by Pua Ramona
Contents
Trigger warning
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Chapter 60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63
Chapter 64
Chapter 65
Chapter 66
Chapter 67
Chapter 68
Chapter 69
Chapter 70
Chapter 71
Chapter 72
Chapter 73
Chapter 74
Chapter 75
Chapter 76
Chapter 77
Chapter 78
Epilogue
Alofa Atu
Fa’afetai (Thank you!)
About the Author
Trigger warning
This book contains scenes of a sexual nature, sexual abuse, self-harm and child-loss.
This story is dedicated to THE ONES who are struggling and feel alone in this world: YOU are a fighter. YOU are the light. YOU are LOVED.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Copyright © 2020 by Pua Ramona. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce, distribute, or transmit in any form or by any means. For information regarding subsidiary rights, please contact Pua Ramona.
Manufactured in the United States of America
First Edition December 2020
Edited By: Shona Chalmers
Formatted By: Purrfectly Haunting Formatting
Blurb
Falling in love is never easy. Being in love is even harder.
It's devastating, heartbreaking, earth shattering and life changing.
You give each other your heart, soul, love, life...Everything. You believe it will never end.
Until one day it does, and it's gone.
But I got her. My gift. My daughter. My ultimate love. I was content, happy even.
Until one family reunion - it changes everything.
Will I survive another heartbreak or lose the rest of what’s left of my heart?
Chapter One
Sina
He was my first love, my first everything. I believed him with everything that I was when he told me that I was his only love. I believed him when he gave me his heart, I trusted him when I gave him my all. I gave him my heart to keep, but he broke me the day I found out that he was in love with someone else who wasn’t me. What he didn’t know was that day was the very same day I found out that I was carrying his child. I packed the little things that were mine, and I left the only place I called home without confronting him and I never looked back. That was eight years ago, today I’m getting ready to head back home for our family reunion. I would be lying if I said I didn’t try to talk myself out of going, but I knew that it was time for my little girl to meet the rest of her family, and it was time for me to let go of my past. Have you ever had that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that just didn’t sit right? Well, I’m feeling that right now, and the closer we get to our destination, the heavier my heart is getting. I just hope that this trip won’t break the last piece of me that I have left.
It’s been an hour since our plane landed at the Sea-Tac airport and we are still waiting in line to pick up our rental. Why did I choose to fly late? I mean shit, how was I supposed to know that people actually chose to fly evenings, and not mornings? I grab my phone to check for the time, sighing because it’s now midnight and my baby girl has been up all day. I look down and ask her, “Baby, are you hungry?”
She looks up and says, “No Mama, I just want to get out of this crowded airport please.”
I hug her closer to me and say, “As soon as we get the keys we’ll be on our way to grandma’s.” It’s taken us almost two hours to get the keys, plus loading our suitcases in the damn car but we are finally on our way to my mother’s place, where I am pretty sure everyone’s waiting up for us. Who would have thought how much a person can feel after being gone for so long? I’m overwhelmed with anxiety. Being back on old grounds has done nothing but stir up all the sadness and heartache that I’ve kept locked away. I feel my phone buzzing, not bothering checking it because I know it’s either Mama or Luka calling to make sure that we are okay and safely on our way. Emma hasn’t met the majority of the family yet, but she has spoken to them over the phone. Sometimes she video chats with Luka.
“Mama, do you want me to answer it? It’s Uncle Luka calling again,” Emma says.
I take a deep breath and say, “No, just let it go to voicemail. We'll see them in a few. Thank you, baby.”
Emma looks at me and says, “Mama, are you okay?”
“Yes Baby, Mama’s fine I promise,” I answer with a strained smile.
She gives me her killer smile and says, “Mama, I will love you for always.” I do my best to not lose my shit. It has been just us for the past eight years. I never dated after I left Emma’s dad. I kept myself busy with work and made sure that Emma was well taken care of. Her father hasn’t been a part of her life because I selfishly haven’t told him about her. I do speak to her about him though and answer any questions she has about him, always being sure not to answer in a negative way.
Emma was four when she first asked me about her dad. She would see her friends with their mommies and daddies, so she got curious, I guess. I would tell her that she had his eyes, his smile and that was enough for her. If I had any regrets, it would be Emma not knowing her dad, but I was young with a broken heart. At the time it felt like the right thing to do.
