Hush

by Jay Lang

She takes a deep breath and then slowly exhales. “I didn’t want to make you feel as badly as I was feeling. I needed to get away from what happened, to clear my mind. You wouldn’t have let me go.”

  You don’t know that, I want to say. But even as I think the words, I realise that she’s probably right. I clutch the steering wheel and nod. “I…might have tried to convince you not to go.”

  “You definitely would have, Jade. You would have stopped me. You already did—it took me a week to tear myself away.”

  So that whole week she’d been working herself up to leave. I feel a stab of pain in my gut, and I close my eyes for a moment before turning to her. “I should’ve been more understanding. I guess I thought that I could help you get through it, but that wasn’t fair. You needed this. I’m sorry.”

  She blinks at me. “Wow.”

  “What?”

  “Did you take a say-all-the-right-things-pill?”

  I let out a laugh. My stomach eases a bit. “I’ve had a lot of time to think. I’ve been a bad person, and I want to be better for you. For us.”

  “You’re not bad, Jade. You’re just really intense, sometimes.”

  She looks out the passenger window and I hear her start to cry. I reach over and touch her shoulder. “Are you okay?”

  “I can’t come back with you, Jade. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

  My stomach re-clenches, and it feels like my veins are flooding with icy water. “Annie, don’t do this.”

  “Everything has changed now. It’s not the same as it was and it will never be the same again.”

  “What are you talking about? Is it because of what Robbie did?”

  “No…I mean…a consequence of it, yes.”

  “Annie, please, tell me what the hell is going on.”

  She grabs a Kleenex from her pocket and wipes her eyes and nose. “God, I don’t want to tell you, but I guess I have no choice. You’re here.”

  She turns and looks at me. Her eyes are wet and red.

  “Because of what happened that night, with Robbie, I was left with something. A—” Her breath shudders, and she has to regain her composure. “A reminder.”

  “What? What does that mean? He gave you a disease or something?”

  “Jade, I’m pregnant, okay? There. I fucking said it. Now you know.”

  I hear her words, but I can’t absorb them. I just stare at her. She doesn’t meet my eyes. She keeps her gaze on Stinky’s head, which she’s stroking with shaking fingers.

  This can’t be happening. This changes everything—forever.

  Even though I feel like I know less about Annie every minute that passes, I do know one thing for sure. She would never get an abortion. What is she thinking, then? Adoption? The questions burn my throat, but I don’t dare ask. Our relationship is too volatile for those kinds of questions right now.

  “Annie.” I struggle for words and end up saying the truth. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Why?” She lets out a sob and presses a hand to her mouth. “Because I repulse you?”

  “Why the hell would you repulse me?”

  She finally looks at me. “You know damn well why.”

  I look into her eyes. “What happened to you wasn’t your fault. And it’s not the baby’s.” She takes a shuddering breath and I grab her hand. “But are you sure you’re pregnant? I mean, it’s only been a short time since you were...since Robbie and you…”

  “Of course, I’m sure. After that night, I was expecting my period anytime but it never came. As you know, my cycle is like clockwork, I’m never late.”

  I nod. “I just wanted to know if you were sure? As I was saying before, it’s not your fault and I wouldn’t never judge the baby for what happened. A long time ago, when Denny was young and started acting nuts, my father told my mother that he was born bad. It’s one of the only memories I have of her getting angry and standing up to my father. She spat at him, snarled really, that all babies are born innocent. I’ve always believed that.”

  Annie lowers her head and gently strokes Stinky’s fur with the hand not holding mine. She nods, tears still sliding down her cheeks.

  “Annie, I’m not denying that this is a huge fucking shock. All I’m saying is that we shouldn’t let it tear us apart.”

  She squeezes her eyes shut. “I tried, Jade. I tried to stay, really. I wanted to. But that morning when I woke up and you were sleeping, all I had was the memory of what happened. I know it was wrong, but I just couldn’t stay in that house one more minute.”

  I nod, trying to understand. Trying not to hear the bitterness in the words ‘that house’. “I understand, Annie. But if we let it destroy us, Robbie wins.”

