A Rag Doll's Guide to Here and There

by Richard Roberts

  What if Sandy was in trouble?

  I couldn’t help. I couldn’t think anymore.

  Nope. That’s wrong, Heartfelt. I was just bad at thinking. I knew how to do it.

  So, think.

  Um.

  I needed to think and be good at thinking to help Sandy. So… I needed my glasses back.

  Pincushion took my glasses.

  Standing up, I handed the cup back to the greasy doll. Handed it gently, in both hands, of course. It would be bad to break a nice cup. “I have to go.”

  “Do you need help?” asked the greasy doll.

  Helping Sandy was my job. “No. Thank you.”

  The red and white doll asked, “Will you be okay? With your bad eyesight?”

  “Everyone is so nice in the palace, I’ll be fine!” I said, and meant it.

  “If you’re sure,” said the greasy doll. Taking my hand, it helped me down off of the table. Its hand felt a little slimy, but if it didn’t mind touching my scratchy plaid patched hand, I didn’t mind touching it.

  I walked out into the hall, and… um, where was I? Where was I going?

  Pincushion’s room! Where was that?

  A bundlish in black and purple walked past carrying a basket full of white and purple clothing. Or maybe another bundlish? I tugged on its skirt as it walked by, and asked, “Where is Pincushion’s room?”

  “Two floors up, defiled one, at the bottom of the Sinister Tiles Spire staircase,” it answered briskly.

  “Um…” That still didn’t tell me what to do.

  It pointed a clawed glove down the hall. “There lie the clothling stairs.”

  I gave it my biggest, most grateful smile. “Thank you! Okay, two floors up. Two floors up.”

  The clothling stairs were fun. Not only were they my size, but they bounced me gently upwards, like riding a slide! But the other way!

  Two floors up. Two floors up.

  On the second floor, I asked direction from a dargon sweeping bravely with a human sized broom, and then from a potato, and then from the marionette who dropped the potato, and then from another Bbundlish, and then from a spinner, who said he was going to the Sinister Tiles Spire anyway because Princess Charity didn’t like cobwebs. He led me right to Pincushion’s room.

  Oh, my. So big! This room was human sized, and had black cloth hanging everywhere! Such huge furniture! That was all I could make out. Why were my eyes so bad?

  Because they were broken, silly fluff-head.

  Um… glasses. My glasses. I was here for my glasses. All I could do was wander around the room and look at every piece of furniture.

  The brown stuff first. That turned out to be a chair. No, the brown stuff was on the chair, up above me. Brown clothing, folded up in a messy way. Big brown clothing. Human brown clothing. I climbed up the chair leg, and pulled at the fabric, looking closer. Yes. This was Charity’s skirt and jacket. She wore them when she killed me. They had a bumpy thing underneath.

  I tried to lift the jacket up, but it wouldn’t go!

  Oops. I was standing on it.

  Crawling underneath instead, I found something thin and hard and pulled it out, and…

  My glasses, yay!

  I held my glasses over my eyes, and the world swam into focus. Not just in a physical visual sense, although it was certainly nice to have clear vision again. Sweet, sweet intelligence returned to me. Oh, my dear Sandy, you could not dream what a gift you gave me. You were truly my heroine.

  And would stay that way, if I had anything to do about it! Time to think.

  First, how had I gotten my glasses back with that fog of cotton I’d been trying to think through? What if they hadn’t been here in Pincushion’s room? Or under Charity’s clothing? Was I drawn to the glasses naturally because of Sandy’s magic? Or had these decisions been intuitive because they were so obviously, easily true? It did make sense. Pincushion’s bedroom was a safe place Sandy would never search, or even know existed. Knowing Sandy, she would assume Charity slept with Pincushion. There was no point to a vault. Here they were regularly checked for safety by Charity’s loyal sidekick. If I had been smart, this is the first place I would have checked anyway.

  Second, I needed to keep my glasses on. I couldn’t go around holding them up all the time. Examining the room… oh, my. So much I hadn’t noticed or understood. Lovely black tapestries adorned the walls, with pictures of dargons, clothlings, a flops, and kinds of people I didn’t recognize. Each one held a human’s hand, or sat on a human’s shoulder, or clung to a human’s leg, and in one instance a big white and red mechanical human held a very small real human in her arms.

