Embrace the Fire

by Felice Stevens

Drew and Ash

  One month later

  Ash was in a piss-poor mood when he came home. He threw his briefcase on the chair and headed straight to the bar for an iced vodka. He hated spending Saturdays at the office, but he knew he wasn’t good company for his friends right now so better to take his bad mood out on his files. Domino glared at him from the sofa, seemingly disappointed that Ash wasn’t Drew.

  Ash glared right back at the cat. “I miss him more.”

  He’d spent almost the entire past week either in court or working late at the office, anything rather than being home by himself. Esther had tried to persuade him to come by, but Ash made excuses about work. Drew had been gone at some damn conference, and Ash missed him horribly. Since they’d first been together, they’d never been separated for even a day. Ash checked his watch, noting that Drew’s plane should’ve landed by now and wondered why he hadn’t called.

  For all the years before he’d met Drew, Ash had been alone without a second thought. He had work and countless men, and it had all been enough. Until Drew. Once he met Drew, it all changed; Ash shed his skin and became a new person. He assumed falling in love was what did it.

  But with Drew gone this week, self-doubt haunted Ash. The nights alone crawled in, bringing with it all his old insecurities about his worthiness to be loved by a man as good as Drew. Phone calls at night and raunchy sex over Skype didn’t cut it for Ash. Drew was his home, his center. He needed Drew’s touch and calming presence. Without Drew in his bed Ash was rudderless: unsure and alone. After so many years without love, he found it unbearable to breathe without Drew to lean on. Even an extra therapy session hadn’t helped.

  Ash knew what people thought. They believed his dominance in the courtroom extended to every aspect of his life. He poured himself another drink and stared at the colorless liquid. What a joke that was, a façade. Only Drew knew the scared man Ash was, the man who needed to be held in the middle of the night, the man who couldn’t take a deep breath without Drew by his side. The iced vodka slid down Ash’s throat, but it was no cure for his loneliness.

  The lock clicked, and Drew walked in, smiling at him from the doorway. And like magic, Ash could breathe again. The grayness slid away, and color reentered his life.

  “Baby.” Ash grabbed Drew to him and crushed their mouths together. They held each other close and rocked. Ash’s lips found the curve of Drew’s cheek. “I missed you so damn much.” He continued to kiss Drew down his neck as he cupped Drew’s ass. “Don’t go away again. Don’t leave me.”

  “Mmm. Sorry I didn’t let you know we landed, but my phone died. Come with me next time?” Drew pulled off his tie and unbuttoned his shirt. “I hated sleeping alone.”

  “Me too. I couldn’t sleep at all without you. That damn cat kept staring at me like I’d done something horrible to you.”

  Drew chuckled. “You and Domino should be friends already.” He walked into the bedroom, and Ash held his breath.

  Several minutes passed, and then Drew walked back into the living room with an odd look on his face. “What is this?” He held out a small box and a red rose.

  “Did you open it?” Ash swallowed, more nervous than the first time he’d walked into a courtroom.

  “Should I?”

  Ash nodded, never taking his eyes off Drew as he opened the box. Drew began to tremble.

  “Where did you get this?”

  “From Esther. I spoke to her after Mike and Rachel got married, and she gave it to me.”

  With a shaking hand, Drew took the wide band of gold from the box. “I never knew she had it. I thought it was lost in the accident and only my mother’s ring was recovered.” He held it in the palm of his hand for a moment, then went to put it on his finger.

  “Don’t.” Ash closed his hand over Drew’s.

  “Why not?” Drew’s green eyes clouded with confusion.

  It had never been in Ash’s makeup to be with only one man. Before he’d zipped up his pants, he’d been on to the next hot mouth. Until Drew so ensnared him with his purity of heart and sweetness of spirit, Ash couldn’t help but lose his own heart. And now he wanted to give his heart to Drew forever.

  “Because I want to do it. In front of Esther and Rachel, with whomever you want there when we say our vows.”

  Drew’s eyes shone. “Are you saying what I think?”