  She lifts her head, sniffs and looks into my eyes. “I can’t, Jade. I love you, but I’m just not ready.”

  I hold back my tears—I have to be strong, though I’m seconds from collapsing. I know what’s going to happen. She’s going to stay in Vancouver, and when she’s ready to live again, she’s going to meet someone else. Why wouldn’t she? Why wouldn’t she want to restart with someone not connected with the worst day of her life?

  I say nothing. There’s nothing left to say. I drive back to the apartment, pull up in the alleyway, and stare straight ahead. I can’t look at her.

  “Jade, I’ll be in touch, okay?”

  I accept the lie with a nod, my eyes still on the dark alley. I’m glad that Stinky is in between us. She’d probably try and hug me, and I wouldn’t be able to handle that.

  She gets out of the cab. I wait until I see her disappear into the building before I let out the sob that’s been sitting in my throat. I put my head down on the steering wheel and grip my hair. Stinky whines next to me and paws my leg.

  I take a couple of breaths, then I grab a smoke out of the cubby and roll down the window halfway. I sit there, blowing smoke out the window, my hand on Stinky’s soft body. When I’ve finished my smoke, I put the truck in reverse and look in the rear-view mirror.

  In the glow of my tail lights, I see a still figure, clouded by the exhaust. What the hell? I put the truck in park and then open my door to look.

  Annie stands there, soaking wet, her chest heaving.

  My heart rises in my chest and my skin feels electrified. I open the door and jump out. She meets me halfway and we clutch each other tight. My hair is saturated in ten seconds. It was, of course, the worst day I could have chosen to wear mascara .

  “I’m cold,” Annie murmurs into my neck after a minute. “Let’s get in the truck.”

  I nod. Then I reach into my pocket and pull out the small box. I grab her hand and then kneel in the cold river of water that’s flowing over the alley. With my hair stuck to my face and my raccoon eyes, I look up at her. “Annie, I love you. I want us to be together. You, me, and most importantly, Stinky. Forever.”

  I open the box and raise it to her. It, too, is soaked immediately.

  “Jade.” She lets out a teary laugh. “Are you asking me to marry you in a filthy alleyway?”

  “I’m nothing if not romantic, Annie .”

  We look at each other and laugh. She nods, and my chest explodes.

  We head out of the city, my girl beside me and Stinky with his head out of the window. “You know, we have to change his name, right?” Annie says to me at one point.

  “Okay, feed him a peanut butter sandwich, wait a few minutes and tell me what name comes to mind. You’ll realise that I was being nice.”

  “That’s awful, Jade.”

  On the ferry back, I tell her what had happened when she was away. Stinky’s arrival, mostly. I gloss over the details of the investigation. I leave out Denny’s involvement entirely.

  Chapter Nine

  The frigid North Easterly wind brings with it a promise of an early winter. Halloween arrives, and I make up my mind to convince Annie to go to the fireworks. Halloween on Gabriola is always a blast. Most of the locals go down to Twin Beaches for the fireworks. The kids are all in costume and the dogs ru
n around, often hiding from the sound of the fireworks. I think it would be good for Annie. It will be something normal to do.

  Annie has been getting sick in the mornings. I’ll get her some tea and soda crackers and she’ll lie down on the couch and write in her journal or watch TV. Despite it all, we’ve been tight, almost like we were before all the shit came down. We don’t talk about that night, and I wonder if we’ve silently agreed to pretend it never happened.

  When she’s not nauseous, we talk about wedding plans. She wants to wait until spring when all the flowers are out, but I want to seal our commitment as soon as possible. We compromised on November fifteenth. There’s a church on the island that we’ve been to a couple of times, and the pastor seems open-minded.

  As for the baby thing, I try not to think about it. Another person is growing inside of her that has no connection to me. That kills. I always dreamt about growing old with her, just the two of us—safe and happy in our perfect little bubble. I guess that plan is shot to shit now. At night, with no distractions, I think of the future. The focus on a child, someone else’s child, and me—the outsider.

