Pining & Loving

by Emma Sterner-Radley

  Gwen pressed their foreheads together closer. “It would risk our friendship.”

  “Yeah, it would. Sure, if the relationship goes to hell, we’d still try to be friends. But it wouldn’t be the same, would it?”

  “No,” Gwen whispered, moving their faces apart. “On the other hand, will our friendship be the same after that kiss? Hasn’t everything already changed? Hasn’t it… deepened?”

  That current of electricity buzzed through Aya again, singing in her blood. “Absolutely.”

  “I think we have to try dating, then. I sure as bloody hell want to,” Gwen said with a beaming smile. Aya couldn’t take her eyes off that smile, that mouth which was heaven to her.

  Aya wanted to shout with joy. Instead, she pulled Gwen flush against her for another kiss. That was when the skies opened. They kept kissing, and the rain kept worsening. Somehow the sprinkling of tiny raindrops felt like a celebration to Aya, like confetti on newlyweds outside a church.

  Aya’s mind half focused on the incredible kiss and half mocked her soppy imagination.

  What the hell has happened to me?

  Gwen broke the kiss to give an exulted laugh. She whirled around in the rain, hands held out and face to the sky. Aya watched the rain streak her mascara, but she clearly didn’t care. Gwen Davies didn’t care what people thought about someone dancing in the rain and taking up the whole pavement. Nor how her makeup looked. Nor if her clothes were ruined. She was savouring her happiness with every fibre of her being.

  Aya shivered, as much due to the chilly rain as from being awed by the sight.

  Oh, yeah. That’s what happened to me. Gwen happened to me. She laughed, too, and watched the woman she adored dance, brimming with pride and affection.

  Thank god she happened to me.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  The Millionth Session and the First Date

  Gwen glared at her watch. She wanted to spend every second with Aya, talking to her, kissing her, touching her. Most of all, she wanted to focus on their first real date tonight.

  Not happening, though. She had to focus on herself as well, on her recovery and her future. She was a grown woman and had learned the dangers of being swallowed whole by a relationship.

  So here she was, in her therapist’s dingy chair for the millionth time, telling him about how being hired to draw art for her favourite writer had meant a lot of internet buzz, not to mention new commissions.

  “Most of all, though,” she said, “I’m excited about November suggesting—”

  “November,” Edward interrupted. “That’s this favourite author of yours?”

  “Yes. November Jones. I’m excited about her suggesting we work together. She mentioned an idea for a web comic.”

  “A comic book?”

  “Yes, but they’re posted online. I mean, they can be in book form, too, but that’ll come later. If we get it right and it sells well, there could be a whole series.”

  “Good, good. That would bring some income. Maybe you could sell merchandise then, too?” Edward said with his first real smile of the session.

  “Um. Yes, perhaps.”

  His smile dissolved. “I’m sorry to be crass here, but your financial situation needs cash flow.”

  “I know,” she bit out. “Most comic creators don’t make a fortune, though. I’ll have to have another source of income. Anyway, one thing at a time.” Time for a topic change, she decided. “Like with Aya. Tonight is our first date, and I’m trying not to get ahead of myself.”

  He started making notes. “Ahead of yourself as in expecting sex?”

  “Ahead of myself as in proposing marriage.”

  He nearly dropped his pen. “Oh.”

  “That,” she said with a laugh, “is how we lesbians, or rather all sapphics, tend to operate. We bring a spare key on the first date. Keep up, Edward.”

  “Right. Of course. Carry on.”

  Gwen sat back. “Well, I know what I’m doing for the date. I’m giving her a little bright-spark moment, or boost, or whatever you want to call it.”

  “That’s great.” He gave her a searching look. “Speaking of those, I hope you’re finding some of those for yourself and not relying on a romantic partner to provide what appears to be vital to your mental health.”

  Gwen crossed and uncrossed her legs. “Um, shouldn’t I rely on her? After all, we’re dating, so she’ll be my teammate in life. You have to lean on your teammate at times, right?”

