All of the Voices

by Bailey Bradford

  Matt finally managed to grip the base of the condom and withdraw. Carlin knew the empty, aching feeling inside him was going to grow until he was a walking ball of misery, but he’d deal with that when it happened. Right now he could do nothing more than cling to the man who’d so thoroughly stolen his heart.

  Chapter Nine

  Matt listened to the funeral director telling the story of Mrs. Hawkins’ life. The quirky things that had made her so unique weren’t mentioned, which was ridiculous since everyone in McKinton knew about her calls to the Sheriff’s Department and the way she greeted the deputies. A glance around the room showed more people were looking at him and Carlin than at the man speaking. Matt shrugged it off and turned back to listen. He squeezed Carlin’s hand and his heart ached when he heard Carlin sob softly.

  Matt put his arm around Carlin’s shoulder and hugged him. The funeral director concluded his dull recitation and said a few words Matt supposed were meant to be comforting. They came across as a trite to Matt, but he hoped Carlin’s grief was lessened.

  After Mrs. Hawkins’ casket had been lowered into the ground and Carlin had led the procession to toss flowers on top of the casket, Matt walked him over to a spot of shade and held him until Carlin’s tears stopped.

  “I know it hurts, but remember, she’s still with us.”

  Carlin nodded and scrubbed at his cheeks. He gave Matt a watery smile. “I know. Cookies, that’s all I’ve smelled today.”

  Severo, Laine, Zeke, Brendon and Doreen all walked over and offered their condolences along with hugs and comforting pats on the back. By the time Matt and Carlin had said goodbye to their friends, there was less than half an hour left before Carlin had to meet with Mrs. Hawkins’ attorney.

  Carlin looked at him with red-rimmed eyes, and Matt would have given anything to take the pain away from him. “Will you come with me?”

  That was easy enough to do. “Of course. Do you want to walk or drive?”

  “Walk. It’s a beautiful day despite…” Carlin took his hand. Matt didn’t care if everyone in McKinton thought it was wrong, he wasn’t letting go until he had to.

  * * * *

  Carlin was exhausted, the previous night’s and morning’s love making having kept him awake, which was fine, but the toll of his losses was draining every bit of his spirit. He followed Matt into his house and sat beside him on the couch. Carlin snuggled against Matt’s side and rested his head on Matt’s chest.

  Matt brushed a finger down Carlin’s jaw then tipped his head back. Carlin saw the same dread of the coming separation he felt in Matt’s blue eyes. “I will miss you, more than you’ll ever know.”

  Carlin shook his head then took Matt’s hand in his own and kissed his palm. “No, I’ll know. I will miss you the same.”

  After that, there wasn’t anything more to say except words that would leave them both more broken than they would be if they left them unspoken. They clung to each other until it was time for Carlin to leave.

  * * * *

  Five months later

  Carlin was so tired of hurting. Every day he hoped the pain would lessen, but it didn’t. He missed Matt, but the responsibilities that kept Carlin in New York were still the same, so the possibility of a relationship with Matt wasn’t likely. Carlin regretted the stupid decision they’d made to make it a clean break. He wanted to talk to Matt, to tell him about the new medicine the doctor was putting his dad on, and to listen as Matt shared stories about his day.

  Carlin had thought if he had to go back to McKinton for Shelly’s trial, he would get to see Matt then. But Shelly and her mother had both plea-bargained and had been given community service. Carlin had bitched to Severo about that. Carlin thought those two could best serve the community by leaving it and Severo agreed.

  “Mr. Douglas, there’s a man here to see you. He doesn’t have an appointment, though, so—”

  “Send him in,” Carlin said as his heart leaped in his chest. Could it be Matt? Carlin tried to temper his hope but was still crushed when his assistant led Severo into the office.

  “That’s not the greeting I was hoping for,” Severo teased, but his voice was gentle, as if he knew how fragile Carlin was right now.

  “I’m sorry,” Carlin said as he tried to smile. He stood up and came around the desk, opening his arms for a hug.

  Severo walked over and hugged Carlin so hard Carlin gasped. “It’s good to see you.”

  “Yeah.” Carlin winced and rubbed at his ribs. “I’m happy to see you, too, but you didn’t have to try to break me in two.”

  Severo laughed and slapped at Carlin’s shoulder. “You can take it.” His expression shifted to very serious and Carlin’s stomach dipped as if he’d taken a steep dive on a rollercoaster.

  “What’s wrong? Did something happen to Matt?” Carlin could deal with anything but that. He stumbled back, catching his hip on the edge of the desk.

