Pieces of Me

by Pua Ramona

  She looks at me with tired eyes and says “I’m late.” It hits me that she’s talking about her fucking period being late.

  “What do you mean you’re fucking late Becca?” I snap.

  She looks at me like I just slapped her and says, “Are you serious right now Eli? You fucked me numerous times without a condom you asshole.”

  “So you’re here cause what Becca?” For the first time since I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her look so small and broken. I take a deep breath and try not to get mad at her because shit, I played a part in this too. All I can think about is Chrissy and how she looked when she first told me that she was having my baby. I feel a little pain in my chest and try to work through my breathing.

  We stand there for a few minutes until she says, “Eli, I’m not ready to have a baby.” I take a few steps back and lean on my truck for support, closing my eyes and breathing deeply. I hear Becca crying and feel sad for her as well because we both didn’t have plans to have kids together and she knows that I didn’t want to be with her. A baby won’t change that. She wraps her arms around her stomach and says “I don’t know what to do Eli. I know you don’t want me like that, but I might be pregnant and I’m fucking scared.”

  I pull her toward me hugging her as she cries because I'm not a completely heartless jerk. All I can think about is how Sina will never want a life with me now, and she’ll probably cut herself out of my life if Becca is having my baby. What the fuck have I done? There’s pretty much no coming back from just how fucked I am this time. But right now, I have to put Becca first and if she is carrying my baby I’ll make sure that I do right by her, even if that means hurting Sina. We both stand there in the driveway for a little while and neither of us realize that we have company until I someone clears their throat. I feel Becca hug me tighter and I look to see who’s arrived and I feel my heart drop to the pit of my stomach.

  “We came by to see if you wanted to have breakfast with us, but we see that you’re busy” Reese says with no emotion on his face. I look over his shoulder and see Lei and Sina walking back to the car. I started to panic, I don’t want her to think that I’m back with Becca, and even though it shouldn’t matter because we're doing the friends thing, I still feel like I’ve been caught cheating on her. I glance fromReese and to Becca.

  “Here, go wait for me inside,” I say to Becca as I offer her my keys. She looks over Reese’s shoulder and I know she sees Sina and Lei. She looks at me with tears in her eyes as grabs the keys and heads inside the house. I turn to talk to Reese but he’s already walking back to the car “Reese wait!” I yell after him.

  “What, Eli? What can you possibly say to me now?” he snaps.

  “Look it’s not what it looks like, man” I say holding my hands either side of my head.

  He looks at me and says “You know what? I don’t even fucking want to know anymore. Just go back inside to Becca, that's who you belong with. I’m done with your bullshit.”

  I want to be pissed off at Reese for the shit he’s saying, but I can’t even blame him for reacting this way. This is all on me. “Reese, wait” I say again, but he keeps walking to the car, ignoring me. I don’t want any of them to leave thinking that I don’t give a shit about Sina. I definitely don’t want them to think that I’m back with Becca. I get to the car and go straight to Sina’s side. I open her door and beg, “I need to talk to you, please.” It kills me that I’m going to hurt her again.

  “Sina, you don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to,” Reese says with so much anger behind his words. I’m ready to punch him in the fucking mouth, but I know he’s just trying to keep her from getting hurt again.

  She isn’t looking at me, so I grab her hand and say, “Please, let me explain.” I was officially the biggest asshole, and if she says no I won’t blame her at all.

  She turns to Lei and says, “I’ll be right back.” I know Reese is pissed off and I feel like shit because I know Lei is hurting for Sina. She steps out of the car and I grab her hand, but she pulls it away before I have the chance to hold it. I know she’s shutting me out already and I hate it. She follows me to the side of the garage and before I say anything she says, “Eli, you don’t have to explain yourself to me or anyone.”

