by Cate Beauman
She found herself blinking back tears when she reached the beach access, positive now that it was indeed Cade in the sand with his T-shirt billowing in the wind as he sat with his elbows resting on his knees. He was supposed to have been different. He’d assured her that the complications of her life didn’t bother him—that she and Kaitlyn were the best things that had ever happened to him.
Apparently, he’d changed his mind, which shattered her heart. But she would deal with it. Narrowing her eyes, spoiling for a fight, she stopped next to him. “Wow. It looks like a busy night.”
He said nothing as he stared out at the water.
The silent treatment didn’t work for her. “If you didn’t want to go tonight, that’s all you had to say. If this isn’t working for you, do us both a favor and say that, too.”
He let his head hang as he shook it. “I tried, Gwen. I tried for you—to make today a normal day. But it’s not.”
She snapped her shoulders straight, hearing the anguish in his voice, refusing to bend. Because if experience had taught her anything, it was that there was always an excuse. “And why isn’t today a normal day?”
“Cadence. It was today. Three years ago.” His gaze finally met hers, the pain radiating in his eyes destroying her.
“Oh God, Cade.” She set the car seat down, falling to her knees, wrapping him up tightly in a hug. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He shook his head as tears rolled down his cheeks. “Because when I talk about it, I can’t pretend it’s not real.”
“Cade,” she whispered, moving to settle herself on his lap—to hold him hard and do her best to cocoon him. He was such a big, powerful man, but tonight, he was as vulnerable and defenseless as Kaitlyn.
He returned her embrace, gripping her as if his life depended on it. “I’ve been dreaming about her lately. I always do when the day starts getting closer. But last night…” His voice broke. “Last night was so vivid and real. She was healthy and beautiful and vibrant. When I woke up and remembered, she died all over again.”
Closing her eyes, she kissed his temple. “I’m so sorry.”
“Today was a nightmare—so much the same.”
She slid her fingers through his hair, desperate to soothe. “What do you mean?”
“It was like a cruel joke: hot as fuck, me smiling and pretending that I was okay when my stomach was mostly sick. There was even a fucking ribbon cutting.”
She still didn’t understand, but she let him talk, knowing that he needed to say whatever he needed to say to express his grief.
“She was dying. Suffering. The tumor was relentless—robbing her of so much so quickly. The headaches and nausea brought her to her knees. And the seizures—they were so fucking ruthless.” He shook his head again. “All I could do was watch her get worse.”
She’d never been so sad—felt someone else’s pain as deeply as she felt Cade’s. “That must have been awful.”
“It was torture. I’ve never felt so helpless—so useless. When we ran out of options—when there was no hope for a different outcome, Cadence decided she wanted to explore death with dignity.”
Gwen nodded, nestling her head in the nook of his neck, yearning to take away his agony.
“My family and I took her to Oregon—to the lake house my parents own, so Cadence would have access to the life-ending medications she would need to die on her own terms. She was running out of time—getting worse every day—but she asked me to go to Texas anyway.” He clenched his jaw, fisting his hands as more tears began to fall. “I’ll never forgive myself for going. I’ll never regret anything more.”
She wiped away each drop, kissing his cheek.
He rested his forehead against her temple, taking several shuddering breaths. “Cadence wanted me to cut the ribbon at the last project she and I had worked on together—a final celebration of the Dynamic Duo, she said. After the ceremony, I wanted to get to the airport and get back to Oregon as quickly as possible, but there was a voicemail waiting for me when I got to my truck.” He held up a phone Gwen didn’t recognize as his current cell phone. “I keep this in the safe because I’m too afraid I’ll lose it. I pay for service because I want to know I can hear her.”
He retrieved a message, turning it up, playing it for Gwen.
She hugged him tighter, weeping quietly, listening to the familiar Aussie accent coming from a gentle female voice as a loving, devoted sister said her final goodbyes to her brother.
His shoulders shook as he swore. “She was supposed to wait for me, Gwen. She was supposed to let me say goodbye. I entered the world nine minutes before her; I should have been holding her hand when she left it.”
She wiped away more of his tears, then her own. “What can I do? How can I help you?”
He shrugged. “You can’t bring her back, so I’m not sure.”
She stared at the exhausted, broken man she adored, needing to be everything that he’d been to her—to be even more. She certainly couldn’t bring his sister back, but she could be his comfort and support during an awful time. “Come on,” she said, gaining her feet, keeping his hand in hers. “Let’s go home and go to bed. We can talk if you want, or you can try to get some sleep.”
“Are you sure?”
She was positive she wasn’t leaving him here like this. “I am.”
He stood, grabbing Kaitlyn’s carrier, lacing his fingers with Gwen’s on their walk to Carter House.
Chapter 20
Cade slid his hand up and down Gwen’s back as they held each other close in the dark. Today had been excruciating—as bad as the last two years, if not worse. The saying that time heals all wounds was absolute bullshit. There were some things you just didn’t get over. But being here like this with Gwen—feeling her compassion and support—was the first time he’d found any sort of peace. They lay tangled together in her bed—him in his boxers and her in a snug white tank top and skimpy panties. On any other night, their skin-to-skin contact and lack of clothing would have been tempting.
