by Pua Ramona
It doesn’t take us long to get the kitchen cleaned, and for some reason it looked cleaner than when I usually do it myself. While she’s finishing up with wiping off the counters, I make myself useful by sweeping the floor. “Here, I’ll hold that for you.” She reaches for the dustpan but I stop her. We finish sweeping up as a little team. I walk to the sink to wash my hands and she passes me a beer.
“There you go,” she says. I take it from her as she picks up a cup of tea for herself. “Should I grab a jacket?” she asks.
“Let me grab you a blanket, or would you rather wear a jacket?” I ask.
“A blanket would be fine” she says. I fetch one from the hallway closet and walk back to where she’s waiting. I hand it to her then open the door so she can walk out first. “Oh my god! Eli, this is beautiful” she says looking around and taking in the scene. She sighs. My heart starts doing stupid funny shit. “I didn’t know that you had all of this back here.” She says.
I look at her and say “Well, now you do.”
She smiles and says “Do you mind if we move a couple of chairs by the water?”
“Here, you grab my beer and I’ll grab our chairs'' I say and she walks ahead of me and picks a spot under one of my favorite trees.
“Do you want to sit here, or should we be extra cool and sit on the dock?” she asks.
I start laughing. “If your ass falls in the water I’m not saving you.”
She flips me off and says, “The dock it is then.” I make sure our chairs aren’t too close, because the last thing I want her to think is that I’m trying to get into her pants.
I look back to the house and ask, “Is Emma going to be okay?” because I’m feeling nervous again and don’t know what to talk about next.
“Yeah, she’s out for the night plus I had checked on her before we came out here. She’ll be fine” she says. She hands me my beer then sits down on her chair. “It’s so peaceful out here,” she says quietly. “I’ve always wanted a house that had a lake in the backyard, with a dock,” she says. “All you’re missing in yours is a gazebo with little white lights all over. So when you turn them on at night it’ll look like you have baby stars and fireflies everywhere. Oh! And you also need a built in fire pit.” She closes her eyes and takes in the fresh air. “You know; this is probably the first time we’ve had an actual conversation without fighting, me crying or us having hate sex” she says with a light laugh.
I take a drink of my beer. “Can we start over again?” I ask.
She looks at me and smiles. “Hi, I’m Masiina Peterson,” she says.
I chuckle and reach for her hand. “Hi, I’m Elijah Hunter and I can be a dick sometimes.”
She laughs. “I heard, but I’ll be the judge of that.”
Before I let her hand go I say, “I’m sorry about Micah and Baby Eli, Sina.”
She takes a deep breath and says “Me too. I’m just glad that they have each other, and now they can be with Daddy.”
I give her hand a squeeze and say “And mine.”
She squeezes my hand and says “We’ll be okay. Everything’s going to be okay.” I let go of her and for some reason my gut is telling me that this is calm before the fucking storm.
Chapter Fifty
Sina
I don’t know how long we sat on the dock for but it didn’t matter because I needed this so bad. I was afraid that when everyone left that things were going to be weird between us, but it was the total opposite. Everything he’s done tonight was all for me and I couldn’t be angry with him anymore. He welcomed my family in his home and treated them as if they were his own family. To see how close and how at ease he was with them made my heart smile. I tried so hard to be angry with my family, but after Eli spoke to me in the room, I realized that he was right. I mean, we all had our reasons why we all kept my pregnancy and Micah’s cancer away from each other. And I know now that I would never keep anything important from them again. And I hoped they would do the same for me.
I need my family just as much as they need me right now, and shutting them out would cause too much drama and hurt. Plus, I’m sure if Daddy were here he would have called a family meeting and called us out on everything. We are all hurting and the only way we can heal is by holding each other up the same way Daddy would have wanted us to. I’m still hurting, but being with my family, Reese, Leila, Marino, Mama Hunter and Eli helps a lot with the pain. Having Emma here with me helps a lot as well. Losing the baby isn’t something we were prepared for, but I know my little girl is hurting too so I need to suck it up and be there for her. It hurts my heart that she has to deal with this at a young age, but I know she’s going to be okay. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but I know she is a strong little girl.
I drink the rest of my tea and set it to the side of my chair. I look over at Eli, and he’s lost in his own thoughts, so I don’t say anything. We sit there in silence for a few minutes more until he says, “Dance with me.”
It wasn’t a question, but it wasn’t a demand either.
“Dance here?” I ask.
“Why not? I won’t let you fall Sina, I promise.” I believe him. I don’t know what changed, but I know Eli is being honest. I shouldn’t be feeling any kind of way toward him, but I am still in love with him. I just don’t want him to know because there’s a lot that is broken between us. But I’m not going to say no to dancing with him. He reaches inside his pocket and pulls out his phone.
A song starts playing and I look at him. “What do you know about this song?” I ask laughing. He gets out of his chair and takes my hand. I leave the blanket on the chair and lean into him.
“Girl, just because I’m palagi it doesn’t mean that I don’t know good music” he says.
