by Pua Ramona
He gives me a look that tells me that he doesn’t believe a fucking word i say, but thats my stance on it and I’m fucking sticking to it. “Whatever, man. Well then I guess you’re okay going with Lei and I to the Petersons this weekend,” he says.
“Why the hell would I go there when she doesn’t want shit to do with me?” I say raising my brows at him like he’s stupid.
“But you just told me a minute ago that you both decided to move on?” Reese smirks at me and I sit here pretending like I don’t hear him and his bullshit. Fuck him.
“Was I invited or am I your plus one?” I ask, rolling my eyes.
Reese looks at me and says “No, you were invited. If you would’ve checked your mail you would’ve seen the invitation dumbass.”
That takes me by surprise. They invited me? “Why would I be invited? Or who would even invite me?” I ask him.
Reese stands across from me looking irritated and says “Sina invited us, and she wanted us to be a part of their family gathering since we’ve all been getting close. And that includes your sorry ass, so don’t even think of making any bullshit excuse about not fucking going Eli. We’re all going.”
I don’t know how to feel and definitely don’t expect to be invited to anything that has to do with the Petersons. And I definitely didn’t expect an invite from Sina that’s for damn sure. I take a deep breath and say “I’ll be there. Can I bring a plus one or is that not allowed?” Of course, I don’t mean it, I’m just being an asshole to fuck with Reese.
He looks at me and says “Don’t be a fucking dick Eli. I know you’re hurting but that doesn’t mean you get to hurt her some more.”
“But you said she was moving on” I say innocently.
“Eli, don’t act like you don’t know that she’s hurting too. You’re the one who didn’t want her, not the other way around.”
“I thought you said you didn’t know what happened between us,” I say, deadpanning my face at him.
Reese chuckles and says “Did you really think that I wasn’t going to find out? I mean Lei is her bestie in case you forgot that already , dipshit.”
I know it would be shitty if I invited another girl over to the Petersons gathering, and as much as I am hurting, the idea of Sina seeing me with someone else turns my stomach. “Fine. I’ll meet you guys there” I say pushing my chair away from my desk.
Reese’s phone buzzes. “Look, I’ve got to run. I told Lei I’d help her bake some of Sina’s and Emma’s favorite cupcakes, so if you want to, I'll be cool if you want to close up early. You know so you can prep yourself for the family festivities” He says chuckling.
“Nah, I’ll finish up the paperwork then I’ll close up before I head home.” I say rolling my chair back into my desk.
“Alright man. If you get bored just come by and you can help me frost them cupcakes” he says with a dumbass wink.
“Okay asshole get the fuck out of here before I text Lei and tell her that you’re bitching about baking” I snark. Reese laughs and leaves the office.
I sat here and take another big breath. How am I supposed to act around her since she’s the one who invited me personally? Now I feel like a total asshole for talking so much shit especially for wanting to hurt her in little ways. Fuck, I am an asshole. I know what I’ll do, I’ll start over by being her friend. Fuck, how pathetic is that? I know it’s the right thing to do and what needs to be done, I mean, I may have fucked up my only chance with her, but I would rather have her in little ways than not have her in my life at all. The thought of being just a friend hurts like fucking hell, but that’s my own idiot fault.
Chapter Nineteen
Sina
It has been a few days since I walked out of Pixies, leaving my heart with him to keep forever. I would be such a terrible liar if I said that I don’t miss him at all. I miss his smile, the way he makes every piece of my heart beat. I miss the sound of his voice and the way he held my hand. I miss the way he makes me feel beautiful. I miss the way he makes everything around him come to life the most, it’s like he had the ability to breathe color back into my world when he's near me. But as much as my heart is falling for him, I can’t allow myself to go through anymore heartache. It killed me when he asked me to stay, but I know it would have been a decision that I would have regretted later on down the road.
