by Pua Ramona
The look on her face is gut wrenching. Do I feel bad that I didn’t keep my promise from hurting her again? Absolutely! Do I regret falling in love with her? Not at all. Am I sorry that I know in my heart that I just hurt her again? I don’t give a fuck because I am done with her. She opens the door and I see that it’s started raining outside, but it doesn’t deter her and she leaves without saying a word. I expect her to slam the door behind her, but she doesn’t. The door closes softly and I feel sick to my stomach.
But I don’t give a shit because like I said, I am fucking done.
Chapter Forty
Sina
It's raining hard outside but I didn’t want to be in his house anymore. So, I walked out and didn’t stop. I didn’t have anything on me, and I wasn’t going to ask him for any help. It wasn’t a far walk from his place to Mama’s so I just kept walking. I’m not sure how long I’ve been walking for but it’s starting to get a little cold. My feet are swelling up and I’m hungry. I pray that I’m not going to get sick because I don’t have time for that. I feel my son kick, and I stop walking because I need to catch my breath. I stand there with both hands on my belly and feel baby Elijah move again. I have so much going on in my head that I can’t stop myself from crying. Everything starts to crash down around me and I feel overwhelmed and heavy with emotion. I was about to tell Eli that I was carrying his son, but then his whole face changed and I don’t know what made him so angry. One minute he’s inside of me and the next minute he’s telling me that he hates me and throwing me out of his house.
My chest feels tight and all I want to do right now is be in bed and cry myself to sleep. When I found out that I was pregnant the first thing I wanted to do was call him and tell him that I was carrying his baby, but I didn’t want to add anymore on top of his plate. He had every right to know. There’s no excuse, but because I thought Becca was pregnant with his baby, and I didn’t want to be the reason why they couldn’t be a family. It still didn’t make it right that I didn’t tell Eli.
I’m still shocked that Becca is carrying my brother’s baby and not Eli’s, but that’s for another day. I didn’t keep it from him because I hated him, I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. Am I sorry that I didn’t tell him? Of course I am. Would I change anything if I had the chance? Absolutely not! Did he hurt me with his words? His words broke the parts of my spirit that I had left.
It feels like I’ve been walking for hours. My feet are killing me and I’m exhausted. A little piece of me hoped that Eli would come after me but he doesn’t. I need to stop and rest, but I can’t because I need to get home. I don’t want anyone, especially Emma to worry about me. I’m walking along thinking about the clusterfuck that is my life right now when I feel a sharp pain rip across my stomach. I stop and try catching my breath, but the pain is so bad that I can’t think straight. I cradle my belly in my arms as another pain tears through me. I bent to sit down on the side of the road and noticed the blood running down my legs.
“No, no, no” I cry. The pain gets stronger and all I can do is try to breathe through each wave as it crashes over me. “Please baby don’t leave me” I cry trying to force my body to obey my wishes and for the pain to ease off. “God, if you can hear me now, please don’t take my son away from me. If this is my punishment do as you will, but I am begging you to please give me a chance to love my son.” I sob, praying that someone will hear me. “Micah. Daddy. Please I’m not ready to let my baby go. If it’s his time, then I lay my life in your hands. Don’t let my baby die alone, please God.”
I know it’s selfish of me to feel this way because I have Emma, but I’m too tired to deal with life. I curl up in a fetal position and slowly rock my body side to side, sending soothing thoughts to my baby boy. It’s okay Little One, Mama’s here and I’ve got you.
A car pulls over and I never thought I would be so grateful for hearing his voice.
“Sina. What the fuck happened? You’re bleeding.”
I can’t get myself to move, but I reach for his hand and say “Michael, the baby. I need to go to the hospital, please.”
He doesn’t question me about anything. All I remember is him carrying me to his car and the last thing I hear is “You’re going to be okay Sina. Just hold on a little bit longer.”
Then nothing.
Everything goes dark.
