Pining & Loving

by Emma Sterner-Radley

  I wish there was something I could do to help.

  “And you’re changing the subject,” Gwen admonished her. “I know that tactic.”

  “Fine, yeah, I had enough of the way Susannah treated me. One night about a week ago, I got my stuff, left her a note, and walked out.”

  “Good for you. That takes some confidence. And self-respect.”

  “I guess it does. Sorry for not coming here earlier.” Aya heard how quiet her voice was and made herself raise it to be heard. “I guess I’ve been too afraid to say the wrong thing if I saw you. It was easier to just bury my head in the sand.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I could’ve contacted you as well. I’m just glad that you’re out of that woman’s claws. And, as much as it pains me to admit, I’m a little bit relieved that I was right and not blowing her bad behaviour out of proportion.”

  “Hell no! I absolutely believe she said those things, in that tone of voice, and with that body language. What’s worse, I’m sure she meant them. She was probably pulling her punches actually, considering the low opinion she has of other people. I’m ashamed to have dated someone like that.”

  “There you go again, getting all talkative when you’re not overthinking every word,” Gwen said with an expression that looked almost proud.

  Aya laughed. “Not always. I’m never going to be a natural chatterbox. But you do make me more relaxed, so I worry less about saying awkward stuff.”

  “Good. And for what it’s worth, when you do say ‘awkward stuff,’ I like it. Not in a condescending way or anything, I just enjoy that you think and speak differently to most people. You’re never boring.”

  Aya watched Gwen toy with one of the cut-offs from the roses. Something occurred to her. “You get bored easily, don’t you? I bet that was one the reasons you liked Susannah’s visits to the café; they made your days less predictable.”

  Gwen contemplated the bit of rose stem in her hand. “I guess so. Less predictable and less mundane. I suppose I’ve always wanted that little bit of… I was going to say magic, but that sounds so pretentious and childish.”

  Aya thought hard. “Do you mean those moments when something kinda wakes you up? Like, little things that give you a buzz and make you feel alive?”

  “Yes. Something to take you out of your everyday life.”

  “I think I get it, then. Getting in a flawless swing in a match used to do that for me.”

  “That makes sense. Seeing Susannah might not be a big thing, but it was something to look forward to. Something that was different every time it happened and snapped me out of my routine, in a good way. A little treat, I guess.”

  “And now you don’t have that, it made this, what did you call it? Low period? It made that worse?”

  “Charlotte and my therapist both seem to think it aggravated my low period, yes. That it was some sort of trigger.”

  Aya slowly squeezed her hands into the tight pockets of jeans. “Do you agree with them?”

  “Yes. Although, I think Edward, my therapist, feels that what Susannah said subconsciously triggered me. Charlotte, on the other hand, constantly hints that it might have been…” Gwen trailed off.

  “What?”

  “Losing you as a potential friend and losing your trust in me. Which is silly, because we didn’t even know each other that well.”

  Aya smoothed her ponytail as she considered that. “I don’t agree. We didn’t know each other for that long, but somehow, we got to know each other really well. And I’ve sort of missed you, I guess. Or wanted to have you in my life, or something. Does that make sense?”

  Gwen’s cheeks darkened to rosy pink. “Yes. And I feel the same.”

  It was good to see some colour on her face. She was so deathly pale.

  Has she lost weight, too? I thought people comfort-ate when they were depressed?

  “Gwen? Um, I know I keep saying that I’m sorry for stuff, but if my actions that day had anything to do with your depression getting worse, I’m sorrier than I can ever say.”

  “Oh, no! I didn’t mean to blame you for any of this!” Gwen reached out to touch her arm, her hand cold but reassuring. “As I say, this was just Charlotte’s theory. It doesn’t actually take a certain trigger for someone with clinical depression to get more depressed. We have peaks and troughs in life.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yes. Please don’t blame yourself.”

  “Well, whatever, I just… really wish there was something I could do to help you.”

