How to Catch a Groom

by Jacobs, Holly

  “What did you do with the kids?” Desi asked, hoping she could change the subject. Mary Jo could go on for hours regaling everyone with stories of her children’s antics.

  “They have a father. He’d planned to watch them while we had dinner and was rather excited when I got your message, thinking he was off the hook. I simply informed him that even if I just sat on the dock and watched a solitary sunset, he had to deal with homework, bath time, story time, and whatnot tonight. He needs to take his turn.”

  “Listen,” Desi said. “You know I love you, but I’m not exactly dressed for going out. I just wasn’t feeling up to a restaurant. Nothing’s wrong. Just a hectic schedule at work. Lots of weddings.”

  “We don’t need to go anywhere. Anytime I’m out with no kids that’s out enough for me. Plus I stopped at the store and bought …” she pulled a carton out of the bag, “Ta da, pecan praline and caramel ice cream. I brought it to use as a bargaining chip. I want the full story.”

  Desi grabbed a couple spoon from the kitchen and handed one to Mary Jo as she sat next to her on the couch.

  “You might not let up, but you’ve got good taste,” Desi said.

  “I know,” her friend said with an infectious grin.

  “What about Pam? She hates being left out of things.”

  “She’s late, so she’s on her own. But you’re stalling. Tell me about it.”

  “Not it, him.”

  “Hims are always so much worse than its, aren’t they. Seth. Like I said, I heard your message on your machine. What did this particular him do?”

  “He said we had earth-shattering sex.” Desi took a huge bite of ice cream and let the sweet confection soothe her aching heart.

  “He said earth-shattering sex and you’re complaining? With four kids running around, I generally count myself lucky to have any sex, much less sex of the earth-shattering variety. Well, there was that other day in the shower—”

  Desi cut her off. “Enough details, thank you.”

  “You’ve got a strange look in your eyes.”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Wow, you’ve got it bad.” Mary Jo took a huge bite of ice cream.

  “What? What do I have?”

  “You’re in love.”

  “I am not.”

  She might have had a tiny thought in that direction, but she’d been wrong.

  No way was she in love with a logic-loving, wouldn’t-know-love-unless-it-was-a-zebra-mussel man. She couldn’t love him. No, not couldn’t … she could love him with way too much ease.

  She wouldn’t love him.

  He had a whole list of reasons why she shouldn’t.

  She had her own list … although she didn’t need to write it down. There was no way they could work it out, so she wouldn’t love him.

  Even as she thought the words, she knew them for the lie they were, and morosely stuck another large spoonful of ice cream into her mouth.

  “You can say you’re not in love, but—”

  Mary Jo had the uncanniest ability to read her every thought.

  “—but it won’t alter the truth of it. You love him. It doesn’t take a best friend to see that. Its there, written all over your face.”

  A knock at the door saved Desi from finding a retort.

  “That must be Pam,” Mary Jo said, squashing any of Desi’s hopes that it was Seth.

  Desi didn’t know why she was hoping it would be Seth. She didn’t care if she ever saw that sex-maniac again.

  Knowing her quiet night was history, Desi opened the door and Pam breezed right in, a bag in hand. “Hey, Mary Jo, you made it already. I stopped for ice cream, which is why I’m late.”

  “I brought pralines, what did you bring?” Mary Jo asked.

  “Chocolate, Chocolate, Chocolate.” Pam sat on the couch.

  Desi walked back into the kitchen and brought out another spoon. “You guys, I’m going to get fat.”

  “Not a fat bone on your body,” Mary Jo said. “And remember, there are no diets allowed on Wednesdays. We might not be at Hazard’s, but the rules still apply.”

  “So what’s up?” Pam asked.

  “I simply had a small fling with a man, but now it’s over,” Desi said, digging into the chocolate ice cream.

  “She’s in love,” Mary Jo added. “His name is Seth. That’s what she wasn’t telling us and it’s all I got out of her so far.”

  “No I’m not,” Desi protested.

