“Florrie,” Cap mused. “Is there something I can help you with?”
“I need information on Reid.”
He sighed and motioned for me to take a seat. I didn’t want to sit, not with the anger humming through my body, but I did as he asked.
“The report is the same as it has been every day since they got out to Utah. He’s doing good. OPS isn’t seeing any reason to intervene.” He picked up a paper off his desk and started reading. “According to Red’s report, he walks to school every day with his cousins and a few of the neighbor kids. After school, he plays basketball outside until his aunt and uncle call him in for dinner. He does his homework after dinner and then watches TV before he goes to bed.”
He put the paper down and looked up at me.
“That’s just a report. That doesn’t tell me if he’s happy or if he’s safe.”
“Florrie, there is nothing to suggest that he’s not safe. Now, I know you miss him, but there’s nothing here to warrant us filing a report with a social worker or me sending Red’s team in to get him out.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back. “You’re not looking hard enough. You were on Alec’s side to begin with. You don’t want to find anything.”
“Do you really think that Alec would leave Reid there if he thought he was in danger?”
I looked away. No, I didn’t think Alec would, but I was too pissed off to admit it right now.
“Florrie,” Cap said, coaxing me to look at him. When I finally met his eyes, there was only sympathy there. “I’m sorry. I really am. I wish that I could get Reid back for you, but at some point, you have to move forward with your life. I’ll keep an eye on him. I swear, I won’t stop watching out for him, but you can’t keep living like this. It’s not fair to you or Alec.”
I stood, unable to listen anymore to his bullshit. Anger was all I had, and I wasn’t letting that go. If I didn’t have anger on my side, I would be forced to deal with all these feelings running through me. I would be forced to deal with the fact that maybe Alec was right, and Reid never belonged here with me. And if he didn’t belong with me, then what the hell had I been fighting for over the past year?
“Florrie!” Cap called after me as I ran out of his office. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I just knew that I had this anger inside of me and no way to control it. I was so blinded by my anger that I didn’t even realize that I ran into someone until a strong hand gripped onto me.
“Whoa. What’s the rush?”
“Move out of my way,” I snapped at Cazzo. He crossed his arms over his chest and quirked an eyebrow at me.
“Is there some reason that I pissed you off that I don’t know about?”
“How about the fact that you’re standing in my fucking way?”
He chuckled, rubbing his hand across his jaw. “Yeah, I can see how that would cause that bubbly personality of yours to come out.”
“Whatever.” I shoved past him, but he gripped onto my arm, refusing to let me go.
“Does Alec get the pleasure of this wonderful attitude every night?”
“What the fuck does it matter to you? Or have you suddenly sided with him?”
He held up his hands, backing up a step. “You know I’m on your side, but you have to lock down that attitude.”
“Why should I?”
“Do you like walking around being that angry all the time? Because I’ve been there. I’ve been pissed at the world and ready to tell anyone that came near me to fuck off. I pushed away my whole goddamn team and anyone else that was within five feet of me.”
“And yet you still stand here today,” I said sarcastically.
“Because I was lucky enough to have someone stand by me that could help me see what I was missing out on.”
“I don’t need Alec. He’s the reason I’m in this mess.”
Cazzo’s face softened and he shook his head slightly. “It seems that way, but it’s not really his fault.”
“How do you figure? If it weren’t for him, I would still have my kid.”
“Florrie, Alec is everything to you. We can all see that. We all know what he means to you. You can push him away all you want, but it’s not going to work. He’s not going to leave you no matter how much you try to make him. Can’t you see that he would do anything for you?”
I snorted. “Yeah, he would do anything for me, right? He loves me so much that he helped the Fullers take Reid from me. You say he loves me so much that he would do anything for me, but you know what? He’s useless. When I needed him he wasn’t there. So, don’t try and convince me that we belong together, because it’s not true. I need a man that would do anything for me, and that’s not him. He’s no man at all.”
I spun around to leave and came face to face with Alec and Sinner. Alec’s jaw was set hard, but his eyes were defeated. I momentarily felt bad for what he had just overheard, but then my anger surged and I just couldn’t bring myself to care.
“Do you get it now?” I snapped.
He nodded, but didn’t say anything. Where was the man that fought with me and forced me to listen to him? This wasn’t Alec. This was some pathetic version of him that I didn’t recognize anymore. He wasn’t the man I wanted or needed anymore. He was just this awful knockoff of the man I once loved.
I scoffed and pushed past him. “You’re fucking useless.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Alec
“Wow,” Sinner said from beside me. “She just took your balls in her hand and squeezed the fuck out of them. I’m serious. I can feel that shit in my own balls.”
The last thing I needed was others witnessing how humiliating it was to be on the opposite side of Florrie right now. And the thing was, I couldn’t fight back. She was angry with me, and she had every right to be. Whether I felt justified in my decision or not, I had hurt her by going against her. That anger that she felt, I knew it ran deep and I knew it would be hard for her to get past. I just had to ride it out.