  “There is. You can be my friend. You can distract me when it gets bad and be patient with me when I have to cancel on you. Notice that I said when, not if.” She gave a smile that was clearly forced. “You can try to understand when I’m locked into a loop of negative thoughts and this dark void my brain creates and you can’t reach me. Charlotte will tell you, it gets frustrating and scary. I mean, I don’t want to chase you off before our friendship has even started, but as I’m really struggling at the moment, you might as well know what you’d be signing up for.”

  The misery in Gwen’s eyes was heart-breaking. Aya had to step closer to her. She didn’t know what to say, but she wanted to make it obvious that what Gwen was telling her wasn’t chasing her away.

  It was a serious moment, one that deserved full attention and sombreness. With that in mind, it was a shame that it was broken by a loud, long, high-pitched squeal followed by a serious of shorter ones.

  “What the hell was that?” Aya exclaimed.

  “Meatloaf.”

  Aya moved even closer to hear her better. “It was what?”

  “Meatloaf.”

  “Um, they don’t usually make noise. Unless you count the squish when you bite into a slice. Or hang on, do you mean the rock star? Man, his voice has not aged well.”

  “No. Meatloaf, the new love of my life.”

  With that, Gwen walked off and returned with an orangey-brown ball of fur in her cupped palms. It made a chirruping noise, and Gwen held out her hands with the squeaking thing for Aya to see.

  Aya scratched her neck. “Um. It’s a… hamster?”

  “No, baby hamsters are like a third of this size. This is more the size of a rabbit. So, guess again.”

  “Not a rabbit, then. Hm. Mouse? Rat? Gremlin?”

  Gwen quirked an amused eyebrow. “I think you mean gerbil. And no, those are all smaller, too. She’s a guinea pig. Just a little baby for now, but soon she’ll be a—what do you call it in boxing? Heavyweight?”

  “Yep. She looks pretty fat, though. Heavyweights have more muscle.”

  “She’s not fat. She’s cylindrical and fluffy. Also, you try to grow muscle on a diet of leaves and cucumber.”

  Aya bent down to squint at the silly-looking thing in Gwen’s hands. “Hey there, shug. I’ve got a protein bar in my jacket pocket. You can have a bite, and then we can do some squats. You need to work on those tiny legs.”

  “You are not my guinea pig’s personal trainer,” Gwen protested. “Besides, she’s not meant to be shaped like a boxer. She’s meant to be shaped like a meatloaf, hence the name.”

  The guinea pig stared Aya right in the eye, yawned, and then turned its back to her and began washing.

  “I like her. She’s got attitude,” Aya said.

  There was the sound of a key in the door and then someone coming in and calling, “Hi, duck, I’m back early.”

  “I can tell,” Gwen replied. “I have company.”

  “Oh?” A slim woman, as tall as the nineteen-year-old Aya had sparred with earlier, came in and smiled at her. She took off her high heels while saying, “Hi, I’m Charlotte. I’m the poor wretch who has to live with Gwen and the ridiculous new love of her life.” She pointed to Meatloaf. Aya couldn’t help but laugh at how both Meatloaf and Gwen glowered at her in response.

  “This is Aya,” Gwen said. Aya and Charlotte shook hands while Gwen added, “Your date didn’t last long.”

  Charlotte scoffed. “No, he wasn’t for me. H
e wouldn’t stop talking about his two favourite subjects: rugby and himself.”

  “Having just dated someone really self-absorbed, I feel your pain,” Aya muttered.

  “She’s referring to Susannah,” Gwen clarified quietly.

  “Yes, I guessed,” Charlotte replied. “I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m glad you two,” she nodded at Aya and Gwen, “are friends again. You are friends again, right?”

  Aya looked down. “That depends on, well, if Gwen’s okay with what I did and is willing to start over.”

  “Oh, I’m sure she is.” Charlotte put an arm around her best friend. “You’ve never been one to carry a grudge, have you?”

  “Nope,” Gwen said, leaning in. “And I could really use more friendship right now. As I said, I might not be the easiest or best friend in my low periods, but I always try to make up for it when I’m feeling better.”

  Charlotte made a disagreeing noise, but Aya replied before she got a chance to speak.

