We Need to Talk About Kevin

by Lionel Shriver

  On the other side of the desk was seated, I could only assume, Vicki Pagorski.

  So much for the powers of adolescent description. She was hardly a hag; I doubt she was even thirty. I would never have depicted her breasts as large or her keister as wide, for she had the agreeably solid figure of a woman w h o ate her Wheaties.

  Attractive? Hard to say. With that snub nose and freckles, she had a lost, girlish, innocent look that some m e n like. T h e drab dun suit was doubtless donned for the event; her friend Dana R o c c o would have counseled against tight jeans and a low-cut shirt. But it's too bad she hadn't done anything about her hair, which was thick and kinky; it frizzed from her head in all directions and suggested a ditzy, frazzled state of mind. T h e glasses, too, were unfortunate: The round oversized frames gave her a pop-eyed appearance, inducing the impression of dumb shock. Hands twisting in her lap, knees locked tightly together under the straight wool skirt, she reminded me a bit of let-us-call-her-Alice at that eighth-grade dance immediately after Kevin whispered I-didn't-want-to-know.

  W h e n the chairman of the school board, Alan Strickland, called the little group to order, the room was already unpleasantly quiet. Strickland said that they hoped to clear up these allegations one way or the other without landing this business in court. He talked about how seriously the board took this sort of thing and blathered on about teaching and trust. He emphasized that he didn't want anything we said that evening leaving this room until the board decided what action to take, if any; the stenographer was taking notes for internal purposes only. Belying the rhetoric of informal chitchat, he explained that Miss Pagorski had declined to ask her attorney to be present. A n d then he asked Kevin to have a seat in the chair placed in front of the teacher's desk and to just tell us in his o w n words what happened that afternoon in O c t o b e r in Miss Pagorski's classroom.

  Kevin, too, recognized the importance of costuming, and for once was wearing plain slacks and a b u t t o n - d o w n of the customary size. On command, he assumed the shuffling, averted-eye squirm that he'd practiced in the archway of our den. "You mean, like, that time she asked me to stay after school, right?"

  "I never asked him to stay after school," Pagorski blurted. H e r voice was shaky but surprisingly forceful.

  "You'll get your chance, Miss Pagorski," said Strickland. "For n o w we're going to hear Kevin's side of things, all right?" He clearly wanted this hearing to proceed calmly and civilly, and I thought, good luck.

  "I don't know," said Kevin, ducking and weaving his head. "It just got kinda intimate, you know? I wasn't gonna say anything or anything, but then my dad started asking questions and I like, told him."

  "Told him about what?" Strickland asked gendy.

  "You k n o w — w h a t I told Mr. Bevons about, too, before."

  Kevin sandwiched his hands between his thighs and looked at the floor.

  "Kevin, I realize this is difficult for you, but we're going to need details.Your teacher's career is on the line."

  Kevin looked to you. "Dad, do I have to?"

  "Afraid so, Kev," you said.

  "Well, Miss Pagorski's always been nice to me, Mr. Strickland.

  Real nice. Always asking did I need help choosing a scene or could she read the other part so I could m e m o r i z e m i n e . . . A n d I've never t h o u g h t I was all that good, b u t she'd say I was a great actor and she loved my 'dramatic face' and my 'tight build' and with my looks I could be in the movies. I don't k n o w about that. Still, I sure wouldn't want to get her in trouble."

  "You leave that to us, Kevin, and just tell us what happened."

  "See, she'd asked me several times if I could stay after school so she could coach me on my delivery, but before I'd always said I couldn't. Actually, I could, most days, I mean, I didn't have anything I had to do or anything, but I just didn't—I felt f u n n y about it. I don't k n o w why, it just felt kinda weird w h e n she'd pull me over to her desk after class and, like, pick off little pieces of hnt on my shirt that I wasn't sure were really there. Or she'd take the flap of my belt and tuck it back in the loop?"

  "Since w h e n has Kevin ever w o r n a belt?" I whispered. You shushed me quiet.

  " — B u t this one time she was real insistent, almost hke I had to, like it was part of class work or something. I didn't want to go—I told you, I don't k n o w why exactly, I just didn't—-but it seemed hke this time I didn't have any choice."