I’m so deep in my thoughts and almost don’t hear Emma ask, “Mama, what is that beeping sound?”
I’m not sure what she’s talking about, “What beeping sound?” I say with a frown. Then I hear it and realize we’re almost out of fuel. “What the hell? Did they forget to fill the gas tank up?” I shake my head. Assholes. “Emma, we have to stop at the gas station. Do you want anything to snack on?” I ask her.
“Umm, yes please, Mama, I'm starvin’ Marvin,” she says.
“I thought you said you weren’t hungry, you storyteller,” I laugh at her.
“Mama, we have been on the road for
almost a year,” she giggles back at me with a shrug.
We pull into the gas station and fill the tank, but for some stupid reason my card isn’t working in the reader. “Baby, I need to go inside and pay. I need you to come with me. Hop out the car.”
“Yes, Mama.” She says as she climbs out of her seat. Locking the doors and grasping her hand, we head in to pick our snacks and to pay for the gas. As we’re making our way down the small candy aisle, I can feel someone watching me. I stop, trying to do a subtle sweep of the station, but I don’t see anyone. “Mama, can I get this please?” I spin on the spot to look down at Emma holding up a king-sized Twix candy bar.
“Yes that’s fine Baby, get some water so you can wash it down,” I tell her. While I’m waiting for Emma to grab a water, I can still feel eyes on me. Emma walks back and grabs my hand. We turn to pay for our things, and I walk right into something that feels like a wall but slightly softer. I look up and I lose my breath. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there,” I say, feeling a shitload of butterflies swarming in my belly. I try walking away without looking at him again, but that doesn’t happen at all. I couldn’t get myself to look away if I wanted to.
He’s standing there frozen in place, looking like he’s seen a ghost. Unless… Oh shit! Please God don’t let there be shit stuck between my teeth, fuck I hope I don’t have eye boogers as well. I pray to myself in the hopes that God hears my begging. Holding on to Emma’s little hand, we walk past the beautiful guy whose eyes are the color of the Pacific Ocean. I’m pretty sure he’s around six foot two, or six foot three. He’s built like a tree, brownish hair, military cut - not too short but just right, his golden skin appears soft like silk. I can’t stop admiring the way his black Henley shirt stretches on his broad chest and his faded Diesel jeans fit just right.
I’m still staring at this Adonis when I hear him clear his throat. “Are you okay?” His voice is husky; the type that can melt any woman’s panties right off her ass.
I am way too embarrassed to look him in the eye, so I study the tiles on the floor as I mumble, “Yes, I’m okay. Bye.” I walk around him and my goodness he smells amazing. I hear him chuckle because I’m pretty sure he heard me and I said that last part out loud by accident, or much worse heard me sniff him while I walked by him. Smooth, Sina, real freaking smooth.
It takes us another ten minutes to get to my mother’s place and as we pull in the driveway, I’m wishing we had taken that earlier flight because all the lights are still on and there are cars parked on the side of the road. There are more cars on the other side of the street. Knowing my luck, they’ll all belong to a cousin of mine, or possibly friends of my brothers. All I want to do is unpack, take a shower and call it a night since it’s almost three a.m. Saturday morning. But being Samoan with a big family means that there’s always someone hanging out, or literally someone who just comes over to eat anything and everything. It’s one of the things I’ve missed most when I moved away, being around my aiga.
Just as I’m getting ready to get out of the car, I hear my older brother Luka yell, “It’s about damn time, Sina. Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
I step out of the car and say, “Not right now, Luka, I’m tired. Shut it.”
He pulls me in for a hug as he says, “You’re lucky you’re my favorite sister, after Megan that is. I missed you Sis, it’s about time you came back home. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m scared to be back, but I know Emma needs to be around family.” I say as I hold onto him.
He lets go of me and says, “I know, Sis, but you shouldn’t have to stay away from home ‘cause some asshole decided to break your heart. If anything, his ass should’ve been the one to leave, not yours. Sina, I know it took a lot for you to come back, but I’m glad you’re here I’ve missed you so much.”
I breathe deeply and look into his eyes as I say, “I love you for always looking out for me, Luka, thank you.”
