by Pua Ramona
I remember opening my eyes to look at the moon again, and how my heart skipped a beat, because I could see the man on the moon “Daddy, I see him!”
He would laugh and say, “Wherever you go or when you feel lost in this world, I want you to remember that the man in the moon will always be there to help you find your way. And when you’re feeling alone he’ll be there to listen to you, even if words aren’t spoken.”
My heart feels so heavy and all I want is my Dad. I close my eyes and feel tears on my cheeks. I look at the letter in my hands, taking a deep breath before I rip the envelope open. I pull the letter out and see a couple of photos of us. One when I was a baby, and the other one with us on my eighteenth birthday. I hold the photos to my chest and cry, “Daddy, I miss you so much it hurts.” I sit there and wait for my breathing to even out. I take another deep breath and start reading Daddy’s letter.
Masina,
Well, I have been sitting here staring at this piece of paper all day not sure where or how to write this letter. But I do want you to know how sorry I am for putting you, your mother, brothers, and sister through so much stress and heartache. God knows how bad I tried fighting through this illness, and if you are reading this right now, then I’ll know it was my time to go. Sina, there is so much I want to say, but I promised myself that I would make this a short letter.
Before I go any further I want you to promise me that no matter what happens you will continue to be the light for everyone. If you’re sitting there with a confused look on your face, then that tells me that I probably just stressed you out some more. You must be thinking that I’m crazy for giving you such a big responsibility instead of your brothers right? Right. The thing is I already talked to them, and they all know what their roles are now that I can’t be here with you guys. I want you to know that your mother is probably not doing well, but she’s going to act like everything is okay, which only means that she’s dealing with her own heartache on her own. So please, look after her even if she tells you she’s okay. There’s a box that’s in the hallway closet by our room, I want you to give that to your mom. I should’ve given it to her when I had the chance. When you give it to her, please hug her for me and tell her that I’ll always love her. That she has been the beat to my heart. Love her hard for me Sina, she deserves it.
Take care of your sister as well. I know she likes to do her own thing, but I know she’s hurting. Let her know that I heard her when she told me that she was in love, and that she was going to marry that Collins boy someday. Tell Megan that they have my blessings if they should ever decide to get married, and that I wish her nothing but a love like your mother and I share, everlasting love. I’ll trust that she’ll finish school and become a nurse that she used to tell me she was going to be when she was just a tiny pea. She said she was going to be like your grandmother, and if she’s anything like her then those doctors she works for will be lucky to have her. Braid her hair for me once in a while, it makes her feel safe. Let her know that I am proud of her.
Please be good to your brothers. They are the ones who will be standing in my place to make sure that you’re okay and will be the ones to love you for me. I know that Luka and Daniel will be just fine, just make sure they continue to be the good men that we raised them to be. Let them know that you love them every day. As for your brother Micah, I want you to know that he will be okay. I just ask you to please watch over him even if he tells you that he doesn’t need it. I know you both have always been close so I trust that you’ll do right by him. Just know that every time you fuss over him he gets a good laugh out of it, even when he acts like it bothers him. Let him know that things will be okay. Now that I’ve gotten everyone covered I can now get to the most important part of this letter.
Do you remember that day when you came home from school crying because you were worried that something was going on with Michael, and you weren’t sure what it was? Well, I want you to know that I heard every single word you spoke. I have never liked you with him, but I knew you were happy so I just never said anything. Yes, he’s always treated you good but I always felt that he was not the one for you. I knew I had to let you go through the whole experience on your own, and plus your mother warned me to keep my comments to myself or listen to her ‘oke’ me. Here’s the thing I’ve learned since falling in love with your mother. A woman should never have to cry unless they are happy tears. Any man that makes a woman question their relationship or her role in it, and is okay seeing her cry over something that he might think is pointless or silly doesn’t deserve her time and heart. I only say this Sina, because I remembered feeling my heart break the first time I heard your mother cry, because she thought I wanted another woman.
Every time you sat by my side the days you were sad and when you would cry with so much hurt in your heart, it broke my heart that I was too weak to get out of bed to comfort you. But Sina, I want you to know that you were heard, every single time you cried to me and for me. Every single time you cried, I prayed harder that God would help you find your way to where you needed to be. I know that you will be great in life my sweet girl, but it is your heart that worries me the most. Sina, you are me in every way and that I will forever be grateful for. I will leave this world knowing that maybe not today, but someday you will find the ONE who was made to love you in every way that is unconditional and deserving. And when he finds you, you will know he’s the one, because everything that is half full in your world will be overflowing with love and more life. He will be the one who will cut you the deepest, but will hold all your pieces together. Even on your bad days when you feel as if he’s doing everything wrong, he’ll make sure that he goes out of his way to hold you together when you don’t want him around. This is the man I pray for you to have one day when your time is right and he’s ready to be committed to you. Love him wholeheartedly with your prayers, heart and soul. And I promise you that he will move heaven and earth for you. Whoever he is, you tell him that he has my blessing, and that he is lucky to have a piece of me in his life. And if he makes you cry for all the wrong reasons, I will make sure that he doesn’t sleep for the rest of his life ;).