  “Tell us about him,” Pam demanded.

  “Seth. Tell us about him,” Mary Jo reiterated.

  They weren’t going to let up. And if she were honest, Desi would have to admit she was kind of glad. She needed to talk to someone who’d be sympathetic and she knew she could count on Pam and Mary Jo.

  “He was just dumped at the altar a few weeks ago,” she explained. “I should have known better than to get mixed up with someone on the rebound, even if he wasn’t in love with his fiancée and was only marrying her because it was logical.”

  “Logical?” Mary Jo said, mid-bite.

  “Yeah, and I told him love wasn’t logical—”

  “Ah ha, love,” Pam gloated. “You said the word.”

  “No, his loving her, not me loving him, so the fact that I said it doesn’t count. Only he didn’t love her, which is maybe why I didn’t worry about the rebounding, but I should have.”

  Desi took a hefty bite of ice cream and Mary Jo and Pam, being the type of friends they were, didn’t complain when she talked around it. “And the bride didn’t love him either. I’ve planned a lot of weddings and I don’t think I’ve ever met a more unenthusiastic bride. Her mom and sister made most of the plans and she just went along with them, not making waves, right up until the moment she bolted from the church and took off with Seth’s best man.”

  “Still, even if there was more logic than love, I bet he was devastated,” Pam said.

  “No, other than that first night when he drank too much—and I think that was more embarrassment than devastation. They were friends and colleagues. That’s why he couldn’t understand his infatuation—”

  “Good word.”

  Desi ignored Mary Jo’s interruption. “—with me. I mean, we’re opposites. And if I’d forgotten that, one look at his list would have reminded me.”

  “What list?” Pam asked.

  “The one that I found when I went to use his computer to check my email. A huge list of reasons why we shouldn’t be together, and just one lousy little reason why we should.”

  “And that was?” Pam asked.

  “I already told Mary Jo, earth-shattering sex. And that’s not enough of a reason to be together.”

  “It can be,” Mary Jo assured her. “I mean, that sex in the shower was pretty earth-shattering and—”

  Pam asked, “What sex in the shower?” at the same instant Desi said, “No more talk about your sex life.”

  “Oh, we can talk about yours, just not mine,” Mary Jo said to Desi. Then to Pam she said, “Well, let’s just say, since Desi’s getting all prim and proper, that it was a hot shower … a very hot shower.”

  Prim and proper. There was that stupid phrase again.

  Realizing Mary Jo was still harping on about showers, she answered her prim and proper retort with, “The difference is, I talk in abstract, not in hard details—”

  “Oh, I love the hard details,” Pam said.

  “And since I’m not seeing Seth any more, there’s nothing to even be abstract about,” Desi said, ignoring Pam’s innuendo.

  “Why aren’t you seeing him anymore, again? I don’t think we’re clear on that, are we Pam?”

  “Nope,” Pam said through a mouthful of chocolate ice cream.

  “Because, he was right, we’re wrong for each other,” Desi said.

  What didn’t they get? They were both in advance classes in school. Both went to college. They used to be sharp. How could they not get why she’d broken up with Seth?

  “That’s w
hat you say, but I don’t think I believe you. How ‘bout you, Pam?”

  “Nope, I don’t believe you either. You’re obviously still hooked on the guy. And hot sex is a good start for a relationship. The rest of the good stuff comes second.”

  “So are you going to sit here and wallow in your misery?” Mary Jo asked.

  “I’m not miserable. I’m happy.” Desi double dipped her spoon and took the large pecan praline, chocolate bite. Yeah, she was going to be happy if it killed her. “Happy I got out before it was too late.”

  “I think it’s already too late,” Pam said.

  Mary Jo nodded. “But we won’t argue the point. So what do you want to do?”

  “Let’s just watch an old West Wing,” Desi said, reaching for the remote and clicking on the television. “I’ll ogle Josh and forget all about Seth.”

  “And I’ll ogle Sam,” Pam said.

  “Who do I get?” Mary Jo whined.