Tonight, it was cozy and comforting.
“How are you doing?” she whispered with her cheek snuggled in the crook of his shoulder.
His hand stopped on her hip. “I thought you were asleep.”
She smiled, lifting her head as she rested her arms on his chest. “Not yet.” She kissed his chin. “I was waiting for you to fall asleep first, so I know you can rest—that you’re okay.”
“I’m doing all right.” He sent her a small smile, moving his hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. Somehow, she was even more stunning as he held her gaze in the shadows. “Thank you for being here for me like this.”
“I want to be.”
“It means everything, Gwen.”
Her lips curved again as she settled more of her weight on him, caressing her fingers along his jaw. “Will you tell me something about Cadence? Something that makes you laugh? If I were gone, I would want Nate and Molly to smile when they thought of me—to be happy.”
He didn’t usually talk about his sister. It hurt too damn much. But with Gwen, he wanted to share the person he’d loved most in the world. “There are so many good memories. Cadence Grace and Cade Robert. Dad dubbed us the Dynamic Duo somewhere along the way.” He smiled. “We were together nearly every day for thirty-one years. As kids, we were playmates. In middle and high school, we had the same group of friends. We sat together at lunch. She was involved in everything, but she came to every single one of my games, no matter what sport I was playing. In college, we bought a place up by UC Berkeley, so we could be housemates. Cadence was my best mate. Always.”
“That sounds pretty special.”
He nodded because it was impossible to explain their special bond to anyone. “She was the quieter one—smarter and more cautious.” He chuckled. “But she was a shark in business—so charming and unassuming. Then she’d go in for the kill, and they’d be goners before they knew they’d been fatally wounded. She was the best of both of us.”
&nb
sp; Gwen’s brow furrowed as she nibbled her lip in the way she did when she wanted to say something but didn’t.
“What?” he asked.
She shrugged. “I was thinking that you’re pretty amazing, too.”
He shook his head. “It’s not even close. She was better. And there are so many days when I’m so damn lost without her. I feel like a piece of me is missing.”
“Cade,” she whispered as her eyes filled. “If I’d known. If you had told me…”
It touched him that she felt his loss so deeply. “I wasn’t ready.”
She nodded.
He pulled her closer, needing her to understand. “The last couple of years have been rough—the toughest of my life. When Cadence passed, I couldn’t deal with it, so I shut myself off. I lost it for a while—resigned from my position at Paxton Enterprises, drank more than I should have, started up with the extreme sports. I was jumping out of planes, hurling myself off of cliffs, cave diving—a whole bunch of crazy, self-destructive shit. But it was a fin chop that snapped me out of the worst of it.”
She frowned. “A fin chop?”
He nodded. “The fin of one of my mate’s surfboards took a chunk out of me.” He pulled his leg out from beneath the covers, showing her the thick four-inch scar along his inner thigh.
She winced.
“It just missed my artery.” He held up his thumb and index finger to show her how close the call had been. “By the time I got back to shore, I’d lost a lot of blood. I don’t remember much of the ambulance ride to the hospital, but when I woke up from surgery, Mum was at my bedside. She begged me to stop—sobbed while she held my hand—so I did, because I knew that it would kill her if she lost another one of us. I also knew Cadence would have been disappointed—that I was supposed to be living my best life for the two of us, and I was fucking it all up.”
Her eyes were soft and full of understanding as she stroked her fingers along his skin. “What did you do after your recovery?”
“I went through the motions: got up every day, ate food because I had to, took on a couple of smaller projects for Paxton Enterprises. When I was steadier, I started working on getting my airline transport pilot license. My dad’s a pilot, too, so I’ve been flying longer than I’ve been driving. I was instrument rated not long after I turned seventeen and had my commercial license not too long after that. But I needed the advanced training to do what I’m doing now, which is what I’ve always wanted to do.”
She smiled. “Because you’re brave enough to go after everything you want.”
He returned her smile as Gwen repeated back his sister’s words. “Cadence would have liked you. You remind me of her a bit.”
She blinked. “I do?”
He nodded. “You’re a sweetheart, but you can hold your own, too. Cadence was never afraid to give me the business—just like you. She used to tell me that I needed someone strong who wouldn’t put up with my bullshit.”
Gwen batted her long lashes at him. “Then I guess I’ll have to ‘give you the business’ more often.”
He grinned. “What have I just done?”
She chuckled. “You’re in trouble now.”
“Don’t I know it.”
Her smile dimmed. “You can talk about her whenever you want—share memories. You can also tell me when you’re sad. I don’t want you to be sad alone, Cade. Not when I’m right here.”
He moved her so she lay on top of him, then rolled, wanting to feel her beneath him as he stared into her big blue eyes. “Do you remember when I told you that you and Kaitlyn are the best things that have ever happened to me?”
She nodded.