I have spent years hiding behind my heartache and trying to push the pain away after Michael and Becca hurt me. It drained the life out of me, took away from all the little things that I was missing out on with my baby girl. I’m pretty sure that everyone gets to their breaking point and I definitely hit mine. A part of me wished that I never came back, but a huge part of me was happy that we did. I knew I couldn’t stay away or hide anymore, especially since Emma’s growing up, wanting to know where she’s from and who her family is. More importantly, she was starting to ask about her father. So, I decided to put my issues to the side and make things right with Michael for our daughter.
I need to close the door on my past in order for me to move on, and I am definitely ready to get my life back in line. And if that means letting Eli go in order for me to live a healthy life then it’s what I’ll do. The thought of not having a life with him breaks me in ways that I can’t describe, but I need to know that I can stand on my own two feet without being needy or weak. I want to be someone that others can depend on without worrying about my feelings getting hurt. What I really want is for everyone to know that I’m not this sensitive little girl that they think I am. Yes, I don’t say much because I choose not to waste my breath on things that bring nothing to my life. And okay yes, I cry, alot. But I’m allowed to so please give me a break. Secrets? I keep them because I would rather keep the ugly truth of the past to myself so my family don’t have the rumors and shit to deal with. And it’s my secret to deal with. I would rather burn my bridges and forget it ever existed.
“Hey Sina. Did you send those invitations out?” Mama asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“Yes, Mama I did, including Eli’s invitation” I say side-eyeing her.
She looks at me with a smile and says “Thank you. I don’t know the whole story about you and that Hunter boy, but I’ll wait for you to tell me when you’re ready.”
“Mama, there’s nothing to tell. Things happened and we just weren’t meant to be anything” I say on an exhale.
“Not even friends Sina?” she pushes.
I sit on the couch and think about it. “I think I can be his friend, that’s if he’ll let me be one” I say with a laugh.
“Good for you sweet girl. Plus, I think your brothers have a little soft spot for that boy.”
I looked at her and asked “Why do you say that?”
She rolls her eyes and says “Because, they told me he was at The Hut and he had birthday presents for you.” I’d forgotten about those gifts and it makes me sad that I didn’t think to grab them when I left the lake. “Luka tells me that he’s a good boy, just a little lost.”
I smile at her. “He is Mama. But he’s for someone else, not for me.” My heart gets a little heavy, but the crazy part is that I recognize it and I’m okay with it. Mama walks to her shelf where she puts pretty much everything that was hers from our dad. From cards and love letters from when they were teenagers in love to pictures of them of them throughout their time together. It’s my second favorite shelf after my beautiful bookshelf of course. She grabs an envelope and walks back over to the couch.
Giving me a sad smile she hands it to me. “Your dad gave this to me the week he passed. I was supposed to give this to you on your graduation day, but everything happened and you left. So I held on to it for when you came back home,” she says with tears in her eyes. I feel my heart crack a little and my eyes started to sting. Mama grabs my hand and says “You’re so much like him Sina. Everything about you is your dad. You have your dad's heart of gold, that’s why it’s a little easier for me to live without him here. When I look at you, I see a little bit of him a
nd that is more than enough for me.” There are tears on my cheeks and my heart feels the void that losing Dad left behind. “Sina, I want you to know that I have always been proud of you and the mother you’ve become to that beautiful little girl. You may think that I don’t see you sweetie, but I do. I know since the Michael and Becca drama everyone has been treating you like glass” she says.
“Mama how do you know about Michael and Becca?” I ask her feeling humiliated all over again.
“I’m your mother Sina and I wasn’t blind to everything that was happening. Yes, I was busy with taking care of your dad, but I always paid attention” Mama says as she pulls me into a hug. I cry hard and she soothes me with her words as she rubs my back.. “Shh. It’s okay sweetie, I know it still hurts, but you will be okay. You and Michael were only meant to love each other as teenagers, not as adults. You were made to be loved unconditionally by the only man that God created just for you, and he’s out there finding his way to you.”
