by Pua Ramona
“It’s my job Sis, so no worries. We’re going to be okay Sis, I promise you.” And I believe him. Daniel kisses the top of my head then gets up and walks to the kitchen in search of food. Eli hands me a box of tissues then kisses the side of my head.
Luka reaches for my hands and pulls me up so he could hug me. He gives me a bear hug and squeezes me. I wrap my arms around him and I start crying because he’s the backbone to our family. He’s the one who has been holding us all down since Daddy passed. “I love you Sis. And I swear I will never keep anything away from you again” he says.
“I understand now why you guys did, and I forgive you guys.” So much is already happening and staying angry isn’t going to help me heal. Staying angry would only make it harder to breathe. Maybe from the outside looking in I’m weak, or a push over. But it’s my sense of peace that I need, and staying angry won’t get me to where I need to be in my life. I’m giving up the right to be unhappy.
He takes a deep breath and says “I know you’re hurting Sina and you don’t need to downplay it for us. If you need to lash out or whatever then fuck it, do it! Just know that we’re all here to catch you when you fall. Alright?” My tears won’t stop and I’m starting to think that my tear ducts are freaking broken. Luka kisses me on the head and says “If this polo makes you cry again, let me know and I’ll beat his ass sis. He’s cool and all, but I don’t have a problem beating his ass.”
I laugh a little and say, “I will do that.”
“Love you Moony,” Luka says.
“I love you too,” I tell him. I need some air, so I take a big deep breath with my eyes closed. When I open them, my eyes land on the most beautiful face in the universe.
“Hey Mama” Emma says. I’ve missed her so much that I wrap my arms around her and hug her hard. I smother kisses over all of her face and hug her again. “I missed you baby girl.”
She hugs me even tighter and says “I missed you more Mama.” We sit there and don’t let go of each other until she asks me, “Mama, is my baby brother in heaven with Papa and Uncle Micah?”
I look at her and say, “Come with Mama for a minute.”
Emma grabs my hand and follows me to the guest room. We both get in the bed and I cover us with the blanket. I know my baby girl is tired because she has bags under her eyes. I know she hasn't been sleeping since we left New York a couple of days ago, and I know she’s feeling what I’m feeling because she lost her baby brother just as I have lost my son. She wraps herself around me with her head on my shoulder and cries. Emma doesn’t really cry, but I know her emotions are everywhere as well. “We’ll be okay Emma” I whisper as I cocoon her in my arms. She cries until she’s too tired to cry anymore and falls asleep. I watch her as she sleeps and move strands of her hair out of her face. I kiss her nose and quietly say, “I love you baby girl, forever.”
I’m not sure how long I’ve been in the room, but when I walk back to the living room Reese, Leila, Mona, and Daniel are the only ones still here. Daniel sees me and says, “Everyone left because there were people already waiting at the house.”
“Did June-Bug leave too?” I ask.
“Yeah, he said he’ll talk to you later. He didn’t want Mama to be over there by herself” Mona says.
I look at her and say, “I love you Mona.” Her eyes start to tear up and she pretty much knocks me over as she pulls me in so she can hug me.
“Don’t ever scare me like that again Sina. That shit wasn’t okay.” Mona’s voice cracks and I know she’s trying not to break down.
“I promise,” I tell her.
She hugs me once more and says “I didn’t want to leave without clearing the air, so I waited.”
I smile at her and say, “I could never be mad at you Mona. You’re like my other sister.”
She starts wiping her tears away quickly. “Well, we’re going to head over to your Mama’s place now so we could help her out with those people at the house.
“I can come if you need help” I offer.
Daniel looks at me and says “Nope! You can come and hang out at the house tomorrow, but you aren’t going to do shit. Doctor’s orders, plus Auntie Lupe’s going to be staying over so she can help Mama. At least that’s what she told Mama anyway. Nosey old witch.”
Mona rolls her eyes and says “I can’t stand that lady.”
