By the Creek

  Benjamin seemed to make a physical effort to steady himself. “Papa is making arrangements for me to be baptized in the church, and then I’ll have to take my place as an adult in the community. I’ll be expected to court and take a wife.” Benjamin sounded heartbroken. “I tried to tell him I didn’t feel like I was ready, but he wouldn’t hear it. I tried, Davey, I tried.” Benjamin continued shaking. “He says I’ve spent enough time on childish things and it’s time I commit to the community and our way of life. He says I’m an adult now and I need to contribute and live a proper life.”

  David stepped forward, gathering Benjamin into his arms. “It’s all right. It’ll be okay.”

  “How can it be? The thought of that life scares the stuffing out of me, and the thought of not being a part of the community, leaving everyone and everything I know behind, scares me just as much.” Benjamin shook as he told him, and David wondered if he was going to come apart in his arms. “I don’t want to be without you, but once I get baptized I’ll have even less freedom than I do now. Papa has been indulging me because of Rumspringa, but he isn’t going to continue to do that for much longer, and as long as I live with him and Mama, I’m subject to his rules.”

  “It’s okay,” David said as he rubbed Benjamin’s back. He comforted him as best he could, even though he didn’t believe a word of it. David had no idea how it could ever be all right. Benjamin would have to grow up and become an adult in the eyes of his family and people. His mother had been right, and David saw nothing in his or their future but heartache. “We’ll figure something out.” David closed his eyes, willing his brain to come up with some brilliant plan to spare Benjamin and himself the pain of permanent separation, but nothing came to mind.

  David continued comforting Benjamin, but nothing worked. Not that he’d expected it to, but he had to try. Benjamin shook more and more in his arms. Slowly, David moved them toward a flat rock and guided them down. “You have to decide what you want,” David said, knowing Benjamin could very well decide he didn’t want him.

  “I don’t know. I want things to remain the way they are. I want to be able to see you and I want to be a part of my family,” Benjamin said before steadying himself with deep breaths. “I know that isn’t possible, but it’s what I want.”

  “I know,” David murmured softly as every ounce of Benjamin’s pain stabbed his heart. David probably could have told Benjamin a bunch of platitudes, but instead he remained quiet, holding him close. What else could he do? Instinctually, he wanted Benjamin to be with him. “All I want is for you to be happy.” Benjamin met David’s gaze, water welling in his eyes. A tear ran down Benjamin’s cheek as he leaned closer and kissed David.

  Suddenly Benjamin was jerked out of his arms with a cry of surprise. David looked up and saw Mr. Killinger glaring at him without saying a word as he practically lifted Benjamin off the ground by his arm. “Papa, don’t,” Benjamin said, but his father shook him hard, dragging Benjamin away. David leaped to his feet, but the defeated, pleading, heartbreaking expression on Benjamin’s face stopped him in his tracks. “No, Papa,” Benjamin pleaded as he reached for David.

  “That’s enough. I knew you should keep away from English corruption,” Benjamin’s father growled, slapping Benjamin across the face and then backhanding him hard. Benjamin stumbled and blood trailed from his lip. “You’ve shamed us all,” his father yelled before once again yanking him along the path. David couldn’t move as he watched them turn the corner, and then Benjamin, his Benjamin, disappeared from sight.

  David watched and studied the space between the trees. Finally jumping to his feet, he took off after him, ready to do battle for Benjamin, but his legs collapsed from under him after only a few steps. The last glimpse he got of his love was between the trees, and for a fraction of a second their eyes met before Benjamin was gone.

  David didn’t move, his knees sinking into the mud for a long while. Then he slowly got up and made his way back to the clearing, where he collapsed onto the rock, his legs no longer able to hold him. Benjamin was out of his reach. They’d been discovered, and just like that, he was gone. His father would make sure Benjamin never went anywhere without supervision, and most certainly never came within a mile of him.

