Unspoken Fears (The Unspoken Love Series Book 4)

by H. P. Davenport

  Me: I can’t explain it.

  Christian: ? Please try. I’m a great listener.

  Christian makes me feel all of the long-since bottled-up things when I’m around him. My feelings toward him confuse me. I’ve only been around him twice, but those two times have ignited something deep inside me. Strange and disquieting thoughts race through my mind.

  Me: Why are you hell bent on having dinner with me? Look at you, you can have any woman you want. Why me?

  Christian: Don’t kid yourself. I can’t have any woman I want. The one woman I do want… she seems to keep me at arm’s length, every chance she gets.

  Me: (inserts a laugh) Really?

  Christian: I don’t want to push you. But know I will be patiently waiting for you to accept my invitation to dinner, or coffee. I am a very determined man. I don’t take NO too easily. Talk to you soon.

  Me: I want to say yes, but I can’t… Maybe one day I’ll be able to explain it to you.

  Christian: One day… preferably very soon. Have a great day, sweetheart.

  Dragging my gaze away from my phone, I think about what just happened, all the things he just said to me over text, and the only response I have is to smile.

  Chapter Five

  Rory

  Being back in Philadelphia is like a smack in the face. Memories rush back. Dread settles in the pit of my stomach as I step off the train at 30th Street Station. It’s been several months since I’ve been here. I thought leaving would make moving on easier. Boy, was I wrong. Twelve months have passed since that fateful day. Since the knock at the door changed everything. I didn’t want to come home this weekend, but I knew I had no choice. He deserved for me to be here.

  Brandon leans against the wall looking up at the screens. We arrived in Philadelphia earlier than expected. With Leah sound asleep in the carrier secured on my chest, our bags in her stroller, I start walking in his direction as he lifts his eyes to meet mine.

  I’m swept up into a set of strong arms and Brandon squeezes me, careful not to wake Leah, he places a soft kiss on her head.

  “Hello, stranger, glad to see you remember where you’re from,” Brandon whispers. “I’ve missed the two of you. This city isn’t the same without my girls.”

  “Why are you whispering? We’re in the middle of the train station and she’s knocked out. You can speak normally, I promise you won’t wake her.”

  Swatting Brandon in the chest, I mutter “We’ve missed you, too. Here.” I push the stroller in his direction. “Make yourself useful. Steer this thing, it’s heavy with our bags.”

  Brandon raises his eyebrows and laughs, “Attitude. You can move out of Philly, but you can’t take Philly out of the girl.”

  “Now, why would I go and do that?”

  “Oh, really.” He lets out a hearty laugh. “Any special requests for the weekend?”

  “Take me to get my favorite fries and wings, then tomorrow we shall eat cheesesteaks until we vomit and walk around this beautiful city to the next cheesesteak establishment and do it all over again.”

  But tomorrow I need to make a heartbreaking stop, and I’m sure Brandon will want to go along.

  “Your wish is my command.”

  Once we load everything into Brandon’s SUV, we head to South Philly, down by the sports arena to one of my favorite places to eat crispy hot wings and fries with a secret seasoning and cheesy dipping sauce. Leah sleeps through the entire meal, and once we’re finished, we go to Brandon’s house, which is by the Art Museum on a street lined with Okame cherry blossoms. The astonishing explosion of pink is breathtaking. Large clusters of fragrant pink petals take over the tree each spring, and in the fall the leaves turn yellow, orange, and then red.

  Cherry blossom trees are my favorite. I had a few in my backyard and one on the lawn at my old house. I would sit on my porch and watch the wind blow the petals around in the spring, their fragrance filling the air.

