Kinky Bones

by Al K. Line

  Hopefully she would stay forever, never leave her poor old dad.

  Sadly, she was growing older, was close to being a true woman in every sense, but for now, and maybe a few more years, she would remain with me, share my life and allow me to share hers.

  "Morning," I sang as I watched her slow, then release the reins to give the horse, a midnight black beast that looked like it belonged to the Devil himself, the chance to move at its own pace.

  "Morning, Dad. Where you been?"

  "Huh? I called you, told you."

  "Sorry, been a bit scatty lately."

  "Um, okay." She sounded weird, but I guess we all had things going on. "Had to go see Vicky. Someone, namely Ivan, played a nasty trick on us. It looked like they'd emptied the bank accounts so I spent the night there trying to get it sorted."

  "You mean you made the coffee while Vicky did all the work?" George said with a twinkle in her eye, and a smile.

  "Yeah, something like that," I grumbled.

  "You said Ivan did it? Why? How?"

  "That's the strange thing. He came to the house last night, said he did it to show us what we were up against, then Vicky threw him out and she got it sorted. But he called this morning, and acted like he knew nothing about it. Said he didn't do it, wasn't at the house yesterday. Dude's weird."

  "Maybe he's stressed with work. He's got a lot of responsibility now."

  "I don't care, that's his choice. He took on the role of heading up the vampires, and he bloody enjoys it anyway. Plus, he's got the old ones to run their business. He focuses on the gangster stuff like always. I don't know what's got into him. Maybe he's still pissed because I refuse to work for the vamps after all that crap with Mikalus."

  "Or maybe it was a cry for help. Maybe he wants to be close to you guys again. What was the job?"

  "Didn't ask. Hey, want some breakfast? We can eat together."

  "Sure, sounds good. I'll be in soon, just finish off here."

  "Okay, no problem." I put my arms out for a hug then checked to see none of George's girls were here to work. "All clear."

  "I'm not embarrassed to hug you if there's people around. Why should I be?"

  "Cause I'm old and wrinkly and look like a scarecrow but with a nice hat."

  "Haha, I'm used to it."

  We hugged. George smelled funny, different. Must be the horses and whatever she used to clean the stables out. It didn't matter, the hug made everything right in the world, and it was with a happy heart that I walked across the field to the house.

  After taking my boots off, I wandered down the hall, but stopped dead in my tracks as I heard a noise from the kitchen.

  Slowly, I crept forward, Wand at the ready. At the doorway to my uber amazing barn conversion that was now officially the best kitchen in the whole world, I gasped.

  "George?"

  George turned and smiled at me. She was in her pajamas, hair tousled, looking like she'd just got out of bed and was making her first cup of coffee of the day.

  "Morning. Fancy a coffee?"

  "Um, yeah, I think I'm gonna need it."

  Spinning Head

  I crept across the tiled floor, watching my reflection in the shiny black surface, feeling numb. Was I hallucinating? I did that sometimes when the insomnia got out of hand. That must be it. It had felt so real; we'd even hugged. Sitting at the table, I watched George shuffle about like she always did when she was up relatively early. She was hunched over, dragging her feet, performing tasks on auto-pilot, needing coffee to kickstart her day.

  She brought two mugs over, set them down, then sat.

  "Um, so you aren't out doing the horses then? You didn't do them then rush in and put your pj's back on?"

  "Huh?" George sipped her coffee, hardly listening to me. "Hey, where were you? Been out all night?"

  "Yeah, I already told you. Um, I was at Vicky's. Look, something odd is going on here."

  "Haha, isn't it always?"

  "No, I mean now. I just talked to you in the field."

  "Yesterday you mean?"

  "No, just now. And I've just come from Vicky's because someone hacked our accounts. Ugh, I've already told you all this. And I'm sure I called you to tell you where I was."

  "Nope, you didn't call. At least I don't think so. Sorry, the days blur. Tell me again. You're acting weirder than usual, you know that, right?" George put her mug down and stared at me. "You look awful too, super tired. You want to have a lie down?"