  But what choice do I have? If I walk away from the baby, I walk away from Annie. I’ll have to suck it up. And it’s not like I hate kids.

  “Are we getting dressed in costumes tonight?” Annie says suddenly from the couch. “Or should we just go plain-clothed?”

  “I don’t think we have anything here,” I say. “Maybe we should just wear warm clothes and bring a thermos.”

  “That might be best. If I wear anything tight, my tummy will show. Can you imagine the shock on people’s faces if they see us and my little belly? That would be hilarious.”

  “Not if I put a zucchini down the front of my jeans.”

  The night is full of positive energy, with kids running around dressed as everything from princesses to Batman. Annie and I sit on the beach with Stinky and the other spectators. As soon as the last sliver of the sun disappears into the sea, colorful fireworks explode and expand overhead, reflecting in the still waters.

  When a child dressed as a dinosaur runs by and trips in front of us, Annie quickly hurries to pick him up and brush off his costume. I smile, thinking of what kind of a mother she will be. In a moment like this, my future doesn’t seem as bleak.

  At home, Annie has a warm bath and listens to a Laura Pergolizzi CD. I’m in the living room, trying to find something good for us to watch on Netflix. Switching through movies, I hear my phone buzz in my coat that’s on the back of the recliner.

  When I pull it out, I see Denny’s name flashing on the screen. Shit.

  I put the phone down on the couch and go to the bathroom. The music is so loud, she doesn’t hear me enter and I startle her. “Hey, babe,” she says, looking up at me.

  “I was previewing some movies,” I say. “I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t too loud for you.”

  “It’s fine. I can’t hear it. Can you shut the door? You’re letting my heat out.”

  I smile and close the door.

  In the kitchen, I redial Denny. I run the water in the sink, just in case. The line clicks. “Denny?” I whisper. “I noticed that you called. What’s going on?”

  “What do you think is going on? Did you really think that I was going to be okay? How the fuck can I be? There’s cops calling or visiting me every few days and I can’t fucking handle it anymore.”

  He’s almost shouting; I have to hold the phone a few inches from my ear. I feel my stomach sink. He sounds familiar now. “But what about the lawyer?” I ask him.

  “What about him? All he’s done is take his fucking time getting back to me. I feel like going there and burning down his firm.”

  “Denny. Are you still taking your meds?”

  “Did I take my meds? Did I take my meds? Why don’t you take them? Everybody needs them. We’re all fucked.”

  “Denny, I can’t talk now. Will you call me tomorrow and we’ll discuss things further?”

  “Oh, you can’t talk now? Let me guess, your perfect little chick is with you and you don’t want her to know that you’re talking to your fucked-up brother, is that it?”

  I say nothing.

  “You know, for as smart of a girl that you are, you’re sure clueless. You’re getting played like a fiddle.”

  If I wasn’t sure if he was off his meds before, I am now. I want to tell him that he’s psycho, to shut up and leave me alone, but the memory of our recent time together stops me. I think of the person he’s capable of being, and I can’t help but feel sorry for him.

  I tell him that he needs to take his pills and rest, and I reassure him that I’ll call when I get a chance tomorrow. I hang up and put the phone on the counter. I stare at it, chewing my lip. For the first time since we’ve been adults, I’m worried about him.

  “Hey, what are you doing in here? I thought we were going to watch a movie?”

  I turn to see Annie in the doorway in her robe and a towel on her head. I make sure my body is blocking her view of the phone. “I was just getting us some popcorn.”

  She looks at me quizzically, then shrugs and tells me to remember the cheese shaker. She disappears into the living room and I let out a breath. That was close, too close. I turn my phone off before sliding it into my pocket.

  I pay zero attention to Finding Nemo. I’m preoccupied by my phone conversation with Denny. I think about what he’d said about Annie. You’re getting played like a fiddle.

  I don’t believe anything he says right now. His words are thoughts from a scrambled mind. However, our conversation reminds me of something that, while I haven’t forgotten, I’d put far on the back burner of my mind. Now, it rears its head.