  A mirror sat on the floor, leaning against one wall. That was an extremely bad sign. Only a detailed chart planning out how Charity and Pincushion planned to betray Sandy could be worse. Was there such a thing…? No, or at least not that I could see from here.

  Time to hurry up a bit. How to attach my glasses? A tinker would be best. The palace should be full of them, but I hadn’t seen any and didn’t have time for an exhaustive search. Many bundlish could sew. I would keep that in mind if a faster solution did not present itself.

  A faster solution presented itself. On the dark wood dresser next to the lovely black-and-white sheeted bed sat an actual pincushion, with lots and lots of pins of various sizes stuck in it.

  Hopping off the chair, I reminded myself I was about to climb the bed, and tossed my glasses up onto the mattress. Grabbing hold of the sheets, I pulled my way up, and put my glasses back on before I forgot. Whew.

  “Okay, pins and sewing! Yes, several of these will work,” I said aloud, because really, this room was so quiet! How could Pincushion stand it?

  Little bitty pins, check. Now I needed thread. You know what wasn’t lying around in easily available quantities? Thread.

  I lifted under the pillow and looked underneath it. Not that there would be thread, but it was the obvious—

  The pillow did not have thread underneath it.

  The pillow had a golden hat with a pointy crown and big, floppy brim under it.

  I said, “Oh, my,” because I didn’t know any bad words and wasn’t sure I physically could say them if I did.

  Charity didn’t take away Pincushion’s hat. She wanted it out of sight so that Sandy couldn’t get it back. No, would be too distracted to ask for it back.

  “I hereby claim this hat in the name of the Witch Sandy, who it already belongs to, thank you very much!” Formal notification given, I draped it over my head and wrapped the pointy bit around my neck to loosely tie the hat on, just like Pincushion did. Without the pins, it was hardly stable, so I used one pin at the tip of the point—but not stuck through me, just the hat. I wasn’t planning to wear this longer than it took to give it back to Sandy!

  While I had it…

  “Magic thread making spell!” I attempted. Nothing happened, but really, it could not have been that simple. I’d heard Pincushion having trouble with it.

  “Hocus-Threadus! Threadus-Pocus! Magic hat upon my head, give me thread upon this bed!” Still nothing. How disappointing. I was quite proud of that last one.

  I was quite confident it would work for me. Maybe something smaller and simpler than creating thread from scratch. I waved my hands at the pillow, and chanted, “Meatballs, lasagna, unravel-lioli!” and to my delight, the cover of Pincushion’s pillow fell apart into a pile of string!

  Tying a thread around the knob of the smallest pin, I stuck it into my head next to the earpiece of the glasses. Ouch ouch ouch! Pulling the knob through had to be making a mess of the fabric, but there were no proper needles and I didn’t need pretty. I only needed my glasses to stay on. A couple of minutes later, and I was sure they would, at least long enough for me to find someone to do this right. They weren’t straight, and jostled a lot.

  Priorities! Sandy needed to be warned of Princess Charity’s treachery! If the exile plan had already gone off, my glasses would not have been here—but conversely, Pincushion c
ould not possibly have hoped to keep my condition concealed for long. Charity planned to act soon.

  I slid down to the floor, and started to scurry to the door, when the color red caught my eye. Why, there was my book bag, and Theodosus’s journal, underneath Pincushion’s bed! Proof that you could have so many other things on your mind, you forget what you’re missing.

  Slinging the bag onto my back, I hurried out into the hallway, and headed for the clothling stairs.

  This palace was huge. Where would Charity and Sandy be? Charity had suggested food. Had I been stupid long enough for them to finish? No, keep in mind the limited time she had to spring this trap. They would be somewhere personal friends would go, where a mirror is perfectly natural.

  Spotting one of those huge, fat, white and pink kitty clothlings from the fair lumbering down the hall, I ran up and tugged on its paw. “Excuse me! Pardon me, Sir, but where is Princess Charity’s bedroom?”

  He pointed through a wall. “On the Here side. She doesn’t like it over There. That’s all I know.”