“Are you seriously just going to take that shit?” Sinner asked.
“She’s angry,” I answered, still feeling her words cut deep. “She needs to hurt me because I hurt her.”
“It’s not right,” Cazzo said. “I didn’t agree with you either, but fuck, man. She shouldn’t be talking about you like that, not to anyone else. If she wants to say that shit in private, that’s one thing, but not to your coworkers. That’s crossing a line.”
“You think I don’t know that? Do you think I like hearing her say that I’m not a man? That I’m fucking pathetic? I fucking hate every second of it. It tears me apart that she feels that way, but she’s so fucking angry right now that she can’t even see what she’s doing to us. And I don’t know how to help her through it. I did something that she can’t forgive.”
“Yeah, but if she keeps up with that shit, she’s just going to drive a wedge between the two of you that’s so deep there’s no coming out of it in one piece,” Cazzo said. “You can’t let her do that shit to you. And if you keep letting her walk all over you, you’re not the man that she fell for.”
“So, you want me to push back with her? Do you really think that will make her forgive me?”
“It’s gotta be better than laying down and taking it,” Sinner said. “I see where you’re coming from, but enough is enough. She’s been cutting you off at the balls long enough.”
“And I’ll continue to take anything she has to throw at me to prove that I’ll still be here for her when she’s ready,” I snapped.
Sinner shook his head. “You’re a better man than me. I couldn’t have walked in on what you just did and still stand here in one piece. I mean, I love Cara with all my heart, but if she said that shit about me, I would be out the door.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one that has to walk out the fucking door.”
I shoved past him and walked out the door. Everyone had a fucking opinion, but Florrie’s was the only one I cared about at the mome
nt. She was the only one that mattered, but the only one that I just couldn’t reach. I needed something, anything to pull her back from the edge. But no amount of apologies were doing anything for me. Acts of love and kindness just pissed her off. Holding her at night only made her angry. Talking to her was like talking to a brick wall. Even sparring with her was useless. I let her beat the shit out of me, but that only seemed to make her even more angry. Nothing I did seemed to help.
I drove to the bar, my new escape when Florrie was especially hateful to me. Over the past few weeks, I had come to this bar at least three times a week. Sometimes one of the guys would join me, but they had come to realize that I didn’t want the company. So, they backed off and let me have my space. Today was no different. I knew that Craig wanted to follow me when I stormed out of Reed Security, but at the shake of my head, he stopped walking my way and left me alone.
Now, here I sat, alone at the bar and drinking again. I never drank to get drunk, although I’d thought about it many times. No, I just drank now to feel a little like my old self. I used to love to come in and have a beer and just relax. There was no way of relaxing at my house anymore. Tension filled every room, and even when Florrie and I weren’t yelling at each other, the silence was enough to kill me. I couldn’t figure out how to break the cycle.
“Hey, stranger.”
I glanced to my right and saw Amanda take a seat beside me. I hadn’t seen her since the hardware store a little over a month ago.
“Hey. How did the painting project go?”
“Eh. I’m not a very good painter. I wish I had known that before I started.”
“Yeah? What happened?”
“Well, I saw this really cool color scheme online and thought it would be perfect for my bedroom.”
“Why does this not sound like it turned out well?”
She smirked. “Because it didn’t. The colors were a pale blue for the wall and a blood red for the ceiling. It looked absolutely amazing in the picture.”
“But….”
“Well, I don’t have crown molding, which really changed the look. Also, I have a popcorn ceiling, so now it looks like there’s blood dripping from the ceiling.”
I choked on my beer, letting the laughter flow from my body. It felt so good to have the release, just a little tension reliever to go with my beer. “You know, I could have done that for you for free.”
“Yeah?”
“Sure. Find me a bad guy and I’ll take him out in your apartment. No need to buy all the paint.”
“But then it would smell,” she pointed out.
“Well, there is that, but at least you would have a good story to go with it,” I chuckled. My laughter died down as I picked at the label on my bottle. I blew out a breath, not realizing until right now how long it had been since I had something to laugh about, or actually wanted to laugh. My life had become this sad joke that I had no chance of escaping, and I was tired of living like this. I wanted things to go back to the way they were, back when Florrie and I loved each other and wanted a life together. What we had now was nothing close to life.
“Hey,” Amanda said, bumping her shoulder into mine. “What’s going on? You look really sad.”
I smirked slightly and let out a breath. “Life just sucks.”
“Yeah, I could agree with that. You know, I thought I would be so happy to get away from my husband, but…I don’t know. I miss him sometimes. I just thought things would get easier.”