  Most of this was addressed to the linoleum, but Kevin would shoot quick glances at Strickland from time to time, and Strickland would n o d reassuringly.

  "So I waited around till 4 o'clock, since she said she had stuff to do right after the bell, and by then there wasn't hardly anybody around anymore. I walked into her classroom, and I thought it was kinda strange that she'd changed clothes since our f o u r t h -

  period class. I mean, just the shirt, but n o w it was one of those stretchy T s that are scooped low and it was clingy enough I could see her—you know."

  " H e r what?"

  " H e r . . .nipples," said Kevin. "So I said,'You want me to go though my monologue?' and she got up and closed the door. A n d she locked it. She said, "We need a little privacy, don't we?" I said, actually, I didn't mind the air. T h e n I asked should I start at the top, and she said,'First we've got to work on that posture of yours.'

  She said I've got to learn to speak from the diaphragm, right here, and she put her hand on my chest and she left it there. T h e n she

  — 3 9 6 —

  said, and you've got to stand up real straight, and she put her other hand on my lower back and pressed and sort of smoothed around. I sure did stand up straight. I remember holding my breath, hke. Since I was nervous. T h e n I started my monologue from Equus—actually, I'd wanted to do Shakespeare, you know?

  That to be or not to be thing. I thought it was kinda cool."

  "In your own good time, son. But what happened next?"

  "I think she interrupted me after only two or three lines. She said, 'You have to remember that this play is all about sex! She said, ' W h e n he blinds those horses, it's an erotic act! A n d then she started asking if I've ever seen horses, big horses up close, not the hke, geldings, but stallions, and had I ever noticed what a big— I ' m sorry, do you want me to say what she really said, or should I just, you know, summarize?"

  "It would be better if you used her exact words, as well as you can remember."

  "Okay, you asked for it." Kevin inhaled."She wanted to k n o w if I'd ever seen a horse's cock. H o w big it was. And all this time I ' m feeling kinda—funny. Like, resdess. And she put her hand on my, uh. Fly. Of my jeans. And I was pretty embarrassed, because with all that talk, I'd got.. .a little worked up."

  "You mean you had an erection," said Strickland sternly.

  "Look, do I have to go on?" Kevin appealed.

  "If you can, it would be better if you finished the story."

  Kevin glanced at the ceiling and crossed his legs tightly, tapping the toe of his right sneaker in an agitated, irregular rhythm against the toe of the left. "So I said, 'Miss Pagorski maybe we should work on this scene some other time, 'cause I've got to go soon.'

  I wasn't sure whether to say anything about her hand, so I just kept saying that maybe we should stop, that I wanted to stop, that I should go now. 'Cause it didn't seem right, and, you know, I like her, but not like that. She could be my m o t h e r or something."

  "Let's be clear here," said Strickland. "Legally, it's only so important, because you're a minor. But on top of the fact that you're only fifteen, these were unwanted advances, is this correct?"

  — 3 9 7 —

  "Well, yeah. She's ugly."

  Pagorski flinched. It was the brief, floppy little jerk you get w h e n you keep shooting a small animal with a high-caliber pistol and it's already dead.

  "So did she stop?" asked Strickland.

  " N o , sir. She started rubbing up and d o w n through my jeans, all the while saying,'Jesus'...Say
ing, and I really apologize Mr.

  Strickland but you asked m e . . . S h e said every time she saw a horse's cock she 'wanted to suck it.'And that's w h e n I — "

  "Ejaculated."

  Kevin dropping his head to look at his lap. "Yeah. It was kind of a mess. I just ran out. I skipped class a couple of times after that, but then I came back and tried to act as if nothing happened since I didn't want to wreck my grade-point average."

  " H o w ? " I m u r m u r e d under my breath. "By getting another B?"You shot me a glare.

  "I k n o w this hasn't been easy for you, and we want to thank you, Kevin, for being so forthcoming.You can take a seat now."

  " C o u l d I go sit with my parents?" he implored.

  " W h y don't you sit over there with the other boys for now, because we might need to ask you a few m o r e questions. I ' m sure your parents are very proud of you."

  Kevin hove back to his original perch, curling with a tinge of shame— nice touch. Meanwhile, the classroom was pin-drop silent, as parents met one another's eyes and shook their heads.