  David gasped as his heart broke in two with an almost physical pain. Closing his eyes, he waited for it to pass, the way pain usually did, but it continued to grow and intensify until his entire body shook and he could barely suck air into his lungs. Opening his eyes, he got some sort of control before testing his legs. When he was sure he could stand, he moved as quickly as he could to the log, crossed the stream, and then ran down the path before racing across the field, ignoring the mud as it sprayed up his back.

  He saw his mother’s car in the driveway and barely stopped to pull open the door to the house. David found her in the kitchen and clung to her. She dropped her purse, wrapping her arms around him. David felt her hand touch his head, and that broke the last of his control.

  “He’s gone, Mom,” David said, trying not to cry, but it was a futile effort, and he ended up breaking down into tears. He tried to tell her what had happened, but his throat wouldn’t work, and he gave up and gave in to the despair.

  “It’s okay, dear, it’ll be all right,” his mother soothed, but David shook his head. It would never be okay. Benjamin was gone, David was never going to see him again, and nothing was going to be okay. “You’ll see. Everything will work out.”

  “How can it?” David asked, finally able to talk, though tears continued streaming down his face. “Benjamin’s father hit him and dragged him away. He was bleeding,” David said dramatically. “He hit him and he was bleeding.” David swallowed and tried to suck air, but nothing would come. His mother patted him on the back, and David caught his breath.

  “You need to calm down,” his mother told him, and David shook his head again. “Breathe and relax,” she told him, and David tried to do what she told him. He concentrated on breathing as she led him to one of the kitchen chairs. “Calm down and tell me what happened,” his mother said evenly, and David nodded.

  In sputters and gasps, David managed to tell her the short story. “I love him, Mom, and he loves me. I know you think we’re too young, but I love him.”

  “I know you do. I could see it when the two of you were together. But you are young, and from two very different worlds.” His mother sighed softly. “I’d do anything to make the hurt go away, you know that.”

  “I know, and I know it isn’t going to go away for a long time.” David stood up and slowly made his way to his bedroom. He took off his muddy clothes, laying them in a pile before he pulled on sweats and a T-shirt and then flopped down on the bed and buried his head in the pillow.

  His phone rang and he tried to ignore it, but answered finally when the buzzing got to him. “Yeah.” David didn’t even open his eyes.

  “It’s Lynn.”

  “Oh,” David said with no energy.

  “What happened?” she asked in a rush, and David tried to answer, but the words wouldn’t come out. “I’m on my way over.” The line went silent and David set down the phone.

  The next thing he remembered was his bedroom door opening, “David, Lynn’s here,” his mother said, but he didn’t feel like moving. After a few seconds, he felt someone sit on the edge of the bed.

  “What happened?” Lynn asked gently, and David lifted his head.

  “He’s gone, Lynn.”

  “So there was someone?” Lynn asked, and David nodded. “Was he in the closet and not ready to deal with who he was?”

  David shook his head and slowly sat up, wiping his eyes. “I’m such a girl,” David said, and Lynn smacked him lightly.

  “Spill it,” Lynn told him. “You’ll feel better, and we’ll know what we’re dealing with.”

  David sighed and told her everything about how he met Benjamin, their feelings for one another, and then what had happened that afternoon. Everything came spilling out, and by the time he wa
s done, David wanted to lie back down and sleep for a week. “Well?” he asked with half-lidded eyes.

  Lynn shook her head. “I can’t believe you fell in love with the Amish boy from across the street.”

  “Lynn,” David whined, “you aren’t helping.”

  “I know. But it almost seems too much to believe. That you actually met him, became friends, and then something more is pretty amazing.” David shook his head at the gooey look on her face.

  “If it’s so amazing, then it was super fantastic as his father hit him and hauled him away,” David said flippantly. “What I need to figure out is what to do.”

  “Honey,” Lynn said, taking his hand, “there’s nothing you can do. It’s up to Benjamin to decide what he wants to do.” Lynn shook her head. “I know you love him and believe he loves you, but Benjamin has to decide what he wants, and you need to be prepared for the worst, because it’s likely you’ll never see him again.”

  “But he lives across the street.”