  Brandon unloads our things while I go inside and place my sleeping daughter in the pack-n-play Brandon has set up in the living room. My phone vibrates in my jacket pocket. Pulling it out, I slip my arms out of my coat and hang it in the nearby closet. I fall into the deep brown leather cushions of Brandon’s sectional and see a text from Christian. We’ve texted each other over the past few weeks. Each time he throws out his infamous questions: ‘Coffee soon? Dinner soon?’ And each time I dodge the question by telling him I have to check my schedule. We keep our conversations light, asking each other about work, things we enjoy doing in our spare time, questions one would ask when they are trying to get to know someone. Christian enjoys going on long runs with his sister. I inform him I enjoy running as well. He’s asked if he could join me on a run, but I didn’t respond. I usually bundle Leah up and put her in the jogging stroller and run at Brooklyn Bridge Park along the waterfront.

  Christian: What are you up to? Working? Dinner soon?

  I have to give Christian credit for being persistent. No matter how many times I dodge his question of meeting up, he continues to ask. He doesn’t seem to get discouraged. I think the more I decline, the more determined he is for me to give in.

  Me: I’m in Philly for the next few days.

  Christian: Oh… okay.

  I’m not sure if I’m reading too much into his text, but his response sounds as if he’s disappointed.

  Me: I had a few days off, so I wanted to visit family.

  Dots appear on the screen, letting me know he’s responding, but then they stop. A few seconds pass and no response.

  Me: I’ll text you when I get back home.

  Christian: Okay.

  It took longer than it should for him to respond a simple okay. Was he writing something else and decided against sending it?

  Me: Is everything okay?

  Christian: Sure, why wouldn’t they be? Enjoy your few days away.

  I glance at my phone, debating whether to write back. I don’t want to make a bigger deal than necessary, so I slide my phone into my sweatshirt pocket.

  “Who was that?” Brandon asks.

  “Stop being nosey,” I respond jokingly.

  “I’m not being nosey, I’m curious.”

  My eyes widen, “Same thing.”

  Brandon laughs. “I’m serious, I’d love to know. I was curious who put a smile on your face. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you like this.”

  I shift on the couch to face him. “Can I be honest with you and you won’t pass judgment on me?”

  Brandon blinks a few times, his brows knit together. He reaches out and touches my elbow lightly. “Rory, I would never judge you. I say that with all honesty.”

  My knee bounces and my eyes scan the room. I pick the skin on my thumb, trying to find the right way to tell Brandon about Christian. My stomach clenches tight and my heart races. I’m nervous, not sure how he’ll react. How do I explain that someone new came along, and they’ve awakened something inside me that has long been dormant?

  When I try to speak, my voice wavers. “I met someone. It’s nothing serious.” I glance at Brandon to witness his reaction to my revelation.

  “If it’s nothing serious, then why are you telling me?” he speaks in an odd, yet gentle, tone.

  “I need to talk to someone about it,” I mutter uneasily, picking at my thumb.

  “Rory, look at me. Stop picking your damn finger.”

  I press my lips together, raising my eyes to meet his.

  “Is he nice?” His eyes assess me.

  I nod. “Remember when I told you I was going out with a few coworkers I’ve become friends with to listen to a band? He was at the bar we went to. His friend owns the place.”

  Brandon lifts an eyebrow. “And.”

  Shrugging my shoulder. “He bought me a drink. We talked for a little bit while I waited for an Uber. Then I ran into him a second time at the same bar a few weeks later. We didn’t stay long once we saw each other, we left and went to a nearby diner.”

  He lifts his brows,
“Has he been around Leah?”

  I gape, “Good God, no. He doesn’t even know about Leah. I’m not going to introduce anyone, and I mean anyone, to Leah unless I think the relationship may go somewhere.”

  Peeking over the back of the couch, Leah continues to sleep soundly, her chunky fingers clutching her gray elephant against her face.

  “Is that who you were texting when I walked in the room?”

  “Yeah. I feel bad. He’s asked me to dinner, which I declined. He’s settled for a cup of coffee, which I’ve also declined. I dodge the question all the time because I’m not sure what to do. He texted today, and I told him I was in Philly. He didn’t say anything, but I think I may have hurt his feelings.”

  “He’s a man, he’ll get over it. Why do you keep declining his invites? You must obviously like him, or you wouldn’t have felt the need to tell me about him.”