  “You’re married, you’re not supposed to ogle anyone,” Desi said.

  “Well, you’re in love and still ogling.” Mary Jo pouted.

  “I’m not in love,” Desi practically growled.

  “Whatever you say,” Pam said.

  “I’m not.”

  “Okay. We believe you,” Mary Jo said.

  “Really,” Pam echoed.

  “Turn up the volume a little, would you?” Mary Jo asked.

  “Will you stop nagging me,” Desi said in exasperation. “I’m not in love with Seth and I’m not calling him.”

  Pam and Mary Jo didn’t seem to register her declaration.

  Well, fine. Desi didn’t care. She knew she was right and she and Seth were wrong for each other.

  “He has a cat,” Desi said, scraping the bottom of the chocolate ice cream carton.

  “President Bartlett?” Pam asked.

  “No, Seth.”

  “That’s nice,” Mary Jo said. “Oh, here comes CJ.”

  “It’s named Schrodinger.”

  Mary Jo chuckled. “That’s funny.”

  “Yeah, I knew you’d get the joke.”

  “Well, it’s not much of a joke,” Pam pointed out.

  “It indicates a quiet, refined sense of humor.”

  “Whatever,” Pam said. “If I had a cat I’d name it something pretty like Melody. But since I figure I’m bound to be an old maid, I can’t get a cat. It’s too cliché.”

  “What happened to Mister-Right-Now?” Mary Jo asked.

  “It seems Right-Now is Long-Gone.”

  “Sorry,” Desi said. “You know the right man is waiting out there for you. Someone with an ear for music and an eye for the real-deal.”

  “It’s taking him long enough to find me,” Pam grumped. “I have my life all planned. Marry a wonderful guy, have two boys … I’m going to name them Andrew and Erik, and—”

  “He has a boat, too. It’s called The Guppy—”

  “That’s nice,” Mary Jo said.

  Desi said, “Once I got over wanting to barf, I sort of liked it.”

  Well, she didn’t exactly like the boat, but she did like spending the day with Seth. She liked the fact that he’d relaxed with her, laughing and smiling.

  “Good,” Pam said.

  “I didn’t like the zebra mussels though.”

  “Who would?” Mary Jo said. “That’s why I like chemistry. No slimy stuff like you get in biology.”

  “So you think I should call him?” Desi said.

  She wondered what he was doing? Did he miss her at all or did he just miss the sex?

  Probably the sex. She missed it. After all, he was right, it was earth-shattering. But she missed him, too. More. She missed seeing him smile. She missed his quiet passion about his work.

  “No. Definitely don’t call him,” Pam said. “After all, you’re both all wrong for each other. He loves logic and you love romance.”

  “He sent flowers,” Desi said.

  “That’s so lame and trite,” Mary Jo said.

  “Way overdone,” Pam said. “Not a bit of imagination there. My dream man will be more original than that.”

  “No it’s not overdone,” she declared. “He called too and left messages.”

  “Probably just wanted some more earth-shattering sex. That makes him a cad,” Pam said. “Men are all cads.”

  “Well, not my Paul, but you’re right, the rest are,” Mary Jo defended.

  “No he’s not a cad. Did I tell you he stood up for me with my family?”

  She remembered that moment. He’d made her heart melt. She was pretty sure that’s when she started to truly fall for him.

  “Really?” Pam said. “Your mom can be kind of scary.”

  “Yeah, she started in on the old refrain—you know, Desi’s wasting her life, blah, blah, blah. Then Seth said they didn’t understand. That he respected my choice, that I was following my heart and my aptitude and they should respect that, too.”

  “Well, maybe he’s not such a loser,” Mary Jo said.

  “He’s not a loser at all,” Desi said. “Oh, maybe he sat in the cake, but he rescued it first and found the Barbie dolls.”

  “I’m not following you,” Pam said.

  “I don’t want to want him,” Desi said, then added honestly, “But I do.”

  “I think we can see that,” Mary Jo said softly.

