Pieces of Me

by Pua Ramona

  “Please , please stop!” I plead.

  “I heard Hunter got you pregnant. You let him come inside of you Sina? Did you fucking like it when he fucked you?” he spits in face.

  I try shaking my head, but he’s already out of the car. I try locking the door but he’s too fast. The door flies open and he grabs me by the hair and drags me out of the car, throwing me on the ground. I can feel my face swelling up but I’m too scared to move. Jackson lifts me by the hair, and tosses me against the car. He clasps his hand around my throat and hisses, “I’m going to fuck you so hard that Hunter won’t want you when he finds out that I tore your pussy up, and I mean that literally.”

  I knee him in the balls and he lets go of me for a quick second. I try running but he seizes my leg and pulls me to the ground. I put my hands out to break my fall but I’m too slow. I go down face first and I hit the ground hard. Black dots blur my vision and I see Jackson is back on his feet already. I try to crawl away from him, but he kicks me in the stomach.

  “Please, stop,” I whimper. Breathing hurts, my ears are ringing and my vision is swimming.

  He grabs my hair and his face is so close I can smell the alcohol on his breath. “I’m crazy about you Sina” he says. He tries to kiss me but I turn my face away. He sits on top of me and I try everything I can to get him off of me, but it’s pointless because he weighed more than I did and my arms and legs won't cooperate with me anymore. He hits my face again and starts to pull at my jeans.

  “Please stop! I’m sorry that I left Jackson” I cry out. “I was scared and ashamed so I left. Please, don’t do this Jackson” I beg.

  But he doesn’t stop. I hear him taking his belt off before he unzips his pants. I won’t let him do this to me again, I was young and innocent eight years ago and I didn’t know what to do. I’m not that same little girl anymore and I have my own little girl to think about. ‘m not going to allow him to break me again. Everything is hurting, but I know I have to fight, even if it kills me.

  He tears my panties off and I feel the intrusion of his finger inside me. “Get off me” I scream. I start kicking my legs, scratching him as I scream, needing someone to hear me.

  “You’re so fucking wet baby” he moans in my ear like a deluded psychopath. I can feel him getting hard and I fight with renewed vigour. He tries to spread my legs, but I battle against him. I try to force him off of me but he hits me again, harder than the other hits and all I see is darkness as my vision cuts out completely.

  I’m not sure how long I was out, but when I wake up I feel sore everywhere. I try moving, but the pain between my legs is unbearable. My heart breaks. I know he’s raped me again and all I can do is curl up into a ball and cry. I feel dirty , worthless and ugly. He raped me and left me here like I’m just a piece of trash. Moving is painful, but I have to get my jeans back on. I’m ashamed, I’m hurt, and all I wanted to do is numb the pain. I reach for my jeans and struggle to slide them on.

  I need to get rid of this pain. I am exhausted. I can feel that my face is swollen, but I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to die, but I need to numb the pain. I can’t get on my feet so I try to crawl back to the truck. I feel a piece of glass in the mud and I know what I need to do to ease the pain. I pull my sleeve up and all my scars mock me.

  You’re too weak Sina.

  The only way you can numb the pain is by hurting yourself Sina .

  The voices in my head are so loud that I can’t even hear my heartbeat.

  Before I can cut myself someone takes the piece of glass away from me and wrap their arms around me. “I got you Sina.” I know who the voice belongs to, but I’m not sure if this is real. Maybe it’s all in my head, maybe I wanted to be saved so badly that my brain is making me think that someone is actually here with me.

  “Who did this to you?” the voice asks.

  My eyes are heavy and I’m tired but I want to know if she’s really here or not.

  “Becca?” I whisper.

  She holds me tighter. “Yes Sweetie, I’m here and I won’t let you go Sina, just please stay with me okay?” she cries. I don’t have the energy to respond so I just sit there. “Can you move Sina?” she asks

  “It hurts,” I cry.