  When I look up, Brandon lifts an eyebrow. “Um.. I… “

  “Spit it out, Rory.”

  “I like him. He’s nice, kind, and considerate. He doesn’t push me to open up when he senses something’s bothering me.”

  “He doesn’t push you, because the two of you aren’t at that place yet. He’s trying to get to know you, Rory. You better believe once you decide to take a chance on him, he will push. I know I would. I wouldn’t settle for my girl keeping things from me. You can’t expect him to.”

  “How do I know when it’s right? How do I know when enough time has passed?” I draw my lips in thoughtfully.

  Brandon smiles easily. “Sweetheart, only you will know that. Nobody, and I mean nobody, would ever pass judgment on you.”

  “If you…” Brandon lifts his fingers and makes air quotes, “‘like him’, then have a cup of coffee with him. Go to dinner with him. Whatever makes you happy. That’s all we want, for you to be happy.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Enjoy yourself. You’re too young to be alone for the rest of your life. You and Leah both deserve more.”

  Leah stirs behind me. Pushing myself up from the couch, I walk over and scoop my little princess up. “Did you have a nice little nap, baby girl?”

  Leah nuzzles her head into my neck, as I cradle her against my chest.

  “Well, hello, little girl,” Brandon says from the couch.

  Walking over, I sit on the couch next to him. “I’ve missed you,” he says to her, but she turns her head away from him.

  “Hey, you can’t come all the way here and ignore me. You better give me some loving.”

  Brandon pulls Leah out of my arms, giving her raspberries along her neck. He leans back into the cushions, placing her against his chest. Her plump little hands rub his cheeks, and then she pulls them back to look at them. Her eyes bounce from her hands to his face.

  My dad is always clean shaven, so she’s never felt this texture before. She seems amazed by it.

  “I don’t think she likes the feel of your beard.”

  “It’s not a beard, it’s only a few days’ worth of stubble. I’ve been lazy and didn’t feel like shaving.”

  Leah laughs and smacks the sides of Brandon’s face. She pulls her hands back again, examining them. Her mouth forms a little ‘O’ and she squeals. “You’re lucky Uncle Brandon loves you, little girl. No woman is allowed to beat on me.”

  “Can you keep an eye on her for a few minutes? I want to call Christian and then I need to make another call.”

  “Sure, the spare bedroom is set up for you to stay in. Go in there if you need privacy.”

  “Thanks.” I lean down, placing a kiss on Leah’s head. “I’ll get her bottle ready. Can you feed her?”

  “Sure. I’ll feed this little chunker,” he says as he lays Leah on the couch, placing more raspberries on her bare belly. Her laughter fills the room. It’s a sound I love and one I’ll never get tired of hearing.

  After making her bottle, I hand it to Brandon. “This should hold her off for a few minutes. I’ll feed her when I’m done.”

  Taking the stairs to the second floor, I head to our room for a little privacy. Shutting the door behind me, I sit on the bed. After a few rings, he picks up.

  “Hello,” his deep voice sounds on the other end.

  “Hey, you busy? Do you have a moment to talk?” I ask nervously.

  “I’m at work finishing up a couple things. I can spare a few minutes. What’s up?”

  “I wanted to explain.” I press my lips together and wait quietly. “This looks bad. I was able to get a few days off unexpectedly. Another physician asked me to swap with him. So I took the train to Philadelphia to visit family. I’ll be back on Sunday night. I have work on Monday morning.”

  The silence is deafening. “You don’t need to explain anything to me. I get it.”

  “Get what?” My heart hammers in my chest.

  “You’re busy.” He pauses. “You’re not interested. Whatever it may be, I get it.”

  “No, you don’t get it,” I say, exhaling. “There are things you don’t know and may not understand.” My voice is quiet, desperate, but firm.