I start laughing.“I freaking love this song” I tell him as he grabs both of my hands and starts moving to the beat. He spins me then starts two stepping. We both start singing. “You don’t have to worry about a single thing. Just let me sing to you.” He lets go of my hands and starts doing his own thing. I laugh and start doing my own thing too, right along with him there on the dock. Every time the chorus comes on we literally sing so loud that his next door neighbor’s dog starts barking. We both laugh hard, but we don’t stop dancing. For a palagi boy he sure does have rhythm and it makes me love him that much more. Sing to You by John Splithoff comes to an end and just as I’m getting ready to sit down Eli wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me in to him. And I don’t freak out on him. I let him pull me in closer.
Stand by Me by Ben E King starts playing and everything that surrounds us disappears and all I see is him. He twines both arms around me and I wrap mine around his neck. My head automatically lays on his chest and I can hear his heart beating. He places one hand on my head then he holds me and all I feel is the love between us. Words aren’t needed. We both know where we stand, we just have so much to figure out and my heart loves him even harder for not pushing me, but instead allowing me to go at my own pace. I pray that my heart will trust him enough for me to love him the way I want to, even if it takes us a while to find our footing, I just need my heart to be whole so I can love him the way I want to. The song finishes and we still helstand still, holding onto each other.
“Are you ready to head in?” he asks and I look up at him and see his heart painted out across his features. I push up onto my tip toes and kiss him on the cheek.
“Thank you for this.” I say and I hug him tight before I collect the blanket and my empty cup before walking back to the house.
“Goodnight beautiful” he says. I look over my shoulder and he stands there with his hands in his pockets. I smile at him and walk inside the house. I go to sleep not too broken, but feeling a little uneasy at the same time. Have you ever had that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something bad is going to happen, but you just don’t know what? That's how I feel. I can’t keep my eyes open anymore so I fall asleep with worry in my heart.
I wake up the next morning to my phone buzz
ing non-stop. Emma isn’t in the bed. I grab my glasses that are sitting on the dresser and head to check the living room. I don’t expect to see my little girl cuddled in Eli’s arms asleep on the recliner. I’m feeling so many emotions that I can’t get my feet to move. I stand there and watch how comfortable they are with each other. I’m not sure when she woke up, but I’m sure it was probably because she was hungry. I check the time and see it’s only six in the morning.
It’s been a couple of days since we’ve been back. I don’t want to wake them so I tiptoe to the kitchen to make some coffee. I can feel my heart beating so fast. Seeing Eli holding Emma is doing something freaking crazy to my heart. If only. I can’t reach the fucking coffee mugs in this giants house, so I try climbing on top of the counter so I could snag one. I feel an arm wrap around my waist and it scares the shit out of me.
“What the hell Eli? You scared me you fucking shit head!” He lifts me in his arms and sits my ass back down on top of the counter.
“You could’ve hurt yourself. What were you even doing up there?” he says with a frown.
“I couldn’t reach the coffee mug so I thought I would climb for it.” I tell him, feeling like an idiot.
He reaches over me and my stupid perverted eyes can’t help themselves. I see a strip of abs as his shirt rises with the movement and I feel my face flush. Of course my eyes kept moving lower and I’m caught off guard when I see that he’s hard underneath his pajama bottoms. My ears are ringing and my face feels like it's on fire.
“Stop staring, Sina,” he says quietly.
I cover my eyes with both hands and try to play it off by saying “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I hear him put the mugs on the counter then his hands are on my hips. He steps right in between my legs and I feel myself getting turned on.
“I’m not going to do anything to you babe, I just want you to know that you do this to me.” He rubs himself on me gently and I moan lightly. He puts his hand over my mouth and says “Shh! I’m not going to fuck you Sina. And trust me, I want nothing more than to fuck you on this counter.” I can feel my freaking granny panties getting wetter. Gross. “But when you’re ready to have me inside of you, I won’t be fucking you.” He kisses my neck. “I’ll be making love to you instead,” he whispers. He sucks on my ear lobe then kisses my forehead. Fucking asshole. He lifts me off the counter and says “Are you hungry?” I can’t find my freaking words so I shake my head no. He smiles then pours me a cup of coffee. “How did you sleep?” he asks.
I take a sip of my coffee and say, “I must have slept well because I didn’t realize that Emma even left the bed.”
He takes a drink of his and says “I came to get me a drink of water early this morning and saw her on the couch crying.” I set my cup down so I could go to her, but he grabs my hand and pulls me to him. “She’s okay babe. I told her that I was going to come get you, but she asked me no to. She asked if I could sit with her and just talk about nothing.”
My eyes burn and he moves my hair out of the way and says, “She’s sad about her baby brother and her uncle, but she didn’t want you to worry. She said you didn’t deserve to cry anymore.” I felt my tears on my cheeks. “You’ve raised an amazing little girl Sina, she’s the smaller version of you and you should be proud of that.” He uses his fingers to wipe my tears. “It’s okay to let someone else do all the heavy lifting for you. It doesn’t make you weak babe, it makes you human.”
“Thank you for being here for Emma. I know she’s missed out on having her dad around, but I thought I was doing the right thing.” I say as I rest my face against his chest and hold him to me.