  “I need you to move Sina. You need to go to the hospital” she says. I shake my head at her, no hospital. People will find out if I go there. She sighs and says “Okay. I’m going to lean you against the truck. I have to call Eli, Sina. I know you don’t want me to, but he has to know.”

  Whatever piece I had left of myself completely shatters. I am too dirty. I am ashamed. He deserves someone that isn’t broken. I try telling her not to call him, but I can’t find my voice. Becca walks back to her car to call Eli. I sit here and try to make sense of everything. I want to know why Jackson did what he did. I want to know why he took it out on me. I want to know what I did that was so wrong to him that he felt the need to hurt me like this. Nothing comes to mind. Broken. I am broken is the only thing I can think of right now. I am broken. I can’t take the pain I’m feeling anymore so I pick up another piece of glass and start cutting.

  “Sina, please stop,” Becca cries. She puts her hands on mine to stop me from cutting.

  “Becca, please I need to numb myself” I sob.

  She cries harder and says “No. I will not sit here and watch you hurt yourself. I’m sorry that it happened. I’m sorry that you can’t catch a fucking break. I’m sorry for being late. If I would have left my parent’s house earlier, I would’ve been here sooner.” I can feel the glass digging into my skin, I try to move my hand but all I hear are voices and car doors slamming.

  “Oh my God.”

  “Leila, she’s bleeding but I don’t know where it’s coming from. I can’t move her because I’m not sure if anything’s broken” Becca says.

  “Sina sweetie, I need you to tell me where it hurts the most?” Leila asks.

  I can’t hold in my tears and hide my pain anymore. “My heart” I wail.

  “Where is she?”

  Leila moves and yells “Over here. Reese, she needs to go to the hospital.”

  I start shaking my head no. “No hospital.”

  Becca moves my hair out of my face and says “You have to let go of the piece of glass Sina. Please. You’re already hurting. Please Sina.” I can feel the piece of glass cutting into the palm of my hand and it makes the pain in my heart hurt less.

  “What the fuck?” Reese shouts.

  Becca moves out of the way so he can check on me. “Hey pretty girl” Reese says sadly. I cry harder. He holds on to me until the one person who I am too ashamed to look at is kneeling in front of me. I don’t want him to see my face, and I don’t want him to touch me because I am damaged. He doesn’t deserve the ugly parts of me, he deserves beautiful and that isn’t me. Eli reaches for my hands and I flinch.

  “Eli, she has a piece of broken glass in her hand” Becca cries.

  “I called Luka and Daniel, they’re on their way,” Reese says.

  “She has to go to the hospital right now, she doesn’t look good,” Leila cries. I hate that I am hurting them, I hate that they are crying for me. I don’t want them to see me like this, but I need someone to save me.

  “Talk to her Eli,” Reese says.

  I can’t look Eli in the eye. I can feel his heart breaking because mine is too. I’ve been trying to keep myself above water, but this time I can’t. I’m drowning and I’m not sure how to save myself anymore.

  “Sina, it’s me,” Eli says. More tears run down my face. He slowly reaches for my hands and this time I don’t flinch. None of them have seen my face yet, as much as i don’t want them to see me like this, I have no choice. Eli takes my chin with two of his fingers and gently moves my head so he can see my face. I close my eyes before I can see him.

  “Oh my God!” Leila and Becca cry.

  “Fuck!” I hear something break.

  “Reese stop! You punching out the window isn’t helping any” Leila shouts.
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  “Why would someone do this?” Becca says. I try shutting every single sound out, but I can’t shut out the sound of Eli’s breathing.

  “Sina.” Eli says. He clears his throat several times and I know he’s having a hard time trying to keep his emotions in check.

  “Eli, we have to take her to the hospital now or we’ll have to call the police. She doesn’t look good” Becca says. I know both Leila and Becca are worried, but I also know that Eli and Reese are waiting for my brothers to show up before they take me anywhere.

  “Baby. Please look at me.” I slowly shake my head in refusal. I want this feeling to go away so I try cutting through my skin again.

  “Sina please stop.” But I don’t want to stop, I want to feel a different kind of pain. I can hear Leila and Becca crying and then I hear car doors slam.

