that’s fine too.�
��

  Connor still looked wary. ‘You won’t get mad and act like a dick again, will you?’

  ‘Not this time,’ Daryl said. ‘I’m going to talk to Lexie about her legally adopting you, like I should’ve let her do years ago. Then we’ll have equal parental status in law and you won’t need to worry. How does that sound?’

  For the first time since his dad had shown up, Connor smiled. ‘Yeah. I’d like that loads actually.’

  Daryl reached into his pocket for the Morecambe photo and handed it to his son. ‘You think you might fold me back into the picture one of these days?’

  ‘I might. If you deserve it.’

  ‘That’s the only opportunity I want. To earn my place again.’ Daryl glanced at the gravestone and blinked hard. ‘I found it very hard to deal with having you around me after I lost your mum, Connor. There was so much of her in you that even seeing you triggered this unspeakable pain and guilt. Her eyes in your face, looking at me with so much trust and love and hurt, just as they had that awful day when I couldn’t… God, it was a daily torture to me. That’s the stark truth, son, and I hate myself for it. But now I’ve absorbed some of that pain and you’ve grown up to become this amazing young man, I just think what a miracle it is that a part of the woman I loved is alive inside you. I know I haven’t truly lost her while I’ve got my boy. As long as he still wants me as his dad.’

  ‘I guess I do,’ Connor muttered. ‘I always did, only I thought you didn’t care about me any more.’

  ‘That was never true, Connor,’ Daryl said softly.

  ‘No. I get that now.’

  ‘So did Mum give you any good advice then?’

  ‘Yeah, kind of. Being here made me think about her, and that made me think about you. I imagined her telling me to try to understand why you acted the way you did and not hate you for the rest of my life, like Theo did to his dad.’

  Daryl smiled. ‘Told you not to be too hard on me, did she? That sounds like my girl.’

  ‘You miss her?’

  ‘Every day.’ Daryl bowed his head, and his voice trembled. ‘Every day, Connor.’

  ‘I do too. I’m sorry, Dad.’

  Daryl glanced at a wreath of flowers resting on the gravestone. ‘You brought these?’

  ‘Me, Lexie and Nana brought them on Mum’s birthday.’

  ‘I should’ve been up here before now,’ Daryl murmured.

  ‘What was Mum like? I mean, when she was my age. Nana tells me about her when I ask, but she always talks about when she was a little girl. I guess that’s how she likes to remember her.’

  ‘Well, she was very pretty,’ Daryl said, a distant look coming into his eyes. ‘And funny, really funny. Bright too. She could’ve gone out with any lad in our year if she’d wanted.’

  ‘How come she went out with you then?’

  He laughed. ‘I’ve often wondered. I think it must’ve been my bad-boy charm. I was going through a grunge phase at the time.’

  Connor smiled. ‘Really, you?’

  ‘Yep. Green hair, earring, the lot.’

  ‘I never saw any photos of you with green hair.’

  ‘No. I put them all away when Mum died.’ He looked at Elise’s name again and closed his eyes for a moment. ‘I wasn’t stupid, I knew my luck had come in the day she agreed to go out with me. Knowing someone like your mum wanted to be with me… it made me a better person. Made me feel like I had to earn it. I wish I’d known how short the time we’d have together would be. I’d have savoured every minute, if I’d known. Every look, every touch, every smile. Some mornings I still wake up and reach out for her, then it hits me all over again that she’s…’ He swallowed a sob. ‘I thought we’d grow old together, Connor,’ he said in a broken voice. ‘Watch you grow up and have kids of your own, maybe even live long enough to see them have kids. I never thought…’ He trailed off as he gave in to tears.

  ‘I’m sorry, Dad. That wasn’t fair, what happened to you.’ Connor hesitated before putting an arm around his father and patting him on the back. ‘I think about her all the time, you know.’

  ‘I thought you must’ve forgotten her,’ Daryl whispered. ‘Lexie’s your real mum now, I suppose.’

  ‘They both are. And I haven’t forgotten her. I never will, I promise. She’ll always be my mum.’

  Daryl wiped his eyes and smiled. ‘You’re a clever little sod, Connor Carson. How did you know I needed to hear that?’

  He shrugged. ‘It’s how I feel, that’s all.’

  ‘Well, come on.’ Daryl stood up. ‘Let’s say goodbye to this mum and get you home to the one who’s currently worrying herself sick about you. I think you’re in serious danger of Lexie hugging you until you pop when I take you back.’

  Epilogue

  Eight months later…

  Lexie knocked on the door of Connor’s room in the snug little Leyholme cottage they’d moved into after the big house had finally been sold.

  ‘Come on, Cap,’ she called. ‘Your dad’ll be here to pick you up any time now. Don’t want to be late for your first Pride, do you?’

