What if Only Adam Bit the Apple?

by James Serio

were initially excited about what was thought to be a wonder drug that could provide an effective therapy for the manic phase of bipolar illness. And this would be an all natural herbal remedy. Unfortunately, after numerous clinical trials, it was found that there is no safe therapeutic dose of this particular remedy known as hemlock.

  But clinical research continued and drugs were developed that showed greater promise. But there were still side effects which were always problematic and sometimes horrific.

  The use of these 'psychotropic' medications were roundly criticized in the churches. It was argued that these medications often cause brain damage and other serious health problems. And that they are an impediment to spiritual growth. But both doctors and serpentologists insisted that the medications were needed to correct 'chemical imbalances' in the brain. So therapy and medication became the standard mode of treating mental illness.

  Many serpentologists, doctors, lawyers and other professionals, once they became established, lived in the affluent Royal View Gardens community in the suburbs of Babylon. This gated community was known for its luxurious estates and lush gardens. And you could even see the Queen's castle on Babylon Mountain in the distance. To live in Royal View Gardens, to say the least, meant that you had arrived as a full-fledged member of the Babylon aristocracy.

  So impressed was the Queen of this community of elite professionals that she allowed them to elect their own Community Council. Every female, 16 years of age or older, was allowed to vote. And the Queen allowed whatever decisions the Council made to stand. It was history's first functioning gynocracy. And the Queen became known as the most progressive monarch in the civilized world.

  Serpentology became more and more established and pervasive in its influence throughout the Queendom. And, as had long been advocated by the Serpent, serpentology became a core part of every child's curriculum. Every child learned basic serpentological principles, and was able to recite important sayings generously imparted by the Serpent. For such had been decreed by the Queen.

  But children were not exactly bored in regard to what they learned. In fact, some of this knowledge was very useful. They learned that all spanking is child abuse and that they could easily put an end to it: All they needed to do was to write a letter to the all-powerful Royal Child Protective Services (RCPS). RCPS took every complaint seriously and an RCPS officer, accompanied by an armed soldier, would make it clear to parents that such barbaric practices would never be tolerated. And every RCPS officer spoke with the authority of the Queen.

  Parents were taught that they should control their child's behavior with "appropriate non-physical discipline." This meant rewards for appropriate behavior and denial of privileges or time outs for behavior that was not. However, they were also told that they were not allowed to use any physical force on their child whatsoever. The only exceptions were if the child's life or heath was seriously endangered.

  For some reason, children did not appreciate the enlightened era in which they would spend their youth—at least not in the way their parents might have hoped. They instead came to the conclusion that they could pretty much do whatever they wanted. If their parents wanted a change in behavior, then they needed to provide something in return. If their parents were not forthcoming, the appropriate response was to provide a sufficient amount of grief to bring about the desired change in parental behavior. Older children, out of the goodness of their hearts, often helped their younger siblings perfect their negotiating skills.

  Many parents were unappreciative of these new modern rules to say the least! Some even doubted the wisdom of the Serpent. As problems with children and adolescents out of control became rampant, classes were established throughout Babylon so that parents could more effectively utilize the new modern forms of parenting. And they became well-attended. Some enlightened parents went voluntarily to improve their parenting skills. But many others went because they had no choice—they were ordered to the classes by RCPS. And parental grumbling could be heard throughout Babylon.

  The Queen herself tried the new parenting techniques. She prided herself in being an enlightened monarch and had a book of quotes from the Serpent which she studied every day. And she related to her children the wonderful wisdom which she had learned! She told them that she wanted them to behave because they wanted to, not because they had to. By choosing to behave responsibly, she explained, they would grow up to become responsible princes and princesses. And, because there would no longer be any physical punishment or coercion whatsoever, they would avoid the potential danger of growing up to become ax-murderers or other vile criminals.

  The royal children had always had privileges that commoners could only dream of. But now they had something new that they had never experienced before—their freedom! Slowly, but surely, they began breaking one rule after another. And the royal caretakers, as per the Queen's instructions, began imposing natural and logical consequences. Toys and jewelry were taken away, yacht trips were cancelled, the royal stables would no longer be available; one consequence after another. But these consequences did not bring about a return to consistent appropriate behavior, as before. Quite the opposite! Saying no to the Queen was a thrill all by itself. They could do something that no one else in Babylon would dare to even dream of. Who else was brave enough to say no to the Queen!

  When the royal prodigies told of their exploits, they became superheros in the eyes of their playmates. Every kid would listen in awe as they heard stories of their royal contemporaries who could do whatever they wanted in the palace. And stories of their exploits began to spread throughout Babylon.

  The Queen was not amused! But she was determined to respond appropriately and not to just react. She had her children professionally evaluated by Lord Cathryn, Dean of the School of Serpentology. Lord Cathryn diagnosed all with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. She complimented the Queen on the appropriate non-physical discipline in place and indicated that it may take some time for the princes and princesses to develop the 'self-will' to do the right thing. But, if such changes were not forthcoming, then family therapy would be needed.

  And this was said while the Queen was on her throne and in the full hearing of her entourage.

  The Queen was not pleased to say the least! Such was the look on her face that the Royal Executioner paid close attention, in case her services were needed. But the Queen, with a very stiff upper lip, simply thanked Lord Cathryn for her services and said that would be all for now.

  The Queen then summoned the royal children and laid down the law: "NOBODY defies the Queen! You kids are a royal pain in the . . . Since you apparently prefer traditional discipline, I will make sure you are not disappointed! However, you will keep this to yourselves."

  The Queen then instructed the caretakers to return to the old methods and to be sure to make up for lost time. These primitive techniques had the immediate and unfortunate effect of lowering very healthy royal self-esteem. But the children's clinical disorder did seem to disappear due to some mysterious process.

  When the royal prodigies went to play, all the kids—unaware of what had transpired—wanted to hear of the latest exploits of their superhero playmates. Not wanting to disappoint, they invented stories to the delight of their playmates.

  These made up stories got back to the Queen who was not amused. So she again summoned the children and said: "I've heard of the stories that you've been telling the other children. The caretakers have insisted that these stories are untrue. Even so, I do not believe that princes and princesses would lie. SO I WILL TAKE YOU AT YOUR WORD!"

  Ooch!

  The next day the royal children looked at their playmates with some suspicion. How did the Queen know? How could she possibly have found out? They had known each other for a very long time—some since they were in diapers. One kid after another said "I would never tell." And this was followed by "We would NEVER tell!" All the kids shook their heads with conviction. So how did the Queen find out? Everyone seemed perplexed.

&n
bsp; But the mystery was solved only a few days later when one little girl said without thinking: "We get paid to tell."

  It's an open question as to why the Queen would return to such primitive techniques when she had access to the best and brightest therapists available. Some might say that it was the Queen's pride that was the issue at hand. But others had noticed a subtle change in the Queen's perspective over the years as a result of her favorite brother's experience in therapy.

  The Queen's older brother had been in therapy for years with issues of anxiety and depression. He had seen five eminently qualified serpentologists. Each had a different take on her brother's problems and the scientifically appropriate course that therapy should take. But none of them were really able to help much. One, who described the therapeutic process as akin to the peeling an an onion, had made things worse—much worse.

  If the Queen's perspective had indeed changed, she kept it very much to herself. Palace officials continued to sing the praises of serpentology and such orthodoxy was not to be questioned.

  Meanwhile, there was something that was simply inexplicable that was the source of endless discussions everywhere: It had several years since the Serpent