Chapter Forty-One
Eli
It’s been two hours since I kicked her out of my house, and it’s finally fucking hitting me hard in the chest. I grab myself a beer out of the fridge and head back to the living room and log on to my computer. I figure I’ll get some work done since my ass isn’t doing shit except for feeling sorry for myself. Not even five minutes passes and my phone starts going off. I see Becca calling, so I ignore it, but she doesn’t stop. After the fifth time it rings in as many minutes, I give up and answer it. “Not right fucking now Becca” I snarl.
She cuts me off and says “No! Right the fuck now you piece of shit” What the fuck? “I don’t know what the fuck happened after you took Sina with you, but you better bring your sorry ass to the damn hospital right the fuck now” she yells down the phone.
I hear the word hospital and all the air leaves my lungs in a rush. I close my eyes and ask, “What happened?”
“You tell me. All I was told was Michael found her on the side of the fucking road in the rain fucking bleeding out.” she screams. “You better fucking pray that nothing fucking happens to her or the baby.” I don’t say anything because I’m already halfway out the door. What the fuck did I do? I don’t care if I’m going past the speed limit, all I know was that I need to be where she is. I need to tell her how sorry I am, and that I didn’t mean everything that I said to her. I need her to know that I’m still so fucking in love with her, and that my jealousy had gotten the best of me in the heat of the moment. I know that’s a shitty excuse, but I need to be with her.
It takes me fifteen minutes to get to the hospital. I don’t care if they tow my truck or give me a ticket, I park right outside of the emergency drop off and abandon my truck and run inside to find her.
“Excuse me, Sir, you can’t park there. You’ll need to move it or we’ll be forced to'' one of the security guards says. I don’t give a shit at this point what they do with my truck. I just need to see her and make sure that she knows that I am madly in love with her. I don’t give a shit if she and Marino are having a baby, it doesn’t change the way I feel about her. I’ll love the baby as if it were mine. I need her to be in my life and I’ll do everything I can to make sure she knows how fucking sorry I am. I don’t deserve her, but I’m a selfish motherfucker and I want to be the one to love her the right way. I want to be the one who fills her belly with more fucking babies. I want to be the only one she sees; I want to be the one she trusts with her life. I want to be the one that completes her life. I want her to choose me to pray with her, I want her to be the foundation that we can build on. I need her to want these things with no one else, just me. I need her to be mine forever. I just hope that she doesn’t hate me after the way I treated her, although she has every right to and I wouldn't blame her for it.
I know where the waiting room is so I turn left and run down the hall. The closer I get the more nervous I feel. The first person I see when I make it to the waiting area is Megan. I feel the hole in my heart get bigger and I can’t get myself to breathe. I feel eyes on me and I have never felt so fucking small in all my life. Luka and Daniel don’t give two shits that I’m here. They act like I don't exist. Reese, Leila, Marino and Mona are sitting with Miss Rita and Mama. Becca is sitting between June-Bug and Michael. I can’t even hate the guy for being here, I don’t have the fucking right. I don’t have to ask him to know that he is still in love with Sina because his tears are proof of that. What almost knocks me on my ass is the blood that’s all over his shirt. My stomach drops and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I know I’ve fucked up when my own mother won’t look at me. Sina is her
e because of me and I have no one to blame but myself. My resolve shatters when I see Emma quietly crying next to Megan. I did this to this family. Not only did they just lose Micah today but now their sister is here fighting for hers and her unborn child’s life, because of me.
I don't know how long we’ve been waiting, but it feels like it’s been days. No one says anything and the room is pretty much silent as we wait to see if anyone is going to come out and update us. At least let her family know how she’s doing. I’m too busy wallowing in my own self pity so I don’t see one of the nurses walk into the room until everyone shifts their focus towards the door. It’s so quiet that you can hear a fucking pin drop as everyone looks at the nurse expectantly I do not envy her task, the tension is so thick that just being in the room is fucking awkward. But I’m not going to leave until I know Sina and her baby are going to be okay. I definitely don’t plan on leaving until I’ve seen her and held her in my arms. “Are you the family of Masina Peterson?” she asks.
