by Pua Ramona
I feel the air in my lungs leave my whole body and ask “How?”
He looks at me and says “You have to stop running sometime babe, and you need to start by telling him everything. I’m not saying you owe him an explanation, but he was Baby Elijah’s father. I’m going to get the doctor and send Eli in here. I know he fucked up Sina, but he has to be in here too. We both know it’s the right thing to do.” Before he leaves my room he kisses me on the forehead and says “I’ll be outside, okay?”
“Thank you, Rino.” He kisses the top of my head then leaves. My whole heart has been numb since he walked in. I don’t care if he’s hurting. I don’t owe Eli shit and I sure as hell am not going to fucking put up with his shit anymore. I just lost my brother and my son on the same day and I am fucking done. I am enough for my baby girl, but I am done giving my all to the rest of them. Especially when they left me in the dark about Micah. I sit here and welcome the coldness that courses through me and I embrace the hate as it wraps around my heart.
Chapter Forty-Three
Eli
I didn’t know what the fuck was going on and no one was giving us anymore updates. I got tired of fucking waiting so I spoke to nurse Annie and told her that I was the father of Sina’s baby. I expected her to question me, but instead she walked me to her room. Before she showed me which room was hers she stopped me and said “I want you to know that you aren’t the only one who has claimed to be the father. I agreed to let you through because I saw you and the gentleman who’s in there throwing tantrums in the waiting room.”
I feel my chest get heavy and I’m ready to rip Marino’s head off of his fucking shoulders. I take a deep breath and ask “How long has he been in there with her?”
She looks at her watch and says “About two hours.” Annie must see my fists clenching because she leans in and says “If you’re going to be a problem then you can just go wait in the waiting area.” Pissed off isn’t what I’m fucking feeling. Rage. Yeah that’s it. I’m ready to blow the fuck up, but I know I can’t lose my shit anymore. It’s why she ended up here. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Are you going to be an adult or an asshole?” she asks with her brow arched and a hand on her hip.
I really want to tell this lady to fuck off, but I can’t because I need to be in that room with her. “I’ll behave” I grind out between clenched teeth.
“She’s been through enough for today. Let’s try and make this process a little easier for her'' she says. There’s an ache in my heart because everything is happening to this family all at once and it makes me feel like shit. She walks past a couple of doors and says “You can wait until he’s done then when he leaves, you can go inside.” I don’t know what to say so I just nod my head and she walks back to the nurse’s office.
I take a few steps to her door and I can’t believe how much fucking pain I feel in my heart. Even when she’s sleeping you can see that she’s hurting. She has her arm wrapped around him and he holds her like he’s keeping her safe. I fucking hate him. But I’m the one who pushed her into another man’s arms. I know he’s in love with her because he’s crying as she sleeps, and I don’t blame him for falling for her. I hate that he’s holding her when it should be me. I hate that they have a strong bond and that she doesn’t have that with me. I hate that she trusts him more than she does me. I hate that I wasn’t sure if she was in love with him too.
I wait for about forty-five minutes until he wakes her up. Watching them be the way they are in bed together pisses me off. I hate that when she woke up with the most beautiful sad smile that it was for him. I feel my chest getting tight again, so I take another deep breath. I can’t hear their conversation but I can tell it’s intense because she starts crying and doesn’t stop. I hate him for knowing how to calm her down, and I fucking hate him because she looks at him as if he’s the only man alive. He looks over his shoulder and sees me standing here. I know he hates me but I don’t give a fuck. I don’t know what he says to her, but before he walks out he kisses her on her forehead and I’m ready to fucking kill him. I hate that he’s touching her. He walks out and stops right in front of me. “She doesn’t owe you shit. You hurt her again, I swear to God I will kill you my damn self” he snarls. I fucking hate this guy, but I respect him for protecting her. I look into the room and all I can see is hate in her eyes as she stares at the spot marino vacated on the edge of her bed. I’d be a fucking liar if I said that it doesn’t kill me, because it does. For the first time, I’m scared. I’m afraid that I’m losing her. Or maybe I already did.