Daniel chuckles and says “Come on Babe we got to head out. And your ass better not act out when Auntie Lupe talks to you.”
“Oh please! She is not my Auntie so I don’t give a shit” she snaps. They both say their goodbyes then they’re gone.
“Are you mad at me?” Lei asks. I look over at her and she’s got an awkward smile on her face.
“I was never mad at you. I was upset with my family.” I say and we both move to the couch and sit down together. “Well, I was a little mad at you but I know it wasn’t your fault. I guess I was just mad that everyone had time with Micah, and I only got to have ten minutes of his time. But it was the best ten minutes of my life.”
Leila smiles and says “I missed you. And I was hurt that you didn’t tell me you were pregnant.”
I sigh and say “I didn’t want you to worry about me, and I didn’t want you to accidentally let it slip out either. So I kept it to myself.”
She takes a deep breath and says “Okay, fair enough. But I am sorry that you lost the baby.” She gives me an awkward look and asks “Anything I need to know about you and Marino?”
“No. Except he was my everything when we were in New York.” I tell her honestly.
Leila looks at me all curious and says, “What does that even mean?”
“It means he’s been my home away from home since he moved there. He made me happy, there were times that I thought I was going to fall in love with him. But it never happened because my heart wasn’t in it.” I explain.
“Because you left your heart here in Washington when you went back to New York” she says.
I nod my head yes. “Sometimes I wished I was in love with Marino because he made everything so easy, and he never made me cry. Sometimes I wished he gave me crazy butterflies. And sometimes I wished it was Marino that I saw at the gas station instead of Eli.” I know I shouldn’t be saying any of this but it's how I feel.
Leila moves closer to me. “I know Eli has been nothing but mean to you and I know he can be an impulsive asshole. But I do know that he has a good heart, he just needs the right person to remind me of that” she says.
I clear my throat and whisper “Would it make me a bad person if I said that I didn’t want to be with Eli anymore?” Leila’s eyes get big like they’re about to pop out. I sigh. I hope she’s not mad that I even said all of this. She’s one of Eli’s best friends, but it still doesn’t change how confused my feelings are for him.
“What? Are you saying that you’re over him?” she asks.
I take a deep breath and say “I’m saying that I’m tired of fighting him, tired of crying over him and because of him. And I don’t think my heart could take another blow from him. I just don’t want to get hurt anymore Leila and he’s the only one who has the power to do that.”
She nods at me and says, “I get it. I completely understand and if or when you do decide to move on you will always have my support bestie, I’ll still love you no matter what. I just want you to be happy and to fall in love with the right guy, even if it isn’t Eli.”
I smile at my best friend and say, “I love you more.”
Chapter Forty-Nine
Eli
“You shouldn’t be eavesdropping on their conversation, man” Reese says.
I look at him and snap “I wasn’t eavesdropping. They aren’t quiet about their conversation so it’s not my fucking fault that I can hear them.”
“Don’t get mad at me because you’re pissed off at what you just heard. And you better not get mad at her for saying what she said, you can’t blame her for feeling like that. You’ve been nothing but a dick to her.”
; I’m too pissed off to say anything to Reese. I stand there trying not to get fucking angry, but it’s hard. Was she having this conversation on purpose because she wanted me to hear them? Did she really just fucking say that she wished it was Marino instead and not me that night at the fucking gas station? My heart feels like she literally just ripped that shit right out of my chest.
Reese hands me a beer and says “Here, before your head starts fucking with you let’s go out back and sit for a bit. Let the girls catch up ‘cause I’m sure Sina has a lot to get off her chest, and your crazy ass needs to get some air.” I take the beer from him and drink most of it down in one. “Slow down man, I don’t need you to get yourself all worked up for no damn reason. So grab your ass another beer then let’s go out back” Reese warns me.