  I hate myself for doing what I promised her father I would never do again. I look at her and everything starts to hurt, shit breathing seems harder than usual. I’m not sure how to tell her so I just blurt out,“Becca might be pregnant.” I can’t even look at her right now. I’m so ashamed and angry with myself. I feel my heart beating through my chest.

  I hear her choking on her cries as she says, “Take care of yourself Eli” as she starts walking away.

  I grab her hand “Sina, please, don't leave.” I don’t expect her to be okay with it, but I also don’t want her to leave hating me.

  She stops and turns to look at me “I can’t do this anymore. I want you to be happy, and if Becca makes you happy then I’m happy for you.”

  I can’t find my words so I stand there with her hands in mine and say, “I’m so fucking sorry Sina.”

  She smiles through her tears and says “Don’t be. Just live a happy life Eli.” She pulls her hands out of mine and walks out of my life, this time for good. I watch as she gets in the car and looks over her shoulder before giving me one last smile that belongs just to me. And that small act is enough confirmation that I don’t deserve her at all.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Sina

  I wasn’t sure if he was going to show up today. I wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to come, but I also didn’t want him to think that I was being bitter. I’m hurt, of course, but that doesn’t mean I have to stop living. I didn’t allow myself to have a pity party because for what? But I did allow myself to cry one more time before I closed the door on that piece of my heart for good. When he said that Becca might be pregnant with his baby, I was ready for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I couldn’t even get upset because I didn’t have the right, it was a waste of time, and I was done allowing all the things that hurt to control me. I knew Reese was angry, and Leila was quiet about the whole thing. But I told them that I was okay, did they believe me? Probably not and I loved them for that. All I knew was that I was already up and getting both Emma and I ready for today’s family festivities.

  “Morning Mama” Emma says.

  I kiss her on her forehead and say, “Morning baby girl.”

  “I am so excited to meet my cousins,” she smiles at me.

  I pull her in for a big hug and mumble into her hair, “I’m excited for the food” and she laughs.

  “Mama, can you braid my hair the way I like it please?” she asks with a handful of hair ties.

  I think about my sister and it makes me smile. “Sure Love, hand me the brush” I say as there’s a knock on the door.

  “It’s me, can I come in?” Megan says from the hallway.

  I laugh and as she walks in with a big smile on her face.

  “Are you ready to people watch Sis? Cause I am,” she says way too excited about it.

  I shake my head and say, “We are not going to watch people. Last time we did that we got in trouble because you couldn’t keep your face shut.”

  She lays at the foot of the bed and says “I know, but it was funny as hell.” I roll my eyes at her sarcastically and continue to braid Emma’s hair. Just as I’m finishing up Megan looks at Emma and says “Hey Munchkin, Grandma has breakfast ready, so she said to come down so you can eat with the boys when you’re finished getting your hair done.”

  Emma smiles at her and holds her arms out for a hug from her aunt as I fix the last braid into place. “You smell pretty Aunty Megan,” she says and then walks out the room closing the door behind her.

  I get up to grab my glasses and I hear my sister take a deep breath “What?” I ask.

  She looks at me and says, “I feel like I’ve been missing out on everything that's happening with you whilst you’re her
e, so I’m feeling left out,” with a pout.

  I roll my eyes at her again and say, “Oh please, I’m sure you know enough.”

  She sits up and gives me this ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ look, “What do I know Sis? I’ve been too busy to know what’s going on in your life Sina. So stop bullshitting and catch me up” she whines.

  I shake my head and sit down next to her .“Fine, I’ll make it short since we’re supposed to be at the park in an hour, that means I talk and you stay quiet. Deal?” I say knowing full well Meghan will struggle like fuck to not chime in as I talk.

  Megan rolls her eyes at me and says “Deal. But am I allowed to ask questions?”

  “No you’re not.” I say as I fold my arms across my chest.

  “Ew fine. Now tell me what the hell have you been up to since the last time I saw you?” she asks.

  “You just asked a question.” I roll my eyes at her.

  She huffs and puffs and says “Ugh. Okay, okay continue.”