  “Please don’t think about it like that,” she said. “There’s not some contract of mutual friendship actions that you have to fulfil. I just want to be part of your life.”

  “Well said! So, sounds like its settled, then,” Charlotte said. “That’s good. Now you can show her those drawings.”

  For once, Gwen said nothing, so Aya had to ask. “What drawings?”

  Charlotte gave Gwen a peck on the top of her head and went to hang up her jacket. She called over her shoulder, “After the two of you lost contact, Gwen kept drawing your car and once even sketched you.”

  “Argh! Why did you tell her that?” Gwen muttered.

  Charlotte came back and gave her a maternal smile. “Because the two of you have lost so much time and it seems to me as if you need a bit of help. I know how awkward things can get when two people get close very fast and then something negative tears them apart.”

  “I suppose,” Gwen grumbled, bumping her head, lovingly but irritably, on Charlotte’s shoulder when she was close enough.

  Charlotte petted the guinea pig in Gwen’s hands. “I figured I’d be the one to break the ice and push things along. Like you’ve done for me in the past.”

  “True. You never would’ve patched things up with Matt if I hadn’t stuck my nose in.”

  “Exactly! I got a good three-year relationship out of that!” Charlotte smiled. “I also know that you’re not in your best place to communicate right now, so I wanted to help speed things up. Was that okay?”

  “Yes,” Gwen muttered with some reluctance. “It was helpful. Embarrassing but helpful.”

  “Sorry about that, duck,” Charlotte said. “I should’ve been more subtle.”

  This was a like a masterclass on opening up and having a sappy heart-to-heart. Aya wondered if she should be taking notes. Maybe she should’ve left the best friends to their discussion, but she had to ask the burning question.

  “I still don’t know what you two were talking about before. Did you actually draw Janet the Jeep?”

  Gwen hooked her lower lip with her teeth. “Yes. Twice.”

  “And you sketched me?”

  “Yes. Not very well, though. I was sort of frustrated with you at the time, so I might not have drawn you as flatteringly as I should’ve.”

  Aya crossed her arms over her chest. “You mean you made me ugly?”

  “I don’t think it’s possible for you to be ugly,” Gwen said. “However, I might’ve given you horns, huge caterpillar eyebrows, and a massive overbite.”

  Aya couldn’t help but laugh, and Charlotte joined in.

  “Go sit in the living room,” Gwen said. “I’ll give you Meatloaf so you can put her back in her cage in there, Charlotte. I’ll join you when I’ve rustled up some drinks and snacks.”

  “And the drawings?” Aya dared to ask.

  Gwen handed Meatloaf over to Charlotte and then winced at Aya. “Well, the ones of Janet, at least. Charlotte can go get them in my bedroom.”

  “Sure,” Charlotte said. “I’ll lock up Meatloaf. Then go get the drawings and leave Aya to peruse them. I have to get out of this tight dress and into some comfy clothes.” She walked out of the kitchen, signalling for Aya to come along.

  When they were in the living room and Meatloaf was safely in her cage, Charlotte whispered, “Give Gwen a moment to digest everything. She’s having a really rough time and needs longer than usual to adapt.”

  “I bet. She looks like she’s been heated up on the wrong setting in a microwave.” Aya punched herself on the leg. “No, that came out all wrong. She still looks as attractive as always, just not very healthy. She’s clearly been through the wringer.”

  “She has,” Charlotte said grimly. “Which means that if you’re not nice to her or if you upset her in any way, I will scratch your eyes out. No offence.”

  “None taken. I’m glad she has such a good friend.”

  “And I’m glad she’s making a new one in you,” Charlotte replied. “I’ll be right back with the drawings.”

  Aya smiled to herself as she sat down. Gwen had been right. This interaction going well had given her confidence another boost. This time, a healthy one.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Butch Bearing

  Gwen stood in the kitchen, listening to Aya and Charlotte whisper in the other room. It sounded like leaves rustling in the wind.

  She didn’t mind that they were talking about her; she knew Charlotte was paving the way for their friendship. That meant she could focus on taking a few deep breaths and watching the beautiful roses.