I know she doesn’t want me in here. I don’t blame her either. I grab the chair and move it right next to her bed, close enough that I can feel she was shutting down on me. I want to be mad at her for keeping her pregnancy from me, but I can’t because she isn’t the type to keep something out of spite. It hurts my heart, but I know she has her reasons. And if I’m right, I’m almost positive that she kept it a secret because she probably thought she’d be a burden to me and it makes me sad that she’s been going through this alone. Well, it upsets me more that Marino’s been taking care of her and I hate him because he knew more than I did all along. I want her to look at me the way she used to before everything started falling apart. I want her to see only me. I want her to look at me the way I’ve always looked at her, and that alone kills me.
She turns so she can face the window and I feel my chest hurt because she doesn’t want to look at me. I don’t say anything because I know she’s hurting. Her shoulders start shaking and I can’t help but feel her sadness in the air. I want to wrap her in my arms, but I know it’s not the right time. She doesn’t move, she just cries.
I’m getting impatient. I just want to know that she’s okay and that the baby is okay. I want to know that my baby is okay. My baby. I’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes and no doctor has been to see us yet. “Why are you here?” She wounds me with her words. I treated her like she was a piece of shit then kicked her out and I will never forgive myself for treating her that way. Before I can answer her the doctor walks in with Annie following behind him.
She notices Sina is crying and she looks at me with a sigh. “Hey Doll-face. Do you want me to sit you up?” she asks gently. Sina grabs her blanket and wipes her face with it and my heart aches some more seeing her trying to be strong. Annie helps her then presses a button on the side of the bed and moves it up enough for Sina to see the doctor. I try not to look but I need to see her.
“I’m Doctor Powell'' he introduces himself.
He has his hand out so I reach for it and say “I’m Eli.”
“And you are?” he asks.
I clear my throat and say, “The baby’s father.”
He gives me a head nod and says, “I’m glad you made it because Sina’s going to need your support.” He doesn’t have to say the words for me to understand what he means. He looks over at Sina and then back to me. “I’m sorry, we did everything we could to stop the miscarriage but we weren’t able to save the pregnancy.” he says.
“What caused it? Was it stress?” I ask with my heart in my throat.
The doctor takes a couple steps closer and says “No. It wasn’t stress.” I thought hearing that it wasn’t stress related might help , but it doesn't.
“How far along was she?” I ask, choking my words.
“She was in her second trimester, so five and a half months.” My heart aches.
“How is that possible? I thought women only miscarried in the early stage of pregnancy.”
Doctor Powell gives us both a sad look and says, “In medical terms it’s called an incompetent cervix. It’s not a common condition. What happens is when the baby grows it gets heavier and it presses on the cervix. The pressure causes the cervix to start opening before the baby is ready to be born. Your cervix was too weak. I went over your medical history, and it says that you had surgery on your cervix which could be why your cervix couldn’t carry your son full term.” I want to know if she would be able t
o have any more babies in the future, but I know that now is not the right time. “If you choose to have a baby in the future you can. You’ll just be classed as being at high risk, but with the right guidance it is possible for you to carry full term.” He looks at Sina and says “You didn’t do anything wrong, you did everything right for your son. Don’t let this be a reason to blame yourself.”
She has tears running down her face and all I want to do is take the pain away from her. I hate that this is fucking happening to her and to us.
Doctor Powell turns to me and says “It wasn’t your fault either. But every mother deals with this kind of situation differently. So, you make sure you don’t let her fall, Eli. If you care for her the way that I think you do, then understand when she starts pushing you away. It’s not because she’s mad at you, it’s because she will probably feel like she’s not worth it.” He looks over at Sina one last time then says quietly “She’s a good girl and she’s going through a lot right now, be good to her. By the way, I knew you were the father when you said your name.”
I’m not sure how he knew and I’m curious so I ask, “How?”