“Uncle Luka!” I hear Emma yell as she runs right into her uncle’s arms laughing. “I’m so happy to finally hug you,” she says looking up at Luka.
“Wassup, love bug! I missed you more than I did your mama,” he says with a wink.
“Here, Emma, grab your bag and head on in, I’m sure your grandma is watching from the window. Go and say hi to her, I’ll bring the rest of the bags in,” I tell her.
“Okay, Mama” she says, taking off for the front door.
“She’s looking more like you the older she gets, Sis” Luka says while grabbing one of the biggest suitcases full of my prized possessions, books that were gifts from dad that make me feel closer to him, not clothes. “What the fuck do you have in here? Don’t tell me it’s books, Sis, because I’ll drag this shit inside,” he says looking like he’s irritated, but I know he’s just being an ass.
“I have clothes in there too, Luka, dang” I say while I grab the rest of our stuff.
“Well, I hope you’re ready to see everyone. I know for a fact Megan is excited to see you”, he chuckles.
I slow down and walk beside him. “Speaking of, where is she? I figured she would have been the first one to bombard me when I got here.”
“She had to cover for one of her coworkers so she’s working the graveyard shift. She said she’ll be coming here after she gets off work though Sis.”
We make it to the front door, and I hear nothing but laughing and singing. Thoughts fill my head about good it is to hear something that isn’t the sound of my crying from a broken heart.
I see my mama and I bypass everyone else in the room, heading straight for her. She folds me into her arms and as I breathe her in she whispers, “It’s okay sweetie. I know you’re still hurting but I promise you, your heart will be whole again. I’m so happy your home Sina.”
For the first time since I left home, I acknowledge that I’m not fine and that I’ve foolishly convinced myself that I’ve moved on. When really all I’ve done is bury the past, layering up the reasons deep in the back of my mind of why I left.
Chapter Two
Eli
Is that who I think it is? No way - last I heard she never came back after she moved away. I turn again so I can get a better look. Shit! It is her. I can’t believe the way I feel seeing her stand across the way from me. I try moving my feet, but they seem to be glued to the ground. I know she can feel me staring at the back of her head because she stops and looks over her shoulder, scanning the space around her. I step back before she can see me and use a rack of chips to hide behind. Fuck. Smooth Eli. Smooth.
I can’t hear what she’s saying to the little girl that’s waving a candy bar at her because I’m trying to make a quick exit before anyone notices me and my dumbstruck ass. The universe has other plans though because as I’m making my way out, I feel a tiny body walk right into me, slamming against my chest.
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there.” Her voice is soft and quiet as she studies the floor.
A normal person would try moving around her but I think I may have stopped breathing, and give her my best statue impression. Right in front of me is the girl who I had such a crush on back in high school. She wasn’t one of those popular girls, but she was friends with everyone. We had almost every class together from freshman year straight through to senior year. I’ve always noticed her, but she never saw me. Shit, it didn’t help that she was dating the popular guy in high school who played every fucking sport too. Yeah, so what? I hated the guy. I never knew what she saw in the asshole, but they were the “It” couple. I personally thought she was too good for him, yeah, fuck that guy.
But, back to the gorgeous little button whose eyes keep flicking up to stare right into my soul before refocusing on her shoes. I mean everyone loved her. Who didn’t? She always had the prettiest and genuine smile that you knew was real. And on days when she looked sad, her smile was there even if it didn’t reach her eyes. Don't even get me started on her pretty brown almond shaped eyes with long lashes that I’m sure gives amazing but
terfly kisses. She still has the same long black wavy hair, with skin so brown that it compliments the color of her eyes. The years she's been gone have perfected her hourglass figure. From the curves of her breasts, to her waist that’s thick enough to hold on to. I’m sure her ass is still just as amazing as before too. Just thinking about all of her is making me hard below the fucking waist.
Wait, what the fuck am I even saying? Butterfly kisses? Where the hell did that come from? If the guys knew what the hell I was thinking they’d probably kick my ass. Shit, I’d kick my own ass. Fuck, Eli get a hold of yourself asshole. I can feel her eyes on me and all I want to do is grab her and kiss the shit out of her mouth. Damn, chill out man she probably thinks I’m a damn creep for just standing here with my tongue hanging out. “Get your shit together'' I mutter a little too quiet for the cashier to hear.