by Pua Ramona
“Fuck man, are you good?” he asks. I can’t find my fucking words so I just nod my head yes. I take another deep breath and see that Becca looks like she’s seeing a fucking ghost. And by the way it looks, she’s staring at Sina’s pregnant belly too. Micah looks over to see who it is and his face lights up when he realizes that it’s his sister.
We weren’t sure how long he was going to be able to hold on for, so as mad as I am, I’m relieved she’s made it here in time to see him. I look over to where Luka, Daniel and the girls are standing, they’re still shocked by what we all just found out. I chuckle a little and shake my head. How the fuck can we be pissed off at her for not telling us she was pregnant, when we all kept something just as big from her? Wait, why would she even tell me shit? She never returned any of my calls, and never texted back. I have no right to her and what goes on in her life. I’m so torn with how I feel.
I want to hold her because she looks like she’s going to break, but I know it’s not my place. So I sit here and watch the woman that my heart is in love with stand and cry her fucking heart out. I look to see if anyone is going to do anything, but she basically ran to Micah and cried before anyone could. Micah has tears falling down his face and it’s hard to breathe in here because you can feel their emotions in the air. She washes her hands and takes off her shoes while Micah makes room for her on his bed. She gets in and literally clings to him. He pulls her closer, kisses her on her forehead and whispers something in her ear. I knew they were close, but to see it with my own eyes breaks something inside of me. I see a little boy who looks up to his older sister and loves her with everything that he has. The same way she looks at him like he’s her hero that keeps everything bad away from her. I know she loves her family all the same, but Micah was her safe place. It’s eerily quiet in here and all I can hear are her cries and her heart breaking.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Sina
My thoughts are everywhere. At this point I’m not sure if this is real life or if I’m dreaming, but it doesn’t matter at all because every time I hear Micah’s heartbeat slow down another piece of mine dies along with him. If he dies today there’s a part of me that will never forgive my family for doing this to me. Did they not think that I didn’t have the right to know that my baby brother was dying? Did they think that it was okay to keep this type of shit away from me? Because if that’s how they feel then they’re wrong. I’m so angry right now that my heart feels like it’s slowly being ripped out of my chest. I can’t hear my thoughts. Everything is hurting and the worst part is that I feel so much anger toward my family. I hate myself for feeling this way, but it’s what I am feeling. I don’t care that there’s a crowd watching us, I don’t care that I didn’t acknowledge anyone and I honestly don’t give two shits that I didn’t tell anyone that I was pregnant.
See, the difference is that I am giving life to a little human being, when my brother is losing his. I don’t know what to do or how to make everything better so I hold on to him to keep him safe. I want, no I need, him to know how much I love him. He has to know that everything he’s done for me I’ll always be grateful for. I need him to know that he’s the one who kept all the bad shadows and nightmares away. I need him to know that every time he went to get Daddy because he thought he was my safe place, that it was actually him that made me feel safe. Daddy was the one who taught me how to love unconditionally but Micah is the one who kept me safe. I can’t stop my tears from falling, I can’t stop my heart from breaking, and I can’t stop my brother from dying.
“Do you remember that time when Dad tried teaching you how to swim?” he whispers.
I laugh through my tears and say, “Yeah, and I kept telling him that if he let me drown that I’d come back in the form of a shark and I was going to make sure I would chew his legs off.” Micah leans his head on mine and is struggling to laugh then I feel his tears.
“Do you remember what I said to you that day?” he asks. I pull him closer and hold on to him as if he’s my only life line, and I cry harder. I can’t look at him so I nod my head yes.
“Tell me,” he says.
I take a deep breath and say, “Wherever I am and whatever I am doing that you will always be there to hold my hand.”
He leans in closer and asks, “Why?”
As much as I don’t want to look at him, I know what he’s doing and I need to tell him that it’s okay. I need to let him go. Micah has tears running down his face with a smile that’s always made him standout.
I lean my forehead on his and say, “Because you said that you couldn’t let anything happen to your magic.” I was his magic.
He kisses my forehead one last time and says, “Share your magic with the world Sina and love hard.” He’s struggling to breathe. I hold his face in my hands and he says, “Thank you for coming home.” His eyes are starting to close and my soul shatters.
“Micah please don’t leave me yet” I cry.
“You and that beautiful little girl will be okay, I promise you” he says on a breath.
“Please, don’t leave me” I cry harder.
“I love you Sina” he whispers.
I close my eyes and I hold him close and say, “I will love you forever to the moon and back.” Everything is hurting. I lean toward him and kiss his forehead again. “It’s okay Micah, you can let go.”
I know he’s gone as his chest falls still as his last breath leaves him. That very moment half of me dies in my brother’s arms. I can’t feel anything, there is only coldness in my heart. I kiss him one last time, getting out of the bed to put my shoes back on and I leave without saying a word to anyone.