CONTINUE TO BE THE PROVERBS 31 WOMAN WE RAISED YOU TO BECOME AND NEVER FORGET THAT LOVE IS PATIENT. Don’t ever lose yourself in the things that will make you feel little. Love yourself enough to know your worth sweet girl. Last but not least, AUA LE GALO E MUAMUA LE ATUA I TAIMI UMA. Pray every day not just on your bad ones, don’t be like your brothers ☺.
Love your mother, your brothers, and sister for your old man my love. And I promise you that I will ALWAYS be in your heart and will be watching over you. If you ever feel like life is going wrong, you will feel me in the air, you will find the man in the moon guiding you, and feel God in your heart.
P.s. If you ever wondered why I named you after the Moon it’s because you, Masina, kept all the dark corners of my life so bright the day you were born. You were the light I was missing and I was lucky enough to be blessed with such a beautiful little bundle of light and beauty.
Oute alofa ia te oe Masina.
I will forever be in your heart,
Daddy.
I hold the letter close to my heart and I break all over again. My heart is broken because I miss him so much, but my heart is also at ease knowing that he heard me cry when I felt like it was my Daddy that I needed and no one else. I sit there and allow myself to mourn for the man who has held my heart in both his hands and kept it safe for all his days. I cry and pray that God keeps him close by his side. I promise Daddy that I am going to do better “I love you forever Daddy” I cry. I sit there with a piece of my heart missing, and that piece is my father.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Eli
I’m not sure how long it takes me to get to the lake. I don’t pay too much attention to anything as I park my truck and grab my sweatshirt before I step out of my truck. I throw it on and make sure to throw my baseball hat on as well because it’s a little cold by the water.
“Daddy, I miss you so much. I just wish you were here to make my heart feel better” she cries loud enough for me to hear.
I feel a sharp pain in my chest and all I want to do right now is hold her and tell her how fucking sorry I am. I know I should have walked away when I saw her sitting there, but I couldn’t do it. If being her friend is all I get from her then I’m willing to be just that. It kills me to think of her being with another man, but she deserves someone that will make her whole and I’m not that. How the hell am I supposed to give her everything she needs if I’m not a whole person myself? That would be unfair for her and I’m willing to accept the heartbreak if it means she finds love with another man. I feel a tear drop on my cheek and I know in my heart that I could have had a beautiful life with her. I take a deep breath and start making my way toward her.
I know she hears my footsteps because she wipes her face off with the blanket then moves the loose pieces of her hair behind her ear. Another pain strikes my chest and I’m ready to fall down to my knees and beg her to love me. She turns to see who’s approaching her and I hear her breath catch.
“Eli? Is that you?” she asks.
I feel my throat close up a little, so I clear it before I force out, “It’s me, your favorite person in the world”, sarcastically and I hear the sweetest sound ever. She fucking laughs this honest laugh that you can feel in the air and its like a balm to the fire in my heart.
She looks at me with eyes puffy from crying a smile meant just for me “You’re funny” she says.
I walk closer to where she’s sitting and ask “What are you doing here so late, and by yourself?” She closes her eyes then opens them with so much sadness playing out over her features.
“I needed to be with Dad. Mama gave me this letter so I figured I would take a drive here and read it” she says quietly. I don’t know what to say so I just stay quiet and wait for her to keep talking. She moves over a little and says “Here sit, this rock was made for two people.” I smile and sit next to her. She hands me a cup and says with a laugh, “Try this, it’s the best hot chocolate ever.”
“What the fuck is this?” I ask her with a sour taste in my mouth.
She covers her mouth with her hand and starts laughing. “It is the worst cup of hot chocolate I’ve ever had in my life. I figured we could both suffer through it together” she says, still laughing. I can’t help but agree with her on that one, it is the shittiest cup of hot chocolate I have ever tasted.
“Where the hell did you get it? The fucking trash?” I ask, and she laughs harder. I can’t take my eyes off of her, it’s like being here with her makes sense. She’s the most gorgeous woman ever, and it feels like I’m seeing her for the first time all over again. She doesn’t notice me watching her because she’s busy trying to wipe the tears of laughter from her eyes.
“I needed that, thank you Eli” she says with a smile. It hits me so hard in the chest that it leaves me breathless. She is the one for me without a doubt.
