Christian takes a step toward me, reaching out, taking my hand in his.
“Let me in.” he pleads with raw hurt in his dark eyes.
“I fucking let you in,” I scream, pulling my hand free.
“You did?”
“And you fucking destroyed me,” I scream, my eyes fill with tears. “I have a child, in case you haven’t noticed, and apparently you don’t want kids. Newsflash, Christian, I already have a daughter.”
“I know you have a daughter and I love her as if she is my own. Yeah, I said I never pictured myself having a family, being married. But that all changed the moment I met you. Give me the benefit of the doubt, listen to me. I want you. I want Leah.” Christian points between our bodies. “I want us, damn it. Don’t you get it!?” he yells, in a harsh, raw voice.
“You should go,” I whisper, my hand covering my mouth.
Slamming his hand on the counter in front of him. “Did you ever stop and think for one moment ‘let me talk to Christian. Let me ask Christian what his thoughts are on having a family.’ Did you ever stop and think of me or did you only think about yourself?”
I shake my head in dismay. Why does loving someone hurt so much? If only he was honest with me from the beginning. Does he want children? Does he simply love Leah because he pities my situation?
“Choose me, Rory. Choose me or lose me for good. I can’t do this.”
Hot tears roll down my face. “You should go.” My voice breaks. I try to hide my emotions, but I know he sees them. My expressive eyes reveal everything, they always have.
“I’m not a backup plan. I won’t be your second choice in life. Keith isn’t here.”
I turn away, my hands clenched stiffly at my sides. How dare he say that to me.
A massive, strong hand spins me around. Pulling my arm free, glare at him. “Please go. Now. You’ve said enough.”
Christian moves toward me, his body close, he looks down at me intensely. He caresses my cheek with the knuckle of his forefinger. “Yeah, I think I should. When you figure out what you want, you know where to find me. Just don’t take too long to figure it out.”
With that, Christian turns and walks out of my condo, slamming the door behind him.
A week has passed without Christian and me having any communication whatsoever. When my cousin told me Christian didn’t want children, my heart broke. I was sad, then that sadness quickly turned to fury. I saw red. Raw rage flowed through my body. I was literally shaking when I left Camryn and Jamie’s house.
I replay the conversation I had with my mother yesterday.
“Honey, I’m not going to tell you what to do, but have you given it any thought as to what he said?”
“Do you think you were looking for a reason to push him away?
“Have you stopped and asked yourself, why would Lindsey tell you that?”
“Was there ever something there between your cousin and Christian?
“Christian loved spending time with Leah, if he didn’t enjoy it, why would he encourage a relationship between the two of you?”
Every question my mom raised, I knew the answer to except for two of them: why would Lindsey tell me Christian didn’t want to get married, or want to have a family? What did she have to gain? Was there something between Christian and Lindsey neither of them wanted me to know about?
Chapter Thirty
Christian
“You okay?” Lincoln asks.
I need time to think straight. I need a moment in my own space. Lifting my drink to my lips, “Do I look okay?”
I wish someone would have told me if I wanted love, I’d have to go through pain. I wish someone would have told me if I wanted love, I’d have to be vulnerable. This is exactly why I didn’t want to fall in love. Why I never wanted more from a woman than their body.
I didn’t want the pain. I didn’t want to change my thinking. All falling in love with Rory did was destroy me.
I refuse to call her, rather I suffer in silence, surrendering to the pain. She did this to us. I kill the pain by knocking back a few drinks, trying to find a way to live again.
“Don’t look now, but you’ve got company, my friend,” Lincoln says in a hushed voice.
“What can I get the pretty lady tonight?” he asks.
With my back toward her, before a word leaves her lips, I know who it is. I know her scent.
Lifting my glass to my lips, I wince when the whiskey burns my throat. I press my palm to my eye. I need to get the hell out of here.
It’s been over a week since I’ve seen her. Since I kissed her. Since I held her in my arms. Since I made love to her.