I was done.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Eli
The day Chrissy died, I thought I felt pain. I mean I was hurt, but after seeing how much love this family shared between each other I knew that I was missing out on life. I realized that the love I had for Chrissy was just lust. The love we had wasn’t the one I was supposed to have, but it doesn’t mean that I was okay with her death. Her death was what brought me to Sina. I spent years being pissed at someone that was dead and it made me who I am today. Because I was so afraid to be in a relationship I made sure that I was never committed to one. Didn’t matter who it was, I made sure that I would never love anyone. I spent all this time being bitter over Chrissy’s death that I was okay with hurting Sina in the process. I knew that it was time for me to let Chrissy and all my regrets go. It was time for me to grow the fuck up and make things right. I sat there and watched her break in her brother’s arms.
No one says anything, but everyone hears her pain and feels it alongside her. I hate myself because I had time with Micah and she only got minutes with him. I try not to listen to their conversation, but it’s hard not to hear them because it was so fucking quiet in here. Their goodbye fucking guts everyone, especially her brothers and sister. I’m pretty sure that they regret not telling her, but it’s too late now. Sina holds her brother for a few minutes more, then she climbs out of his bed and slides her pretty little feet into her shoes. When she turns around I feel my heart flip. Even with all the crying she's doing, she is still the most beautiful woman in the world. It breaks my heart to see the lack of emotions on her beautiful face. I know she’s shutting down and I can’t fucking do anything about it. She walks past everyone without saying anything. She doesn’t even stop to talk to her family and they knew not to stop her because you can see it on their faces. She walks past me and I feel my chest ache, because I know she doesn't want to be bothered by any of us. And it kills me.
Luka starts walking after her, but Miss Rita stops him, “No Son, let her go” she says.
He looks at her and says “Mama, she’s breaking down and I need to go after her.”
She looks at him with tears running down her cheeks and says, “Let her go for now Luka. We’ll talk to her when we get home.”
I look over and see the girls crying quietly, Daniel and Mama are quietly talking to each
other.
“Becca, do you need anything?” I ask as she sits alone staring at Micah’s body.
She looks at me with her face all wet and say’s “I’m so sorry Eli.”
I’m not sure what she was talking about so I move a little closer and say, “Why are you sorry Becca?”
She starts crying harder and says “I should’ve told you sooner.”
Then it dawns on me that she’s about to tell me about the baby. “Tell me what?” I ask.
She hides her face from me and says, “Micah’s the father of my son.”
The air is lost somewhere in my lungs.
“You’re having a boy?” I ask. She doesn’t look at me, but she nods her head yes and doesn’t let go of Micah’s hand.
I take a deep breath and ask “Are you sure Becca?”
Not because I was hoping to be the father, but I needed for her to be sure right now.
She looks at me and says, “Yes. Micah was the only person that I’ve been with like that and we didn’t use any protection. The times we fooled around since Micah, you’ve always been careful and safe.”
“When?” I ask.
She cries and says, “We bumped into each other a couple of months before Sina came back home the first time. We ended up going out for a few drinks because you kept telling me you weren’t in it for the long haul Eli. Micah made me feel special. We started fooling around a few times and then we had an argument over Sina coming back for their family reunion. We weren’t sure about whatever that was going on between us. He didn’t want to hurt Sina, so he did the right thing and chose her. We went back to being strangers again. I started spending more time with you than I did before. I really fell for him Eli, I think he’s the man I was supposed to be with.”
I take a deep breath and ask “So what now?”
She wipes her face on her sleeves and says, “I’m going to keep him.” I must’ve looked shocked because she says, “I don’t know when I fell in love with him, but I did. And this baby is the only piece of him we all have left.”
I can’t even be fucking mad at her, because she wasn’t mine and the baby isn’t either so I ask her “Are you sure Becca? Because five months ago you said you didn’t want the baby.”
She starts crying again and says, “That was before Micah taught me about life. We already picked a name for our son, and we found a place for us.”
I shake my head and chuckle, “Leave it up to a Peterson to change your mind.”
She laughs quietly and says “Eli, I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. I just didn’t want you to hate me anymore.”
I lean in and kiss her on the head, pulling her in for a hug and say, “I never hated you Becca. But I’m happy for you. I’m sorry for your loss.”
She hugs me and says, “Thank you for everything Eli, you’ll make a great father one day.”
And I feel another pinch in my chest. I forgot that we aren’t alone so when I turn I expect everyone to be pissed off at the news. But instead, I find the opposite. I look back at Becca and ask, “Do they know?”
She gives me a sad smile and says “Yes, we told them before you guys got here this morning.”
I look at Mona and ask “You knew?”
She rolls her eyes and says, “Like Megan and Leila weren’t going to tell me.”
I look at Reese and he looks just as surprised as I am. “So everyone’s okay with this?” I ask. Miss Rita, Luka, Daniel and Megan look at me and they all nod in agreement. I look at Megan and ask her again, “Really?”
She gives me a sad smile and says “It’s what Micah would have wanted, and the baby is a part of us.”
I smile at her then I pull her in for a hug. “I’m proud of you.”