He holds my shoulder and says “Because she named your son after you and her brother. Elijah Micah Hunter.” Before walking out of the room and leaving me standing there with my jaw on the floor..
I’m not sure if I heard him right so I look at Annie and ask her, “What was my son’s name?”
She gives me a kind smile and says “Your little boy’s name is Elijah Micah Hunter. But Doll-face here calls him E.J.'' My heart explodes and soars at the same time. She looks over her shoulder then looks at me and says “Go be with her Eli.”
“I don’t know what to say?” I tell her looking at my feet.
Annie smiles at me and says “Sometimes not saying anything is enough.” Then she walks out of the room. I’m afraid to look over to Sina because I don’t want her to tell me to leave.
“Get out,” she says quietly. I do the exact opposite and move closer to the bed. “Get out now!” she screams as another piece of me breaks. But I don’t stop. I move everything that’s in my fucking way because I need her.
“I hate you!” she sobs. But I don’t stop. I move the bed rail out of the way and she tries pushing me away . I know she’s hurting. “I fucking hate you!” she snarls at me and another piece my heart breaks. I wrap my arms around her and she fights to get away.
“I hate you!” she starts punching my chest. “I hate you. I hate you for making me feel this way.” She continues to beat on my chest. “I hate that I’m in love with you. I hate that I can’t move on. I hate that you hate me”, she cries. “Why do you hate me?” I know she’s getting tired because instead of her hits, she’s holding on to my shirt with her forehead on my chest.
“I feel like my heart is dying” she wails and another I hurt with her. “I didn’t get to hold our son. I didn’t get to give him my kisses. I didn’t get to tell our son that I love him.” Watching her break for our son, I fall even more in love with her. After all the bullshit I put her through, and the way I fucking disrespected her she still loves me. I know I don’t deserve it, but I count her loving me as one of my greatest blessings and I’m not going to take it for granted anymore.
“I’m sorry Eli. I’m sorry for not telling you about baby EJ.” I feel my eyes burn. “I thought I was doing the right thing” I hate that she’s crying, but I don’t stop her. Mama used to tell me that sometimes crying is the only thing you can do and it’s good for the soul. As much as it kills me to see her cry, I know she needs to feel her pain in order for her to heal. “I’m so, so, sorry” she cries again. I move her a little so I can grab something for her face. I walk around and grab a washcloth from one of the cabinets then run warm water over it. I put the wash cloth on top of one of the clean towels that are on the table by her bed. I move her over a little and then toe my shoes off before I get onto the bed with her. I’m afraid that she’s going to tell me to leave, but I take my chances anyway. I wrap my arms around her waist and move her on to my lap. She’s still crying and my heart aches for her. I gently grab her chin and move her face enough so I can see her. I take the wash cloth and start cleaning her face. Her eyes are red and swollen, her whole face is a mess but she’s still my Sina. I do the best I can and toss the washcloth in the laundry bin. I lean in and kiss away every fresh tear on her cheeks as they fall.
I lean my forehead on hers. “I’m sorry Sina” I whisper, “I’m sorry about Micah, I’m sorry for hurting you. And I’m so sorry about the baby.”
“Say his name” she cries. I try to clear my throat but it doesn’t help any. I feel like I’m choking on air. “Say his name.”
I can’t hold the words in anymore, so I let them go. “Elijah Micah Hunter” I whisper, “I’m sorry that you didn’t get to hold our son, I’m sorry he didn’t get any of your kisses. But I won’t say sorry that you didn’t get to tell him you loved him” I cry. She tries pulling away but I hold her face in my hands and say “Because you loved him the first day you found out you were pregnant. Am I right?” She doesn’t answer me but she nods yes. “You loved him this whole time Sina, and I know that little boy felt it every time he heard your voice. He knew the sound of your heartbeat.” I pull her face closer and say “Don’t ever doubt your love Sina, because your love is enough to heal everything that’s broken.” I kiss her forehead. “Thank you for loving our son.” Then I move her back to her side because she needs her rest.