“Did you sleep with Lindsey?”
I choke on the mouthful of my drink, causing me to cough. “Excuse me?” I turn to her, scowling.
She takes a deep breath. “Did you sleep with my cousin?” she glares at me.
Stroking my chin, I regard her carefully. “You’re kidding me, right?” I am in an episode of the Twilight Zone. Is this what my life has become? She thinks I slept with Lindsey.
“Answer the question, Christian. It’s a simple yes or no.”
“I don’t shit where I eat, so the answer to your question is a firm no,” I sneer at her.
“You don’t shit where you eat.” Her eyes are stony with anger.
“No, Rory. I never fucked any of my sister’s friends. It complicates things. I’ve never fucked your cousin.”
She flinches at my response. “I’ve flirted with her before. But it stopped with words. I never made a move on her, never kissed her, and I sure as hell never slept with her.”
Rory tilts her head. “She has feelings for you. She may have never told you, but I think that’s the reason behind her telling me you didn’t see yourself with a family, that you never wanted to get married.”
Lifting the tumbler to my lips, I take a sip. I allow the cool amber liquid to burn my throat, hoping the contents douse the inferno brewing inside me.
This is about Lindsey, are you fucking kidding me? I’m not having this conversation at Aces. To be honest, I’m not having this conversation at all. Rory should have addressed her concerns to me like a mature adult. She looked for any excuse to destroy what we had.
Pushing back from the bar, my stool scrapes against the floor. “Are you done? You’ve got your answers.”
She reaches out, grasping my arm in her firm grip, her nails digging into my forearm.
“Yo,” Lincoln hollers. He tosses me a set of keys. “Take this shit in the back. You’re gaining an audience.”
Rory turns on her heel, leading the way to the hallway. When I have the key in the door, she pushes me out of the way, turns the key, unlocks the office door and walks in. I follow her, slamming the door behind me.
I drop my arms to my side, giving her a look of disbelief. “You’re giving me whiplash with your multiple personalities,” anger evident in my tone.
“What the hell does that mean?” she snaps, shoving against my chest.
I walk toward her, she takes a step back, placing her hands on her hips.
“Damn it, what are you afraid of?” I growl. I can hear my voice climbing with each word I say.
She doesn’t speak, instead she stands there staring at me, as if she doesn’t hear the words I’m yelling at her.
Taking a deep breath, I glare at her. “What the fuck is wrong with you? One minute we’re fine, the next you’re running for the hills.”
Finally, she breaks her silence, walking over to stand at full height, glaring at me. “Fuck you,” she screams. “Sorry for the whiplash I’m causing you.” She crosses her arms over her chest.
“Why now?”
I look at her intently, then take a step forward, forcing her to take one back. I walk toward her until her back is flush against the wall. “Tell me, is it guilt? Do you think you don’t have the right to move on? Keith died, I get that it was a tragic period in your life. I can’t fathom what you went through. I wouldn’t wish that u
pon anyone. But, you choose to navigate your life always being afraid, terrified of what life has to offer. Do you even realize that I’m right in front of you, offering to love you, to love your daughter, and yet you are too blind to see it?”
Tears fill Rory’s eyes. Those jade eyes are more shadowed than normal. My words are breaking her armor, hurting her.
Shaking my head, I turn and pace the floor, running my hands through my hair. Before turning back to her, I take a deep breath. “Do you think you’re the only one who’s ever lost someone? Experienced something tragic in their life? We lose people we love in life, Rory. I don’t know what it is like to lose a spouse, and I pray to God I never do.”
I step closer and Rory scowls at me. Her body goes rigid as I glare back at her. She shoves my chest, making me take a step back. “I lost a spouse. I lost the man I married, the father of my child. I know exactly what that horror feels like. I’ve lived it,” she screams.
Without realizing I was doing it, I walk toward her, caging her against the wall again with my arms on both sides of her. She pokes me in the chest. “You didn’t.” Tears blind her eyes and choke her voice.