  “Lean, yes. Utterly rely on, no.”

  “Okay. Makes sense. I’ll find the balance there.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. Striving for balance is crucial. Especially for those of us with mental illnesses.”

  “Us?”

  He gave a curt nod. “I have OCD. Not the worst case I’ve encountered, but not the lightest case either.”

  Unconsciously, he reached down and tugged his sock further over his trouser leg. Gwen wanted to smack herself. All this time, she had been making fun of a trait that was a symptom of his condition!

  I suppose you really never know about a person’s life until you look closer.

  Edward wasn’t merely some neurotypical, conventional academic with bad fashion sense. He could relate to her more than she’d realised.

  She sat up straighter, determined to take him more seriously. “Thanks for telling me.”

  “You’re welcome. Now, should we talk about how you’re going to keep your improvement stable, despite financial troubles and the overwhelming rush of hormones falling in love brings?”

  “Yes,” Gwen said, opening an entryway in her defensive wall. “I promise not to change the topic this time. Let’s do it.”

  * * *

  The evening finally settled and Aya knocked on her door, just like she’d done countless times. This time, however, was immeasurably different than all the rest.

  Gwen rushed to the mirror to tousle her hair and check her makeup, then ran to the door. Aya was wearing her hair down, skin-tight grey jeans, and a burgundy cashmere jumper that fit criminally well. All her clothes hugged her as tightly as Gwen wanted to hug her. Aya put on the black peacoat she’d been holding. She was nervous, judging by her darting gaze and jerky movements.

  “Hey gorgeous,” Gwen said.

  Aya blinked repeatedly. “Hey… uh, bugger me, I don’t even have a word to describe how great you look.”

  “Thanks,” Gwen said, subtly tugging her wide-necked blouse down to show off her collar bones. And her cleavage, of course. She didn’t wear this strapless, push-up bra for nothing.

  Aya cleared her throat and bolted forward to pull Gwen into a quick hug. She hoped Aya could smell their shared cologne on her.

  “No need to come in,” she said, grabbing her winter coat off the hook. “We’re heading straight out.”

  “Okay? And you can’t tell me what we’re doing, shug?”

  “Nope. Surprise adventure.”

  “Fine. Can you at least tell me if were walking there or if we’re taking Janet?”

  “We could walk since it’s unseasonably warm tonight. It’d be faster if we drove, though,” Gwen said as she locked the front door.

  Aya pushed the lift button. “Janet it is, then.”

  Gwen stood next to her, expecting to wait for the lift while stealing glances at this sexy woman. Aya had other plans. She pushed Gwen up against the lift door and kissed her, deep and hard.

  Gwen dropped her coat but didn’t much care. She needed her hands to hold Aya flush against her. She felt Aya’s heart pound through her sweater. Or was that her own heart echoing into Aya’s chest?

  The lift arrived with a ping. That sound might as well have been a microwave beep denoting that her libido was ready and bubbling over.

  Aya moved away. “Sorry. I couldn’t resist you.”

  “Oh… please don’t resist me,” Gwen said, clearing her throat and trying to clear her dizzy head. “Feel free to not resist me at any time during tonight.”

  Staggerin
g, Aya picked up Gwen’s coat and handed it to her. “You dropped this.”

  “Right. Thank you. So, um, what were we doing again?”

  Aya grabbed the wall. Clearly Gwen wasn’t the only one whose blood flow had gushed from her brain down between her thighs.

  “The lift,” Aya finally said.

  “What? Oh yes, we were getting in the lift.”

  “We can’t be all over each other like that for a while. Not if I’m going to be able to drive us to this mystery location.”

  “Noted. We’ll slow down and keep ourselves to ourselves for now.”

  They got into the lift, both smiling.

  * * *

  Gwen noted that Aya’s shoulders were up by her ears. She knew the feeling. Their conversation on the way over had gone from tentative to strangely polite small talk. It was palpable in the tense air just how much this date meant to both of them.

  Gwen put her hand on her chest, unsurprised to find her heart pummelling against it like a moth trapped in a jar. God, I hope she likes her surprise.

