“Yes,” I whisper.
She sits back in her chair and lifts a dark eyebrow. “Have you told him?”
A knot forms in my throat making speaking impossible. I shake my head.
“I’m going to be honest with you. It may come off harsh, but I need to say it. From where I’m sitting, your main concern is about you not getting hurt. But what about Christian? I get why you didn’t come out of the gate telling my brother about your past, how you were married before, about your daughter, how your husband was killed. I totally get it. I absolutely do.” Camryn looks out the window, then turns to face me again.
“But I need to know. Why did you push him away?” she asks, her voice filled with concern.
“Because I’ve lost so much. I’m not sure I’d survive losing someone else.”
“Why do you think you’ll lose him?”
“Everyone I love, I lose. My grandfather passed two years ago from a stroke. Keith was killed.”
Camryn gets up from her seat across to sit in the chair next to me. She pulls me into her arms. “Oh, honey. Christian isn’t going anywhere. All you have to do is ask him to stay.”
She pulls back meeting my eyes. “You will always love Keith. Hold him in your memory. You can always find him in your dreams. I just hope there’s room in your dreams for my brother.” Her eyes cling to mine, analyzing my reaction, then she stands, smiling with satisfaction.
Camryn places her hand on my shoulder. “I hope you find what you want. My brother is an amazing man. I love him, and I don’t want to see him hurt. He deserves to be loved, if not by you, then by someone else.”
She squeezes my shoulder and continues, “Don’t let your fears stop you from opening your heart to someone.”
With that, Camryn turns and walks out of the coffee shop, leaving me sitting here alone.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Christian
I push off the bar and holler to Jamie, “What time you go on?”
He lifts his hand, holding up his pointer and middle finger, signaling eleven. Jason, the bouncer’s laugh catches my attention. Morgan and Camryn stand with him, while he leans down close to Karsen’s ear. If I was a betting man, he was once again trying to get her number. If anything, the man is persistent. She smiles at him, then turns and walks away. Morgan and Camryn follow her lead with Morgan hollering over her shoulder. “Don’t give up. You never know, she may say yes tomorrow.”
“Yeah, yeah, you’ve been saying that shit for months,” Jason yells back.
The girls pull the stools out surrounding the table by the stage. “What are you ladies drinking tonight?” I ask.
“They’ve decided to start with a pitcher of margaritas, then see how the rest of the night unfolds. I’ll take a glass of water with a wedge of lemon, please,” my sister replies.
“Have you heard from Rory?” Karsen asks.
A week has passed since Rory confronted me at Aces. She’s sent me a few text messages, and I’ve responded. Neither of us have made an attempt to see each other, though.
Lifting my bottle to my lips, I take a pull of my beer. “Through text.”
A look passes between the girls. One I notice.
Jamie walks up to the stand, lifting the microphone off.
“Can you hear me?” his deep voice echoes through the bar.
“Thanks for coming out tonight. Are you ready to have a great time?”
A group of ladies who took up residency by the stage lift their hands in the air and cheer.
Jamie laughs and turns his attention toward Camryn and winks at her.
One of the security guards holds his arms out in an attempt to keep the crowd from getting too close. The girls in the front crowd the stage, trying to get closer, reaching their hands up to try to touch Jamie.
The way girls react to Jamie constantly surprises me. Even with him being married, which clearly the ring on his left finger shows, the women hoot and holler as if he planned on stripping up there on stage.
My sister finds it amusing, teasing him relentlessly about it. The trust they have for each other is one of the foundations to their relationship.
Seeing how happy my sister and my best friend are makes me miss Rory. We could have had that. Could being the key word. All she had to do was trust me.
Side Effects opens the night with a few fan favorites of their original material. Many patrons sing along with the lyrics.
The guys sound amazing tonight. The crowd is going crazy when the first few beats of another song taps out from the drums. Jamie is bouncing up and down on his feet with his hands in the air. When Jamie starts with the lyrics, the crowd erupts. The noise is deafening.
Two Princes by Spin Doctors has been one of Jamie’s favorites to play since he was a teenager. I stand with my back against the bar, taking in the crowd and spot Morgan across the room. She pulls Camryn to her feet, walking her to the dance floor. Camryn dances with her hands above her head. Her hips sway back and forth with the beat as she sings the words to the song along with Jamie.
Toward the end of the song the tempo changes, and Isaac bangs on his drums and the entire bar erupts with the words singing the lyrics. Morgan joins Camryn with her arms in the air, along with almost every person on the dance floor. Morgan and Camryn perform their usual act, where Morgan eggs my sister on, acting like she has a microphone and holds her fist in front of Camryn’s mouth as she sings her heart out. Watching them perform never gets old.
If only Rory was here, she could be out there having a good time with my sister and friends.
The song ends, and the lights dim, leaving the bar dark. The only lights are the ones running along the back wall behind the bar and along the ceiling.
A spotlight illuminates Jamie. He lifts a towel to his face, wiping the sweat beading on his forehead. “Tonight we’re doing things a little different. Sometimes a person needs to fall in order for the person they love to catch them. When I see people hurting, I want to help. So I offered a friend a little helping hand.” Jamie’s eyes meet mine. “Please put your hands together for Rory Gormley.”
