The Short Memoirs of a Madman

by Vanessa Speer

The Short Memoirs of a Madman

  Copyright 2014 Vanessa Speer

  The Short Memoirs of a Madman

  Sloping rocks towered above my head on all sides, warped and tangled root systems jutting out from their cold fractured faces. Sharp pebbles clung to my exposed skin as I shifted stiffly from another night of fitful sleep. I grabbed a handful of the irritating stones and threw them with a grunt at the walls that caged me in. How I had gotten down into this hole, I couldn’t remember.

  They would though. They who were always present, lurking in the shadows of my mind.

  I turned my attention to the sky wondering what time of day it was. It really didn’t matter, it could have been the sun or the moon shining down and I would still see the world in the same oppressive haze. Like dark stormy clouds blocking out the light.

  It had stormed last night. Yes, I could remember that much now. It had stopped storming too. With such an abrupt end that it had given me an eerie feeling of foreboding. The stillness had brought disquietude to Them, which in turn had brought it on me. It was unexplainable. Unnatural.

  The sun was already high, and scorching rays tumbled out from behind a cloud and one by one into my hiding place. My prison.

  I growled as I pulled myself up to stand. Sweat and rainwater had mudded the dirt beneath me and it now stuck in clumps over my bare skin and matted hair.

  My eyes flicked from one side of the pit to the other searching for a handhold that I could use to pull myself out, but the walls were sheer drops and it would be impossible for a man to climb out of this hole relying on his own strength alone. Just as impossible as a man surviving the topple from the edge of the bluff into this pit. Both of which I had done before.

  I shook my head violently, trying to urge my mind into remembrance of events occurring before the storm, but everything was a blurry rush of inconsistencies. There were frightened faces, chains, blood and darkness. Always darkness.

  Where was I?

  Amongst the tombs.

  Of course. Where else would I have been? This desolate place was my home now. I had been driven here. Kept back from the likes of average folk. Removed from their sight and forgotten. Well, not entirely forgotten. It was well known that a madman roamed these hills naked and ravaged. Tortured by the unseen.

  I shook my head again and slowly there was a removal of mist from my mind. I could see the faces of people. Familiar faces. Smiles. Laughter. My family.

  My name was Benjamin from the tribe of Dan. My wife’s name was Mary. I had three sons and a daughter.

  No. That wasn’t right. Why would I be here if I was something more than a monster? And if I wasn’t a lunatic or a danger to my loved ones, then why was I here?

  The fog was completely gone now. I could remember changing seasons, people, places. Details of a life that had been nothing but a murky recollection before.

  “Why am I here?” I said aloud through parched and cracked lips. The voice was hoarse and raspy, and so unfamiliar that it made me jump and spin around in search of another occupant in the pit with me. But I was alone.

  No. Not alone. The hiss came with a slow purposeful restraint. You belong to us.

  I crumpled to my knees and sunk my head into my hands.

  They allowed for moments like this. Fleeting seconds of clarity in which I became more than a raving animal and realized who I was and what I had become. It wasn’t mercy or sentiment that granted me these moments, They didn’t have any of that. It was all just another side to Their torture. A cruel game They liked to play against me. Even now I could hear Their gleeful hissing as They noted my shame and despair.

  Outcast. That is what they have made you. Your so called “family.” They think that you’re unworthy of their attentions. But you have ours. You don’t deserve us! You don’t deserve us! Their tongues were ripe for use, ready to cut into whatever reserve of the truth I had left, ready to pull me deeper if they could.

  I could feel the cold tickle of their saliva running down the back of my spine, the hot twinge of their claws taking hold of my brain. Fool to trust anyone but us. Fool to live for anyone but our master.

  “I don’t want you or your master!” I croaked.

  Lies! You want us! You need us! You are ours! You are ours! They rushed into my veins, a legion grappling against each other to take the fullest control.