  Desi realized that somewhere along the line, someone had clicked off the television.

  “We’re not right for each other. Only, I worry that if I’m not around he’ll forget to laugh and he won’t go out in the rain or take a swim in the lake. He’ll miss so much.”

  “He needs you,” Pam said softly.

  “Yes, he does. Why doesn’t he see that?”

  “He’s a man,” Mary Jo answered. “They’re sometimes slow on the uptake.”

  “Well, there’s that,” Desi said.

  “So what are you going to do?” Pam asked.

  “I’m going after him.” She hadn’t realized she’d made a decision until the words fell out of her mouth. Maybe she’d known it from the start and just needed Pam and Mary Jo to show her.

  “I’m going after him and making him see that, though we might not be a logical match, we have more going for us than just earth-shattering sex.” Desi bounded off the couch.

  “You’re going now?” Mary Jo asked.

  “Yes.”

  She was going now before she lost her nerve. She was going to tell Seth Rutherford he needed her. He needed her for more than sex. He needed her so that he remembered to enjoy life. And she was going to tell him that she needed him, too, because she loved him.

  “Do you mind if I hang out here and watch the rest of West Wing with Pam? There are no kids here and if I wait, Paul will have them all in bed before I get home,” Mary Jo asked.

  “Stay as long as you like. Just don’t wait up for me.” Desi smiled at her two friends. “Thanks, guys, you’re the best.”

  The doorbell rang. “Maybe that’s him,” Desi said, unable to stop the wild careening of her heart.

  She opened the door and …

  “Mom. Dad. What are you doing here?” She didn’t have time for her parents. She was going to ride off and beat some sense into the man she loved.

  Loved. The man she loved.

  She just didn’t whisper the thought, she shouted it in her mind.

  “It’s nice to see you too, dear,” her mother said. She walked past Desi into the living room, her father trailing after her. “Mary Jo and Pam, how nice to see you girls.”

  “Hello, Mrs. Smith,” they said in unison.

  “How are the children?” she asked Mary Jo.

  “Loud, busy, and frequent pains in the butt, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything.”

  “That’s how kids are. Mystifying, but even when you don’t understand them you love them anyways.”

  “And you hope,” Desi’s father added, “that even if you make a mistake, your kids love you anyways, too.”

  “And we�
�re thankful your Seth made us see that.” Desi’s mother beamed.

  “He’s not quite mine,” Desi said. At least, not yet. But he would be. She’d just present her case in a logical way. He’d respect that and he’d have to believe her.

  “She was just on her way out to convince him he should be hers,” Mary Jo said.

  “Because she loves him,” Pam added.

  “You love him?” her father asked.

  “Yes, she does,” Pam answered. “She’s afraid he only sees her as good sex—”

  “Earth-shattering sex,” Mary Jo corrected.

  “You guys, these are my parents.” Desi could feel the heat flood her cheeks.

  “And that may have been a little too much information,” her father said.

  “Oh, come on, Verle, we’re both science teachers and we certainly know about the birds and the bees,” her mother said.

  “But she’s our daughter,” he maintained with a frown.

  “All the more reason to be happy that she’s found someone who’s sexually compatible.”

  “Yeah, earth-shattering sex is important to a marriage,” Mary Jo said. “Why just the other day in the shower—”

  “Wait a minute. Would you all just wait? Mary Jo, no more shower talk. Everyone no more sex talk. And most importantly, no more marriage talk, Mary Jo. I never said anything about marriage. Seth doesn’t even know he loves me yet.”

  “But he will. How could he not love you?” Pam asked and the other three chimed in their agreement.

  “You’re all just saying that because you’re biased.”

  “No, it’s because we’re smart and we know,” Pam said.

  “Okay, listen, the four of you can just sit here and watch the end of West Wing and talk about my sex life. I’m going.”

  There was another knock.

  Desi tried to suppress her groan, but didn’t quite manage it. “What is this? Grand Central Station?”

  She went to the door, but no one was there.