I grab another beer then look over my shoulder and see that she’s watching me with no emotion on her face. I feel my heart ache a little but I make sure she doesn't see my feelings. I walk out to the back patio and take the seat on the opposite side of Reese. I want to face the water. Oh, did I mention that my backyard is connected to the lake? I fell in love with this place because it’s away from everything and I bought the house the very next day after viewing it. I love it because it was in a quiet area, but now my thoughts right now are of me getting married and raising my kids here. But, I don’t want any of that if it’s not going to be with Sina. When I said she was it for me, I meant it. Hearing her tell Lei that she wished things were different between us hurt, but what killed me was hearing her tell Lei that she wasn’t sure about us anymore.
“Talk to me man,” Reese says.
I sit there for a few minutes and offer up, “I fucked up huh?”
“Define fucked up?” Reese questions. I take another sip of my beer and look over at him. “I think I missed my chance with her. I fucked up.” Reese doesn’t say anything so I keep talking. “I don’t think I can be without her man, not after everything we’ve been through. She’s the mother of my son Reese, I can’t lose her now.”
Reese takes a sip of his beer then looks at me and says “Is it because you don’t want to be by yourself and Becca doesn’t want you anymore. So you want Sina to fill in that empty void?”
I look at him and say “Are you serious right now? Did you really just ask me that shit?” Reese gives me a smug look and I want to punch him in the damn mouth.
“All I’m saying is that if you don’t want to lose her then you’re going to have to fight harder for her. In other words, be her fucking friend. And that means you can’t fuck her every time your dick gets hard. You have to make her your first priority and I know it’s hard for you, but your dick stays in your pants” he says. “Do you love her? Or are you in love with her?”
“I’m in love with her. When I’m not with her I have to fight for air. The thought of her with another man makes me see red, the thought of her carrying another man’s child hurts my soul. If I lose her now man, then I feel like I don’t have a fucking reason to do better. I know I sound fucking stupid but it’s how I feel.” I confess.
“Then what are you going to do about it?”Reese pushes.
“I’m going to forget what I heard tonight and show her that I can be her friend, and if she decides that she wants me to be more than just that, I’ll do better for her. I’ll love her through it all. It’ll break my heart if that’s all we’ll ever be, just friends, but I need her in my life man.” I sigh.
Reese rolls his eyes and says “Alright, alright. Quit your fucking crying I believe you.”
“What does that even mean?” I ask.
He chuckles and says “I’ve never heard you cry over a girl before, not even over Chrissy, or Becca. So I believe you. I’ll help you get Sina back if you promise not to treat her like shit anymore, and I mean it.”
My chest feels a little lighter but not too much. “I swear on everything I love that I won’t hurt her again.”
He drinks the rest of his beer then says “All this shit talking you do about her and she’s got you wrapped around her little pretty finger. Or should I say she has you pussy whipped.”
What an asshole.
“Fuck you, man.”
He starts laughing and says “You should’ve seen your face when she said she wanted Marino over you. You looked like you were about to shit a fucking brick then cry like a little fucking bitch.”
I throw the rest of my beer in the trash can. “Can you see yourself without Lei?” I ask.
Reese’s shoulders fall just a little then he says, “Without her half of me wouldn’t be this alive.”
“If I lose Sina now, breathing would be pointless” I tell him.
He looks at me and says “I get it E, just promise me that you’re done fucking with her heart.”
I look past his shoulder and see Sina in the kitchen leaning against the counter crying. My heart aches. She wipes her face with a piece of paper towel and I know she can feel me watching because she turns to look out of the window straight back at me. She gives me a sad smile and walks out of the kitchen with a glass of water. I look back at Reese and vow, “You have my word; I will make it right.”
He drinks the rest of his beer and says “Take all the time off you need, we’re slow at the office anyways. I’m going to grab Leila so you guys can talk.” He chuckles. “And all the poor girl did was come back home for a family reunion, now she’s got the whole fucking world on her shoulders.” And he walks inside.