  “So close and yet a world away,” Lynn said dramatically. David rolled his eyes without any real energy or interest. “You can scoff, but it’s true. He might live across the street, but his father could send him to one of the other communities or to live with other relatives away from here. You’re the one who did a ton of research on them. Every report in school had something to do with the Amish. So you should know how Benjamin’s father will most likely behave.”

  David nodded as the black sheet of despair rose higher, and he expected it to cover him any second. “I know, and my mother said I should be careful. She tried to warn me, but I wouldn’t listen.”

  Lynn shook her head. “You followed your heart, not your head, and that was the right thing to do. You fell in love. And yes, it ended, and yes, it hurts, but knowing what you know—the joy, the happiness, and even the pain you’re feeling right now—would you do it all over again?”

  David thought for a split second and then nodded. “Yes. Benjamin is one of the sweetest, most incredible people I’ve ever met. And I suppose if I never see him again, then I’ll be happy to have known him.” David felt the weeps coming on again, and Lynn held him.

  “It’s okay to feel everything. It doesn’t mean you’re weak or a girl, just human,” Lynn told him, and David closed his eyes, letting his friend comfort him for a while. Eventually, he got his emotions under control again. “You know you can call to talk anytime you want.”

  David nodded. “Thanks,” he said.

  “The first heartbreak is the hardest one, because you don’t know what to expect,” Lynn told him, and David knew she was speaking from experience. “It’ll get better, I promise. You just need to give it time.” Lynn hugged him again and then got up to leave. “I’ll see you Monday at school, and I’ll call you later.” David nodded, and Lynn left the room, closing the door quietly behind her, leaving David alone with his misery.

  Chapter 14

  DAVID spent the rest of the weekend at home and did nothing but mope, watch television, and go into work. When he was at the Dairy Barn, things didn’t seem so bad. He stayed busy at work, and nothing there reminded him of Benjamin, but once he got home, all that changed. He drove past where Benjamin lived multiple times, looking for him, but he was never outside.

  School on Monday was hell, and he couldn’t seem to concentrate. Thankfully, Carol and Lynn were there for him and helped him get through that day and the ones that followed. David spent weeks going through the motions. He did his schoolwork on autopilot and went to his job. When he was home, he took to spending time near the window, watching across the street for some sign of Benjamin, but he saw nothing at all.

  As April gave way to May, he started walking across the creek every afternoon. He needed to feel close to Benjamin somehow. Usually he took a book or something with him, because hope as he might, he knew it was unlikely Benjamin would be able to come to him. Still, as time went by, this was the one place he still felt that Benjamin was near. David usually stayed for an hour or so and then he’d walk back. He tried not to let dejection set in and hoped that wherever Benjamin was, he missed him, and hoped upon hope that Benjamin would eventually try to see him, somehow, even if just for a few minutes.

  Memorial Day weekend, David graduated with honors from high school. He wore his blue cap and gown with gold honors cords and got his diploma. His mother smiled a lot and was so proud. She had an open house, and a lot of David’s old friends came up to see him. He put up a good front and did his best to look happy and excited, but the one person he couldn’t fool was his mother.

  “You can’t make him appear by constantly watching that field across the street,” his mother whispered, and David turned away. He hadn’t even realized he’d been doing it. “Join your guests and have a good time. Try to let it go for today. You may find that once you do, it’ll get easier.”

  “Is that from experience?” David asked with a small smile, and his mother nodded.

  “Yes. I know it’s hard, but you need to go on. I had to when we lost your father. You needed me, and I couldn’t mope. I had to get out and get on with my life. So do you.” She went to the kitchen and returned a few minutes later with a tray of veggies that she used to replenish the one on the buffet. David knew it had been hard for both of them to move on after his dad died, but she’d done it, and she’d been strong for him. David needed to move on from Benjamin, for her and for himself.

  Turning away from the field, he joined the party and spent the rest of the day talking with everyone. He saw people he hadn’t seen in a long time, relatives of both his mother and father, some of whom he hadn’t seen since his dad’s funeral. For a few hours, he forgot about Benjamin and everything else, enjoying himself for the first time in weeks.