  “How am I supposed to know or understand if you don’t share them with me? Look, I get it, we just met. You’re not going to give me your life history in a few hours. We talked that night briefly while you waited for your ride. We happened to bump into each other again a few weeks after that, grabbed something to eat and had, what I thought, was a nice time.” He lets out a sigh. “We text here and there, we answer each other’s questions.” He sighs heavily again. “You’re busy, I get it. I’m sure your schedule at the hospital is hectic. I’m being selfish, and I shouldn’t be. Don’t shoot a man for wanting to spend more time with a beautiful woman he wants to get to know better. I enjoy your company.”

  Neither one of us speaks. My mind races, taking in everything he said.

  Christian clears his throat. “I only know what you tell me, Rory. It’s not fair to say there are things I don’t know and may not understand. I can only understand you better if you allow me to.” His tone is patient.

  He’s right, how can he understand when he knows nothing about me. He knows a few songs I like, knows I don’t sing in public, I’m a doctor, and I was born and raised in Philadelphia. He only knows the few things I told him. The handful of things I allowed myself to give him.

  Christian is patient with me. He’s attentive with his text messages and calls. It’s me who isn’t being fair. With work and Leah, I have limited time. How can Christian understand that when he hasn’t even scratched the surface of who I am?

  Confused, I wander restlessly around the room. I hesitate, blinking with bafflement, that this man wants to know me. Do I need this in my life at this moment? I’m a single mother, who is a physician, no less. My life is beyond crazy as I juggle my career and being a mom to a six-month-old. Not to mention, if I’m even emotionally ready to entertain the idea of going on a date. Wait…did I say date? Is this a date? Do I want this to be a date? Christian’s made no mention of this being a date. He merely asked me to have dinner with him. I hesitate, torn by conflicting emotions. Taking the bull by the horn, I spit it out.

  “Are you free on Monday morning? I’d love to meet to have that cup of coffee I promised you.”

  “I don’t know. I’m really busy lately. I’ll have to check my schedule and get back to you,” he replies in a mocking tone.

  “Check your schedule, really?” I say sarcastically. “Are you throwing my words back at me to be an ass, or do you really have to check to see if you have an appointment.”

  “A little of both,” he laughs.

  “I’m not one to put myself out there, Christian. I’m sorry I didn’t let you know I was off this weekend, that was never my intent. Having dinner with you is something I would enjoy…I’m just scared.”

  “Dinner, huh? A second ago, I finally got you to commit to the coffee you owed me a month ago. Now, I’ve wrangled you into committing to dinner. Give me five more minutes on the phone and I wonder what else I can get
you to commit to.” He laughs, then his tone turns serious. “I don’t know what you are afraid of. I won’t push you to tell me. You can tell me when you feel comfortable. Just know, I won’t do anything to hurt you.”

  “I know you won’t. It’s me, not you. Which I know is totally cliché. But it’s the truth.” I sigh. “Check your schedule and let me know.”

  “I would love to have dinner with you and…” He emphasizes the word and. “Coffee on Monday morning before your shift, sounds perfect. Text me the time and place, and I’ll be there.”

  “You roped me into two meetups, not one.”

  “Do I look like a dumb man, Rory? I want to take advantage of every opportunity I have with you. So, coffee it is on Monday. That leaves me another night to take you out to dinner.”

  “Have I told you I think you’re crazy, Christian?”

  “What can I say, it’s a smart move on my part. Have fun in Philly, don’t get into too much trouble,” Christian replies.

  “I’ll try my best. I’ll talk to you soon,” I say and disconnect.

  After I hang up with Christian, I call John and Kathy, Leah’s grandparents to see if we can come by to visit. Kathy was over the moon excited to see us and told us to stop by any time.

  Brandon has Leah secured in his arms when we arrive at Kathy and John’s house. I lift my hand to knock, but the door flies open unexpectedly.

  “Oh my goodness, give me a hug, sweetheart.” Kathy throws her arms around me, pulling me close to her body. “I’ve missed you so much,” she whispers in my ear. She pulls back and wipes the tears that fall down her cheeks. “I may not like the fact that you had to move, but I understand, honey.”

  Swallowing hard, I bite back my tears.