  It was a bravura performance. I cannot pretend that I was not impressed.

  But then I looked to Vicki Pagorski. Early in Kevin's testimony she'd emitted the odd repressed squeal, or she'd dropped her m o u t h open. But by the time it was over she was beyond histrionics, and this was a drama teacher. She was drooped so bonelessly in her folding chair that I feared she would fall off, while the frizz of her hair evanesced into the air as if her whole head were in a state of dissolve.

  Strickland turned to the drama teacher's chair, though he kept his distance. "Now, Miss Pagorski. It's your contention that this encounter never happened?"

  "That's—." She had to clear her throat. "That's right."

  " D o you have any idea why Kevin would tell such a story if it wasn't true?"

  " N o , I don't. I can't understand it. Kevin's class is an unusually talented group, and I thought we'd been having a lot of fun. I've given him plenty of individual attention—"

  "It's the individual attention he seems to have a problem with."

  "I give all my students individual attention!"

  " O h , Miss Pagorski, let's hope not," Strickland said sorrowfully.

  O u r small audience chuckled."Now, you claim you didn't invite Kevin to stay after school?"

  " N o t separately. I told the whole class that if they want to use my classroom to practice their scenes after school, I'd make it available."

  "So you did invite Kevin to stay after school, then."As Pagorski sputtered, Strickland proceeded, "Have you ever admired Kevin's looks?"

  "I may have said something about his having very striking features, yes. I try to instill confidence in my students—"

  " H o w about this 'speaking from the diaphragm.' Did you say that?"

  "Well, yes—-"

  " A n d have you put your hand on his chest, to indicate where the diaphragm is?"

  "Maybe, but I never touched him o n — "

  " O r on his lower back, w h e n 'improving' his posture?"

  "Possibly. He has a tendency to slump, and it ruins his—"

  " W h a t about the selection from Equus? D i d Kevin choose this passage?"

  "I recommended it."

  " W h y not something from Our Town, or Neil Simon, a little less racy?"

  "I try to find plays that students can relate to, about things that are important to t h e m — "

  "Things like sex."

  "Well, yes, among other things, of course—." She was getting flustered.

  " D i d you describe the content of this play as 'erotic'?"

  "Maybe, probably, yes! I thought that drama about adolescent sexuality and its confusions would naturally appeal—"

  "Miss Pagorski, are you interested in adolescent sexuality?"

  "Well, w h o isn't?" she cried. Someone should have given the p o o r w o m a n a shovel, so intent was she on digging her o w n grave. "But Equus isn't steamy and explicit, it's all symbolism—"

  "Symbolism you were eager to explain. A n d did you talk about horses to Kevin?"

  " O f course, the play—"

  " D i d you talk about stallions, Miss Pagorski."

  "Well, we did discuss what made t h e m such c o m m o n symbols of virility—"

  "And what does make them 'virile'?"

  "Well, they're muscular and very beautiful and powerful, sleek—"

  "Just like teenage boys," Strickland noted sardonically. " D i d you ever draw attention to a horse's penis. To its size?"

  "Maybe; h o w could you ignore it? B u t I never said—"

  "Some people can't ignore it, apparently."

  "You don't understand! These are young people and they're easily bored. I have to do something to get t h e m excited!"

  Strickland just let that one sit there for a beat. "Yes, well," he said. "You seem to have succeeded there."

  Deathly pale, Pagorski turned to our son. " W h a t did I ever do to you?"

  "That's just what we're trying to find out," Strickland intervened. "But we've got more testimony to get through, and you'll have opportunity to respond. Leonard Pugh?"

  Lenny m u r m u r e d to Kevin before sauntering to the center chair. Surely at any m o m e n t one of the boys would start writhing in agony because Goody Pagorski was smiting t h e m with evil spirits.

  " N o w Leonard, you, too, m e t with your drama teacher after school?"

  "Yeah, she seemed real hot to have a conference," said Lenny, with his poo-making smile. His nose stud was infected again, the left nostril red and puffy. He'd recently gotten a fade, w h i c h was neo-Nazi short with the letter Z shaved into one side. W h e n I'd asked h i m what the Z stood for, he'd said, Whatever, w h i c h I'd been forced to point out began with a W.