  As the day and evening wore on, though, the party died down, and David’s thoughts once again turned to Benjamin, especially when he saw people working in the field. David positioned himself on the lawn and watched them, hoping to see Benjamin for even a few minutes, but he wasn’t there and David knew he wouldn’t be. Hope was fading, and David knew he had to let Benjamin go.

  “It’s okay, David,” Lynn said, taking the chair next to him.

  “I know. It’ll be fine. Sometimes I think I’d be happy knowing he’s happy. I keep seeing the pained expression as his father dragged him off and the complete dejection as his father hit him.” David looked away, concentrating on the trees in the distance. “His entire world was gone. I know that now. As I search my memory, I know that’s what Benjamin was thinking. I keep wondering if his dad still hits him.”

  “I wish I knew too, but I don’t know how to find out.”

  “His brothers would know, but I’m less likely to see them than I am Benjamin. They used to come to the swimming hole, but I bet they’re keeping all the kids away now because they see me go over there sometimes.” David felt a tear run down his face. “Sometimes I think I ruined his life.”

  “I doubt that. You didn’t force him to be friends or into anything more. He was willing and made up his own mind,” Lynn said.

  “How do you know that?” David asked, and Lynn smacked him on the shoulder.

  “I know you,” she said. “There’s no way you’d ever force anyone to do anything they didn’t want. You’re too kind and thoughtful. Besides, you care too much for Benjamin to hurt him.” Lynn lowered her voice. “Look at you, you’re worried that you might have caused Benjamin’s pain, when the only person really hurting him and forcing him into a life he may not be ready for is his father.”

  “I don’t know what he wants. All I know is that he told me just before his father dragged him away that he wasn’t sure what he wanted. His father was pushing him into joining their church, and then he was supposed to date and get married.” The pain in Benjamin’s eyes and voice came back to David full force. “I keep wondering if I wasn’t the one who introduced all the doubts he had, and if I’d left him alone, he’d be happier.”

  Lynn patted David’s leg. “
Sweetie, he’d still have the doubts, but he wouldn’t have had anyone to talk them over with. Without you, Benjamin would have gone through his entire life being unhappy and having no idea why. You can’t blame yourself for what happened, because sometimes there isn’t anyone to blame. Sometimes things just happen,” Lynn said, leaning back in her chair. “One of the hardest things for any of us to face is that we can’t control everything in our lives. Heck, we can’t control most of the things in our lives.”

  David smiled at her. “You’re going to make a great psychologist and help a lot of people someday.”

  “Why, do you feel better?” Lynn asked with a smile.

  “I don’t know,” David said before dodging a swipe. “You already have, and I know you’re probably right. At least my head does, but my heart isn’t listening. My heart wants Benjamin so badly I can’t stand it.” David looked toward the field again. “Sometimes I can see him like he was last summer. We’d go swimming, and he’d joke and laugh. Benjamin is so smart. He used to put things together in these really unusual ways, but he’d come up with the most amazing insights, like the time he told me about the different kinds of birds and horses and related that to God making different kinds of people. I figured he’d have a hard time accepting that he was gay, but he worked it out on his own and seemed happier once he did.” David looked away from the field and back at Lynn. “I hope he’s happy now, whatever he’s doing.”

  “I do too,” Lynn said as she got up. “I’m going to get something to eat. Do you want anything?” David shook his head and watched as Lynn grabbed a plate. She got a few vegetables and brought back her plate along with a couple of sodas, handing him one. David took it and sipped as people came over to say good-bye. David spent most of the rest of the evening getting wished all the luck in the world and told how exciting things were going to be happening for him. He only wished he could believe it.

  A FEW days after the party, David drove to work for the lunch shift. Ahead of him, he saw someone walking a horse across the street. David instinctively knew it was Benjamin. His heart raced as he shifted his foot to the brake. The car slowed and David pulled closer. Benjamin was probably taking one of the horses to his uncle’s. He pulled off the road, stopped the car, and opened his door, standing up to peer over the top of the car. It was Benjamin; he could tell just by the way he walked. “Benny,” David said, and he saw Benjamin turn around to look at him.