By the Creek

  For a split second, he saw a smile begin to form on Benjamin’s lips, but it quickly died and the spark in Benjamin’s eyes went out. He said nothing. Benjamin then turned and continued walking the horse across the field, head down, getting farther and farther away. David watched for a few seconds and then got back in the car, continuing on to work, but thought of Benjamin the entire drive.

  Once he’d arrived at the Dairy Barn, David changed into his work clothes and jumped right into taking orders. Even though it was early, there were still a lot of people already seated, so he worked his tables and kept busy.

  “What’s going on?” Carol asked once they were through the noon rush. “You’ve nearly spilled water on three customers and dropped two glasses. That isn’t like you. And you haven’t said a word to anyone other than the customers all day.” Carol filled several glasses with soda, taking an extra amount of time. “Are you okay?” David nodded and filled glasses before taking them to the tables. He took orders and put them into the kitchen before joining Carol at the serving station once again. “What gives?” Carol whispered after the boss passed by.

  “I saw Benjamin this morning,” David said and quickly told her what happened.

  “Did you speak to him? Did he talk to you?” Carol’s excited questions came in rapid succession.

  “Not really. And he didn’t look happy,” David admitted quietly. “There was no spark in his eyes, and when he walked there was no energy or life. He shuffled and sort of trudged. Before, he was always full of this amazing jolt of life.” David saw that one of his orders was ready. He picked it up and delivered it to the table before making an additional trip for condiments and napkins and then returning to Carol. They’d long ago mastered the art of the interrupted conversation. “It’s like someone squeezed all the life out of him,” David said, as if they hadn’t been interrupted. “But there’s nothing I can do. He had the chance and he didn’t even talk to me.”

  “Maybe you’re seeing what you want to see,” Carol offered, and they both left the station to take care of their tables. It took a few minutes before they were together again. “You know it’s possible.”

  David nodded looking out over the restaurant. “It is, and I’ve thought about that. I’ve wondered a lot if I was seeing what I wanted to see where Benjamin was concerned, and I’m convinced I wasn’t. I know that. You can’t fake the way he acted all those months, and I saw the sadness and beaten-down look in his eyes.”

  “But there’s nothing you can do about it,” Carol reminded him, and David nodded. “You want to, but you can’t.”

  “Exactly,” David agreed, and then he left the serving station to refill glasses of water. Thankfully, the dropsies he’d experienced for much of the morning abated, sparing him cleanup duties and dirty looks from the customers and owner. Finally, his shift was over, and David changed in the bathroom. After saying good-bye, he left the restaurant. David had planned to make a trip to the store for a pair of jeans, but wasn’t in the mood at all. He didn’t feel like going home either, so he drove to Lake Michigan and sat on the sand near the water, listening to the waves. He had to get over this. David knew it. Benjamin was out of his reach and probably would be forever. David tried telling himself that, but neither his head nor his heart were buying it.

  His phone rang, and David pulled it out of his pocket. He really didn’t want to answer it, but it was his mother. “Hi, Mom,” David said blandly.

  “Where are you?” his mother asked.

  “Just sitting down by the lake, thinking,” he told her, still looking out over the water. “I’ll be leaving for home soon.”

  “Okay, honey, but there’s something here you’ll want,” she told him, and David nodded.

  “I’ll head home now. See you soon.” David shoved the phone back into his pocket and stood up, then shuffled slowly back to the car. He wasn’t in any hurry as he drove home.

  After pulling into the drive, he went inside and found his mother in the living room. “Sorry if I worried you,” David said, and she handed him a single piece of paper.

  “I found it inside the garage when I got home. I haven’t read it, but I think I recognize the handwriting from the other note.” His mother smiled nervously, and David sat down and unfolded the page. The scrawled words were almost illegible.

  Davey,

  I am watched all the time, but I need to talk to you. I do not know what to do and I need your help. Please come to the clearing with the fallen tree. I do not know when I will be able to join you, but I will try as soon as I can. Uncle will need to borrow Papa’s horse again in the next few days.

  Benny

  David handed the note to his mother to read. “It sounds like he’s desperate,” his mother said, and David nodded. “This was written in a hurry.” His mother seemed to read the note again. “Do you know where this clearing with the fallen tree is? Why is he telling you about the horse?”

  “That has to be the signal,” David said, taking back the note and handling it like a precious artifact. “He sometimes walks one of their horses across the field to his uncle’s.” David’s mind churned. “I always walked across the field to the swimming hole, and Benjamin said once that he always knew when I’d be there because he could see me crossing the field.” David read the note again and his heart raced. “If Benjamin could see me crossing the field, then so could everyone else. His father isn’t going to let Benjamin deliver the horse if he knows I’m nearby. He’ll ask someone else to do it or have someone go with Benjamin.”

  “David, I want you to be careful, and I can already tell you’re getting your hopes up. You can’t. This whole thing with Benjamin has had you tied in knots for weeks and you’re just beginning to deal with it. What if he disappoints you again?”