My hand wraps around her wrist, pulling her against my chest. I do my best to compose my voice, to hold back the anger I’m feeling at this very moment. “I know I didn’t. Keith isn’t here, despite you wanting him to be. I’m here for you. I’m here standing before you, choosing to love you.”
Taking a step back from her, “I get it, you have fears. But I have them, too.” Reaching out, I cup her cheeks in my hands. “I fear you will never love me. Not the way you loved Keith. I’ll always be competing with a ghost.”
Rory stands there, her eyes swollen from crying, her cheeks stained with tears. She’s still beautiful, even when she looks completely broken. Knowing I play a part in this feels like a kick to my stomach. But Rory needs to make a decision. Does she want to continue fighting the demons of her past, or is she ready to move on to the better days of tomorrow?
Tears cascade down Rory’s face.
“Is this how things will be? You stand there saying nothing?” my voice rises. “You talk about all these fears you have. I fear that I’ll never live up to him!” I growl.
The foot of distance separating us may as well been an ocean. Rory hurt me like no other woman ever has. I opened my heart to her. I gave her my heart and she managed to break it by doubting my love for her. Doubting my commitment to her and Leah.
If my love wasn’t enough, what more can I offer?
They say love hurts and I totally agree.
Love sucks.
I played with fire, and I got burned.
I close my eyes to keep the emotion from spilling out. “What if I ask you to give me everything, Rory? What if I want it all? Could you do that?”
When she doesn’t respond I turn, gripping the door handle. Before I leave, I turn back and the pain I see in Rory’s eyes is enough to bring me to my knees. “Wanna know what the problem is? I think I wanted it too much and you didn’t want it enough, or maybe you didn’t want it at all. The ball’s in your court,” I say, yanking the door ajar, then slamming it behind me.
I toss twenty dollars on the bar, Lincoln stands there, his expression serious. Shaking my head, his mouth dips into a deeper frown. Turning, I force myself to leave. I can’t be here with Rory. I need to get the hell out of here. I can only pray she figures it out on her own. ’Cause I know for sure, I want Rory and Leah in my life.
“Give him time. He’s hurting,” I hear Lincoln say to Rory as I push through the door.
Once I’m gone, I force myself to walk down the street. I want to run to her, pull her in my arms, kiss her, but I know I can’t. I once told her no matter how fast she’d run, I’d always catch her. I said it jokingly while running in the park, but things have changed. I can’t chase her anymore. If she loves me, she’ll run to me. I just hope I’m here to catch her.
Somehow, I end up in front of my parents’ house, knocking before I walk in. My parents are sitting in the living room watching television.
“Hey, what brings you here?” my mom asks, standing from the couch to hug me.
My father looks at me, truly looks at me, then shakes his head.
“Can we talk,” I ask.
My mom sits, patting the arm of the love seat for me join them, “Sure, sweetheart. Is everything okay?”
“How did you know Mom was the right one?” I ask my dad.
“I just knew. She made me want to be a better person. She pushed me to thrive in life, in college, through law school. Your mother has always been my biggest supporter.”
I lean forward, placing my elbows on my knees and rubbing my hands over my face. “Things with Rory are a mess.”
“Oh, honey,” my mom says, placing her hand on my knee. “It will all work out, I’m sure it will.”
Shaking my head, “I don’t see how.”
“Do you love her?” my father asks.
“Wholeheartedly.”
“Do you love that little girl of hers?”
“With all my heart, as if she was my own.”
My father leans against the back of the couch, placing his arm around my mother’s shoulder. “Relationships are difficult. Every day you have to work on them. Every day you have to overcome obstacles that may stand in your way. But if you love someone, then you fight for it. You fight for your family. The family you want to be your own.”