  Raj.

  I’ve avoided asking her about her life outside of me. I knew it wouldn’t do anything but cause tension. But now…now I know if I don’t say anything, it’ll just eat at me.

  “Hey, babe?” I say, putting my arm around her. She snuggles closer to me and grunts—her mouth is full of popcorn, and another handful is on its way. “I meant to ask you something a while ago, but because it wasn’t that important and I just kind of forgot about it until now.” I fight to keep my tone casual. “Who is Raj?”

  Her hand stops. She tosses the handful of popcorn back into the bowl and lets out a breath through her nose, chewing furiously. She swallows and turns to me. “Are you serious, Jade? Are you really going to start this jealousy shit again?”

  “No. Not at all. I was just curious. When you were in Vancouver working, I called and someone said that you were with Raj.” Time to backpedal like my life depends on it. “It’s stupid. I shouldn’t have even asked. Let’s just forget about it, okay?”

  “Yeah right, Jade.” She gives me a tired look. “I’ve known you for most of my life. When have you ever been able to just forget about something that’s bothering you?”

  “I’m trying to change. I won’t mention it again, I promise.”

  She stares off into space for a moment and then turns and looks at me. “Look, I’m not going to spend my life walking on eggshells. I don’t want a life of worrying about how jealous you’ll get if I have friends. I won’t do it, Jade. I won’t feed into your paranoia.”

  “I’m not—”

  “That being said, I will answer your question this time, and this time only. Raj is a male model.”

  I stare at her, but all I can see is a tanned, buff, gorgeous guy with a great personality and sex appeal. Fuck!

  “And Jade?” She tosses a popcorn kernel in her mouth. “He’s extremely, incredibly gay.”

  The blood that’s been rushing to my head slowly calms and my pulse rate eases down. “Yeah, well.” I shrug, trying to look unsurprised. “I had a feeling he was.”

  She picks up a handful of popcorn and tosses it at me. “You’re so full of shit.”

  Sometimes I hate that she knows me so well. However, I’m too relieved to feel embarrassed.

  * * *

  8 AM and I wake to
Stinky licking my face, then giving a sharp bark. Any other day than Saturday and I would have been up by now, and Stinky would probably still be sleeping.

  I can’t even ask Annie to let him out. She left early for Nanaimo to go to the doctors. I pull the pillow over my head in hopes of getting just ten more minutes before the dog barks again, but I can hear his pre-bark whining through the down pillow. Forget it.

  I get up and open the front door, and he streaks by me. I walk out on the porch in my shorts and watch as he runs from tree to tree, relieving himself. “Come on, Stinky. I’m freezing my ass off out here.”

  He starts to run towards me and then stops dead in his tracks. His head turns and he barks.

  “Be quiet. You’re going to wake the neighbors.”

  His barking becomes louder and more intense. There’s a lot of wildlife in the area; there could be something hiding in the bushes, taunting him. I call him again, but he doesn’t move. I walk out in bare feet to grab him and lead him back, but just as my hands grasp his harness, I hear the crunching of footsteps.

  I whirl around. Detective Dickson is walking around the side of the house. He waves as I stare. What the hell is he doing here? I’m hyper-aware of my attire—I probably look like a nutcase.

  “Jade, right?” he asks, as if he doesn’t damn well know.

  “That’s right.”

  “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  “Just wait until I put the dog in the house.”

  Once Stinky is back inside, I run to the bedroom and quickly pull on a pair of track pants and a hoodie before going back outside. Dickson is now sitting on a chair on the porch, looking out over the water.

  “Have a seat,” I say, unable to hold back the sarcasm.

  He smiles, takes a pack of Rothman’s out of his pocket and offers me one.

  “No thanks. I hate that brand.” He laughs and lights up, using his palm to shelter the flame from the wind. I sit on the chair next to him. “So, what brings you back to my place?”

  “I think you know, Jade.”

  A hard-lump forms in my throat, making it hard to swallow.