  “AAAAGGGGHHHH!” I cried out and thrashed against the dirt and rock. My reprieve had been too short. They descended with menacing force, crowding out all of my senses until I felt fused with Them.

  I could hear one of Them laugh. The blaring sound like that of a pig being slaughtered. What this demon had chosen as my fate I could only sense with horror.

  Destruction. Devastation. Harm. Harm!

  My hand lunged for a sharp rock as I wailed in horror, begging for Them to leave me. Without hesitation I sliced the stone deep into the flesh of my arm sending the frenzy within my mind shrieking in loud chorus. They were growing more excited. They were all yelling now.

  “Get out of my head!” I shouted slamming my forehead against the stone wall, but this only seemed to bring about another screech from Them.

  No. No. We must stay here. They soothed, more than pleased at my desperate display. Don’t you remember how we make you strong? How we have made you a greater man than all the men in Gadarenes? What are they compared to you? Puny.

  “Puny.” I whispered, I had no strength to combat Them. I was merely a puppet to Their will. “Puny! Every one of them!”

  My thoughts aligned with Theirs and with a surge of power we bounded up the sloping sides of the rock escaping the pit with unnatural ease. My mind no longer my own, we raced forth. We could have outrun a stallion. We could have leapt the walls of cities.

  We pushed our way into a grove of trees that grew between the tombs and the dusty roadway that led to the sea. Often we would use these trees as cover to stalk and attack those who dared to enter our territory.

  The villagers had tried to bind us once after we sliced a young girl to ribbons. Her brother had escaped and returned with an angry group of men. They brought with them thick chains and fetters, thinking that such devices could withhold our strength. They had all run wildly away yelling out in terror when we broke the metal restraints as easily as straw.

  They had tried to bind us again and again. Each time we would let them. Each time we would wait longer before we broke the chains. We let them get comfortable. We let them think they had controlled us. But then we would only laugh at their meaningless attempt and chase them away from the land we had claimed as ours.

  “They had the right to be angry!” I scooped up a broken piece of chain that lay nearby and threw it at a tree, it caught and dangled from a branch.

  I began to cry and wail in a sudden burst of sympathy for the girl that had been maimed. She could have been my own daughter! How would I have known? Not under the power of Them.

  They were the cause of my misery. My constant, unshakable torment. If only I could be free!

  The legion began to shriek out against my wayward thoughts.

  You are ours! You are ours! They bit and scratched at my brain trying to regain Their superiority over my senses. I screamed and threw myself into the dirt, writhing in agony.

  “Leave me! Leave me!” I clawed at my skin as if doing so would purge me of my tormentors. I began slicing at my arms and legs with a rock, adding to the hundreds of scars and scabs that were already present there. “Leave me alone!”

  Never! You are ours. You belong to us. No one can save you from our power. We are greater than any man!
They are puny! We are strong!

  I wept and They let me. They enjoyed watching me suffer, though they were disgusted by my regret and sorrow, these were feelings vastly foreign to Them.

  Cry. They mocked. Without us you are weak. Cry. Die. We don’t care. We can find a new home. We can find someone more important than you. We can make them strong instead of you. We will leave you here hungry and alone.

  “I’m so alone.” I moaned.

  Yessssss.

  “I’m so hungry.” I could feel the mounting buzz in my mind as They thrilled to my falling defenses.

  Yessssss.

  With little effort we pulled ourselves up and reached for a low hanging limb. We snapped the branch off and broke it into a point. Running again, we made our way towards the sea. The stinging smell of saltwater and the promise of fish called to us.

  The waves felt like ripples in a puddle compared to the force that drove us through them. We dove deep and speared a fish, but even after returning to shore and consuming our catch we were still hungry.

  In the distance we could hear the loud squeals of a herd of pigs as their keepers switched their backs to keep them from wandering off. The herdsmen were moving them further inland towards the mountain, but even from this low vantage point we could see the massive herd moving about on a steep hill. Our appetite swelled, and our mouth began to water at the thought of capturing one of the swine for our own.

  Thick.