  “Where is she?” Luka asks.

  “Don’t move her man, she doesn’t look good” Reese says. I can feel Luka and Daniel crouch down next to me.

  “What the fuck? Who did this Sina?” Daniel asks.

  “Where the fuck were you?” Luka shouts at Eli.

  “He was looking for her, Luka, don’t put this on him man” Reese says putting Luka in his place.

  “Uso not right now. We have to get her to the fucking hospital first, then we’ll fucking find out who did this to her” Daniel says calmly. I want to tell them that Jackson isn’t worth it, but I know it won’t matter.

  “Mama’s going to have to make different arrangements for the funeral. There’s no fucking way that we can have it without Sina there” Luka says. The rain gets heavier and the wind is picking up. “What the fuck are we going to tell Mama?” His voice cracks.

  “We need to take her now you guys, she’s bleeding and we don’t know if she’s bleeding anywhere else” Leila says. I start to panic. I push the glass down deeper and start to cut but Eli covers my hands with his.

  “Don’t do this,” he begs. I can feel the glass cut deeper and I hear Luka crying.

  “Sis, please. We can’t lose you too.” The ache in my chest is so painful that I can’t stop the cracks in my heart from getting bigger. I try breathing, but I can’t. I can feel my body shutting down, everything going cold.

  “Eli, talk to her,” Reese says. I feel Eli’s hands let go of mine, and my heart feels heavy. It hurts to open my eyes, but I try anyway. At least I’ll know then that Eli made the choice to walk away from me, and if he does then I won’t blame him. I’m struggling to focus but I could still see him. I expected him to be gone, but instead I see a broken man kneeling before me.

  He peels his sweatshirt off and says “If you want to cut yourself, then you’re going to take my arm, look me in my eyes and cut as many times as you want until you’re too tired to cut anymore Sina. Use me.”

  The pain that my heart is is like nothing that I have ever felt before. I look at him with tears and pain in my heart and cry, “How could you ask me to do that? I would never, ever wish this kind of pain on anyone else, even on you. I love you too much to hurt you like that.”

  He gently grabs my hands and places them on his chest. “Then please don’t break my heart. Because every time that piece of glass cuts through your skin a piece of me dies. Feel the beat of my heart and believe that it only beats for you.”

  He lifts my hands to his lips and kisses my old scars and along with the fresh ones. Then he kisses the insides of both of my wrists. I love him. “I can’t lose you now Sina. If I have to sit in this storm forever, then I will because I’m not letting you go. I’m not giving up on you. If you ask me to leave, I won’t. Even if it means that you have to hate me for the rest of my life, I don’t care. Just as long as I can still hear and feel your heartbeat then the rest doesn’t fucking matter”.

  He gently holds my face in his hands. “I love you Sina. Please choose me, let me be the one to save you. Let me love you. Choose me.” He kisses my forehead, “Please, choose me.”

  And then I understood everything. Eight years of holding on to the pain and not knowing how to move my way through it. I finally understood the real meaning of letting go. I have struggled for eight years of trying to love myself fully. I was loving just half of myself, but I needed to love me as a whole woman.

  It’s taken me eight years to understand the true meaning of unconditional love. Here is a man who’s breaking because of me, but who is still willing to love me through all the damage and ugliness. Here is a man who is willing to save me from drowning by keeping me above water. My lifesaver. Everything happens for a reason. If this was the path I had to take to get where I’m at right now, then I will fight until I feel whole again.

  Eight years of trying to put every piece of myself back together again led me to a love that my heart and soul prayed for.

  The broken pieces of me led me here to him.

  My past led me to Eli.

  I drop the broken glass and I let everything go. I finally break and all I can do at this point is scream. I scream because I am furious with Jackson, I scream because I didn’t do anything wrong. I scream because he stole eight years from me. I scream because I didn’t deserve it. I scream because I am fucking innocent. I scream until I can’t anymore and I sob instead.

