by Chris Colfer
“Well, well, well,” said a woman with an eye patch. “Look what we have here.”
“What are you two scallywags doing in the middle of the sea?” asked a woman with enormous lips. “Too young to be in the navy, too fair to be pirates.”
Conner almost stepped on a pirate behind him and jumped. Having no legs, the pirate walked on her hands and held a dagger with her teeth.
“My guess is they were stowaways!” the legless pirate said. “I’m surprised the sharks didn’t find them first!”
Conner couldn’t believe his characters were living and breathing before his eyes. The women were just as rough, dirty, and sunburned as he had imagined them. He grinned from ear to ear and jumped up and down.
“I’m so happy to see you guys!” he said.
The pirates tilted their heads at him like confused puppies. No one had ever been happy to see them before.
“Guys, it’s me!” Conner said. “I’m Conner Bailey!”
The pirates raised their eyebrows and scratched their heads—should they know who he was?
“Who?” asked a pirate with a round, flat face.
“Oh, come on.” Conner laughed. “I’m the author!”
“Author of what?” asked a pirate with bare feet.
“Of this story,” he said. “I created this ocean, I created this ship, and I created all of you. Do you really not recognize me?”
Conner thought for sure it would have clicked by now, but the pirates still stared at him awkwardly, just as perplexed as before.
“He’s been marooned for too long—the boy’s gone mad,” said a pirate with a peg leg, and the other pirates nodded in agreement.
Conner was getting frustrated. “I’m not crazy,” he said. “Look, where is Auburn Sally? Let me talk to her. I’m sure she’ll straighten this whole thing out. This is my own fault—I should have written you guys to be smarter.”
The pirates stopped looking puzzled and began staring daggers at him. Alex covered her face and let out a sigh—this wasn’t going to be as easy as her brother thought.
“Oooooh, Captain,” the pirate with the eye patch called. “There’s someone down here who’d like to have a word with you!”
Suddenly, a woman did a backflip off the upper deck and landed directly in front of the twins. She wore a large black hat, a long brown coat, tall boots, and she had a sword and pistol attached to her thick belt. Alex knew this was Auburn Sally from the minute she laid eyes on her. If her acrobatics weren’t enough to give it away, the captain looked exactly like Goldilocks. The only difference in their features was the captain’s long locks of auburn hair.
“Sally!” Conner said like he was seeing an old friend—because, technically, he was. He stepped toward the captain to give her a hug, but Auburn Sally quickly drew her pistol and aimed it at his head.
“Am I supposed to know you, boy?” Auburn Sally asked.
Conner was shocked by the treatment he was receiving from his own characters. He had expected a warm and gracious welcome, but instead the heroine of his story was holding a gun to his head. Without him none of them would even exist! He wondered if this was what an underappreciated parent felt like.
He held his hands up and backed away from the pistol. “Okay, time out!” he said. “Everyone just calm down and let me explain! My name is Conner Bailey, and this is my sister, Alex. I know this is hard to believe, but I’m your creator! We are living in a short story I wrote for my eighth-grade English class!”
Auburn Sally looked at him with more perplexity than that of all her crew added together. “He’s got yellow fever,” she said. “Prepare the plank! We need to get him off the ship at once!”
“I’m not sick, either!” Conner said. “Fine! If you don’t believe me, I’ll prove it!”
He walked around the circle of women, pointing at each pirate.
“That’s Winking Wendy, Fish-Lips Lucy, Somersault Sydney, Pancake-Face Patty, Stinky-Feet Phoebe, and that’s Peg-Leg Peggy,” he said.
“I prefer Margret,” said the pirate with the peg leg.
“Fine, Margret,” Conner said, and rolled his eyes. “In the back, that’s High-Tide Tabitha, Catfish Kate, Too-Much-Rum Ronda, Big-Booty Bertha, Not-So-Jolly Joan, and up in the crow’s nest, that’s Siren Sue. Your captain is Auburn Sally, this ship is called the Dolly Llama, and you’re all searching the Caribbean for buried treasure!”
