by Pua Ramona
Before I can respond back to her my phone buzzes again. This time it’s from Reese and Lei.
Reese: We’re heading to the hospital right now. Go ahead and lock up, see you soon.
Lei: It’s Micah. See you at the hospital ☹
This is one of the things I’ve been fucking dreading. I have prayed every night that this day didn’t come, and it has. Micah and I have gotten closer since the day his sister fucking punched me in the nose. After Sina left, Micah started coming by the office to hangout and we just ended up doing everything together, just the two of us. Other days it’s me, Micah, and Reese. There have been days when Micah just needed someone to listen without judgement. On his bad days, I would meet him at the lake to have a drink with him while he cried about leaving his family. But what killed me the most was when he’d cried for his sisters. Those are the days I hate the most. On his good days, Micah made sure everyone was smiling or laughing. He even found a soft spot for Becca. They have been close as well, I knew it bothered the girls but they never said anything because seeing him smile was more important the telling Becca to fuck off. I shut down my computer and grabbed my jacket and keys. I’m getting in the car when my phone goes off again…
Becca: I’m on my way to the hospital.
Me: Who’s driving you?
Becca: I’m just leaving the store and I’m five minutes away.
Me: Do not text me when you’re driving!!!
Becca: I’m still in the parking lot.
Me: Okay. I’ll see you there.
Becca: Okay!
I throw my phone into the cup holder and start driving to the hospital. On my way there all I can do is pray that it wasn’t time for him to leave us. I’m not ready to say goodbye; I’m not ready to let Micah go. He was my brother from another mother.
It takes me fifteen minutes to get to the hospital. I park my truck, make sure I have my phone and I run inside. I want to make sure I say goodbye to him, I want to make sure he knows that he helped me in so many ways. I run through the door and the nurse points me to the waiting area. I turn to see who’s here and see that everyone has showed up for him. I can’t take my eyes off Miss Rita and Megan so I walk over to where they are sitting.
Megan sees me and starts crying harder. I reach for her hand and pull her up so I can hug her. Did I mention that Megan and I have lunch every Thursday? Yeah, she’s an amazing woman with a loud mouth. She’s everything that is the Petersons. When I start missing her sister bad, I either call her or text her just because. She figured out on her own why I did, but she never asked me to stop. I love her the way I love Lei and Mona. They are my sisters. They taught me a lot about the things I lack at. I love them because even with my situation, they never once made me feel like I didn’t belong. I hold Megan tighter and she cries hysterically. “Shh, I need you to breathe Megan” I whisper to her.
She hugs me tighter, “I’m not ready to say bye”, she cries. I look around and see that everyone is crying. June-Bug’s sitting next to Miss Rita holding her as she cries, Luka and Becca are sitting on the opposite side. Becca’s crying while Luka holds her hand. Daniel’s in the corner holding Mona who’s breaking apart in his arms. I look over to see where Mama is and see that she’s sitting with their grandfather. She gives me a sad smile and I almost lose my shit. Next to them Reese is rubbing Lei’s back as she sobs into his chest.
My heart hurts for this family. I don’t know how long we stand here when it hits me. Did anyone let Sina know what was going on? I look down so I can see Megan’s face and ask, “Has anyone called your sister?” She starts crying harder and shakes her head no. I don’t want to ask, but I need to know, “Does she know about Micah?”
She shakes her head again, “Micah didn’t want us to tell her.” I take a deep breath and shake my head to calm myself. She doesn’t even know that her brother’s dying, and no one fucking told her. I feel myself getting angry, but I make sure not to show it. I pull Megan away from everyone and say, “You have to call her. How do you think she’ll feel when she finds out that everyone knew, but kept it from her?” She looks at me and all I see is sadness and guilt in her eyes. I clasp her hands in mine and say “You have to call her Megan, ‘cause if she finds out too late this will break her.” I let her cry for a little, “Do you want to use my phone?”