  “Quite-sufficient-I’ll-ask-someone-else-when-I’m-closer-thank-you!” I blurted out while heading for the stairs.

  The stairs collapsed under me. Wheeee! They pushed you up, and slid you down! What a wonderful palace. Maybe once Charity was defeated, we could stay and enjoy it for a few days.

  On the ground level, the hallway ran usefully East/West, and so did I. I ran West, I mean, toward Here. When I crossed the barely visible dividing line, I started to look for someone to ask for further directions.

  I found them at the same moment the question became moot. Half a dozen guards stood around scratching their helmets with their spoons as they puzzled over a wheeled car piled up with big, flat wooden rectangles.

  Through the door beyond them, I heard Charity and Sandy laughing.

  Ah, of course. This was the servant’s door from the throne room to the Here side of the palace!

  “What do we do with it?” asked one of the guards, mournfully.

  “We could stand straight and still and look serious,” suggested another.

  “But in a back hall? We’d look like goobers,” argued the first.

  One with a red feather on his helmet tapped his chin with his spoon. “Well, it’s an entrance to the throne room, and the Princess and the Evil Usurper are both inside. It’s not a dignified entrance, but maybe we could make it dignified.”

  Another guard nodded. “That does sound like it needs guarding.”

  I hurried for the door, only to have the red feathered guard slam the butt of his spoon into the floor in front of me. “Halt! Oh, it’s the Evil Usurper’s sidekick. Didn’t recognize you wearing Pincushion’s hat. Sorry. Go right on in, love.”

  I bobbed my head, and whispered as loudly as I dared, “I think you’re all very dignified!”

  They shuffled around with awkward pride as I entered the throne room.

  Sandy and Charity stood side by side at the foot of the steps up to the throne. Next to them, occupying most of the big carpet, was a big wooden rectangle like the ones on the cart. It had a huge piece of paper tacked onto it. There didn’t seem to be much writing on it.

  Charity made sweeping arm gestures over the paper. “You could cross this whole kingdom in a couple of days, if you hurried. How sad is that? I’m going to expand it, physically, and put in some geography. The kingdom is only this small because the princess two rulers ago ordered it to be measured at this size. It used to be bigger.”

  Hands on her thighs, Sandy peered over what must have been a map. Of course, the palace would have the very best maps, wouldn’t it? “But I like this place the way it is. On our way Here, we passed a field full of statues a child left just to make faces at the statues left by her by best friend over There. You don’t see things like that back on Earth.”

  Propping her fist on her hip, Charity shook the other hand at the depicted kingdom. “But that’s my point. All you could do was look. There should be more, some game to play at least. The last few kids turned this whole kingdom into a park. Even There, which used to be dangerous. Now it’s just annoying.”

  With them busy, I snuck across to the back of the throne, trying to keep it between myself and Charity. My goal was to get to Sandy before Charity could take action. This was going to turn into a battle of humans, which was more than I could possibly predict. A few seconds advantage might be crucial.

  The throne room wasn’t empty, of course. A bundlish hurried off with a food cart toward the kitchen, and the blue and purple dargon in the red and purple fluffy shirt watched me curiously from where he stood next to the throne. His arms were full of pens, brushes, ink pots, and paper, in case the humans needed to make changes to the map.

  With a groan, Charity folded her arms under her chest, and turned a wry grin to my heroine, Sandy. “I’m looking forward to it, but it’s going to be a lot of work. If I asked the locals for ideas, I’d be old and grey before they came up with one.”

  Sandy’s cheeks pinched and turned pink, and she coughed into her fist.

  Holding up one hand, Charity moved it like a mouth and asked, “Can the answer be donuts?” Sandy coughed again.

  Brushing pale locks of her hair back into the darker mass, Sandy admitted, “I’m not sure we like the same things about Somewhere, but you’re better at this than I could ever be. You were meant to be a princess.”

  Charity’s grin widened, open and pleased. She turned more toward Sandy, and I scooted more into cover behind the throne. I could still hear her clearly. “Thanks. It’s true. Being a princess isn’t just what I want, it comes naturally. My life on Earth was a total waste. Here is where I’m meant to be.”