“Mama, why does it feel like my heart is half full?” I sob.
She hugs me tighter and says “Because you still have to find the little things that will keep your heart flowing babygirl.” I’m not sure how long Mama holds me for, but I know I must have fallen asleep because the lights are off when I open my eyes and she’s covered me with Daddy’s blanket. I lay there on the couch for a few minutes more, then I remember the envelope that she gave me earlier. I sit up and grab it off the coffee table. I don’t want to open it, but I miss Daddy so much that I just want to be close to him right now. So I go up to my room to grab my phone and a sweater because I know it’s a little cold outside and I want to be by the lake when I read his words. Emma’s spending the night with my sisters so I go to see if Mama’s still up before I leave the house. I walk down the hallway and see her folding towels on her bed. “Hey Mama” I say leaning against her door frame.
“Hey sweetie! Did you have a good nap?” She asks as she looks up from her folding.
“You let me nap and now I’m up and it's almost midnight Mama.” I chuckle at her.
“Well, I knew you were tired, so I let you sleep because we all know you needed it” she says with an indulgent smile on her face.
“Thank you Mama.”
“Are you going out?” she asks, noticing my sweater hanging on my arm.
“Yeah, I’m going to go to the lake for a little bit. Is that okay?” I ask.
“Make sure to take a blanket as well as that sweater, I’m pretty sure that it’s cold at the lake right now.” She says.
I give her a hug and kiss her cheek, “I love you Mama.”
She hugs me once more than she continues to fold her laundry. I grab daddy’s throw cover, my letter and drive to the lake.
Chapter Twenty
Eli
It’s dark when I finally leave the office. I make it to Reese’s place by eight-thirty and of course the love birds are still baking. I thought about going home, but figured I didn’t have anything better to do so I came here instead. I thought about going to the Hut for a drink, but thought I shouldn’t push my luck, especially with everything still fresh. Before I make it to the front door I see Micah walking out. He doesn’t see me until he hears me walking up the driveway. I’m not sure if he’s still pissed off at me so I keep walking toward the front door, but I feel like something needs to be said, so I turn to him as I pass by and say “I know I don’t deserve her.”
Micah stops walking and turns to look at me “Why are you telling me this?” he asks.
I shrug and say “Because like you said before, she’s your heart and I wanted you to hear it out of my own mouth that I don’t deserve your sister.” I walk over to where he’s parked and decide that I am too fucking tired to fight so I sit down on the sidewalk.
Micah walks away from his car and over to where I am sitting down and we just sit there for a few minutes until Micah asks “What happened Uce?”
I am done making excuses so I tell him the truth. “I’m not ready to be in a committed relationship. I can't give that to her.”
He looks at me and says “Aight, that I understand but what I don’t understand is why you decided to put her through all the bullshit when you knew you weren't ready? Did you push this whole thing with my sister because you wanted to make Becca jealous? I mean, fuck man, help me understand why my sister cried herself to sleep after she came home from being with you.”
Fuck I feel like a piece of shit, but it pisses me off more that he would even think I was trying to make Becca jealous. I don't know what to say so I sit there like a dumbass. I can tell Micah’s getting pissed, but I’m ready to talk about my issues out loud.
Before Micah gets up he looks at me and says “Look, I know you were invited to the family reunion this weekend and that’s cool. But I’m warning you to stay away from Sina.” I start to say something but he cuts me off. “Nah, you had your chance and that’s it. You’re going to come over, hangout with the family, then you leave. Sina leaves for New York Monday, so just leave her be. Let her live her life and you live yours.” He gets up and starts walking to his car but before he gets in he says “By the way, I thought you’d like to know that Marino will be there and I’m sure he’ll be spending time with Sina, so leave whatever bullshit you got at your place before you come over. All I ask is that you let my sister find her happiness because it isn’t with you E.” He gets in his car and drives off. My head spins and my chest hurts, but I have nobody to blame but myself.