  They’re huge, and there’s a dozen of them. They must have cost a fortune, especially for someone on benefits.

  She was happy about the roses, but much happier about seeing Aya again. That truculent demeanour, the awkward speech, that big heart, those graceful features. Not to mention that butch bearing… she had missed it all. And yes, her apology had healed some wounds that she hadn’t even acknowledged before.

  She made some popcorn and got three cans of different fizzy drinks out of the fridge. While she put it all on a tray, she considered quickly brushing her hair and getting changed but decided against it. If Aya was going to be her friend, she’d see her like this sometimes. She filled her lungs again, enjoying the scent of the roses one last time before leaving the kitchen.

  When she walked in, Aya and Charlotte were next to each other on the sofa, checking out Gwen’s two drawings of Janet. Gwen could barely remember when she’d drawn them.

  Aya looked up, her usually sable-coloured eyes gleaming like black ink in the lamplight. “These are amazing!”

  Gwen tried to not fixate on her guest’s eyes. Instead she put the tray on the table. “I’m glad you like them. It’d make me happy if you kept them.”

  “What? Really?”

  Gwen handed the popcorn bowl to Charlotte. She never ate much on dates, so she was probably peckish. “Sure, what am I going to do with pictures of your jeep?”

  “She’s got you there,” Charlotte said, taking the bowl.

  Aya ran her fingers over the nearest drawing, then rubbed the back of her neck. She was adorable when she was touched and not sure how to respond. “Thank you, Gwen. I-I’d like to return the favour.”

  Gwen picked up a can of cola but didn’t open it. “By drawing a picture of my bicycle? Sure, it’s green, still in my parents’ garage, and has a puncture,” she joked. While her heart wasn’t in it, she wanted Aya and Charlotte to have fun.

  “No,” Aya replied. “I was thinking of something more in my wheelhouse.”

  “Okay.” Gwen sat down next to Charlotte. “Like what?”

  “I remember you telling me that endorphins from working out can sometimes help depressed people?”

  Gwen put the can back on the table, recalling her babbling on the drive to Chester. “Mm, that’s right.”

  “Then why don’t I teach you how to box? It’s a great workout and you’ll learn some self-defence at the same time. That’s always a good idea, especia
lly in a city like ours.”

  Gwen slumped on the sofa. The depression fatigue that started deep in her marrow and spread throughout her body had hit her like a sledgehammer. Today she’d barely managed to shower, eat, and get dressed. Now Aya expected her to learn to box? Would she have to go to the gym to do it? Buy boxing gear? Would she have the energy to box for more than a minute before she fell in a heap?

  She wanted to say no, but she also wanted to spend more time with Aya. More importantly, she didn’t want to hurt her feelings by saying no to the kind offer.

  Charlotte must’ve picked up on her unease. “Cool idea! Maybe start smaller and then build up to full-on boxing lessons, though? At the moment, Gwen has limited energy. Don’t you, love?”

  Relief washed over her. “Yeah! I’m afraid so.”

  “Sure,” Aya said right away. “We can start with practicing the ready position; that means proper stance and posture. We can do that right in this room.”

  “Okay,” Gwen said, her uncertainty slipping through the faked enthusiasm in her voice. “Fair warning: it can be hard to take in new information when you’re depressed.”

  Aya leaned past Charlotte and put her hand on Gwen’s. “Hey, it won’t be a big deal. Just some fun and movement. If you forget what I teach you or if you get bored and want to stop, that’s fine. It doesn’t matter.”

  Aya’s hand was rough but warm. Gwen had to stop herself from turning her hand to hold it tight. “All right, if you promise to be patient and not take it personally if I don’t understand things or if I run out of energy.”

  “I swear. We’ll just have some fun, duck. No pressure.” She turned to Charlotte. “You can join us if you’d like.”

  “No, that’s all right. Not my thing,” Charlotte said kindly, adjusting her delicate silk pyjamas. “I think you two should try it, though. What do you think, Gwen?”

  Still not sure what she thought, Gwen rubbed an eyebrow and said, “Why not?”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Bright Spark