She pulls her phone from her back pocket and sniffles. I start to walk away, but she grabs my hand, “Please don’t go” she cries quietly. I hold her hand while she makes the call to her sister. I know that Sina not knowing that brother is sick means that shit is going to get worse and I’m worried about how much she’s going to fucking hate me when she finds out that I’ve known the whole time. Megan hangs up and looks at me with sad eyes, “She’s going to fucking hate us all”, she says. And I don’t say anything because it’s the truth.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Sina
Marino was able to get us on the six a.m. flight out of J.F.K. It was a six-hour flight; and thankfully it was a nonstop. We arrived in Seattle around eleven a.m. I was just grateful that the flight wasn’t crowded. Marino reaches for my carry-on but I tell him I’m fine and can manage. Emma grabs her little bag then takes my hand. I look down to see if she’s okay, I know she’s worried because she saw me crying on the flight.“Baby girl, I’m okay. Stop worrying about me” I tell her.
I see tears in her eyes as she says, “Mama, is everything okay?”
“I don’t know sweetie, but we’ll find out together okay?” I tell her as I squeeze her little hand a little tighter. Emma hugs me tight and I hear her sniffle. My heart aches for her. I hold her for a few more seconds then we start making our way to the baggage claim area and pick out our things from the carousel.
“Wait here, let me go grab the keys,” Marino says. Before he walks over to the counter I wrap my arms around him, wanting him to know that I’m thankful for him. He kisses my forehead and heads off to grab the keys to our rental. I take a deep breath and fish my phone out from my purse and check for any calls or messages since Megan last called. There are several messages and a couple of voicemails, so I open Megan’s message first;
My Sista My Sista: When you guys get here don’t go home. We’re all here at the Hospice. See you soon. Love you!
What the fuck? Why would they be there? I don’t know what to think, but my thoughts go to Grandpa Tali. I close my eyes and pray that he’s okay. I know he’s old, but he’ s also the strongest old man I know. I say a little prayer and try to stay positive, but it’s hard.
“Are you okay?” Marino asks as he spins the car keys around his finger. I can’t stop my tears so I just let them fall.
“I don’t know yet. But Megan texted me and said to meet them at the Hospice.” I say with a sniff. Marino looks confused but he grabs our things and we head outside. He loads Emma’s things into the trunk before buckling her in. Then he grabs our bags and puts them alongside Emmas. He waits until I’m in the car before he leans in to snap my seatbelt into place. Before he closes my door he kisses me on the cheek and I don't pull away. I sigh as he closes the door and walks around to the driver’s side.
“Do you want to stop and get something to eat before or after?” he asks me as he turns the keys in the ignition.
“We should probably stop and pick something up for Emma.” I say, not really thinking about myself and wanting to get to the Hospice and find out what the fuck is going on. He doesn’t say anything, but just smiles at me. He pulls away from Sea-Tac airport and I reach over and grip on to his hand. He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles and a little piece of me settles down. I lean my head on my window and don’t realize that I’ve fallen asleep until Marino wakes me up to let me know that we were ten minutes away from the Hospice.
I sit up in my seat and he asks, “Do you need anything?”
“No thank you. I just want to get there so I can breathe.” He kisses my hand then continues to drive. I glance in the rear view mirror to check on Emma because she’s
pretty quiet, and find that she’s fast asleep.
“She nodded off right after she finished eating her burger,” Marino says.
“Thank you for being here with us,” I tell him, feeling thankful for having him by our side.
“I’ll be anywhere for you Babe” he says. Butterflies start to swarm in my belly, but they die a little when I realize that he’s falling in love with me. I know because he looks at me the way I used to look at Eli. I pull my hand from his, pretending that I’m checking my phone, but I know he sees the move for what it is and feels that I’m pulling away from him emotionally because his eyes speak volumes as he studies me. I hate myself for allowing myself to be okay with how things are going with us. I love Marino, but I’m not in love with him. I know we have to talk, but it’s going to have to wait until I’ve found out what the hell is going on with my family.