  Ash held Drew close, letting the peace that only this man had ever been able to give him wash over him like the warm ocean tide. “Yes. Please. Be with me forever. Marry me.”

  Drew tipped his head back and smiled into Ash’s eyes. “That was very poetic and beautiful.”

  “I have so little to give you; the best I can do is tell you what’s in my heart.” Ash brushed back Drew’s dark hair. “So will you marry me?”

  Drew kissed him. “Of course. When and where?”

  Ash smiled as he led Drew back into the bedroom. “Leave it up to me and your grandmother.”

  Drew sighed. “I was afraid you’d say that. My grandmother will be uncontrollable.”

  Ash laughed as he unbuttoned Drew’s shirt.

  For the first time since he’d started the Clinic, they closed during the week. Drew had gone in early to do some paperwork, then locked up and hurried over to his grandmother’s house.

  There was no flower-filled garden or crowds of friends. This time, only his family and Ash’s were at Esther’s, along with Rabbi Waxman. He opened the front door and was greeted by Jordan and Luke’s dog, Sasha. After petting her, Drew heard voices coming from the kitchen and headed to the back of the house.

  “Drew, darling.” Esther, dressed in a pink suit with a flower corsage, hurried over to him. “I’m so glad you’re here finally.”

  “Nana.” He kissed her cheek and hugged her. “You look beautiful.” He scanned the room, his gaze coming to rest first on Louisa in a pretty white suit and then on Tina, also in pink like his grandmother. She stood surrounded by her sons.

  “Thank you, sweetheart. I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited for this.” She patted his cheek. “I think Asher is more nervous than Rachel was on her wedding day.”

  They shared a laugh and then Drew left his grandmother to join Ash and his brothers. “Hi.”

  Ash spun around, that wonderful smile transforming his face. Drew loved seeing him so open and joyful. He loved Ash so much his heart hurt.

  “Hey, baby.” Ash bent to kiss him, and as always, the pull of his body toward Ash was fundamental to Drew’s existence. They had a natural attraction that went beyond the physical; they were in each other’s heads, blood, and souls. He couldn’t stop loving Ash if he wanted to.

  “Ready?”

  “I’ve been ready for forever.” Ash cupped the back of Drew’s neck and trailed his fingers down Drew’s back. “I was waiting for you to find me for years.”

  Drew held Ash’s silvery gaze and knew he’d never grow tired of waking up next to this man. “There’s no letting go after today.”

  Rachel hurried over, the swell of her pregnant belly beginning to show through her dress. “Come, you two. The rabbi has papers for you to sign.”

  “Let’s do this.” Drew slipped his hand into Ash’s, and they walked back to his grandmother’s living room. It only took a few minutes to sign the English and the Hebrew marriage certificate and then listen to the words that would bind him and Ash together forever.

  They’d agreed beforehand that Ash would step on the glass, and he did so, with a large pop.

  “Mazel tov!”

  Ash kissed him sweetly on the lips. “You’re mine now.”

  Drew tipped his head back and stared into the smiling face of the man he loved more than anything. “I’ve always been yours.”

  Tash and Brandon

  One week later

  Tash closed the file and stretched out the kinks from his back. It had been a long day, starting with therapy sessions at his office, then meeting Johnny at the Clinic. What a difference believing in someone and giving them
the proper resources could have. The scared and angry teenager was a distant memory, and in his place stood a young man of courage, determination, and eagerness.

  Johnny burst into the office, waving a sheet of paper. “I passed, Dr. Weber. I passed my GED!” He literally danced with happiness in front of Tash’s desk.

  Tash came around and gave the young man a hug. “I’m so proud of you; we all are. You deserve it. I never saw someone as determined as you.”

  Johnny’s dark eyes shone in his face. “I never thought I’d be saying this, but I can’t wait to look at colleges. Maybe I’ll ask Marly if St. Francis has good computer programs.” He raced out of the room.

  Tash couldn’t help but laugh and marvel at the success story. Johnny had turned his whole life around and gone from street punk to high school graduate in the span of a year. Jordan had no idea how much he’d help Johnny when he pressed for the police to show Johnny a little leniency. To his credit, Johnny had returned the favor in spades. By working here at the Clinic and at the community center, he’d proven himself and given back to other kids. Tash had no doubt Johnny would never go back to a life on the streets.