  "In a minute." I went on to explain what had happened with the money and Ivan, and seeing her outside. Obviously, the two were connected. What I didn't think to do was go outside and take another look. I needed coffee for that. And I had the feeling the other George would be long gone. Plus, well, she couldn't have been there. Magic was afoot, spells to make us see people who weren't there. Or something else I couldn't think of right now.

  "Wait here," said George after I'd finished. Before I could muster the energy to stop her, she was gone.

  I sighed deeply then rested my head on the table, too tired to bother using my neck to hold it in place.

  "Dad! Dad!"

  "Huh?" I jerked awake to find George shaking my shoulder and leaning over to stare at me.

  "There's nothing there. Nobody about. But Satan was sweaty, so he's definitely been out. You weren't imagining it, someone's been here."

  "Goddamn! Okay, so somebody stole our cash, pretended to be Ivan, said we had to do a job for him, now they turn up here. What's the game plan?" I rubbed at my face, trying to get some clarity, but I was too befuddled.

  "I guess they hoped that you'd say yes yesterday and go along with whatever it was. Keep pretending to be Ivan. Maybe they don't know all the history."

  "Or maybe they do and that's why they chose Ivan to impersonate."

  "Maybe."

  "But why be you? How did they know I'd be here when I was?" That was worrying. I'd used the Teleron, so it wasn't like I could have been followed and they'd know when I was arriving.

  "Maybe they're just screwing with you now? Maybe they know they've blown their cover, after you spoke to Ivan this morning."

  "Maybe. Ugh, be careful today, okay? Don't believe anything you see, and don't—"

  "Don't trust the buggers. I know. Same old, same old."

  "That's my girl."

  And with that, I drained my coffee, forgot all about breakfast, and staggered up the stairs then collapsed on my bed.

  I lay there with my hands laced behind my head, attempting to understand this unwelcome intrusion into my life. Things had been relatively quiet for a few months, no drama after the kidnappings, and it had been nice. Easy.

  Such is the life of a wizard though. If you aren't making the trouble yourself, someone else will make it for you.

  Could be worse. I just wasn't sure how.

  Weird Goings On

  You know when you wake up and feel like something's wrong? Almost as though you're misplaced, out of the loop somehow? Just an uneasy feeling in your belly, your body aware of something you aren't?

  No? Maybe it's just me then.

  That's how I felt as I opened my eyes cautiously, like there was something terribly amiss. My stomach churned, my body ached like I had the flu, and something was screaming at the back of my mind but I couldn't figure out what. Clearly my senses were more aware than my head, as I'd picked up on something and it had brought me out of a fitful slumber.

  Glancing at the clock, I noted with dismay that it was only eleven in the morning. Guess this was all the rest I'd get for the day. The Hat's peace was well and truly shattered. Still dressed, I got up and decided to ignore the warnings until I was at least semi-conscious. I relieved myself in the bathroom—even wizards in stories of their own telling need to pee—scowled at myself in the mirror, then stripped off and showered, letting the hot water turn my skin pink, wash away the tiredness, and ease my aching bones.

  Refreshed, unsullied of body if not soul, I dressed in clean clothes and wandered
downstairs.

  There was nobody about, and I somehow knew George was fine, but I couldn't shake the feeling of something being wrong, like a brick in the pit of my stomach. Coffee made, I pulled aside the glass doors at the far end of my awesome kitchen, glanced around just to admire the huge island, the worktop running the whole length of the converted barn, the awesome tap, the fact it was clean and tidy, the old wooden beams that gave it a homely yet very stylish look, then stepped outside into the frigid late morning air.

  I sipped the scalding coffee and stared at the woman standing at the bottom of the lawn, my guts relaxing, telling me this was the reason I was so edgy. She was too far away to make out properly, but she had a shock of pink hair cut into a bob, and by the looks of it was keen on leather and exposing her flesh no matter the weather.