People clap and cheer for her. Parker extends his hand to Rory, helping her on the stage. The lights above the stage illuminate her like the angel she is. Jamie nods his head to me, lifting an eyebrow.
Rory walks over to the microphone, lifting it out of the stand. The color drains from her face when silence overtakes the bar.
“Someone once told me that no matter how fast I ran, he’d always run faster, he’d always catch me. But I messed things up and now I’m here hoping to fix things,” her voice dies away.
Camryn walks over to stand by my side and lays her head against my shoulder.
Jamie sits on a stool with his guitar on his knee. He strums the opening chords of the song Never Be the Same by Red, then Rory’s angelic voice fills the room. Isaac begins on the drums, then Parker and Alex begin to play when the tempo picks up. She sings of being caught inside the memories, the promises that are yesterdays and how she belongs to me.
As the song ends, her voice lowers as she sings the last line of the song. Jamie stands, turning to exit the stage with his guitar slung over his shoulder.
Camryn walks over to join Jamie at the table near the stage. Looking intently at the woman I love, I close the distance between us.
Rory clears her voice. “The harder I tried to ignore the truth, the more it persisted. I love you, Christian. I’m willing to fight for you.”
Lifting her down from the stage, I move my mouth over hers, devouring its softness. Raising her mouth to mine, she gazed into my eyes. “I love you, Christian. If you still want me, I’m yours. Forever. You have my whole heart.”
My lips recapture hers, more demanding this time. My tongue explores her mouth. Rory returns the kiss with reckless abandon.
I take a deep breath and hold her gaze when I speak. “I’m not asking for your whole heart. I’m only asking for a piece of it.”
“My heart chooses you,” she
whispers against my lips.
“Say it again,” I murmur, stealing a kiss. “I’ve been waiting desperately to hear you say that.” I groan when my lips move to her neck and slide down it, leaving scattered kisses.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
She places her hand over my heart. “You came into my life when I least expected it. I was afraid to see where this could go. I feared loving you, and then I feared losing you,” she whispers.
“You won’t lose me,” I murmur against her lips.
“Promise me,” she whispers.
“You have nothing to fear, sweetheart.” My vow is sealed with a kiss. “Sometimes memories are all we have. I don’t want to replace those. I want to be a part of them. I want to make our own.”
Rory’s eyes fill with unshed tears. Leaning down claiming her lips, I whisper against them. “Let me love you forever.”
Tracing her tongue against my lips, she sucks my bottom lip between her teeth. “That I can do.”
“I’ve missed you. Leah missed you.”
I lean in and place a gently kiss on her lips. Rory closes her eyes, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. When she opens her eyes, unshed tears glaze her emerald eyes.
“I’ve made mistakes and running from you was the biggest. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be numb inside. You made me feel. You put the broken pieces of my heart back together. You made me want to love again. I…” she looks down, then back up. “I feared loving again.”
Jamie begins to sing, Not Alone by Red, which couldn’t be more perfect in this moment. I gather Rory tightly in my arms, rocking her while I sing the lyrics softly in her ear. The lyrics hit me hard, as they outline how I feel for Rory.
“If you ever let go, I will always catch you, Rory,” I whisper. “I’m here. You are not alone. Not anymore, sweetheart.”
In this moment, I truly hope Rory knows she will never be alone again. I will always be with her. I will carry her through it all, hand in hand, we will conquer everything together. I will always catch her, no matter how steep the fall because she will never be alone. Not if I can help it.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Rory
It’s the end of October, a crisp chill is present in the air. The day is sunny, perfect for a fall afternoon in Philadelphia. A thick carpet of rich orange, red, and brown leaves blanket the ground before me. A gust of wind blows and the vibrant-colored leaves dance across the open space. I didn’t want to come here today, especially knowing what I need to say. I didn’t want to be here, and yet here I stand…alone surrounded by silence, trees and headstones.
I stare down at the bouquet of flowers in my hand before slowly bending at the knees and resting them below the inscription, ‘Beloved Son, Husband, and Father. Till we meet again, my love. Keith Gormley’ engraved into the granite headstone.
An arrangement of flowers which look fairly fresh lay on the ground where I stand. “I see you’ve had company,” my voice shakes as a lone tear rolls down my cheek.
Keith would have celebrated his birthday on Tuesday, if he was here with us. Bowing my head down, I stare at my intertwined fingers. After a few quiet moments, I bend down and sit in front of my best friend, my daughter’s father, my dead husband’s resting place.
“Your mom tells me she comes once a month to check on you. We talk every week, sometimes more.”
My shaky hand wipes the tears falling down my face.
“I try to visit with your parents as much as I can with my work schedule. I want Leah to know her grandparents. They love telling her stories about you. She doesn’t understand, but I love hearing them talk about you, too.”
A part of me enjoys coming here… it’s a place where I can talk to Keith. A place where I know it’s just the two of us. I can have a heart-to-heart and know no one is judging me for how I feel.