  “Hi.”

  Tash spun around to see Brandon standing at the door. “Hi. Come on in. I only this minute finished with Johnny.”

  Brandon walked in and closed the door behind him. “I know, and I heard his great news. I knew he’d graduate.” He leaned against the door. “You played such an important part in his accomplishment, and I’m so proud of you and the work you do.”

  He and Brandon shared much more than a physical relationship. They talked about how they’d like to expand the help they provided to students to include more teachers from Brandon’s school, as well as some of Tash’s colleagues. Brandon was also teaching Tash to cook, and they spent many Saturday mornings at the Union Square farmers’ market picking up fresh ingredients, then coming home and experimenting with their purchases.

  Not that there wasn’t passion; every touch from Brandon brought an awareness of how alive Tash was now, and how far removed he was from that broken man he used to be. Tash had imagined Brandon, being so much younger, would have the greater sexual appetite, but Tash had discovered a side of himself he’d never known. Loving Brandon and living with him brought out Tash’s passion and desire, and it only seemed to be growing, not diminishing. Perhaps it had to do with love being thrown into the equation.

  A small smile played around Brandon’s lips. “I’m looking forward to the weekend.”

  “Do we have any special plans?”

  Brandon came up behind Tash and put his arms around Tash’s waist. “We do. I arranged a special weekend for us. With all the weddings and celebrations lately, I thought it might be fun for us to get away. Just the two of us.”

  Tash turned in Brandon’s arms, surprised at what he’d said. “Are you upset about your brothers both getting married, and that we aren’t?” That was a topic they hadn’t spoken of yet. Not because Tash didn’t want to marry Brandon, but because Tash didn’t want to push him.

  “No, I’m not upset. We haven’t spoken about the long-term, but you know where I stand.” Brandon gazed into Tash’s eyes, and Tash winced at the touch of sadness he saw there before Brandon tried to cover it up with a halfhearted smile.

  “And you don’t know what I want, who I want?” Tash brushed back Brandon’s hair. “You know I love you. That’s not going to change.”

  “It won’t for me either. Sometimes I think I still have to fight to make you believe that.” The sadness disappeared. “Now come on. I have your bag here, and Rachel said she’s going to stop by and check on the cats. Our flight leaves at ten.”

  “Flight?”

  Brandon’s eyes danced with excitement. “Yeah. I’ve never been on a plane, so don’t make me late and miss it. Let’s go.”

  His questions fell on deaf ears as Brandon dragged him out of the office and down the hallway. Without getting a chance to say good-bye to everyone, he found himself in a car service and on the way to Kennedy Airport before he knew what was happening.

  “Do you mind telling me where we’re going?” He gazed out the window as they traveled along the highway.

  Flashing a mysterious smile, Brandon answered, “You’ll see when we get there.”

  This playful side of Brandon wasn’t one he showed often. Tash guessed there hadn’t been much joy or playtime in Brandon’s life, and now he was testing his wings and experimenting with happiness. Didn’t Brandon see this was what Tash meant? He needed to experience life before making any decisions that might leave him wondering what he’d missed.

  “You’re doing it again.”

  Brandon’s voice broke into the fog of Tash’s musings. “Huh? What am I doing?”

  “You’re overthinking what’s going on, that I need to do this more, to find myself.”

  Shit, that was scary. “Maybe you do.”

  To Tash’s surprise, Brandon agreed. “You are right. I do need to experience life. But life is meant to be shared and enjoyed, never taken for granted. I don’t want to wait around because you fear I might be settling or compromising by loving you.” There was an earnestness in Brandon’s voice Tash had never heard before.

  “All my happiness and joy over the past months since we met was only made better because I had you there with me. There’s a special kind of joy in a happiness that’s shared between two people. The joy is there because I’m with you. You’re my other half, Tash. I don’t know how many times I can say it or try and make you understand.”