It’s early afternoon when we pull into the parking lot. Marino parks and we just sit there looking at the building. My heart is beating out of my chest and I’m feeling a cocktail of emotions. I’m not sure that I’m ready, but I know that I have no choice but to go inside.
“Are you going to be okay?” Marino asks.
I look at him and give him an honest answer “No, I don’t think so.”
He grabs both of my hands and says, “I’ll be in there to make sure you’re okay. You are not alone Sina.” I feel my eyes sting because I wouldn’t have made it this long if he hadn't moved to New York. I feel the tears on my face and he uses his thumb to wipe them away. “Whatever happens, I want you to know that I will never blame you for my feelings.”
I sit there and cry not only for the ache in my heart, but for his heart as well. He moves the pieces of my hair that have worked their way loose on the journey behind my ear and holds my face with both of his hands. “Sina, you are one of the most honest, strong, humble, funny, and most beautiful women I have ever met in my life. I know where your heart is and I would never ask you to choose. I need you to know that I am in love with you, but I want you to do what’s best for you and your heart. I can’t have you the way I want too, so I will be here for you as your friend nothing else.”
“I will always love you Marino” I cry as he pulls me in for a hug and my heart dies a little.
He kisses my temple and says, “Let’s clean your face up before you head inside.”
I laugh through my tears and say, “When the right woman finds you, she will be the luckiest woman in the world.” I kiss him on his cheek then grab a handful of tissues for my face. I don’t know why I even bother with it, it’s not going to help me at all. I check myself in the mirror and laugh again. I look like shit. “I can’t do anything with this face. So we should just go inside.”
He laughs at me and says, “You’re beautiful no matter what.” He steps out of the car and walks around to get Emma out. “Wake up honey girl” He strokes her hair from her face as he unbuckles her belt.
“Are we here?” she says sleepily.
“Yes we are Love” he tells her.
Emma gets out of the car and asks “Where are we Mama?”
Before I can answer her , Marino says “We’re making a stop before we take you to Grandma’s house.” She smiles a little but I know she’s nervous. I unbuckle myself and step out of the car. I make sure that I look somewhat put together, but it’s impossible. I still look like shit. I walk around the car and meet Marino and Emma by the trunk.
“Ready?” he asks.
I take a deep breath and say, “No.”
He lifts my hand to his mouth and kisses it. “I got you.” He says. I close my eyes and relax a bit. I keep a hold of his hand and take Emma’s in my other one.
We walk to the building and realize how crowded the parking lot is. As we get closer to the door, I feel my heart beating fast, too damn fast. I hold onto Marino’s hand tighter and make sure Emma is okay. He squeezes my hand and continues walking inside the door. I start feeling nauseous and stop to make sure that I’m not going to throw up.
“Are you okay?” Marino asks with concern on his face.
“Yes, I just thought I was going to throw up for a moment there. It’s the smell that I can’t stomach right now. Disinfectant and dust.” I say as I try to breathe through my mouth instead of my nose. We wait a few minutes for me to collect myself before walking over to the nurses station. I don’t know who to ask for so we stand patiently until one of the nurse’s sees us and comes over.
“Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t know anyone was waiting” she says with a genuine smile.
“It’s okay, we just got here” I try to smile, but fail miserably.
“Who are you here to visit?” she asks. I don’t know who is actually here so I stand there and let the tears fall from my eyes.
Another nurse walks up and asks, “Are you here with the Peterson family?” I nod my head and she gives me a sad smile. “You must be Sina and this must be little Miss Emma. I’m Laura, one of the nurses here” she says.
“I’ll take you to your family.” She smiles at Emma, then reaches for her hand. Emma looks at her and takes her hand slowly. We follow her down a long hallway and she makes a left turn then stops at room 108. She goes to knock on the door, but I stop her.
“We got it from here, thank you so much,” I say. She smiles at us, then walks back the same way we came.