Restlessly, my mom’s hand strokes the arm of the chair. “Christian, from what you’ve told us about Rory’s past, she’s had a rough journey this past year or so. Sometimes we push those we love away. Look at what your sister did when the unthinkable occurred. Camryn pushed all of us who loved her away. She only let you see her at her darkest, not even Jamie. But he fought for her. He pushed through her fears, and she finally let him in.”
She places her hand on my forearm. “You do the same for Rory. You fight for her when she isn’t strong enough to fight for herself. You prove to her that you love her. Let her come around at her own pace. It’s up to you if you’ll be there waiting for her.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Rory
I was getting used to the absent feeling in my chest I was carrying around. It was a familiar feeling, one I felt for months before Christian came into my life. I miss him.
My eyes meet Camryn’s when I walk into Java House by the hospital. I reached out to Camryn, asking her to meet me for coffee. She willingly agreed. I’m not sure what I expected, but she wasn’t hostile when I called, rather, she sounded despondent.
Camryn sits by the window, sipping on her steaming mug of caffeine. Once my caramel macchiato is ordered, my foot taps on the white-tiled floor, nervously. My name is called, and I grab my order, heading over to where Camryn sits.
Pulling the chair out, I take the seat across from her and relax against the back of my chair, as she eyes me curiously.
“What are you drinking?” I ask nervously.
She lifts her mug to her lips, taking a sip of the steaming caffeinated drink. Her eyes narrow. “A latte, extra shot of espresso with almond milk and a pump of caramel.” She sets her drink down. “You didn’t invite me here today to inquire about what I prefer to drink in the morning.”
Fidgeting in my seat, I’m not quite sure how to go about this with his sister. When I reached out to her for coffee, I was hoping she’d be able to offer advice on how I could fix this with her brother. I overreacted. I was wrong, and I am willing to admit I was wrong. I decide to just rip the Band-Aid off.
“I screwed up with your brother.”
She scoffs at my statement. “I’d say.” She averts my gaze, picks up her latte, taking a long sip, then places her cup back on the table. She raises her eyes to find me watching her.
Raising my brows at her, “I need your help.”
Her hands are on the table. She avoids looking at me as she picks at a loose piece of skin on her thumb. “Rory, do you know you’re the first woman
Christian has ever introduced to me? He’s my twin. Do you understand the importance in that?”
When she looks up at me, there are tears in her eyes. I immediately grab for her hands, clasping them with mine. “I know I hurt him. I messed things up and need to figure out a way to fix it. I’m in love with him,” my voice breaks.
Camryn stares at me then takes my hand in hers. “Every mistake deserves forgiveness.” She squeezes my hand. “Talk to him. Truly talk to him.”
Tears stream down my face, like a dam has broken. I pull my hands away from hers to quickly wipe them away.
She leans back in her chair. “I’m going to tell you something that most people don’t know. I was sexually assaulted at Redemption during a masquerade they were having for Halloween.”
I gasp, and my eyes widen. Her words repeat silently in my head. She was raped. A sharp jagged pain erupts in my chest. Seeing Camryn’s tear-filled eyes, my heart breaks for her.
“I was stripped of everything that night. I prayed during the attack he would kill me. I didn’t want to live through it or live with the repercussions of it afterward.” Camryn grabs the napkin in her hand, twisting the corner of it. “I pushed those I loved the most away. Christian was the only one I let in. I pushed Jamie away, the man who loved me more than life itself. He camped outside my bedroom door every night, never leaving me. Always letting me know he was there for me.”
She reaches across the table, taking my hand in hers. “We all have a past, Rory, but we can’t let it dictate our future.”
Fighting the burning sensation in my eyes, I bite my lip. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry you went through that.”
“Only my closest friends and family know.”
“Christian never told me,” my voice is shakier than I would have liked.
“He wouldn’t.”
Camryn leans in and bites her lip. “Do you love my brother? Truly love him?” she asks her voice breaking.
Unspoken Fears (The Unspoken Love Series Book 4) Page 24