Pining & Loving

by Emma Sterner-Radley

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Hook and Heal

  Gwen groaned. Good thing she’d called Aya. She was absolutely doing this hook business wrong. She kept flailing as if swatting a fly. Not that she needed a reason to be happy for Aya coming over. She’d missed her ever since they last said goodbye.

  A knock on the door told her Aya had arrived. She tugged her tank top down where it had ridden up her stomach, fixed her hair, and pressed her lips together to make them less colourless.

  As she opened the door, Aya—in only T-shirt and jeans—burst in and pulled her into a rib-crushing hug. Gwen was surprised by the embrace but enjoyed the living daylights out of it. Aya’s body was solid with muscle but soft at its curves. The only thing softer was her smooth skin and that sleek hair of hers. Despite the autumn chill and her lack of jacket, her skin was hot. Had she run up here?

  “Whoa! I, uh, what? Hi!” Gwen stammered.

  Aya squeezed her hard enough to make her breathless and then let go. She closed the door behind her and with a beaming smile said, “I know what you did, shug.”

  “Uh. We’re not talking about my right hook here, are we?”

  Aya laughed as she bounced on the balls of her feet. “No, Bill just asked me to be Jenny’s assistant coach. I’ll be training with her part-time, and actually getting paid for it! He said it was your idea?”

  Gwen’s stomach filled with butterflies. “Sort of, he still deserves all the credit. Oh, that’s brilliant! I worried he wouldn’t be able to find the money, that’s why I didn’t tell you about it.”

  “It’s only small change at this point, but I’d do it for free anyway. I love the idea of helping another boxer. Getting to be part of that world still, you know?” Aya clenched her hands into happy fists, making the muscles dance under her compression shirt.

  “Sure, but being paid for it means you now have two part-time jobs giving you almost a full-time wage, right?”

  “Almost! It won’t make me rich, but it’ll be enough to start saving up for that deposit for a flat. Thank you again!”

  Gwen didn’t know what to do with this wonderfully ecstatic version of Aya, who was unable to stay still. Was this what Aya was like before she had to quit boxing and things started to go downhill for her? Or was this unguarded and uncool version of Aya a private one?

  Gwen gathered her wits. “No need to thank me. Friends help each other, right?”

  Aya shoved her hands in her pockets and glanced up through her jet-black lashes, looking so vulnerable that it pierced Gwen’s heart. “I still want to thank you.”

  Gwen was warming up, inside and out. Breaking the emotional tension, she hooked a finger in one of the belt loops of Aya’s jeans and pulled her farther into the flat. “You can do that by fixing my right hook. I’m starting to get into this boxing malarkey!”

  At least as long as I’m doing it with you, she added inwardly.

  “Come on then,” Aya said, striding into the lounge and pushing the coffee table away to make more room.

  Gwen took centre stage, breathed in, got in the right stance, and then attempted the right hook again.

  Aya’s mouth fell open. “Wow. When you said it was rubbish, I thought you were just putting yourself down. But, good god, woman, what in the name of every bloody oatcake in Stoke was that?!”

  Aya looked so exasperated and shocked that Gwen couldn’t help but laugh.

  She flinched. Had she just laughed?

  Clearly Aya was thinking the same thing; her theatrical grimace changed into something almost reverent. “Was that a real laugh or a faked one?”

  “Real. I… I haven’t done that for weeks.” Her gaze became unfocused. That wasn’t the only positive response she’d shown in the last few days, was it? A moment ago, she’d excitedly primped her hair because she wanted to impress her new best friend. Then she’d warmed at being able to help Aya with the coaching job. She put her hands to her chest as if she could touch the emotions as they returned to her body.

  “Wow,” Aya whispered.

  “Yeah.” Gwen exhaled shakily. “Well, I guess my right hook was good for something.”

  Aya smiled from ear to ear and nodded.