  “Everything hurts. My heart hurts, Eli.” He moves me carefully into his lap. He wraps his arms around me with so much love and we cry together. Our broken pieces finding each other in the darkness.

  “I’ll fix this. I give you my word Sina, I’ll fix it.” It hurts too much to move my arms so I lay my head on his bare chest and close my eyes. “Call for help,” Eli says. He never lets me go, he sits and cries quietly. He kisses the top of my head. “I love you so fucking much” is the last thing I hear before everything else goes black.

  Chapter Fifty-Six

  Eli

  “I’ll fix this. I give you my word Sina. I’ll fix it.” She lays her head on my chest and she just cries. I pray that she doesn’t hear my heart as it breaks for her.

  I sit and hold her until the ambulance shows up. I don’t want anyone to fucking touch her, but the medics need to check her for more injuries. They move her to the stretcher and start working on her.

  “My name’s Eric” says one of the medics. I don’t respond back. “Sir we have to take her to the hospital now, we have to make sure that she’s not bleeding from the inside. Are you going to ride with us Sir?”

  “Go with her,” Luka says. “We’ll meet you at the hospital.”

  I look at him and say, “Thank you.”

  “We have to go now.” I get inside the ambulance while the other medic is hooking Sina up to an I.V. I take her hand in mine and lay my forehead on it.

  I take several deep breaths and whisper “Don’t take her away from me, please.”

  What I saw tonight at the lake is something I will remember for the rest of my fucking life. My heart fucking broke and a piece of my soul died there. I didn’t see anything or anyone, but her. I saw her blood and nothing else mattered anymore. All I care about is the woman who holds my heart and who is my whole world. I need her to understand that I am willing to give my life to save hers, because she fucking deserves a life full of unconditional true love. I want to take the pain away from her, I want her to know that she is my life. If she’s going to hurt, then we’re going to hurt together.

  I promise myself that I’ll find the motherfucker who did this to her and I’m going to make sure he wishes that he had never laid his fucking hands on her.

  Chapter Fifty-Seven

  Sina

  8 years ago….

  A piece of me died when I saw Michael making love to Becca, my best friend in our bed. They had been so consumed with each other that they hadn’t even realized that I was standing there. I couldn’t find my voice or my words. I tried screaming, but the ache that I was feeling in my heart made it harder for me to do anything. “I love you” whispered Michael. And that was the push that my feet needed in order for me to move. I felt the tears running down my fac
e, but I kept walking through the house grabbing the little things that I needed. Like the little box where I kept all my important documents. My passport, social security card, and birth certificate. I walked out of the house that became my second home, away from my parents. I got in my car and I drove away without looking back. I drove to one of the parks that was close by and I cried. How could he do this to me? How long have they been sleeping together? Was Becca the reason why he started coming home late? Late night text messages and phone calls? The signs were right in front of my face and I didn’t even know. Is that why Becca stopped coming over, because he was going to her place after work? I had so many questions and my thoughts were everywhere. I knew I was hurting, but what hurt the most is that they were the two people I trusted with my secrets and my life and they betrayed me in the worst way possible. How did I not know this was going on? I reached for my purse because I needed my phone, but instead I pulled my ultrasound photo out instead. I cried. My baby. I was having a baby, alone. Yes, I could have told him, but after seeing them together telling him was the last thing on my to do list. I held my little jelly bean’s photo and cried. I don’t know how long I sat there for before my phone started buzzing. I checked it and my heart cracked some more.

  5:00pm-Mikey: Where are you? You’ve been gone for four hours.

  5:30pm-Mikey: Call me.

  6:00pm-Mikey: Baby, I’m starting to get worried. Call me please.

  6:45pm-Mikey: Are you at your parents? Come home, I miss you.

  It was four almost five hours since I left the house, and he’d only just decided to text me. I hated that he could cheat on me and not feel bad at all. I hated that he was texting me as if he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I hated that he could think that I was stupid, and that I wasn’t going to find out. Fucking asshole. I deleted his messages then I called Mama. She didn’t pick up so I text her instead.