  “I have to know that he’s okay,” David said after swallowing hard. “The look on his face when I saw him today was so full of pain and sadness.”

  “You saw him?” his mother asked excitedly.

  David nodded. “On my way to work. He looked miserable, but didn’t say anything. He must have left the note after seeing me.” David’s heart pounded and hope bloomed deep inside. David knew his mother could be right, but he couldn’t help it. Benjamin had contacted him, and David would move heaven and earth to try to see him. “But how can I cross the field without being seen?”

  “I don’t know,” his mother said. “I think you’ll have to figure that one out on your own.” His mother left the room, and David stared out the window toward Benjamin’s community. Somehow, he’d think of a way to see him. He had to.

  David’s mother called him to dinner, and he ate, still deep in thought. Afterward, he cleaned up the dishes and put everything away. Lynn came over for a while and they talked. Unfortunately she didn’t have any suggestions about getting across the field either, and once she left, David went to bed, but didn’t sleep well, his thoughts consumed with Benjamin.

  In the morning, David got up early since he couldn’t sleep, anyway. His mother was still in bed as he wandered into the kitchen. He started the coffeepot and waited for it to finish before pouring himself a mug. Peering out the back window, all David saw were wisps of white fog. Smiling, David hurried to the back door and pulled it open. Clouds of white hung over the field. They didn’t seem to extend very high off the ground, but it would probably be enough. Looking up through the fog, David could see blue sky. The fog wouldn’t last long, but with any luck, he could use it to get across the field if he walked over early in the morning. The rest depended on Benjamin.

  Chapter 15

  ALMOST a week later, David found another note under the back door when he got back from work. It asked him to please be at the clearing tomorrow morning if he could. “Papa told me to bring Goliath to uncle’s just after sunrise. I will check the clearing on my way back.”

  David’s heart raced as he hurried inside the house. At least he’d heard something from Benjamin. His mother came home a few minutes later, and David showed her the n
ote. She read it and handed it back to him. “Don’t forget that you have to work tomorrow afternoon,” she told him, and David rolled his eyes. “I know you. You’ll sit there all day waiting for Benjamin to show up, and I’m just reminding you that you have a time limit.” David knew she was right. Without answering her, David moved closer and hugged her tight. “What’s this?”

  “For being the best mom ever,” David said. He’d suddenly become very aware, like a spark had made a connection in his brain. His mother had supported him almost without question once he came out, through his friendship and more with Benjamin, the hurtful separation, and now this. “Most moms wouldn’t do what you’ve done.” There had been times when he’d felt like he hated his mother, but in a moment of clarity, all that changed.

  “I just want you to be happy,” his mother said, and David nodded, still holding her.

  “I know, you’ve always said that. But are you happy?” David asked.

  His mother chuckled nervously in what David guessed was surprise. “Where did that come from?”

  “You always say you want me to be happy, but are you happy?” David reiterated, releasing his mother before stepping back. “You haven’t seen anyone since Dad died, and maybe it’s time you thought about finding someone for yourself. After all, I’m not going to be here forever.” David smiled as he used one of his mother’s lines against her.

  “Don’t get smart,” she scolded. “I’ll date when I’m ready, if I ever am.” She paused. “But it’s nice to know I have your blessing.” His mother winked, and David rolled his eyes.

  “You always had my blessing; I just didn’t know it.” David flashed an excited grin and then got cleaned up from work. He helped his mother with dinner, and afterward spent the evening at Lynn’s, watching television and goofing around with her and her brothers. It took his mind off things for a little while, but his thoughts quickly returned to Benjamin. He read the last two notes, short as they were, again and again, reading between the lines every way he could, and all he kept coming back to was that Benjamin needed his help.

  “These are not from a happy person,” David said out loud, waving the notes to emphasize his point to the otherwise empty room. But if he was right, what could he do about it? Of course, no answer came, and David got ready for bed.

  As he climbed under the covers after cleaning up, he tried to clear his mind so he could think, but the thought of seeing Benjamin again kept him staring at the ceiling for hours.

  The following morning, David awoke to the sun brightening his windows. Sitting up, he peered out the window. A thick blanket of fog covered the ground. David had never been so grateful for thick, humidity-heavy air in his life. Getting out of bed, he dressed and packed a bag of stuff he knew he’d need. David had no idea when Benjamin would show up, so he packed a book, some food and drinks, a light jacket to keep out the dampness, and his beach blanket to sit on. As ready as he was ever going to be, David left the house and slowly made his way across the field.

  Thick and damp, the fog closed around him as he moved farther from the house. Just a few minutes away from the house, he looked over his shoulder, but all he could see were the tops of the trees and the barest outline of the building. David had to be careful where he stepped, so he looked ahead to where he was placing his feet.

  As time passed, the sun got higher in the sky, already warming the air. The fog started to burn off, but by then David had reached the trees and carefully made his way through the shadows to the clearing. Part of him felt a bit dumb about all this sneaking around, but he was determined to see Benjamin.