  Gwen couldn’t wait to tell Edward about this at their next session. In fact, she actually looked forward to her therapy work now. As Aya helped her get back into the proper boxing stance, she added hope to her list of returning emotions.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Sweetheart

  It was a windy afternoon, but the sun was so high and proud in the sky that even the damn birds were singing its praise. A bunch of people got in Aya’s way, university students by the look of them, and nearly spoiled her good mood. They were laughing and jabbering, a stark contrast to the peace and quiet between her and Gwen as they strolled along the canal path.

  Gwen inched closer to her as the students passed. She’d always seemed like a people person; it was sad how depression had robbed her of that. Nevertheless, Gwen had not only dared to go out in public today, but even suggested it. That, Aya thought, must be an important step.

  The students picked up their speed, shouting about needing to hurry back. It struck her that she and Gwen had all the time in the world, whether they wanted it or not. She surveyed Gwen, her thin shoulders slumped and her gaze on the ground.

  At least I start work tomorrow. She isn’t so lucky.

  Nevertheless, Gwen was still happy for her sake. That brought back a memory; Susannah’s mocking tone when she talked about Aya’s lack of employment. Susannah. It had been so long since Aya finally walked out on her.

  Aya absently watched a narrowboat chugging past, her mind busy with the surreal concept of having dated someone like Susannah. Not because of how it felt then—the surreal idea of Susannah dating someone so beneath her, but because of how it felt now—that Aya would date someone so beneath her. Now she saw the real Susannah McVey. Charm, cunning, and a beautiful façade, but with nothing other than cruelty and selfishness rattling around underneath. Hollow like a cheap porcelain doll.

  Susannah was the total opposite of the compassionate Gwen, who under her wonderful exterior had multitudes of thoughts, feelings, and memories. She was open and complicated like the universe.

  It struck Aya that her parents were closer in temperament to Susannah than Gwen. They weren’t ruthless like her, but they had little imagination, no need to analyse, no sense of adventure and wonder. They only wanted to do a good day’s work, watch some TV, and then go to bed. Perhaps have dinner and drinks with the neighbours once a month.

  There was nothing wrong with that, in fact they were probably happier than she was, but perhaps it was why they’d never understood her. They had never understood why she threw herself into boxing instead of getting a sensible job; why she daydreamed and obsessed; why she wanted to travel. Why she’d rather be alone than pass the time with people who didn’t understand her.

  She wasn’t alone anymore, though. Was she? The wind caught some of Gwen’s hair and blew it into her face, the tips of blue caressing her rosy cheekbone.

  Aya brushed them back before she had time to consider if she should. “Having fun? Well, no, this isn’t fun. No, that came out wrong. I’m having fun with you. I meant that this isn’t exactly a barrel of laughs. I mean—”

  “If I was enjoying the walk,” Gwen said. “No need to explain.”

  “Phew,” Aya said on an outbreath.

  Gwen gave her a hint of a smile. “I am. I can’t believe I’m saying this, since I’m not an outdoorsy person, but it’s actually nice to get some air and daylight.”

  “I know what you mean. It’s a pretty day, despite the cold wind.”

  Gwen buttoned up her coat and squinted up to the sky. “I wonder what countries this wind has swept through before blowing over us.”

  “The weather report said it came from the east. So Scandinavia? Russia?”

  Gwen leaned her head on Aya’s shoulder for a second. “Maybe even your Japan?”
/>
  “Maybe.”

  They walked in comfortable silence, watching pigeons settle on the window of a derelict pottery.

  Gwen yawned. Was she bored with her company? She wished she could make sure Gwen had as good a time as she was.

  “So, um, I’m sorry that I couldn’t think of a boost gift today.” Aya put her hands in her jacket pockets. “Like I’ve said, I’m better at planning outings than presents.”

  “Your presents have been perfect! Not that you have to give me any. As I’ve mentioned before, being with you is a boost,” Gwen said, her raspy voice warm. “This is a nice outing, isn’t it? Look at this ridiculously pretty day with the birdsong, autumn leaves blowing in the wind, and sunshine reflecting off the water. We’ve even got cute ducks.” She pointed to a flock of birds swimming along the canal.