“Michael’s a good guy Sina” he says. I move so I can look at him. “He knows he fucked up a good thing with you and he regrets it” he says.
“And how do you know this?” I ask.
“Because he said so himself when we were in the waiting room. I don’t know what your relationship is with him, but I think you should give him a chance to be a dad to that beautiful little girl.” I know he’s right, but I hate that he is. “Stop rolling your damn eyes” he chuckles. “If you can forgive Becca then I’m sure you have a little bit more room in that big heart of yours to forgive him too.”
I look at him and say, “Says the guy that keeps messing up.”
He pinches my side and says “Low blow. I’m sure your parents warned you about guys who fuck up a lot.” I can’t get away from him and his tickles that feel like little pin needles.
“Is that supposed to be you tickling? Because if it is then I’m sorry to tell you but that’s hurting more.”
He laughs and says “That’s a manly tickle smartass.”
I laugh. “Okay, okay stop” I say and he makes an attempt to tickle me one last time before pulling on my messy bun.
“I love hearing you laugh, it’s a pretty sound” he says.
I blush, “Oh shut up!”
He smiles and says “If you want, I’m okay with you inviting Michael over to visit you and Emma.” Again, my heart falls for this guy hard. He pulls me in for another hug and says, “You deserve to have all that weight on your shoulders lifted. I know, it’s easier said than done but maybe it’s time for you to let go and allow yourself to breathe for you.”
That’s all it takes for me to realize that he was it for me. Yes, we have a lot of work and learning to do, but Eli calms me and every single crazy thought I have in my head. When he’s around me, breathing is easier. My heart still aches, but he fills the empty spaces where the broken pieces used to be. Yes, he’s set in his own demanding ways, but I know he means well. Even when he’s being a complete asshole and he makes me cry I know somewhere deep down he’s an amazing man. Now, I’m not saying that it’s okay for a man to hurt you and make you cry, because it’s not. But when your souls are connected and your hearts seem to find the same rhythm and you know without question that he’s the one, then he is the right one for you.
We all have our reason why we do, say, and feel the way we do because it’s somehow tied to our past. He has his and I have my own. I don’t want to fix him, heck no. I just want him to realize that I only want to love him with all of me. I want him to know that he completes my soul. I’m pretty sure that some people would say that it’s impossible to feel this way for someone who you hardly know. But there comes a time when you find the one person who could break you in pieces, but will love you unconditionally with all of his. When you can’t picture a life without that person, then without a doubt he or she was put on this earth not only to love you, but to make sure that whatever heavy load life’s giving you that they’re willing to carry it with you. Not ahead of you or behind you, but to carry it by your side. And that is how Eli makes me feel.
“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” he asks.
I smile at him and say, “Nothing.”
He leans in and kisses me on my lips before saying, “Whatever you’re feeling right now is exactly how I’m feeling.”
The butterflies in my belly go crazy. I kiss him back and say “No labels, just us.”
“Just us” he whispers. I hug him again and then step away because Emma is going to wake up soon and I don’t want to confuse her anymore with any of this. “I’m going to go shower then we can head over to your parents if you want” he says
“I’m going to give Mama a call and see if she needs us there today.”
“Alright. Well, let me know what she says” he says, then he walks out of the kitchen. I sigh. All the walls I tried building around my heart are pointless because I freaking love him. Sometimes you just can’t help who your heart falls in love with. I go to check on Emma and she’s still sleeping. I kiss her on her forehead and go to grab my phone from the guest room. I have four text messages and three missed calls. I call Mama back to see if she needs anything.
“Hey sweetie! How are you feeling?”
“Hi Mama, I’m okay. But I miss them.” I can hear her crying through the phone.
“I miss them too, sweet girl.”
“We’re going to get dressed then we’ll be heading over to you.” I tell her.
“Okay it’ll probably be for the best because your Auntie Lupe and some of the ladies from church are going to come over later to help with the cooking. We have a few people who are going to be visiting as well” she says.
I can tell Mama is stressed out, and I hate that Aunty Lupe is going to be there later. “Mama, you know that Micah wouldn’t want you to stress over the funeral arrangements right? He wouldn’t want strangers over to talk about him when they didn’t even know him.”
Mama takes a deep breath and says “I know Sina, it’s so hard to try and do things the less stressful way, but when you have everyone breathing down your neck telling you what the right thing to do is it starts to wear you down.”
I feel myself getting angry, not with Mama but with everyone who thinks that having a traditional funeral is the right thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love and respect my culture one hundred percent, but we’re not your typical Samoan family. Yes, Dad was everything about the culture and loved it with his whole heart. But it is because I am a part of him, that I know that he wouldn’t be upset if we just had a little funeral for Micah without all the stress and heartache.
“Mama, don’t worry about anything we’ll figure this out. We’ll see you in a little bit.”
“Okay sweetie, love you” She says.
“Love you more Mama.” And we both hang up.
“Morning Mama,” Emma says from the doorway.
“Hey baby girl. How are you feeling?” I asked. I reach for her hand and pull her into the room so I can cuddle her. “Why didn’t you wake me up this morning?” I ask.
“Because you were tired and Eli was with me.” I smile at her.
“You like him don’t you?”