Marino looks at me and whispers “Are you ready?” I just shrug. I grab Emma’s little hand as she begins to cry, while Marino holds onto mine. I take a deep breath and toe the door open. What I don’t expect was for everyone to be here. I didn’t expect to see a piece of me laying in the bed hooked up to machines. I didn’t expect to see my baby brother lying there dying. I feel everyone’s eyes on me and I don’t give a shit who’s here, because it finally hits me that they’ve all fucking known whats been happening and kept it from me.
I pull Emma to me and say “Baby girl, you go with Rino and wait outside okay? I’m going to talk to your uncle then I’ll call you when it’s your turn okay? I love you baby girl.” And I pull her in for a hug.
She hugs me tighter and says, “I love you forever Mama.”
“Even when the sun doesn't shine baby girl” I tell her as I kiss the top of her head.
I look at Marino “Can you please take her outside for a little bit?” I ask. He pulls me in for a hug then picks Emma up and walks out with her crying quietly on his shoulder.
The door closes and I hear Micah say ,“You came back home.” And I fucking break. I am so angry with everyone, but right now all I want to do is hold my baby brother. I don’t acknowledge anyone, not even Mama. I make it to the side of his bed and he says, “Can you tell me a story?” All I can do is shake my head yes, take my shoes off and make sure to wash my hands before I climb onto the bed. Micah makes room for me and I lay my head on his chest and everything inside of me shatters. “Shh. Aua ke kagi.” Don’t you cry he whispers. And I just cried harder.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Eli
They moved Micah to the Hospice because they said there was nothing else they could do but keep him comfortable until it was his time. No one knew what to say so we all kept quiet. Miss Rita and Mama were probably the only ones who were strong enough to push through their emotions. They held everyone together. After the doctor explained how Hospice worked, he transferred Micah yesterday after everyone visited with him. Most of their families went home, while we stayed and helped Miss Rita get things ready for Micah.
While Mama, Miss Rita and the girls left to grab some things for him, me and the guys stayed and kept him company. Becca wanted to stay, but I sent her home to rest and because I felt like this wasn’t her place right now. Things weren’t awkward at all; we just didn’t know how to be anymore. So we just sat in his room and watched whatever was on tv. Micah couldn’t keep up with our conversations most of the time so he just slept. When he woke up late last night he looked around like he was looking for someone. Luka, Daniel, and Reese were asleep so I went to see if
he was okay. I got to the side of his bed and all I could hear was him calling out for his sister and it killed me. I wasn’t sure if he was dreaming or not so I quietly asked “Micah, are you okay?” At first he slowly opened his eyes then he had this look on his face like he didn’t know where he was. I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed “Bro, are you okay?” I asked again.
He slowly looked at me with tears running down his face and on his pillow. “I want Sina. I can’t go without saying bye” he cries. I felt my own tears running down my face, I tried not to but I was slowly breaking for this family. He reaches for my hand and says “I need my sister to be here when I take my last breath.”
I hold his hand in both of mine and say, “She’ll be here soon.” And I look up to check the clock on the wall.
I hear him take a deep breath then he says something that threw not only me off, but the rest of the guys. “The baby isn’t yours Eli” Micah says.
I’m not sure if I heard him right so I lean in and ask, “What was that?” He starts coughing so I give him some water. When his coughing calms down, I ask him again “Can you repeat what you just said?”
He clears his throat and says “Becca’s baby isn’t yours.”
I feel like I’ve been kicked in the fucking chest. I see Luka walking over to the other side of his bed with a sour look on his face and I hear Daniel and Reese stand behind me. I take a deep breath and rub my face with my hands.
Luka looks at me, then looks at his brother, “How do you know that it’s not E’s baby, bro?” he asks. Micah starts dozing off from the meds they have been giving him. Luka leans a little and asks “If E’s not the father, then who is it?”
Micah has his eyes half way open as he says, “The baby is mine.”
Luka’s face pales and I hear both Reese and Daniel say “What the fuck?” under their breath.
“How do you know this?” Luka asks.