  “Here and There, your Highness!” corrected the dargon with loyal enthusiasm.

  The room was silent for a moment. I heard Charity take a step, and say dismissively, “I don’t like this Here and There thing, either. I’m going to make this one kingdom again. It won’t exactly go down as one of the great military campaigns in fantasy, but conquering There should be fun. Then I can give it all a new name. What do you think of ‘The Kingdom of Charity?’” Another pause, a laugh, and she continued, “No, I’m not serious. It’s a good name, but it would be too weird and arrogant. I have all the time in the world to think of a name that’s just right.”

  Slow and worried, Sandy said, “Speaking of time, I want to check on Heartfelt. It’s been hours, and I hope this isn’t offensive, Charity, but your sidekick is kind of mean. Every time she talks to Heartfelt, she says something insulting.”

  “I’m still trying to figure out where we can put a mountain range. What good is one mountain?”

  “After I check on Heartfelt. Please?” insisted Sandy.

  Charity let out another groan, this one long and growly and exasperated. “Fiiiiiine. You have to ruin the surprise. You won’t be content, will you? Okay, we’ll do it now.” She stepped into view, facing Sandy, with a beaming smile and a suddenly eager tone. “Come on. You’re going to love it.”

  Sandy stepped into view, also grinning, and they fell into step side by side, heading for the doorway I’d come in through. Charity’s back was turned! This was my chance! Good thing, because I’d gotten so distracted listening, I might have missed any previous chances.

  Something else caught my eye. Sandy and Charity didn’t have a good angle near the wall, but from behind the throne I could see clearly through the doorway they approached. The guards had one of the rectangles off the trolley, laid out on the floor, and were standing another up. From this side, those rectangles were shiny. Very shiny.

  Mirrors, in fact.

  Should I be blaming myself? I’d never seen the back of a mirror before! I didn’t know they were solid on one side!

  No, now was definitely time to save my heroine!

  Remembering the kinds of rhymes Belle Tower used, I flailed my arms and shouted, “Cursed and burst!”

  It worked! A blur sped out from my hands, bounced twice, went through th
e doorway, and the mirrors crunched and cracked, shattering into a hundred pieces! The other mirrors had been blown off the cart, and I bet they were too broken to transport a human as well.

  Such a simple, obvious trap, but now that I had a second to think about it, nothing else was necessary. All they would have to do was push a mirror over on Sandy, and she would go straight through to Elsewhere.

  Well, except for the part that they couldn’t do it without her glasses, which I had on my face, and if she didn’t go through, a falling mirror wasn’t going to hurt anyone as massive as Sandy.

  So, um, I’d just ruined my chance at surprise while accomplishing nothing.

  Sandy and Charity both stood stock still, eyes wide and mouths open, for a couple of seconds. Then Sandy took the three steps necessary to get a better view of what had happened. Spinning back around, she turned a wounded look on Charity. “Mirrors? This was a trap, all along?!”

  Oh, well, maybe I’d accomplished something after all.

  Something thudded into my back, knocking me onto my belly. Soft hands, or at least cushiony hands being used in a not soft way, yanked the pin out of the hat and started to unwind it. This didn’t go very well, because the owner was also kneeling on my back and shaking me. Screechy with anger and grief, Pincushion yelled down at me, “Why? Why can’t I leave you alone for one minute without you messing something up? Why couldn’t you just sit where you were told and drink tea? What is wrong with you!?”

  I rolled over onto my back, grabbing Pincushion’s hands. Her face was twisted in such fury, tears had smudged the edges of her eyes. But we were both distracted when Charity took a step toward us, shouting, “What is she doing here? What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in your room, with those glasses pressed against a window, and that thing is supposed to be a pile of ashes in a fireplace!” She stood up very straight, grimaced, and slid her hand down her face. After it passed, she looked, well, calmer than before, at least. Jerking a thumb behind her at Sandy, she said, “Guards, take hold of the other human.”

  That was a process I couldn’t watch, because Pincushion grabbed the hat on both sides of my head, and yanked. I grabbed her arms, and we rolled down the steps of the dais, pulling and shoving at each other.