  “They’re geese,” Aya mumbled, unable to keep from correcting her.

  “Huh?”

  “Geese, not ducks.”

  “Fine, Ms. Know It All.” Gwen gave her a pointed look with an amused eyebrow quirked. “Anyway, what were you thinking about before? You were smiling.”

  “Honestly? I was thinking about Susannah.”

  Aya froze as the words fell out of her mouth. Was that the wrong thing to say? Susannah was still a sore point, right?

  “I’ve thought about her, too.” Gwen wrapped her arms around herself. Was it because she was cold, or perhaps because she wanted to be held? Aya would gladly help but didn’t want to interrupt as Gwen continued. “It’s hard not to think of her when she was what brought us together, right? Or rather, the pining over her did. You and I obviously had different reasons for lusting after her, but do you know what I think connected your yearning to mine? What they had in common?”

  Aya thought for a second. “No.”

  “We were drawn to her confidence. She was so comfortable in her own skin. So confident that it brimmed over into arrogance, sure, but super confident, nonetheless. We both wanted that for ourselves, I think.”

  “That’s probably true, yes. Susannah is pathetic, but her belief in herself and how she learned to handle the world? That I still envy. There’s stuff there that a lot of us women need to learn.” Aya bent to remove two fallen leaves that had stuck to the top of her boot. “You’re definitely right about us being more attracted to her confidence than to the real her.” She caught Gwen’s eye before adding, “The fact that she was massively sexy didn’t hurt, though.”

  Gwen laughed. It goose-pimpled Aya’s skin. How she’d missed that sound!

  “You’d know more about her sexiness than me. Was she… you know?” Gwen gave her a quick, suggestive glance.

  It took a while before the penny dropped for Aya. “Are you asking what I think you’re asking?”

  Gwen had an air of innocence. “Of course not. Asking if she was good in bed would be highly inappropriate.”

  “Yeah, it would,” Aya agreed with a grin. “And yes, she was. Well, she was great at foreplay and receiving. Not so great at giving, if you know what I mean.”

  “Ha! Well, there’s a surprise,” Gwen drawled.

  “I know. I should’ve guessed. She once said that giving head, to either men or women, gave her migraines.”

  “What?!” Gwen said with an incredulous laugh. “Okay, so I don’t know anything about men in bed, but what about the other million ways to make a woman climax?”

  “She never mentioned them. I don’t get it. Making a woman come is the best thing in the world!”

  A grey-bearded dog walker appeared from a side path. He gaped at Aya as if he had actually caught her in the act, not just talking about it.

  Gwen laughed again, watching the man rush past them. “Oh, Aya. You have the best timing, sweetheart.”

  A tingle ran through Aya at that word. Sweetheart. Man, her rep as a tough loner was in tatters. Not that anyone knew but her. Not that anyone cared. Gwen certainly didn’t concern herself with reputations or with trying to be tough or cool. She was too busy living her life. Aya wanted to learn how to do that. Wanted to be surrounded by it.

  Gwen, unaware of Aya’s admiration, strolled along before stopping to hug her arms around herself again.

  “You cold?” Aya asked.

  “Yes. Maybe it’s because I’m not used to being out of the house. Or that the sunshine fooled me into thinking only a T-shirt under my coat would be okay.”

  “Probably both. Also, you’re recovering from lack of sleep and food. Here,” Aya said, taking her knitted scarf off and handing it over. “Put this on.”

  Gwen did, with a soft “thank you.”

  “You’re so very welcome.”

  They locked eyes until Aya got too self-conscious. “Hm. Where to now? I mean, do you want to keep on the canal path?”

  “No. Change of scenery. Let’s pop into the park!”

  With that, Gwen veered a hard left onto the side path. Aya stopped in her tracks and turned as well, as thrilled with Gwen calling the shots as she was with her never being predictable.

  Everything now, even a simple trip to the park, was exciting.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Handsome, Pretty, or Hot?

  Gwen sat in the waiting room. Her therapy session should’ve started by now, but Edward was running late. She texted Aya.