Everyone stands as one and moves closer to where she is standing. Miss Rita takes a few steps further forward and says “I’m her mother. Could you please tell me how my baby’s doing?” My throat starts closing up and I make sure to hold myself together because this family doesn’t need me to lose my shit now. This is about Sina and the baby, not me.
“Hi Mrs. Peterson. I’m Annie, one of the nurses who’s helping with your daughter” she says. She smiles at Miss Rita and I know it’s fucking bad. I’m sure everyone knows, but needs the nurse to confirm it. “Sina’s lost a lot of blood and the doctors are trying to stop the bleeding. I’ll be back with more information for you, I just wanted to make sure that you didn’t think we’d forgotten about you'' Before the nurse leaves the room she smiles sadly and says “I’m sorry for your loss Mrs. Peterson. Micah was an amazing guy. My heart goes out to you and your family.” Annie walks out of the room and all that can be heard are the cries from each corner of the room.
“I don’t want Mommy to die Auntie Megan” Emma cries. Megan wraps her arms around her and carries her away from everyone. Lei, Mona, Becca and June-Bug are quietly crying next to where Luka and Daniel are standing. The guys don’t show any emotions, but I know they’re pissed off. Mama grabs Miss Rita’s hand and pulls her in for a hug. I look over to see what Michael is doing, but he isn’t sitting in his spot anymore. The next thing I know there’s a fist in my fucking face.
“You fucking made her walk in the rain? You piece of shit asshole.” Before I can defend myself I feel another blow on the other side of my face. Blood pools on my lip and I know it’s busted. “You out of all people don’t fucking deserve someone like her. You don’t even respect her, you motherfucker.” Another blow lands on my jaw. I throw my first punch and it hits the fucking asshole in his mouth. I swing again and clock his fucking nose. Blood gushes from it, covering his shirt, but I didn’t give a fuck. I throw my hands once more and connect two punches simultaneously. Before I can follow through with another, someone drags me away while Daniel holds Michael back by his hood. I fucking hate this motherfucker. All I want to do is beat his ass until he’s in a fucking coma. Everything he said was the fucking truth, and it pisses me off because he’s the first one to call me out on my bullshit. And I hate him for it.
“Stop man”Luka says. I push him off and if looks could kill my ass would be fucking dead already. “I’m trying my hardest not to put my fist through your fucking chest right now E, but you’re fucking asking for it” he snaps.
Before I can say anything else Marino walks over to us and stops right in front of me. He glares at me and says “You don’t fucking deserve to have her in your life, and you sure as hell don’t fucking deserve that little boy she’s carrying.”
I choke on air and stutter, “What?”
Marino leans in and gives me the most hateful look as he snarls “Yeah you heard me. She’s carrying your son, you selfish piece of shit.”
I know that everyone is as shocked as I am when the room falls silent. Marino pushes Daniel out of the way and walks out of the waiting area. I can’t even look anyone in the eye at this point. I can’t breathe. A part of me fucking hates myself because it’s my fault that the family I prayed for are now fighting for their lives.
Chapter Forty-Two
Sina
I hear voices, but there’s nothing I can do. I try to move, but I can’t. “She’s losing too much blood.” I try to scream, but it falls on deaf ears. The darkness pulls me back under and I feel nothing but coldness. The voices are fading away and no one can hear my cries. Am I dying? I’m not sure anymore because I can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what isn’t. I embrace the darkness that surrounds me and sink myself into it.
I try opening my eyes, but the lights are so bright that I have to close them again. I don’t know where I am and I don't remember what happened. I can’t understand the emptiness that I feel. I feel hollow, like I’m not all of me anymore.