Some visits, I sit for hours telling him about our daughter, filling him in on all the things she is learning to do. I write down the dates she does them, so he can experience them with us. When Leah first learned to roll over, hold her bottle on her own, got her first tooth, I made sure to share these moments. These are the things I come to share with her father.
“I bring Leah here to see you. She’s too young to understand, but I bring her with me sometimes. She leaves flowers on your grave.”
I sit silently for several moments. Tears fall freely down my cheeks. “I tell her how brave you were. How much you loved her. How excited you were when you found out you were going to be a father.”
A smile forms when I think about the day I took the pregnancy test. How scared I was, and how excited Keith was when he learned he was going to be a father.
“In her nursery on her dresser, there’s a framed ultrasound picture and our pregnancy announcement with your hands on my belly, which at the time wasn’t much.”
Taking a deep breath, I say. “Memories of our past are very important, but I can’t use them as a shield against the present. At some point in my grieving process, I need to be able to say goodbye. At your funeral, I promised I would never say goodbye.”
For a few minutes I just sit and think about all the amazing times we had together. The only sound surrounding me is the wind whispering against the branches.
I pick one of the flowers out of the bouquet and twirl the stem between my fingertips.
Today I didn’t come here to share a joyful moment surrounding our daughter.
Today is different.
Today my heart hurts more than usual.
Today, I need to talk to Keith about me. I need his permission. Only he can give me it.
“You may think I’m crazy, but after you died, I could still hear you. We would have conversations. But things have changed. I don’t hear you anymore. What happened?” I say to his headstone.
Silence greets me. I continue twirling the flower between my fingers and squeeze my eyes shut.
“I wonder if you watch over me? If you see what I’m going through?” I ask.
“I need to ask you something.” I wipe the tears away that continue to fall. “Is it okay to love again?”
If it had been me to die that day, I know I would’ve wanted Keith to move on and love again. He always wanted a family, I would’ve wanted him to have that.
Shaking my head, a sob escapes my lips. “I’ve fallen in love, Keith. I’ve fallen in love with another man,” I whisper as my heart races in my chest.
Pulling my knees against my chest, I wrap my arms around them tightly. Tears blur my vision, I can no longer read the inscription on the stone. My heart sinks knowing I just told my husband that I’m in love with another man.
Memories of our relationship flash before my eyes. Our prom, the night he proposed, our wedding, our honeymoon in Italy. My sobs finally come under control, as my heart rate slows down.
“I want to tell you about him. This may be a little weird, but you’d like him.” I laugh to myself. “He’s someone you would be friends with. This amazing man loves our daughter. He cherishes her. Loves her as if she was his own,” I say as I wipe the tears from my face.
“Your daughter loves him, too. Her face beams with a smile when he walks in the room. I don’t want you to hate me, to think I don’t love you anymore.”
I bite my lower lip between my teeth. “I need you to tell me it’s okay to move on. That it’s okay to love again. I need you to tell me. I need you to tell me I’m doing nothing wrong.”
I reach out and run my fingers along the scripted engraving ‘husband’.
“As much as I try to tell myself I can’t possibly love Christian, I can’t do that. He’s taught me love again. Not to fear it, rather to embrace it.”
My fingers trace the scripted lettering, ‘father’.
“I don’t want to be alone anymore. It hurts too bad.”
It’s taken me a while to realize I can move on. I should move on. Moving on doesn’t mean I love Keith any less, or I love Christian more. T
oday represents me living again. I can love someone unconditionally and it’s okay.
“Give me a sign that you’re okay if I move on.”
A swoosh of leaves sounds behind me, and I spin quickly. I could have sworn I heard Keith’s voice. But no one is there. I turn back to face his grave, and a beautiful blue butterfly lands on top of Keith’s headstone.
My hand covers my mouth. My heart beats rapidly. Keith’s voice came from within me.
“Thank you,” I whisper, lifting my hand to my heart. I will always remember Keith, he’s a part of me. He’s the other half of our daughter. I take comfort in knowing the memories of him will always be in my mind to recall whenever I want to.
I stand and push my hands deep into my pockets of my jacket. I inhale a deep breath and look out across the row of headstones. Moving on with my life doesn’t mean I will forget Keith, or I’m dismissing him from my life. People would tell me that life went on after Keith’s death, but I didn’t want it to.
I can’t let fear hold me back from loving again. Sometimes people choose to hold back and watch love walk away, not because they don’t love the person, but because they fear loving and losing again. I experienced loss and I’ve been blessed to experience love, not only once, but twice. With Christian in my life, I realize life is too short not to love again.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Christian
To think, just over a year ago in February my life changed for the better. Rory recently finished her fellowship at the hospital and was offered a position as a pediatric emergency doctor. The past year has gone by in a blur. Today we arrived in Cabo San Lucas to celebrate Lincoln and Morgan’s wedding.
I have a surprise planned for Rory while we are away. Fingers crossed it goes as planned. I can’t wait to promise Rory forever and to love her harder with each day that passes.
The glowing sun illuminates a path across the aqua blue water. It bathes the ocean's mild waves and the delicate clouds in a burning collection of red and orange.
Unspoken Fears (The Unspoken Love Series Book 4) Page 25