Conner crossed his arms confidently and waited for their apologies. The pirates were startled by how much he knew. They all looked at their captain, waiting to see how she would respond.
“There’s only one explanation for how a young man we’ve never met before could possibly know so much,” Auburn Sally said. “He’s a warlock! Tie him and his sister up! We’ll burn them at the stake on the next island we find!”
Before they knew it, the twins’ backpacks were yanked off and they were pushed against the mainmast. The pirates wrapped ropes around their bodies, binding their torsos to the ship. Conner was so mad, he turned bright red.
“Let us go or you’ll be sorry!” he yelled. “Just wait until I get home! I’m going to write a sequel where you all get shipwrecked and have to eat your boots to survive!”
The pirates laughed at his attempts to scare them. Winking Wendy pulled the ropes even tighter just to spite him.
“Keep it up, Wendy! We’ll see who’s laughing when I have a seagull peck out your other eye!” Conner warned. “Alex, can you believe this?”
“How did you expect them to react?” she asked. “What would you do if a guy showed up out of nowhere and told us we were characters in his story?”
“I would punch him in the face for making everything so damn difficult!” he said. “Alex, you’ve got to do something! Zap them with a sleeping spell, turn them into sea horses—anything!”
“No!” Alex yelled. “I’ve been asking you for days if you needed any help planning, and you told me you had everything under control! Well, so far we almost drowned, we narrowly missed being crushed by a ship, and now we’re being captured by your pirates! You and I have different definitions of under control!”
“Alex, don’t be a child!” Conner said.
“Grow up, Conner!” she said. “This is your mess—you clean it up!”
“Fine, I will!” he yelled. “I don’t need you or your stupid magic! I’ll find a way out of this myself!”
Although Alex and Conner were tied up right next to each other, they each pretended the other wasn’t there and pouted in silence.
A strong ocean breeze began clearing the mist and uncovered the sun. Soon the ship had a breathtaking view of the ocean surrounding it. There was nothing to see but the bright blue Caribbean Sea for miles around them.
Captain Auburn Sally returned to the upper deck and wrapped her hands around the large helm. She looked out at the open water and a radiant smile spread across her face. There was nothing keeping her back and no one to stop her; she was surrounded by an abundance of freedom and possibilities. Conner remembered writing about that expression—it was the expression he always wished the real Goldilocks could have more often.
“Once again, it’s a beautiful day to be a pirate,” Auburn Sally said to her crew. “Ladies, lower the sales!”
The twins looked up, expecting the sails above them to come down and fill with the ocean air. Instead, Siren Sue peeked out of the crow’s nest with a treasure chest full of scarves, jewelry, hooks, and weapons. The other pirates gathered below her with hands full of gold coins.
“You heard the captain—time to lower the sales!” Siren Sue announced. “For a limited time, everything is half off! Scarves are two coins, earrings are four coins, necklaces are six coins, and the rifles are eight coins! Get your accessories while the sales are low!”
Siren Sue sold off the items to the pirates below until there was nothing left in her chest. The women ogled their new purchases and showed them off to one another. It absolutely baffled Alex, and when she glanced at Conner, he
looked just as confused as she did.
“I don’t understand what’s happening,” he said. “I never wrote that.”
“Did you mean to write lower the sails? Like the normal sails on a ship?” Alex asked.
“Oops,” Conner said. “I must have spelled it wrong.”
To his relief, once the sales were over, the pirates lowered the sails, too. They were made from cream-colored cloth, the exact color of Porridge’s coat. They filled with the ocean breeze, and the Dolly Llama sailed into the horizon.
Auburn Sally turned the ship’s wheel back and forth as she guided her vessel through the rough waters. She kept a watchful eye on the entire horizon around them. The longer the ship sailed, the more a familiar expression grew on her face—one that the twins had seen Goldilocks wear many times when they’d first met her. The captain seemed a little sad, like she was hoping something would appear in the distance, but it never came.
Conner recognized this face, too, and began to worry.
“Oh no,” he said. “We’re getting close to the part of the story when the navy shows up.”