  I take a deep breath and begin. “After we left the Hut that night, we drove to the lake to watch the sunrise but it never happened, because we had sex twice and the second time he called me Becca.” Megan’s eyes get big and before she opens her mouth I put both hands out to stop her from speaking. “We got into a huge argument and I called Marino to pick me up.” Her eyes get bigger. “Reese and Leila came by the next day to check on me, and all I did was cry.” I watch my sister’s shoulder fall a little and I know she’s hurt because I didn’t reach out to her. It makes me feel bad that I kept this from her when she’s been nothing but an amazing sister to me and my best friend since we were little. I want to get it all out before I change my mind so I continue, “Then I saw Eli at Pixies and we had sex again, well it was more like goodbye sex.” My sister doesn’t say anything to that, just sits there and listens and I love her a little more for it. “I saw him the day before yesterday at the lake when I went there to read Daddy’s letter.” I feel the back of my eyes sting as I recall it. “We sat there for a couple hours, we prayed and then I left. Yesterday Reese, Lei, and I decided to go over to his place to have breakfast since we agreed to be friends. But when we got there he was in the driveway hugging Becca.”

  Megan looks at me with a confused face “What?”

  I take a deep breath and rush out, “She was there because she might be pregnant with Eli’s baby.” Megan looks at me with her ‘what the hell’ face, but I can’t hold the words in anymore.

  “He wanted to explain himself, but I stopped him. I told him that I was done and for him to take care of himself and that all I wanted was for him to be happy with his life.” I feel my heart sting a little and I close my eyes for a few minutes.

  Megan looks at me with tears in her eyes and says, “You deserve so much more than that Sina. I hate that you’ve been through all this in the short period of time that you’ve been back, but I am so damn proud of you for being such an amazing person. I mean, fuck, I would have probably lost my shit, but you didn’t ‘cause that’s just the person you are. You always put your feelings aside to make sure the other person is okay. As much as I want to talk so much shit about that asshole, I get it Sina, I really do.” She reaches over for my hand and says, “ Just promise me that if you ever go through anything like this again, that you’ll call me first? Even if I’m at work, just call me and I will get to you as fast as I can.”

  I pull her in for a hug and say, “I’m sorry for not coming to you first, I just didn’t want to be a burden to you.”

  She hugs me tighter and says, “You are never a burden, you’re my sister, and I’ll always be here for you.” We sit there for a few minutes and Megan messes up our moment when she asks “Did he make you come at least?”

  I punch her in the arm and say, “You’re so damn gross you know that right. I can’t believe you just asked me that.”

  She laughs, “You’re blushing, that must mean he made you come more than once,” she says and does this weird waggle thing with her eyebrows at me.

  “You’re sick and I can’t stand you right now.” I say as I get up from the bed, feeling my face getting warm.

  She laughs a little bit longer and says “Okay, okay, I’m done. Whew, I needed that laugh after the long week I’ve had. Is he still coming today?”

  I shrug and answer honestly, “I don’t know. I didn’t tell him not to come, but I’m hoping he doesn’t show up.”

  Megan looks at me and says, “And if he does?”

  I take a deep breath and say, “Then I’ll make sure to wear my prettiest smile and to be his friend.”

  She shakes her head at me and says, “I don’t know how you do it Sis, but I love you for your patience and how you care so much.”

  I smiled at her, “Are you ready?”

  Sadness taints her smile as she says “Let’s make this weekend the best one, especially for Daddy.”

  I grab her hand and say “You know, Daddy was and is still proud of you right? And he wanted me to let you know that he heard you talk about Colin, and that he gave you his blessings.” Colin is an amazing husband to my sister, he's lucky to have her and she is lucky to have found her person in him.

  Her hands go automatically to her chest and she says “He heard me?”

  I pull her in for another hug and say, “Yes Sis. Daddy heard you and he wanted me to let you know that he’s proud and he loves you.”