I’m not sure how long I sit there for before I feel someone nudge my arm. I move my hands away from my face and realize that it’s Lei. I am hurting, so I sat here looking at her and I know she understands where my thoughts are at because she wraps her arms around me and just sits alongside holding me closer. We sit huddled together quietly until she breaks the silence asking, “Do you miss her?” I know we aren't talking about Sina and I feel a pinch in my chest.
“I miss her when I’m in my head, or when I’m alone. But I hate her for leaving me Lei, why couldn’t she fucking talk to me? I was supposed to fucking protect her and I couldn’t even do that” I feel myself getting angry. “She was supposed to fucking love me.”
My eyes burn and I know it’s pointless trying to fight the pain so I allow it to wash over me. The last time I cried was when my Dad passed away. I never once cried for her, I made sure I was numb because I didn’t want to feel a fucking thing.
We met and dated during college, she was supposed to be my other half, she promised to be my wife, the mother to my children. We were supposed to grow old together, but she fucking lied and was too weak when real life happened. She got pregnant. I was scared when she told me, but I was happy that we were going to have a baby. I knew we were still young and in college, but plans changed so I was going to make sure she had everything, and that she was taken care of. She was scared shitless, but the more we talked about it she started getting excited about our baby. Everything was good until I got to our apartment after working a double. Walking into our bedroom, I wasn’t sure if she was sleeping, but the closer I got to her I knew there was something wrong. She wasn’t breathing.
I couldn’t get myself to move or do anything, I was fucking numb, frozen watching her laid out on the bed. I knew when I touched her that she was gone. I don’t remember calling the cops, but when they showed up I was too lost to even understand what was going on. I remembered one of the officers handing me a note and confirming that she’d overdosed on pills that she more than likely got off the fucking streets. I didn’t want to read the note they’d found in her hand, but I had to know what she’d written.
Elijah,
I couldn’t do it. Please forgive me.
Chrissy.
She was selfish, she didn’t even say she was sorry in the fucking note and I hated her for it. I found out a couple of days later after that she had an abortion the same day she killed herself. Because of her, I decided that I wasn’t going to be committed to anyone and that I would never all
ow anyone else a piece of my heart. I fucking hated her for being a weak coward. I would have made it work. We could have had our future, but she stole that from both of us. I’m so angry and lost in my thoughts that I don’t realize Reese is now sitting with us until he pats my shoulder firmly sayin, “Eli! Come on man, breathe bro.”
I look at him and choke out through sobs, “I fucking hate her! I hate her so fucking much that I can’t forgive her Reese.”
“I know man and I’m sorry that you’re going through this.” His hand is still on my shoulder, giving me the support I need without overwhelming me.
I need to be alone so I get up and say “I’m going to head out. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
I start walking back to my truck but stop as I feel little hands wrap around my waist. “I love you Eli” Lei says as she lets me go. I get in my truck and I drive, not ready to head home yet, so head toward the lake with my fucked up head and my heavy heart.
Chapter Twenty-One
Sina
It doesn’t take me long to get to the lake. I make sure I park by the rock that Daddy and I used to sit on when we used to come out here to watch the sunrise or for a picnic. I sit there for a few minutes and feel sadness in my heart. My eyes start tearing up so I take a deep breath and grab everything that I need before I step out of the car. I make my way to the rock and lay the blanket out to make sure I’ll be comfortable before I sit down. The breeze touches my skin and I’m glad that I grabbed an extra jacket and a hot chocolate on my way out of the house. The water is so calm and clear that you could see the moon's reflection. I sit there and smile a little because all the stories Daddy used to tell me about the moon start replaying in my head. I remember when he would tell me that if I looked up at the moon I would see the man who lived on it. I would laugh and tell him that he was silly and that I didn’t see him because he wasn’t real. Daddy would look at me with a peaceful smile and would repeat himself “Sina, look again and this time make sure to look with your heart.”