  " C a n you tell us what happened?"

  "It was just hke Kevin said. I thought we was just gonna practice and shit. A n d I come in the r o o m and she like, shuts the door? She's wearing this really short skirt, you know, you can almost see her cheeks." Lenny mugged a bit.

  "And did you practice your work for class?" asked Strickland, though coaching proved quite unnecessary. More, detail proved Lenny's strong suit.

  "We sure practiced something!" said Lenny. "She said, 'I've been watching you in the back row, w h e n I ' m sitting at my desk?

  A n d some afternoons I get so wet I have to do myself in class!'"

  Strickland looked a litde queasy. " D i d Miss Pagorski do anything that you thought was inappropriate?"

  "Well then she hke, sits on the edge of her desk? W i t h her legs spread wide open. So I go up to the desk, and I can see she's not wearing panties. It's hke, this, wide open beaver, you know? All red and hairy, and it's just, you know, dripping—"

  "Leonard, let's just get the facts—." Strickland was massaging his forehead. Meanwhile, chalk-stripe was twisting his tie; the redhead had her face in her hands.

  "So she says, 'You want some? 'Cause I look at that bulge in your pants, and I can't keep my hands off my pussy—"'

  " C o u l d you please watch your language—!" said Strickland, making desperate slashing motions at the stenographer.

  — 401 —

  " — S o if you don't do me right now, I ' m gonna shove this eraser in my hole and bring myself o f f ! ' "

  "Leonard, that's e n o u g h — "

  "Girls around here are pretty tight with it, so I wasn't about to pass on free pussy. So I did her, right on the desk, and you shoulda heard her begging to let her suck i t — "

  "Leonard, take your seat right now."

  Well, wasn't it awkward. Lenny shambled back to his chair, and Strickland announced that the board had heard enough for one night, and he thanked everyone for coming. He repeated his admonition that we not spread rumors until a decision had been made. We would be notified if any action would be taken on this case.

  After the three of us had climbed into your 4x4 in silence, you finally said to Kevin, "You know, that friend of
yours made you look like a liar."

  "Moron," Kevin grumbled. "I should never have told him about what happened with Pagorski. He copies me in everything.

  I guess I just needed to tell somebody."

  " W h y didn't you come straight to me?" you asked.

  "It was gross!" he said, bunched in the back seat."That whole thing back there was totally embarrassing. I should never have told anybody.You shouldn'ta made me do that."

  " O n the contrary. "You twisted around the headrest. "Kevin, if you have a teacher whose behavior is out of bounds, I want to k n o w about it, and I want the school to k n o w about it.You have nothing to be ashamed of. Except possibly your choice of friends.

  Lenny is something of a fabulist. Litde distance might be in order there, sport."

  "Yeah," said Kevin. "Like to China!'

  I don't think I said a word the whole drive back. W h e n we got h o m e I left it to you to thank R o b e r t for getting Celia, amazingly, to go to sleep without a forty-five-minute tucking-in from her mother. I was reluctant .to open my m o u t h even a litde

  — 4 0 2 —

  bit, m u c h as one might hesitate to put even a very small hole in an inflated balloon.

  "Kev.Triskets?" you offered w h e n R o b e r t had left. "Sodium City, man."

  " N a h . I ' m going to my room. I'll come out w h e n I can show my face again. Like in about fifty years." He m o p e d off. Unlike the stagy melancholy of the weeks to come, he seemed truly glum. He seemed to be suffering the hngering sense of injustice that would attend a tennis player w h o had valiantly distinguished himself in a game of doubles but whose partner had muffed it, so they lost the match.

  You busied yourself putting stray dishes in the washer. Every piece of silverware seemed to make an extraordinary a m o u n t of noise.

  "Glass of wine?"

  I shook my head.You looked over sharply; I would always have a glass or two before bed, and it had been a stressful evening. But it would turn to vinegar on my tongue. And I still couldn't open my mouth. I knew we had been here before. Yet I finally apprehended that we couldn't keep visiting this place—or rather, these places; that is, we could not indefinitely occupy parallel universes of such diametrical characters without eventually inhabiting different places in the most down to earth, literal sense.