  My sister hugs me tighter and I let her cry before we make our way downstairs. “I love you,” she whispers.

  I kiss the top of her head and say, “I love you forever sister.”I held my little sister and silently pray that she believes that Daddy is proud of the woman she’s grown up to be. I feel some lightness seep into my heart, and I know I’m going to be okay.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Eli

  I don’t know what being lonely feels like, until she leaves me standing there with pieces of my life falling apart. I can’t help the pain that I’m feeling. I know I have to do my part by being there for Becca, but a huge piece of me wants to go after Sina and beg her not to shut me out.

  “You’re in love with Sina aren’t you?” Becca says.

  “Don’t ever say her name again” I snap, hating hearing her name on Becca's lips.

  She looks at me and says, “It’s okay if you are Eli. You look at her the same way Michael still does, and I don’t blame you.”

  “Becca, stop. Just stop okay” I say through gritted teeth.

  She takes a deep breath and says, “I hate that I hurt her the way that I did.”

  “Then why did you do it? Did she deserve it at all?” I ask because there is a part of me that always wondered why she hurt Sina by going after Michael while they were together.

  She looks at me and says, “I have always been jealous of her, even when she was the only one who stood up for me when people used to talk behind my back. I wanted people to love me the way they loved her, I wanted to be respected the way she was respected. I wanted what she had.”

  “But you were the popular girl Becca, you had everything back then and you still do today. Of all the guys that wanted you, why did you choose unavailable Michael out of all of them?” I ask because shit I’m fucking curious.

  She doesn’t look at me this time but says, “Because I knew that she wasn’t sleeping with him, I figured he was curious about sex and I used it against him ‘cause that’s all guys think about anyways. So Michael and I ended up at the same party, we drank and I knew we slept together ‘cause we both woke up the next morning naked.”

  “So you were Michaels first and Sina doesn’t know?” I say, looking at her in a whole new light.

  “She thinks that we slept together after she lost her virginity to him” she cries. I can’t believe the shit I’m fucking hearing. I’m pissed and hate that they fucking did this to her. But I’m also no one to judge because I’m doing the same thing by hurting her right now myself. “I knew Michael never stopped loving her, even when s
he left for college. When he found out she left without saying anything, he hoped that she hadn’t found out about us, but I knew that she knew” she says.

  I looked at her and ask, “How?”

  Becca looks at me with so much regret in her eyes and cries, “‘Because she sent me a letter saying that she forgave me for betraying her. I know now that when she left she was pregnant, and I will never forgive myself for putting her through so much bullshit out of my own insecurities and jealousy”

  I’m not sure if she’s waiting for me to pity her as she looks at me with a contrite expression on her face, but she isn’t going to get that shit from me. I have my own shit to figure out and deal with. “Eli, I don’t expect you to want to be with me, but I just need you to be here for me if I am pregnant. I’m not ready to be a mother, and I know I’m not fit to be a good one for a baby. I’ll make a doctor’s appointment to be sure, but I am willing to sign over all my parental rights.” She cries and wrings her hands together in her lap.

  I’m shocked to be honest. I really thought she was going to use this baby to keep me.I look at her and ask, “Why are you doing this Becca?”

  “Because I know you’ll be a great father and he or she deserves a parent that has their shit together. Eli, we both know that I am not fit for that. I am a selfish person.”

  And just like that everything bad between us doesn't exist anymore and I respect Becca for being honest with me. This is the side of Becca that I wish other people could see. I walk over to where she’s sitting and pull her close enough that I comfort her. I’m sad for her, but I know she meant everything she just said. So I hold her and love her, not because I’m in love with her, but because I have a gut feeling that she is pregnant, and that she is the mother of my unborn child. Even after all the shit she’s done, Becca was a friend before everything got fucking messy. “Thank you Eli, for not judging me. And I am sorry for everything that I put Sina through,” she cries against me.