  Whoever she was, this woman was the cause of the recent upset, so I ignored her and drank my coffee. Never chase trouble, it'll find you soon enough.

  And it did.

  As I drank, and watched her silently, she turned from staring at the fields beyond where sheep grazed contentedly, and faced me. She wasn't surprised; she knew I was here. With a nod, she wandered casually up the garden as if she'd been invited and we were old friends.

  As she got close I made out more detail. She was neither skinny nor fat, just a tad on the curvaceous side, with a sexy walk and a deep-seated self-confidence. She wore your typical alternative gear. Heavy on jewelery and ear piercings, leather trousers, Doctor Martens, and a leather waistcoat over a tight vest full of holes.

  Late twenties by the looks of her, caught in a student attire time warp she would probably now remain in. But all that was just superficial, everyone was part of one group or another regards their dress, it was merely a way of reflecting your stance with the world and how you approached it. She wasn't a citizen, wouldn't conform, and you had to admire that.

  Plus, she was obviously a witch, and witches are rare in these here parts. There was George, her teacher, and not many others. Rural villages on the coast aren't known for attracting magic users, which was exactly why I had chosen it as a place to live.

  "Hey," she said brightly as she stopped several feet in front of me.

  "Hey," I replied, watching her carefully as I gulped coffee.

  She stood, relaxed, smiling a little, waiting.

  Two could play at that game, so I continued drinking, and tried not to shiver with the cold.

  Cryptic Bullshit

  The girl studied me casually, as though she were watching a TV program she was only half interested in. She was utterly chilled, and I half expected her to yawn. As I sipped my coffee slowly, just to have something to do and to hide my smile at this show of forced calm, she remained focused on me. She was certainly confident, and I could sense the power inside her, what she was capable of. I gotta say, I was impressed.

  But for all her bravado, it was just that, an act. She may have been sure of herself, but studied disinterest was for show. She was dying to talk, and I could tell she would be a blabbermouth once she got going. It was almost like a pressure cooker ready to blow a gasket and let forth a torrent of chatter. She reminded me of someone. A tiny person with a mouth too big for her face. Vicky and her would either love or hate each other.

  "What you smiling at?" she asked, as I couldn't hide my grin at the thought of the two of them trying to get a word in edge ways when locked in a room together.

  "Oh, just thinking about someone."

  "Ah, the badly dressed tiny person?"

  "Actually, yes," I said, surprised.

  "She's your partner."

  "No, she's my annoying sidekick. The comedy, the light relief. The one that screws things up and almost gets us killed."

  "But she got you out of this latest mess, right?" The girl, although I suppose she was a woman, cocked her head to one side like a bird listening for danger.

  "She did. But it damaged her. Whoever pulled this crap," I paused to stare at her hard and show my disapproval, "harmed my friend. Vicky has, er, issues, and stressing about money, meaning, her children and their future, sends her spiraling. Believing her brother would treat her like that, do her harm in such a mean, nasty way, drove her close to the edge. Not nice at all. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I'm royally pissed off with the joker who dared put a friend of mine at risk."

  "Oh, um, that's terrible. I, er, I'd have thought she would have enjoyed the challenge, found it exciting. Someone to pit her wits against, that kind of thing. I'm sure whoever did it, they didn't mean for her to make herself ill, or worry about her children. Maybe they thought seeing her brother, thinking he was involved, was a good idea and it would get her and you to perform a little job for them. Whoever they are. I'm sure they didn't mean to upset anyone, just wanted to show that they were capable, that they could help."

  "Is that right?" I copied her movement, cocked my own head to the side, tilted Grace back so this woman could see my eyes. I was not a happy camper, and she knew it.

  "Um, yes."

  The cool exterior was crumbling, and her eyes shifted, breaking our gaze. She'd got it all wrong, that was obvious, and was now realizing that The Hat was not impressed with someone screwing with his finances and upsetting his sidekick, let alone involving the most powerful gangster in the country who happened to be a vampire.