She starts crying and says “Why does it feel like we lost Sina the same time Micah passed?” I don’t know what to say so I just hold her as she cries. I don’t say anything because that’s how I feel. Empty.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Sina
I walk out of Micah’s room and all I feel is heaviness in my chest. When Daddy passed away my whole world felt like there was a hole in it with no air left in my lungs. A piece of me broke when Daddy died, but to lose Micah was like losing Daddy all over again. I’m not sure if I’m going into shock or if I’m just confused, but all I feel is lost and hurt. I’m more hurt that my own family didn’t think I was strong enough to handle anything. I’m hurt that of all things they kept from me they chose to keep my brother’s illness a secret. And it kills me that they didn’t trust me enough to tell me. I have never felt more alone before today. I’m so angry and hurt that I don’t even realize that I’ve walked out the building without Emma and Marino until I hear him calling my name.
“Babe” Marino says. I break down. Marino wraps his arms around my waist and he pulls me in. “Shh. I’m so sorry Sina. I’m so sorry” he whispers. And all I can do is hold on to him because he’s the last thread that’s holding me together right now. “I’m not going to tell you how to feel Babe, but you’re going to have to tell me what you want me to do,” he says.
“It hurts so fucking bad” I cry. He doesn’t let go of me but he’s holding me like he’s trying to keep everything bad away from me. I don’t let go of him because I feel safe with his arms around me. “Why didn’t they tell me Rino?” I whisper, trying to catch my breath. “How could they do this to me? I’m so angry at them” I snap. “I hate the way I’m feeling right now.”
“What are you feeling?” he asks.
I take a deep breath and say “ Hate. I’m feeling so much, and I don’t want to feel this way.”
He kisses my temple and whispers “You don’t hate them babe. I know right now that’s how you feel, but you have to talk to them.” I know he’s right, but right now I’m allowed to be angry at them. “I’m sure they had reasons why they didn’t tell you Sina. I don’t know what those reasons are, but the only way you’ll find out is if you talk to them” he says. He gently grabs my chin and lifts my head so he can see my face. I try hiding my face because I know I look a mess, but he uses both of his hands to hold my face. “Don’t hide from me Sina. You’ll always be beautiful to me, even on the days when your heart is hurting” he says.
I can’t stop my heart from aching for him. We both know he’s in love with me because he wears his heart on his sleeve. But he knows that I would never give him pieces of myself. If anyone deserves to be loved in return is this man who’s been my rock these past few months and I know I have to let him go. I have no right to his heart when I know that someone else deserves him so much more than I do.
Marino looks at me and he knows it’s time for us to fully let go of each other. We need to find our way back to being just friends. Because I’m not going to let this be the reason why I lose him. I love him because he’s my friend and I need him in my life. He leans in and kisses me the way he’s always wanted to, then he leans his forehead on mine and I see heartbreak on his face. “Take the car. My sister’s here to pick me up, and I already grabbed my bags” he says. “If you need anything, you can call me whenever, it doesn’t matter what time it is, you call me.”
“I love you Rino” I whisper.
“I know Babe” he says.
I kiss him one last time before he gets into his sister’s car and never looks back. I’m not sure how much more my heart can take. I don’t know what to do so I sit down on the bench and I cry. I cry for my brother, I cry for Marino and I cry for my family.
I don’t know how long I sit there crying, but I rouse myself when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I don’t know who it is and I don’t really care either.
“Sina.” I close my eyes, recognizing the voice and praying that I don’t say anything hateful. “I’m so sorry Sina.” I take a deep breath and more tears run down my face. I feel her sitting down next to me as she wraps her arms around me and we both sit there crying about everything that’s happened in our past and for what is happening now.
Becca pulls me in closer an
d she completely loses it. “Sina, I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but I want you to know that I am so, so sorry for hurting you” she cries. “I didn’t deserve you as my best friend back then and I don’t deserve your friendship now, but I need you to know that I understand now why everyone chose to keep you in their lives. And I regret with my soul what I did to you.”
I take a lungful of air and say, “I forgive you Becca.”
She starts having a hard time breathing, air forcing it way in and out of her lungs too quickly and I coach her into breathing normally. I know Becca played a part of me leaving but I also can’t blame her for how my life is now. Sometimes in life we have to let go of the things that don't matter anymore. And sometimes we have to put our pain aside to understand why others are hurting. Forgiving Becca is for myself. I need to move on and letting go of my past with Becca is a step toward healing myself.
She nods her head through her tears and says “Okay”
“Shh. Becca, we’ll be okay. I promise” I cry with her.
“I’m having Micah’s baby” she cries.
What? I’m not sure if I heard her wrong so I ask, “You’re what?”
She wipes her face with her sleeve and says “The baby isn’t Eli’s. Micah and I are having a boy.” I don’t know what happened after she told me who’s baby it was, because the next thing I wake up to are a pair of blue eyes staring at me. Shit!
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Eli
We hear someone walk into the room so I figure it’s the nurses coming to help Miss Rita, Megan, Mona, and the guys with Micah. Reese, Lei, and I are helping Mama and Becca pack the rest of his things.