“How can you tell?” Alex asked.
“From the way Auburn Sally is looking out over the ocean longingly,” he said. “The pirates are about to get company.”
Like clockwork, Siren Sue climbed down from the crow’s nest in a panic.
“Captain!” she shouted. “Look, in the east! A ship from the British Navy is approaching!”
Auburn Sally quickly unfolded a long telescope and scanned the eastern horizon. Alex and Conner squinted and could barely see a small speck moving in the distance. The captain smiled as she spotted the ship—this was what she had been hoping for.
“It looks like Admiral Jacobson has finally caught up with us,” Auburn Sally announced to her crew.
“Any orders, Captain?” Winking Wendy asked.
“I’m tired of playing the admiral’s game of cat and mouse,” the captain said. “Hoist the sails and prepare for battle!”
The pirates all saluted her and went to work right away. They loaded the cannons on deck and sharpened their swords. The sails were rolled up and the ship slowed down, allowing the admiral’s ship to gain on them. The small speck the twins saw in the distance quickly grew into an enormous ship twice the size of the Dolly Llama. Soon they could make out a British flag waving from the tallest mast and the ship’s name painted along its side: the Royal Tantrum.
While the pirates scurried around the deck preparing for battle, the captain gazed at herself in a compact mirror. Auburn Sally applied lipstick and blush, she brushed her hair to give it extra volume, and she wiped off all the smudges on her clothes. The captain wasn’t getting ready for combat; she was getting ready for a date!
“That’s how she prepares for battle?” Alex asked her brother.
Conner nodded bashfully. “Just wait,” he said. “In about five minutes it’s all going to make perfect sense.”
When the Royal Tantrum was getting close to the Dolly Llama, the pirates dropped the sails and sailed around the navy ship. The twins could see that the Royal Tantrum’s lower deck was full of British sailors running amok. They spotted Admiral Jacobson standing on the upper deck.
The admiral was posed regally, with one foot on the railing and a long sword in his hand. He was a very handsome man with broad shoulders and pitch-black hair in a neat ponytail. He wore a blue coat with several gold buttons and badges. The closer the pirate ship sailed around the navy ship, the more familiar he seemed.
“Conner, is it just me, or does the admiral look exactly like Jack?” Alex asked.
She glanced between the captain and the admiral. Just like her brother said, it all finally made sense.
“Oooooh,” Alex said. “I get it now. Auburn Sally is based on Goldilocks, and the admiral is based on Jack. ‘Starboardia’ is a love story! That’s so sweet!”
Conner grunted like his sister had just insinuated something very crude.
“Excuse me,” he said defensively. “‘Starboardia’ is a pirate adventure! It might have elements of love, but it is absolutely not a love story!”
Alex raised an eyebrow at him. “Sure,” she said mockingly.
By now, the Dolly Llama was sailing around the Royal Tantrum with gusto. The British sailors ran across the deck to watch the pirates circling them. Winking Wendy took the wheel and Auburn Sally went to the railing to see the admiral. She mimicked his pose on the railing of her own ship, and the two commanders locked eyes. If Alex hadn’t known there was something between them before, she definitely knew it now.
“Good afternoon, Admiral,” Auburn Sally said. “What brings you to this part of the Caribbean today?”
“You’re a wanted woman, Auburn Sally,” the admiral said.
“You mean, by more than just you?” the captain said playfully. “Honestly, Admiral, you’re so persistent, I’m starting to think you have a little crush on me.”
The pirates roared with laughter. Even the navy soldiers were amused and covered their mouths to hide their chuckles. The whole scene felt like it should have happened in a high school hallway instead of the Caribbean Sea.
“The entire British Navy is just smitten with you, Captain,” the admiral said. “They’ve asked me to personally escort you back to land. Come willingly and I won’t sink your ship.”
“Admiral, may I remind you I am literally sailing circles around you,” she said. “It’s your ship I’m worried about. I’d hate to destroy it and embarrass you in front of all your men. By the way, nice tights, gentlemen!”
“So it’s going to be the hard way, is it?” Admiral Jacobson said with a grin.