“I thought so too.” I ran my hand along my jaw, trying to decide how much to say. I didn’t want to spread my shit to a stranger, but if anyone got it, I’m sure she would. “My fiancé and I took in this kid almost a year ago now. He was a good kid. He’d had a hard life, but he was doing good with us. Then the state told us that he had family out there that wanted him. Florrie, my fiancé, she wanted to fight for him, to keep him with us. But I didn’t want to take him away from his family. I thought…if he has someone out there that wants him…” I shrugged, hoping that I didn’t have to go into all the details of it.
“So, he got sent to live with his family,” she surmised.
“Yeah, a few months ago. Florrie blames me. She can’t forgive me for not fighting harder for custody. She uh…she can’t have kids so…”
“Wow. That must have been a real kick in the pants for her.”
I nodded.
“So, what happens to the two of you now?”
I sighed heavily. “I’m not sure anymore. There’s a lot of anger and hatred, and I don’t know how to get back to what we once had. You know what I mean?” I asked, looking into her eyes.
I saw the understanding there, but also the resignation, like she was trying to tell me what I already knew. “Sometimes there’s no going back. Sometimes the choices we make change the way our lives turn out, and there’s nothing we can do about it.”
“So, you think I’m screwed,” I laughed.
She placed her hand on mine and gave a small squeeze. “I think that if you love her, you should fight for her. But if you think it’s over, don’t waste your time with someone that’s going to make you unhappy. You seem to be a good guy. I don’t know you that well, but I hate to see you so sad.”
There was something that passed between us as we stared at each other. It wasn’t exactly a spark or chemistry, but it was enough to make both of us pull back and pretend that whatever it was didn’t just happen. Clearing my throat, I tossed some bills down on the counter and stood.
“Thanks for the advice,” I said, smiling down on her.
“Anytime. I’ll be here for a little bit if you need another morsel or two of advice.”
“Got a stockpile of it, huh?”
She shrugged lightly. “What can I say? Life experience is something I’ve got in spades right now.”
“Well, I’m sure I’ll be around again to pick your brain.”
✯✯✯✯✯
I drove home, determined to get through to Florrie tonight. Amanda was right. I needed to fight with whatever was left in me or I needed to move on. And since I felt like I would die without Florrie, fighting was the only option. I pulled into the driveway and pulled my jacket up over my head as I stepped out of the truck. It had started to rain on the way home, sending a chill through me, almost like a warning.
When I walked inside, Florrie glared at me and walked away. I ran up to her, grabbing her by the arm and spinning her around. “You don’t get to keep walking away from me. We need to talk this shit out.”
“Oh, now you want to talk about something? It would have been nice if you had talked about a lot of stuff with me, but you never did.”
“How long are you going to keep throwing that shit in my face? Is there any part of you that can understand where I’m coming from? Can’t you see how much this is tearing me up inside?”
“No,” she yelled, jerking her arm out of my grasp. “I can’t see it, because if you were really torn up inside, you would be feeling the same way I do. But you’re off bonding with your new team and building a deck-”
“While recovering from a head injury you gave me,” I spat.
“You deserved it and so much more.”
“Yeah, you’ve told me. You’ve also told me how fucking worthless I am to you. Tell me, is there any part of you that still loves me?”
“What’s to love? You tore my fucking heart out! There’s nothing left for me to give!”
“There’s me,” I said, dragging her up against me. “You have me left, but you’re too fucking stubborn to see that. I love you, Florrie. I’ve always fucking loved you. I’ve been fighting to have you by my side ever since you walked into that bar in that sexy dress and gave me the signal that you wanted me. But even before that, I was praying every fucking night that I would be lucky enough to have you one day. But you’re so goddamn stubborn. Every time we take a step forward, you take three steps back. You’re always fucking running from me. You have to stop fucking running. You have to let this shit go and f
orgive me!”
“Let it go? Like it’s that simple?”
I gripped her tighter when I felt her trying to jerk away. I wasn’t letting go this time. “It is that fucking simple. This was a bump in the road, but we can have us back. You just have to fucking forget all this crap and remember what we have.”
She stared at me like she was seeing an alien. She shook her head slowly, her mouth dropping open in astonishment. “Just forget it…That’s really what you think I need to do? Just walk away from someone that I love more than anything and pretend he never existed?”
“I didn’t say that-”
“You didn’t have to! You’re asking me to forget the one person that mattered to me more than anything. Well, guess what? You took him away and now you’re the only person that doesn’t matter at all to me.”
I stared into those hard eyes, praying I would see some sign that she didn’t mean what she just said, but there was nothing but emptiness there. I swallowed hard, forcing myself to take a step back from her. I slowly uncurled my fingers from her arm and released her. She jerked her arm back and shook her head at me. There was nothing left there. I had tried. I did whatever I could to get her back, but she was lost to me. The woman staring back at me wasn’t the woman I loved. I didn’t recognize this person.
Nightingale: A Reed Security Romance Page 25