“Sina?” I hear a gentle voice say. I slowly opened my eyes again and don’t recognize the woman that’s standing over me. “Sina, do you know where you are?” she asks. I try to answer her but my throat is dry and I start coughing. She reaches for the cup on the side table and pours water into it from a little plastic jug. “Here you go doll-face” she says with a small smile. She helps me with the straw and I swear that this is probably the best cup of ice water I’ve ever had. She puts the cup back on the table then turns back to look at me. “My name’s Annie. I’ll be spending most of my time with you Sina. I’m your nurse” she says.
“What?” I squeak at her.
She gives me a confused look and asks, “Do you remember anything?”
I try sitting up, but I’m too freaking weak. She gently grabs my hand. “Relax doll. Let me page your doctor, he’ll be able to tell you everything” she says.
Before she leaves the room I manage to croak out, “Where am I Annie?”
She smiles a sad smile and says, “You’re in the hospital doll.” I start having a panic attack, my lungs both won't fill and fill too much all at the same time. “Shh. Doll-face you have to breathe” she says calmly, but I can’t get my brain to cooperate with my body and all I can do is drag in lungful after lungful of dry thick air that chokes me as much as it helps me. My heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest. Everything starts to blur and my vision begins to swim. I don’t know what happens next but all I hear before my eyes get too heavy to lift is someone saying “She doesn’t know she lost her son.”
When I wake the light in my room is dim and I feel someone holding my hand. I look to see who it is and see Marino with his head resting on the bed, bent over like he’s deep in prayer. He must’ve felt me moving because he sits up and tears start streaming down his face. He looks devastated and I know then that I’ve lost my son. He doesn’t say anything as he stands up from his seat and perches on the edge of my bed. He reaches for my hand and says “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there Sina.” My heart aches because he’s done nothing except help out with Emma and take care of me. It wasn’t his job to babysit me, and it definitely wasn’t his fault this happened. I wrap my arms around him and cling to him as my tears fall alongside his.
“Rino. It’s not your fault, do you hear me?” I say between sobs. He doesn’t say anything at first so I sit back a little and hold his face. “Look at me. What happened to me wasn’t and isn’t your fault, do you understand me?”
He looks at me and says “I know he wasn’t mine, but why does it hurt so much?” My heart aches for this sweet, caring man.
I grab both of his hands and hold them in mine. “Because you were there the first time we heard his heartbeat, you were there for every appointment, you were there when he first kicked. Because when you fell in love with him the same way I did, and I will love you for that Rino. Even though he wasn’t yours biologically you loved him as if he were your own. And I will pray every day until you’re blessed with a wonderful woman who will make you her ev
erything and who will have all your little babies. Because you deserve that” I cry.
He leans his forehead on mine and says “You have to be okay Sina. Just please don’t check out on me when things start getting hard for you. You’re one of the most important people in my life. If you can’t breathe I’ll breathe for the both of us.”
I cry harder. As much as I wanted Marino to be the one for me, my heart knows that he isn’t mine. “Thank you, Rino” I whisper. I’m too tired to move, so I let Marino hold me a little longer because deep down I know there’s no coming back from this for us. I don’t want to feel alive anymore, so all I can do is exist.
I must’ve fallen asleep because I feel Marino nudging me to wake up. “Sina, you have to wake up. I know you’re tired, but everyone’s waiting to see you, especially your mother” he says.
I sit up and ask, “Do they know what happened?”
He looks at me and says “Your doctor wasn’t sure if you wanted them to know yet, so he wanted to wait until he spoke with you.” I feel my eyes burning, but I make sure to push my tears away. Marino clears his throat and says “Eli’s here too.” I look at him and start shaking my head no. He gently grabs my shoulders and says “Breathe Sina, breathe.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Why is he here?”
He gives me a sad smile and says “Because he’s in love with you Sina.”
“He’s not in love with me” I cry. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. How can he be in love with me when all he does is push me away? How can he be in love with me when he always chooses his anger over me?
He grabs my chin and lifts my head so he can see me. “He’s in love with you Babe. I know because he’s hurting the exact same way I am.” He wipes my tears with his fingers and says “He knows about Baby Elijah too.”