Auburn Sally laughed. “Oh, Admiral,” she said, “haven’t you learned by now I’m the kind of girl who likes—”
“PLAYING HARD TO GET!” Conner yelled, finishing her sentence.
The captain and her crew quickly turned to him, wondering how on earth he knew exactly what she had been planning to say.
“I told you this is my story,” Conner reminded them. “I wrote the cheesy dialogue coming out of your mouths! Would you quit the innuendos and just get to the battle already?”
Auburn Sally glared at him suspiciously for a moment, then turned to face the admiral again.
“I agree with the warlock,” she said. “Ladies, open fire!”
As the Dolly Llama circled the Royal Tantrum, it was like the ships were joined together in a dangerous waltz and the pirates were taking the lead. They lit their cannons and fired them at the navy sailors, blasting large holes in the British ship. The admiral’s sailors retaliated, but the pirate ship was much smaller and moving fast, making it a harder target.
The few times the pirates were hit, the entire ship rattled and swayed in the water. But the damage the navy was inflicting was nothing compared to the mark the pirates were leaving. The sailors looked to the admiral for guidance, but he seldom gave them orders. It was almost like he wanted to lose.
Cannonballs and chunks of wood flew through the air. Parts of the navy ship were set ablaze and the sky filled with smoke. Conner had written the entire battle, but writing it was nothing like living it. Even though he knew exactly what was going to happen, it was still terrifying to see it come to life.
“This is the most dangerous flirting I’ve ever seen!” Alex said.
“Don’t worry, the pirates win!” Conner said, then looked up at the captain. “Sally, would you hurry up and tell your pirates to aim for the navy’s cannons already? I don’t want to get splinters in my eyes!”
The thought had come into the captain’s head just a moment before Conner suggested it. “How did you know I was—”
“JUST DO IT!” he yelled.
“Aim for their cannons, girls!” Auburn Sally ordered.
The pirates followed their captain’s orders and aimed their cannons at the navy’s. They blasted them off the ship, leaving the Royal Tantrum virtually defenseless. The pirates cheered and shook their swords at the sailors.
Winking Wendy jerked the wheel, and the Dolly Llama slammed into the Royal Tantrum, bringing the pirate ship alongside it.
“Now let’s take their ship!” Auburn Sally ordered.
The pirates each grabbed a rope and swung aboard the navy ship. The battle continued with hand-to-hand combat on the decks of the Royal Tantrum. The sailors were barely trained for sailing and were no match for the pirates attacking them.
Winking Wendy flashed her empty eye socket at the sailors, scaring them and causing them to trip over themselves. Stinky-Feet Phoebe held her bare feet against their noses, and the fumes made the men temporarily lose consciousness. Having no legs made it easy for Somersault Sydney to tumble into the sailors and knock them down like bowling pins. Pancake-Face Patty seemed to enjoy head-butting the men, which explained the odd shape of her skull. Big-Booty Bertha simply turned her backside to any of the sailors charging toward her, and they bounced backward onto the deck.
Some of the pirates weren’t as efficient fighters. Siren Sue sang high notes to hurt the sailors’ ears. Fish-Lips Lucy irritated them with slobbery kisses. Too-Much-Rum Ronda drunkenly argued with the sailors about religion and politics. Not-So-Jolly Joan simply cried on their shoulders. These pirates offered perfect distractions for Peg-Leg Peggy (or “Margret”) to sneak up behind the sailors and trip them with her wooden leg.
On the upper deck, Captain Auburn Sally and Admiral Jacobson walked around each other with their swords raised. They were so lost in each other’s eyes that they almost forgot they had to fight to keep up appearances. When the two eventually started dueling, it resembled more of a passionate tango than an actual sword fight.
“This is the most nonviolent violence I’ve ever witnessed,” Alex said.
“I kept it tame in case I had young readers,” Conner said.
“That explains why the antagonists are so simple,” she noted. “To be honest, I was really worried about what kind of villains your imagination would have come up with. I’m glad they’re just men in tights.”