  The cab stopped and pulled up in front of the terminal. Brandon took care of everything for curbside check-in, and Tash caught his excitement as they entered the terminal. Only once they’d passed security and were headed toward the gate did Tash look at his boarding pass to see where they were headed.

  “Vegas?”

  Brandon kissed him. “Why not? It’s the city where anything can happen, right?”

  Brandon knew he was ridiculously excited for this trip, but he was entitled, being that it was his first plane ride. Even when Tash fell asleep, Brandon remained wide-awake, reading a book or watching the television monitors, tracking their flight on the on-screen map. Not knowing what to expect, he hadn’t realized they’d be flying above the clouds, and he spent some time staring out of the window into the darkness.

  “Can’t sleep?” the flight attendant asked him with a sympathetic smile.

  Brandon shook his head. “No. It’s my first time flying, believe it or not.”

  The attendant’s eyes widened with surprise. “Really?” He reached into his jacket pocket and, with a grin, handed Brandon something. “Usually we give these to our kids who are first-time flyers, but keep it as a souvenir.” He winked and walked back up the aisle.

  Brandon turned the object over and laughed to himself. It was a little miniature airplane, fashioned as a pin. He slipped it into his pocket and, leaning on Tash’s shoulder, closed his eyes.

  Amazed he’d actually slept a few hours, Brandon awoke when the plane touched down. He roused Tash, and they deplaned, picked up their luggage and rental car, and were off to their hotel within forty minutes of landing.

  Brandon pulled into the parking lot of the Venetian and gave the car over to the valet. He and Tash checked in, and by that time, both of them were hungry. They decided to hunt up some breakfast and soon found an old-fashioned coffee shop, where they ordered their eggs, hash browns, pancakes, and two carafes of coffee.

  “Look over there.” Tash gestured with his fork at an elderly couple sitting a few booths down from them. “Her hand shakes so much, he’s been cutting her food and feeding her. Now he’s holding her coffee cup to her so she can sip it. That’s true love.”

  “I think it’s sweet. I’d do it for you.” Brandon sipped his coffee.

  “You might have to.”

  “That’s not funny. You never know what can happen in life from one minute to the next. Look what happened with Jordan’s fiancé,
Keith. I may be young, but my life experience has taught me to deal with more than most people. Like Johnny and the other kids you help at the Clinic. None of us are immune to what life throws in our paths. It’s what we choose to do with our life that makes us who we are.”

  Tash set his fork down on the table. “You’re right. And my path was dark and a dead end until I met you. You’re the one who brought me into the light. Sometimes I fall back on my insecurities, but I need you to help pick me back up.”

  “I’ll always be there to catch you. The only falling you’re going to do is falling in love with me.” Brandon’s pulse ratcheted up; his heart pounded madly.

  Tash reached across the table to take his hand. “You do know I love you, right? There should never be any doubt in your mind of that. You’re my best friend, my lover. You’re the one I want in my bed at night. It scares me sometimes to think of where I’d be without you.”

  “That will never happen.” Brandon squeezed Tash’s hand, and they finished their meal in silence.

  On the way out, they passed the elderly couple. Brandon smiled and stepped aside, letting them pass by, but to his surprise, the woman stopped to speak.

  “It’s so lovely to see a handsome young couple like you two. You look like my Bernie and me when we first got married. And you were smart to come to Las Vegas to get married. No waiting.” She leaned on her cane and walked away.

  They walked to the parking lot. It might have been late evening, but crowds of people still strolled along the sidewalk. Brandon leaned on the car. “Where do you want to go now?”

  Tash slid his arms around Brandon’s waist. “We can go back to the hotel and sleep, or gamble a little and then walk around the Strip.” He kissed Brandon’s neck, and Brandon shivered. “Or, we can get in the car and go get married.”

  Brandon kissed him hard, the deep love he had for this man rivaling the bright lights of the Strip. He opened the car, slid in behind the wheel, and turned up the air conditioning. As they drove onto Las Vegas Boulevard, Tash took his hand and Brandon began whistling “Goin’ to the Chapel.”