  Finally, they arrived at a field outside of Stoke. It belonged to her awful Coffee4U co-worker Dave. Gwen had sought him out, told him off for giving out her home address to Aya, and then blackmailed him into lending her this field. It belonged to his parents, but he and his mates set up movie nights here in the style of an American drive-in, with picnic blankets instead of cars, throughout summer.

  On this quiet, autumn evening, it was set up only for them. Three blankets to sit on and then one each to cuddle up with. Next to them waited an ice bucket filled with Aya’s favourite brand of beer. Behind that was a big Tupperware box of Aya’s favourite sandwiches and another filled with sweet and savoury snacks.

  Aya took it all in. “We’re having our date here?”

  “Yep. Unless you think it’ll be too cold?”

  “Not with all those blankets and our coats. Or with this hot company I’ve got.”

  Gwen gave her a wink, trying to cover up the fact that any compliments after her self-hating down phase meant so damn much to her, especially coming from Aya. “I wanted to arrange that outdoors picnic we talked about, but with an added bonus.”

  Aya smiled, almost shyly. “Is the bonus that we get to watch a movie?”

  “Yes, but not just any movie. Guess what we’re watching.”

  The smile morphed into puzzlement. “What?”

  “That boxing biography you told me Susannah refused to take you to.”

  “No!” Aya breathed.

  “Yep. I bought a digital copy, and it’s ready to be projected onto that screen. Our own little cinema.”

  Aya opened her mouth, but no words came. Instead she whooped and picked Gwen up to spin her round in celebration.

  Flying through the air, Gwen craned her head to kiss Aya’s soft hair. Only the hair—she didn’t dare get embroiled in one of those insane make-out sessions again. They’d never get to the movie, and she knew how important it was to Aya.

  When her feet were back on the ground, she said, “Come on, let’s feed those muscles of yours and get the movie going.”

  Gwen started the projector the way Dave had showed her. She peered up at the twilight sky and begged the weather to stay nice.

  She sat down as the movie started and was handed a sandwich and tucked into her blanket by Aya. They ate and watched, sitting so close that they kept bumping each other with elbows and hands. Aya’s body was stiff. Gwen didn’t blame her; despite the cosiness, the mood was strange. It felt loaded with too many expectations and too much fear of screwing this up.

  About half an hour in, there was a scene where the boxer ran through the landscape, set to atmospheric music. Gwen used that moment to ask, “Enjoying the movie?”

  “So much! I can’t believe I missed it at the cinema because Susannah was such a selfish cow.”

  Gwen snorted a little. “She was, wasn’t she? God, I can’t believe you let her treat you like that.”

  “What?” Aya said.

  Her tone sounded a little short. Gwen assumed it was because she was focused on the movie, where the dialogue had just started.

  I’ll just quickly explain and then let her get back to enjoying the movie.

  “I just meant that it still surprises me that you didn’t tell her to buzz off sooner. You’re a clever woman, you know you could do so much better.”

  Aya shifted and grimaced as if she’d eaten something sour. “Well, not everyone can be as insightful as you.” A muscle bounced in her cheek before she added, “And I guess you’re suggesting that you’re the ‘so much better,’ huh?”

  Any cosiness drained from the air between them. It sunk through the blankets and deep into the ground. Aya’s short tone hadn’t been because she was focusing on the movie, then. Why was she so prickly and rude all of a sudden?

  “Hey, no need to be like that,” Gwen said, trying to be the calm one.

  “And there’s no bloody need to keep rubbing my bad taste in women in my face!”

  “Whoa. I meant no offence. If I was claiming you had bad taste in women, I wouldn’t be doing myself any favours, would I?” Recrimination had snuck into her tone. How could it not when this touched a nerve, when she knew deep down that she wasn’t good enough for Aya?

  “We should stop talking about this. Watch the movie,” Aya snapped, facing the screen.

  Gwen considered that, her heart thumping. But being quiet and letting this fester was a ridiculous idea. No, she had to explain what she’d meant, and they had to clear the air.