I give her a sad smile and say, “You deserve all the laughs in the world Sina.”
She looks at me again and reaches for my hand. “So do you Eli,” she says quietly with tears in her eyes. I’m not ready to let go of her hand so I hold it over my breaking heart. She moves closer and lays her head on my shoulder and I feel her shoulders shake with tears. I rest my head on hers and hold on to her hand like it’s my only lifeline. I hate myself for being one of the reasons she’s hurting, and I hate that I can’t hold her the way that I want to. So I sit here and wait for her to say something. It’s like we know that this is our last time being alone together before she leaves again, so we need to make every fucking second count. I feel another part of my heart fall in love with her, feeling her pain like it was my own and I love her without words but with every fucking beat of my heart. I’m having a hard fucking time trying to hold my shit together, but it’s pointless because she moves her head off my shoulder, facing me and seeing the pain splay out across my ace. I hate seeing her cry, but I know I’m going to miss her eyes and everything that makes her real, so I don’t look away. She grabs both of my hands, and holds them to her heart and I swear to God I fucking die inside.
She looks at me and whispers, “Will you pray with me Eli?”
I feel like my heart stops beating. I can’t believe after everything I said and did to her she still chooses to see the good in me. My heart loves her even more for allowing me to share this with her. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in God and when I do pray it’s always with my parents, or by myself, never anyone else. It’s like someone’s kicked me right in the chest because all I remember is my Dad always telling me to find a woman that will pray for and with me. I’ve always thought he was crazy for telling me this, but the way my heart feels right now? I’m surprised that it hasn’t exploded yet with all the emotions fighting for occupancy. The strongest one I feel is the unconditional love for this woman who will be holding my heart in her hands forever and then some. I look at her and say “I would like that.” She smiles at me and she starts praying not only for herself, but for everyone important in her life, including myself.
When she finishes she looks at me one last time and says “If I can’t have you the way my heart wants, then I would rather have you in my life as my friend then as nothing at all Eli,” as she stands up and grabs her jacket and blanket.
“Then I promise to be the best friend that you deserve.” I tell her as I stand alongside her. She gives me a sad smile and I reach for her, hugging her close one final time. “Thank you for loving me even when I don’t deserve it” I whisper in her ear.
I feel her smile against my chest as she says “Somebody has to do it.” She takes a few steps back and says “See you this weekend?”
“Hell yeah, I was invited.” I wink at her.
as she walks to her car she turns and says, “Hey Eli?”
“Yeah?” I answer.
She gives me the prettiest smile and says “You’ll find her when the time is right.”
Before I can tell her that I found her already and that she’s standing right in front of me, she gets in her car and drives away. I stand and watch her until her tail lights areno longer in sight. I take a deep breath and notice that she left her letter so I pick it up and a couple of photos fall out. I smile as I realize that they are of her and her father. I knew she was daddy’s girl , but the way he smiles at her in both photos confirms it. I know it’s wrong to read the letter , and that it’s contents are none of my business, but I wanted to know what kind of man her father was. I wanted to know the man who raised such a beautiful daughter with a heart of gold. It doesn’t take me long to read it, but his words are now carved in my heart forever.
I cast my eyes towards the
heavens and say, “Thank you for raising such a beautiful daughter with an amazing soul. I promise you that I will do everything I can to make things right.” I tuck the letter back in the envelope and decide that it’s time to head home. I get in my truck, leaving the lake with her father’s words memorized, and a newfound respect for a man I've never met. I promised him in my thoughts, that I will let her go and love her quietly. I drive away knowing that I have to start letting people in, my mother included.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Eli
Unknown: Hey new best friend ☺ Hope you don’t mind that I asked Reese for your number, but I wanted to let you know that your mom is more than welcome to come as well.
Her text makes me smile like an idiot. How is it even possible that her text is just as cute? I’ve got it bad for this girl, fuck my life. I can’t help it but flirt with her just a little.
Me: Are you saying you’re ready to meet my mother because you like me? ;)
Beautiful: Lol. Sure we’ll go with that cool guy B)
Me: So you do like me. Lol. I’ll let Mama know that my future wife wants to meet her ;)
Beautiful: *Blushing* Just bring her with you Mister. And don’t worry about bringing anything, just bring your appetite and smiles ☺
Me: Anything for you, beautiful.
Beautiful: <3
I sit there and read over our text conversation for a good three hours. Shit, what can I say? That was probably the first legit conversation we’ve had since she’s been back. And it feels good to have just that, a simple conversation with nothing intense or heavy. I’m walking out the door to my truck when I see Becca standing by her car. I slow down and try not to be pissed off that she’s here. I meet her half way down the driveway and ask, “What are you doing here Becca?” She doesn’t say anything so I question her again, “Becca?”