  Thanks for the walk yesterday. And for the dinner and movie afterwards. Clearly it was a good formula because I actually got a good night’s sleep last night. And guess what? I drew a little while having breakfast! xx

  A reply came in after only a few seconds.

  That’s great! It’s nice that you give me credit for that, but your recovery is all down to you, shug. Sorry to change the topic but can you believe I’m at work now? My first day. It feels so weird. I can do this, right? x

  Gwen wrote back:

  Absolutely. You can do this in your sleep. They’ll give you all the info and training you need. Other than that, you’re smart and hardworking. You’ve got this! xx

  Aya’s reply took a little longer to come in this time.

  I’m not so sure, but I trust your opinion. Anyway, it could be worse. A few weeks ago I would’ve been convinced that I COULDN’T do this. Shit, they’re calling me. Gotta go. See you later. xx

  Gwen replied with wishes of good luck. Then she too was called into an office. She wished it was work in her case, but then, therapy was more important right now. She had to get her mind working better. Then she could think about work.

  * * *

  An hour later, Gwen walked out of Edward’s building, thinking about what had been said. Her throat constricted. He’d talked about her clear improvement for the first part of the session. Then talk had turned to her insecure job situation and how she hadn’t looked into what paperwork she needed to fill out, what her employers needed to send her, and so on. He voiced worries about her financial situation, pointing out how dire it would be if she kept burying her head in the sand.

  She couldn’t argue. Her savings were running out. She was okay for food and rent, but how would she keep affording things like her Photoshop subscription? Even if she managed to draw again, she’d struggle to keep up with her commissions without it. She’d have to downgrade to cheaper software.

  She’d discuss it with Aya and Charlotte later at lunch, maybe even force herself to ask for help with the paperwork.

  However, when the three of them sat in Gwen’s kitchen, Charlotte had another topic in mind. She put her salad down with a miserable expression. “I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to spit it out. I think it’s time for me to move out.”

  “What?! No,” Gwen whinged. She hated whining, but it had come from the heart before she had time to stop it escaping her mouth.

  Charlotte put her hand over Gwen’s. “Love, it’s time. I need to get back to my own flat. Besides, you’re doing better.”

  “Yes,” Gwen had to agree.

  Charlotte bit her lip, as if trying not to smile. “Also, you don’t need me keep
ing you company when you have handsome Aya here every hour of the day.”

  “Not every hour,” Aya groused.

  “Well, every hour you’re not at the office or the gym,” Charlotte amended.

  “I’m not handsome,” Aya grumbled further.

  “No? Do you prefer pretty? Or hot?” Charlotte said with half a grin. “I mean, I can see that you’re attractive. I’m straight, not blind.” She turned to Gwen. “Maybe we should ask you. Is Aya handsome, pretty, or hot?”

  Gwen made a point of avoiding looking at Aya. She had a feeling that Aya was doing the same. Charlotte opened her salad with a hint of a smirk.

  Gwen slumped in her seat. Not because of the attractiveness discussion, she could simply ignore that, but at the thought of being alone in the flat. Even so, she couldn’t be selfish and ask Charlotte to stay. It was time.

  “You’re right,” Gwen said. “You should get back to your own space, especially for when you want to bring blokes home. I’ll miss you, though.”

  “We’ll still see each other all the time, duck,” Charlotte said, patting her hand on the table. “I’ll move out in a couple of days, then?”

  “Yep! I’ll help,” Gwen said, making a concerted effort to not sound sad.

  Something was waved in front of her face; she moved back enough to see that it was Aya’s sandwich.

  “Want a bite? It’s wholegrain with egg and turkey for a huge protein hit. Great for building muscles to help someone move. And to throw a proper right hook,” Aya said with a wink.

  Gwen couldn’t help but laugh before she took a big bite, making sure to snag Aya’s fingers with her teeth.

  Aya drew her hand and sandwich back. “Ouch! She bites! You have to stay, Charlotte. I can’t be left with this bitey monster.”