“It’s absolutely true.” He kissed her. “You’re the first time I’ve felt, Gwen. In three years, you’re the first person it’s been worth taking the risk for. You and Kaitlyn mean everything to me. I never want you questioning that.”
Sighing, she closed her eyes. “I’m sorry about earlier.”
He shook his head. “Don’t be.”
She locked her arms around the back of his neck. “I was way out of line, and I didn’t know it.”
“We both have ghosts that haunt us—pasts that will take us some time to move on from. But you’ll always know exactly where I stand. Today I did a poor job of showing you that.”
“It’s okay,” she whispered, pressing her lips to his for a quick kiss.
He moved in again, opening his mouth, meeting her tongue, savoring the feel of her hands wandering down the sides of his waist. He groaned, loving that she’d grown bolder over the last couple of weeks.
Time spun out as she cradled his cheeks, deepening the kiss further as she wrapped her leg around his waist, pushing them heat to heat.
“Gwen,” he murmured, hooking his arm beneath her knee, grinding himself against her, listening to her quiet whimpers as he nipped at her jaw, then kissed her neck before he eased back.
Holding his gaze, she slid her strap down.
Understanding what she offered, he kissed her shoulder, moving the strap back into place. “I want you. You have no idea how much. It just can’t be right now. Not tonight. Any other night but tonight.”
“When it’s right for both of us.”
“Will you let me hold you?”
She nodded.
He rolled to his back, pulling her against his side. “What do you say we try to catch some Z’s before Bug’s ready for her midnight snack?”
She smiled as she looked toward the monitor on the bedside table, where they could both see Kaitlyn sleeping in her crib. “I’m hoping she’ll stay asleep. She ate just before we came home from Nate’s, and she’s had a busy day.”
“So, let’s take advantage.” He closed his eyes as she wrapped her arm around his waist, then nestled her head in the crook of his shoulder again—something he could definitely get used to. “Good night, Gwen.”
She kissed his chest. “Night, Cade.”
Gwen blinked her eyes open at five thirty on the dot, listening to the waves crashing against the beach in the quiet. Not all that long ago, she’d slept until nine or ten on a Saturday morning, but over the last several months, she’d become accustomed to Kaitlyn’s insanely early wake-up calls. She glanced at the monitor, smiling at her sweet baby girl still asleep in her crib, then grinned as the weight of Cade’s arm hooked around her waist registered.
They’d had their sleepover—a little differently than either of them had planned—but falling asleep wrapped up in him had been a new and wonderful experience. During her married life, she would settle on her side of the king-size mattress and Liam on his. There were rarely late-night conversations. There was even less affection.
Biting her bottom lip, holding her breath, she carefully rolled over, not wanting to wake her super-sexy bedmate. She grinned again as Cade stared at her, his gorgeous green eyes sleepy, his short blond hair standing up in messy spikes. “Good morning.”
He returned her smile, pulling her closer, lifting his arm to nestle her against his side. “Good morning.”
Settling in, she exhaled a quiet sigh of contentment. “I’m sorry I woke you.”
“I’m not. I was mostly dozing in and out, anyway. I’m usually up by now.”
“It’s okay to be lazy on Saturdays.”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
Lifting her head, holding his gaze, she let herself touch him, tracing her fingers over the ridges of his fantastic pecs and powerful shoulders. “How are you feeling?”
“Relaxed.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “At peace.”
She nodded, loving that she’d been able to offer him comfort. He’d been there for her countless times. It felt good to return the favor. “I’m glad.” Her fingers gravitated toward his strong jaw, rough with morning scruff.
“I’m also feeling turned on, Gwen. Your fingers are pure torture.”
She snatched her hand back.
Chuckling, he moved quickly, settling his hard body on top of hers, pressing her into th
e mattress. “You can torture me anytime you want.”
She grinned. “That’s good to know.”
His eyes grew serious as he tucked her hair behind her ear. “Thank you for last night.”
“You’re welcome.”
He nuzzled her nose with his, then pressed a kiss to her lips. “I like being here with you like this.”
“I like it, too.”
He touched her tank top strap, kissing her again. “How do you feel about picking up where we left off?”
She swallowed, not feeling quite as brave as she had mere hours ago. “I feel like that makes me nervous.”
His brow furrowed. “I don’t want to rush you.”
She shook her head. “You’re not. I want you. I want this. But it’s been a long time—almost a year and a half.”
His lips skimmed her jaw. “So, we’ll go slow—take our time.”
She turned her head, glancing at the monitor again, checking on her daughter. “I don’t know that taking our time’s an option. She’ll be waking up any second now.”
“Let’s see where we end up.”
She nodded.
“Relax, Gwen,” he said as he brought his mouth back to hers. “And feel free to continue with your torture.”
Her grin was back as she let her hands wander down, her fingers brushing his waist. “You mean like this?”
“Mmm,” he answered, kissing the tip of her nose, her temples, her jaw.
She let her eyes close, tipping her head to give him access to her neck as she moved to his hips. “Or like this?”
“That’s a good start,” he murmured as his lips grazed her collarbone.
Growing bolder, she wandered to his firmly muscled butt. “And this?”