  Then it hit me. If she'd impersonated, or had someone else, impersonate Ivan, she knew a lot about him. Not that his vampire status and the extent of his criminal enterprise was a secret in the magical underworld, but still, the conversation with him proved she knew plenty. She had the advantage, and that wasn't good.

  I continued to stare at her, wondering what she wanted, why she'd gone to this much bother to get my attention. She could have just got in touch via the usual channels if she had a job. But then, I turned down most work, was selective, so maybe she thought this would help. It had certainly put her on my radar.

  "Tell me," I said, and she snapped to attention.

  "Yeah?"

  "Is there any reason why I shouldn't just kill you right now? Do you think impersonating Ivan, or my goddamn daughter, was a good idea?" I shouted, and she jumped back, eyes wide, looking if not scared then certainly shocked and a little worried.

  "What!?"

  "My fucking daughter. You dare play games with me? You pretended to be my daughter, at my home. This is where I live, with George. You have no right to come here and trick me. I've killed people, men and women both, for insulting my friends and family yet you think you're better than that? That you can play your games and screw with those I love and not reap the consequences? You want to play games, little girl? I'll show you things you couldn't even dream of. You do not fuck with my family. Understand?"

  Wand was out of my pocket and flaring dully at the tip as I loomed forward, putting on my best scowl and furrowing my brow to look extra old and wizardly. My heart wasn't in it, but I think the drama paid off and she was convinced. Truth be told, I just wanted to go back to bed and cry into a cold pillow.

  "She looks nice," said Wand.

  I just grunted in reply.

  "Be a shame to blast her to goo, but if you're sure?" Wand flared bright purple, not his usual color but it was more dramatic and looked pretty cool.

  "I'm sure," I grumbled in my best pissed off wizard voice.

  "Wait, wait," screeched the no longer brimming with confidence young witch.

  "You," she pointed at Wand, "don't need to blast me. I just wanted to offer your master a job. Please, wait a minute, okay?"

  "Nah, I'm gonna blast her," said Wand, sounding extremely happy about the whole thing.

  "Oi, talk to me, not him. I have a job, an important job, please, just wait."

  The sigils flared down Wand's length. He was doing great playing along with this, although a small part of me really did want to blast her for what she'd done. "You can hear Wand?"

  "Huh? Yeah, sure. Sentient wizard wand, of course I can hear him."

  "That'
s quite unusual. Not many magic users can hear him. He's linked to me."

  "Like a familiar. I know. Got one of my own. I told you, I'm pretty good, and I'm sorry for messing you about. Not my usual style. Thought doing something cool and being all menacing would make you want in. Guess I blew it." Her whole demeanor changed. Gone was the cocky witch who had the upper hand, in her place was a woman who was certainly confident, but who also knew she was out of her depth.

  "Go away," I said with a sigh. "I'm not in the mood for juvenile games. Don't mess with me again, or Wand really will blast you. Now, bugger off."

  I turned and walked back towards the kitchen.

  "Hey, if you change your mind, meet me tonight at Inferno."

  "I said go away." I closed the glass doors behind me and didn't turn around to look. She was gone, and good riddance.

  Too Old for This

  It was bloody freezing, and we both had our coats wrapped tight to keep out the autumn chill. Seemed we were the only ones though, as everyone else was either unaware it was frosty verging on glacial or had forgotten to bring anything to keep warm.

  The line to get into the club was long although moving at an okay pace, but it would still be ages before we got in. Kids chatted excitedly, immune to the weather, older men and women conversed quietly, although several were obviously off their heads on one chemical compound or another and were either in semi-comas or more animated and excited about being out than the youngsters.

  "Right, that's it," I grumbled after getting knocked in the back by some numnuts in a ripped t-shirt and a kilt. Yeah, a guy.

  "Arthur, where are you going?" asked Vicky as she stepped out of the line and followed me.