  “Look, I know you only stayed with her because she was a symbol for your fight to regain your confidence. You saw that she wasn’t good for you early on. You just didn’t want to believe it.”

  Aya kept her gaze on the screen, that muscle in her cheek still bouncing. “Thanks for telling me what I did and how I felt.”

  “Well, someone has to, because you have no clue, do you?” Gwen sniped.

  Aya moved away from Gwen before roaring, “Would you stop being so superior and know-it-all and just watch the bollocking movie like I asked you to?”

  Gwen pulled back. “Did you really just shout at me? Over something like this?”

  Aya threw her arms out in a gesture of exasperation. “Do you even know how to be quiet? The chatterbox thing is all very charming when we’re not trying to focus on something, but right now you need to sh—”

  Gwen stabbed a finger towards her. “Do not tell me to shut up, Aya Jane Lawson. I’ve had enough of that throughout my life. I’m damn well not putting up with it from someone who’s meant to care about me. Especially not on a date!”

  “Then maybe we should end the bloody date,” Aya said through gritted teeth.

  “Yeah. I think we should.”

  “Great,” Aya growled as she stood. “Come on. I’ll drive you home.”

  Gwen crossed her arms over her chest. “I can walk.”

  “Just get in the bloody jeep,” Aya said and marched off.

  Gwen considered throwing a sandwich after Aya but stopped herself. Sadness was replacing her anger. She had inadvertently pushed Aya’s buttons, and she’d done it on a night when Aya had clearly been nervous and insecure. It didn’t excuse it, but it did explain it.

  Shit. Why did we have to talk about Susannah?

  She got up and followed Aya. She wasn’t giving up on this night, or on their budding relationship.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Undressing Her

  When Aya had walked Gwen to the door of her flat, she had decided she wasn’t going to come in. She was going to watch Gwen slam the door, glad to know she was home safely even if Aya was furious with her.

  Why was she so furious with her? Aya closed her eyes, trying to sort her feelings while Gwen unlocked the door. It was because she’d tried so hard to be perfect for this amazing woman and then Gwen’s comments had highlighted how stupid she was. She’d felt pitied. And patronised. Now, regret took over. She’d been channelling her dad back ther
e on the blanket, temper flaring, shouting, and then shutting down the conversation.

  Why was I such an arsehole? I should’ve told her how I felt. I’m so bloody awkward!

  She opened her eyes and saw that Gwen was in her flat. Good. Now she could escape and hide until she could calmly figure out how to explain her feelings and apologise. Maybe even get an apology back.

  “Ah, bollocks!” She heard Gwen shout.

  “What’s wrong?” she said, worry creeping in.

  “I must’ve left Meatloaf’s cage door ajar. She’s not in her cage. Come in and close the door!”

  Aya didn’t question the order. As she rushed into the kitchen, Gwen was switching the light off in there.

  She turned to Aya. “She’s not in this room. The only door that was open was the one to the living room. She must be in there.”

  “Okay,” Aya said, unsure of what to do.

  “Could you help me search for her? Please? It’s not a big room, it’ll be quick.”

  “Sure.” She sought Gwen’s flitting gaze. “Hey. Don’t worry. We’ll find her.”

  When in the living room, Aya concentrated on the task at hand, pushing her anxious hurt down deep.

  Gwen switched on a wall light, even though the purplish glow of twilight and the full moon bathed the room in lilac and silver. Perfect light to see an orange fluff ball on a beige carpet.

  Gwen squirmed. “I do have to find her. B-but it’s not the end of the world if we don’t. There are no exposed cables in here, and the other doors are closed so she’s safe at least.”

  “It’s okay. We’ll find her. Little beast is probably under the sofa,” Aya muttered, throwing her coat on the table.

  They got on their hands and knees, but the sofa was too flush to the ground. Gwen lay flat on her stomach to look. Aya followed suit.

  “Can you see her?”

  Gwen hummed. “There’s something over there.”

  “Where?”