  She went down to the kitchen, where Theo was crying his eyes out over the red onion he was chopping.

  ‘Aww, Teddy, don’t cry,’ she said, putting her arms round his middle. ‘The onion had a good life. It was just his time.’

  ‘So you’ve come to mock me, have you?’ He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and turned to give her a kiss. ‘Lucky for you you’re such a hot piece of ass. Where’s Con? Daz’ll be here in a minute.’

  ‘Polishing his adamantium shield or something.’ There was the sound of thundering feet coming down the stairs. ‘Ah, there we go. That’s either Con or the elephant stampede from Jungle Book.’

  A second later Connor appeared in his Lycra Captain America costume, gripping a round cardboard shield painted in the colours of the rainbow flag.

  ‘How do I look then, oldies?’ he asked.

  ‘Pretty awesome actually.’ Theo turned to Lexie. ‘How come I never get to wear something like that when he takes us to these bloody cosplay things? I want to be Captain America.’

  ‘Captain America doesn’t cry while chopping onions, he’s far too old-school butch. You’re definitely more of a Thor.’ Lexie approached Connor and put her hands on his shoulders. ‘Aww. Look at you.’

  ‘What’re you looking at me like that for?’ Connor stared. ‘Lexie, are you crying?’

  She smiled and wiped away a tear. ‘I’d like to say it was the onion but that’d be a lie. I’m so proud of you, Connor Carson, do you know that?’

  ‘What for? You know I’m not really Captain America, right?’

  ‘No, but you’ll always be my little superhero.’

  ‘Wow.’ Connor shook his head. ‘You really just said that, didn’t you?’

  She laughed. ‘Not so little these days, I suppose, but I’ll still have the power to embarrass you no matter how big you get. Here, give us a hug.’

  ‘Ugh. All right.’

  He put his shield down so he could hug her.

  ‘Have fun today, sweetie,’ she whispered. ‘You look amazing. Take lots of photos of you and your friends for me.’

  ‘I will.’ He gave her a squeeze. ‘I wish you guys were coming.’

  ‘So do I, but it’ll be good for you to do this with your dad. I was pleased when he offered to drive you all. Pride’s not exactly his scene so I think that constitutes progress.’ She let him go. ‘So which Avengers are Oli and Sophie going as?’

  ‘They’ve done a gender swap thing because Soph didn’t want to wear a catsuit. She’s going as female Thor and Oli’s going as male Scarlet Witch. Like, Scarlet Warlock. He’s got this long red coat thing.’

  ‘You’ll approve of him in that costume, will you?’ Theo said, smiling.

  Connor flushed. ‘I guess. He looks great whatever he wears.’

  Outside, a car horn sounded.

  ‘There’s your dad.’ Lexie gave him a peck on the cheek. ‘Go on then, handso
me. Try not to break too many hearts.’

  ‘We’ll see you all afterwards,’ Theo said. ‘I’m sure Sophie and Oli won’t object to homemade pizza for tea.’

  When Connor had gone, Lexie pulled off a sheet of kitchen roll to dab her eyes, laughing. ‘God, I’m a soft old thing. He just looked so grown up suddenly, off to his first Pride with his boyfriend and best friend. Whatever happened to my little boy?’

  ‘Right there with you, love. I only started chopping the onion because I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold it in.’ Theo went to wash his hands so he could give her a hug. ‘Makes you proud, eh? Watching our gawky kid grow into this incredible young man; happy, confident, building a relationship with his dad, falling in love for the first time…’

  She raised an eyebrow. ‘You think?’

  ‘Yeah, I can tell it’s going that way for him and Oli. I consider myself a bit of a love expert these days, with all my vast experience of the tender passion.’ He kissed her. ‘Oh, and happy anniversary, by the way.’

  She smiled. ‘I thought you’d forgotten.’

  ‘Certainly not. A year to the day that I let my best friend get me drunk and have her wicked way with me, and still paying the price. In fact…’ He let her go. ‘I even got you a present.’

  ‘Did you?’

  ‘Yep.’ He opened the kitchen drawer and took out a little parcel in sparkly wrapping paper. ‘There you go.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Friendship bracelet. I braided it myself.’

  She blinked at it. ‘Oh.’

  ‘Well, open it.’

  Inside the wrapping was a little leather jewel box. When Lexie snapped it open, she discovered it contained a white-gold eternity ring studded with diamonds, fashioned in a twisted, braid-like style.

  ‘Theo, it’s beautiful,’ she whispered.

  Theo lifted it from the box. ‘For the only woman I ever loved, and the best friend I ever had.’ He took her left hand and slid it on. ‘I think you should wear it on this finger.’

  She stared at him. ‘You’re kidding.’

  ‘Er, insulting. No, I’m not kidding: why would I be? I can get down on one knee if that’s what it takes.’