  David found a grass-covered spot and spread out the blanket on it. Sitting down, he watched and waited, listening to the birds and insects as they welcomed the day. David quickly found he didn’t need his jacket, so he took it off, yawning. He thought about eating, but he could barely keep his eyes open. He’d barely slept. Thinking he’d close his eyes for a few minutes, David wadded his jacket like a pillow and drew the blanket over him. The next thing he knew, someone was shaking his shoulder.

  “Davey,” he heard and opened his eyes. Benjamin smiled at him, and for a second David wondered if he was dreaming. “Did you stay here all night?”

  “No,” David said, letting the blanket fall away as he stood up and pulled Benjamin to him. “I walked over early this morning, but I didn’t get much sleep last night, so I….” David stopped his explanation because it didn’t matter anyway and kissed Benjamin hard. He tasted exactly the way David remembered, sweet and rich at the same time. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too,” Benjamin said.

  “It hurt when you turned away the other day,” David said, stepping away, and then he tugged Benjamin back into a hug, not really caring about all that right now.

  “I know. It hurt me too, but Papa was watching. He’s always watching me lately. Everywhere I go, he watches what I’m doing and how I act.”

  “He hit you,” David said. “I saw him hit you.” David began running his hands over Benjamin to make sure he was all there. He stepped back so he could see his face, rubbing his thumb over his cheeks and lips to make sure they were okay and unchanged. “Did he keep hitting you?” David asked, and Benjamin turned away. “He did.”

  “He was angry, and….”

  “What did he do?” David asked as anger and hate welled inside him. “I’ll kill him. No one should hit you for any reason.”

  “David,” Benjamin said in a warning tone, but David was having none of it. “Please.”

  “What did he do?”

  Benjamin shook his head. “Please don’t make me talk about it.” Benjamin appeared close to tears, and David hugged him again, clinging to Benjamin as he felt his own tears fill his eyes.

  “Okay, but I still want to kill him,” David said, glad his voice didn’t crack.

  “I don’t have much time. My father is going to expect me home soon,” Benjamin said, and David nodded, not that Benjamin could see him, because he was still holding him tightly and had no intention of letting him go. “I had to see you.”

  “I wanted to see you too. You looked so unhappy, and since I saw your father hitting you, I’ve worried constantly if you were okay.” David ran a hand over Benjamin’s head, his soft hair tickling his fingers.

  “Papa has decided that I’m going to be baptized, and then he’s already arranged for me to court one of the girls in the community. He made arrangements with her father, and they seem pleased to have decided the course of my entire life for me.” Benjamin’s voice broke. “I don’t know what to do, but I can’t stay there anymore. What was my home now feels like being locked in a large box with no door.”

  “What do you want to do?” David asked cautiously. “Not that you should do anything to make anyone else happy, including me, but what do you want to do? If you could have anything, what would it be?”

  Benjamin cringed and sighed softly. “I’d have my family accept that I love you. I’d stay with them and be able to see you when I wanted. Maybe when we got older, we could find a place of our own. I could farm and you could do brilliant English things. But we’d be together and happy. That’s what I want.” Benjamin rested his head against David’s shoulder again. “But that won’t happen.” Benjamin sighed loudly. “Sometimes life is so unfair.”

  “Lovely as it sounds, that can’t be. At least, all of it can’t be.” David held Benjamin, remaining quiet and just letting them be together for a while. There were problems, and decisions to make that were going to make people unhappy. For now, though, they could exist in the bubble of the clearing and just be together, because David had a feeling he was the person most likely to be left behind.

  “What do we do?” Benjamin asked after a while.

  David had given this a lot of thought last night while he was staring at the ceiling, and he’d had a bit of an epiphany. “You’re sort of caught between two worlds. There’s the one you’ve always known that contains your family and all the people who helped ra
ise you. It’s the world you grew up in and what’s familiar to you. And I’ll understand if that’s the world you choose to spend the rest of your life in. I will, I promise.” David swallowed and wiped his eyes.

  “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say,” Benjamin said.

  “You have to choose. You can’t continue to live between the Amish world and the English world. On one hand is your family—everyone and everything you know. As I said, it’s where you were raised and the world you understand. You know what’s expected, and if that’s your decision, then you’ll take your place there. Or you can choose to leave all that behind.” This was so hard for David to say because he knew that Benjamin had to decide.

  “You’re shaking,” Benjamin whispered. David could feel it—his entire body reacting in fear that Benjamin would choose what he’d just described.

  “Or you could choose to be with me and join the English world. You’d have to leave your family because they probably wouldn’t accept you leaving the community, but then you could be who you are. Our world isn’t perfect, but there would be many people who’d accept you and encourage you to be the person you were meant to be. You wouldn’t have to hide or deny a part of yourself. But it’s possible that you’d never be able to see your family again. Your father doesn’t seem like the type who’ll ever be able to forgive you.”

  “They’ll have to turn their backs on me, or the community would turn their backs on them,” Benjamin said with a huge swallow.