I stand outside for a few minutes so I can take in the fresh air that I need. I look up and see that the moon is out. “Alright Mr. Peterson, I know I messed up with your daughter. I’m asking for one more chance to make things right with us. I don’t deserve it, but I know I was put on this earth to love her. I could use a little help right now. All I ask is that you please guide us through all of it. I know about the man in the moon, but I also know that the man in the moon has always been you.” I take another breath and say, “Thank you for raising such a beautiful daughter whose heart and soul deserves everything this world has to offer.” I run both of my hands down my face and make my way inside of the house.
“Thank you for having us over Eli” Lei says.
I pull her in for a hug and say, “Thanks for everything Lei, I love you.”
“She’s emotional right now so don’t take what she said personally okay? She’s dealing with too much and she’s allowed to feel the way she does. Just don’t give up on her.”
I kiss the top of her head and say “I know Lei, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
“I know sweetie. Just give her some time.” She says as she squeezes me.
“Alright man, I’ll call you tomorrow. Be nice!” Reese says as he picks his keys up off the table and walks over to Sina. “Me and you have a lot to talk about little lady”, he tells her. She smiles at him and I watch trying not to get jealous. I wish she would smile more often. She’s so fucking beautiful when she does.
She wraps her arms around Reese and says “We certainly do, Sir.” He hugs her then kisses her cheek before he lets her go. He looks at me and winks. Motherfucker.
“I’ll check in on you tomorrow Sina” Lei says.
“You really don’t have to, but I know you will, so I will be waiting for your call” Sina tells her with a smile..
They walk to the door and Reese looks at Sina and says “Call me if you need to talk or if you need a hug.” Then he and Lei both walk out the door, closing it behind them.
I don’t know why but all of a sudden I feel fucking nervous standing next to her. Her cheeks start turning red and I know she’s just as nervous as I am. I chuckle and say “I know this is weird, but I want you to make yourself at home Sina. If you need me to run to the store for what you might need, just let me know I’d be more than happy to do it.”
She smiles her first real smile since I brought her here and my whole body starts to relax. “Eli, thank you for letting Emma and I stay the night. I don’t think I would have been able to pretend like e
verything was okay any longer” she says. She inhales then exhales. “I’m exhausted, and I can’t pretend anymore Eli. It’s too much.”
I reach for her hand and say, “Then don’t pretend anymore. If you want to cry, scream, or hit something I won’t stop you. I just want you to be okay Sina, that’s all.” She has tears in her eyes but she doesn’t cry this time.
“I’ll help you with the kitchen,” she says.
I frown and say, “ Is that wise babe? You’re supposed to be resting.”
She laughs and says “Still not your Babe, Babe, and anyway it’s my family’s fault that your kitchen looks like you just fed the whole neighborhood.” She giggles and it’s the most amazing sound I’ve ever heard in all my life. “At least we’ll have leftovers for morning tea tomorrow.”
I look at her like she just said the craziest shit and tell her, “We are not eating this for breakfast tomorrow Sina.”
She laughs harder. “Oh yeah we are. Leftovers taste better the next day” she says with her eyes rolling again.
I laugh at her antics and say “You know, one day you’re going to roll your eyes and they’re just going to fall out of that pretty little head.”
She scrunches her nose and says “Then I guess you’re going to have to help me pop them back in.” She walks to the kitchen and I laugh my ass off. It feels so fucking good to actually laugh. And it feels even better to be laughing because of her. I know not to push her, but I’m so fucking excited to learn more about her. I walk into the kitchen and she’s already putting the food away.
“After I put the food away, I’ll wash and you can rinse'' she says.
I grab the trash so I can take it out but before I walk out the door I look at her and say, “No. You can go get your rest now and I can finish up the dishes, you’ve done enough.”
“No. I’m not tired. We can both do the dishes then maybe if you want we could sit in your backyard and have a beer? Well you have a beer and I’ll make myself some tea” she says.
Fuck that sounds perfect. “Yeah, we can do that.” I tell her and she smiles again, pulling her hair up in one of those messy buns that I love so much on her and starts moving around the kitchen.