I lay the bed back down so she can be more comfortable and I pull her into me so she can lay her head on my chest. She winds her arm around me and cries. I kiss the top of her head and say “I know things aren’t okay with us Sina, but I will do everything to make us better. I don’t expect anything from you, I just need you to live and not just exist in this world. Whatever you can’t carry, let me carry it for you, that’s all I ask.” She doesn’t say anything and that’s okay, because it’s my turn to do right by her. Even though our son didn’t get to take his first breath, she will forever be the mother of my child. And I need to get my shit together by giving her the respect she deserves. It’s time for me to seriously grow the fuck up and take care of her. Emma too if she’ll let me. I move to grab the blanket but see someone moving by the door. I expect to feel anger when I see him standing there, but I can’t get myself to feel any ill feelings toward him. We are both in love with the same woman. I know he’s hurting because I see it in his eyes and in the way he rubs at his chest. I don’t hate him anymore, if anything I’m fucking grateful that he kept my family safe when I couldn’t. I give him a head nod, and he gives one right back. We don’t need words. We have to respect each other because we love her.
“I love you Rino” she cries. He smiles but it’s a sad one.
“I love you too,” he says. I see tears in his eyes but he wipes them away before she notices. He takes a few steps backwards and looks at us one last time then he’s gone.
I take a deep breath and say “All the pieces of me that are left belong to you. If it’s the only way you can be whole again, then they all belong to you.” That night as she sleeps, I promise her brother and father that I’m going to do right by her. Then I asked them if they can watch over my son. That night the hole in my heart starts to heal.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been laying here holding her, but I know she's out of it because she’s snoring and has a little bit of drool on the side of her mouth. But it didn’t gross me out or anything, it just makes me smile. I climb out of the bed and stand there watching her sleep for a few minutes longer and can’t ignore the ache I feel. I reach for the blanket so I can cover her because she’s shivering and I move the strands of loose hair that are in her face behind her ear, running my fingers down her face. I lean down, kiss her lips and rest my forehead on hers with my eyes closed. “I love you” I whisper. I grab my phone and wallet before I walk out. I stop at the nurse’s station to speak to Annie.
“Hey Annie. Sina’s sleeping right no
w. I’m going to go talk to our families about the baby then I’ll be back.”
She smiles and says “I’ll let her know that you stepped out for a quick minute if she wakes up.”
I start walking but Annie stops me and says, “Hey Mr. Hunter.”I look over my shoulder at her and she walks around the counter so she can be closer to me and says, “Dr. Powell wanted me to let you know that Sina can leave tomorrow, but he wants you to keep a close eye on her.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
She looks at me and says “We’re not sure how she’ll be when she leaves here, so make sure to not leave her by herself. Don’t smother her, but make sure you don’t leave her alone long enough for the negative thoughts to start playing in her head. Every mother deals with their loss differently, and in Sina’s case she didn’t lose just your son, but she also lost her brother. And I’m sure you have people who will help her through this.” Before she walks away she adds, “Take good care of her.” I don’t respond back because she’s already walking away. I already planned on taking care of Sina after she leaves here tomorrow anyway.
I’m not comfortable with being the one to update everyone, but I have to do it. I walk past the guys and head straight to Miss Rita. I feel my heart beating hard so I take a deep breath before I say anything.
“How are they doing?” she asks.
I sit down next to her with my head down and say, “He didn’t make it.” She takes a deep breath of her own. She reaches for my hands then leans her forehead on them and she starts crying. Mona, Lei, June-Bug and Becca are on the other side of me crying. The guys don’t say anything but I can see the hurt written all over their faces.
“Will my baby brother be in the same heaven with Uncle Micah?” asks Emma. I feel my heart crack when I hear her little voice. Miss Rita moves her hands so I can talk to Emma. I stand up and walk closer to her. I move down so she doesn’t have to look up.