  “No, no, he’s not hurt any more than you are, so calm down.” Severo caught Carlin’s arm before he could fall on his ass. “Let’s sit in these nice chairs you have over there and talk.”

  Carlin allowed himself to be guided to the chair since he wasn’t entirely sure he could manage it on his own. He sat down and faced Severo then leaped back up. “I need to make sure I don’t have any appointments—”

  Severo tugged on his arm until Carlin sat down again. “You don’t. An annoying spirit made sure your schedule was cleared the rest of the day.”

  Carlin couldn’t comprehend what Severo meant. “What are you talking about? My assistant keeps my schedule.”

  “Yeah, she does,” Severo agreed. “But as I’ve learned recently, some people are susceptible to spirits’ influences. It’s what happened to me and Laine the day you showed up at the Sheriff’s Department. He and I usually don’t go at it like a couple of hornballs in public, but…one minute I was watching him walk through the parking lot, the next I was rushing out the door, my body pounding with the need to touch Laine, to—well, you saw. All I could think about was kissing him, and Laine felt the same way.”

  “So you were possessed?” Carlin didn’t like that possibility at all.

  Severo laughed and shook his head. “No, not possessed. I don’t think that’s even possible, but I could be wrong. We were influenced, our natural desires for each other magnified until neither of us could resist getting a little raunch on. It didn’t last more than a few minutes, and it felt damned great while it was happening, but once we figured out that our impulses had been tampered with, Laine and I were not happy campers.”

  “I imagine not. Was it Conner? He seemed to enjoy stirring up trouble when I was in McKinton.”

  “Oh no,” Severo muttered as he fingered the charm on his necklace. “No, it wasn’t him. Has Conner given you any shit since you’ve been back in New York?”

  “Why would he do that? He’s in McKinton—” Carlin replayed Severo’s earlier words about his schedule. “Isn’t he? Isn’t he bound by proximity to where he died or something like that?”

  “Nope,” Severo said with a cheeky grin. “He’s been keeping an eye on you since you left.”

  Carlin couldn’t stop himself from looking around his office, as if Conner’s spirit would pop up and shout ‘Boo!’ any moment now. “But…I haven’t felt him! There hasn’t been a single slap on my ass, or a message on my laptop… And if spirits aren’t bound by distance, why haven’t I encountered Aunt Mary?”

  “Because she’s been busy keeping Matt company,” Severo explained. “And you did warn Conner about the ass slapping and messing with your laptop, or Matt did. Either way, he’s been unusually circumspect around you, though I think it’s probably because you’re so miserable.”

  “I am miserable,” Carlin admitted before he thought better of it. “I miss Matt, which is ridiculous considering I only knew him a few days.”

  Severo nodded. “Love is like that. It kind of slaps you upside the head and grabs you by the balls, and there isn’t anything you
can do but give over to it.”

  Carlin snorted and rolled his eyes. “You just managed to take the epitome of romance and turn it into an experience to be terrified of.”

  “Why not? It’s true. Look at you, and Matt looks even worse. He’s got so thin that Doreen and Virginia have started sneaking meals on him and hovering over him until he eats whatever they put in front of him. And bitchy, God.” Severo sighed. “The guy’s a walking advertisement for a broken heart. It hurts just to look at him.”

  Carlin hadn’t thought it was possible to feel any worse, but he’d been wrong. Somehow he’d thought Matt would get over him quickly and go on with his life. It was the images he played through his mind at night, of Matt laughing and surrounded by friends, living a quietly happy life, that had pushed Carlin through his own bouts of depression. He hadn’t been able to go so far as to think of Matt taking another lover, though. Carlin doubted he’d ever be able to handle that.

  “Well, I might have a solution for you.”

  Carlin blinked as what Severo said sank in. “What do you mean?”

  Severo pulled some brochures out of his jacket pocket and handed them to Carlin. “A couple of different things. First of all are these.” He tapped the brochures. “These are for a couple of private mental health care facilities, one in Dallas, one in Fort Worth. It wouldn’t take you more than about an hour to get to either of them. Now, I don’t know how long it takes you to get where your father is here in New York, but I’ve heard stories about the traffic, and it sure as hell was awful on the cab drive from the airport.”

  “Up to a couple of hours,” Carlin murmured as he stared down at the brochures. Why hadn’t he thought of this? “The facility my dad is in is actually on the outskirts of New York on what used to be some millionaire’s estate.”

  “Well, these are good places, I actually went and checked them out just to be sure, and let me tell you, having been stuck in a state run mental hospital as a kid, walking into these two places, no matter how nice they were, was still one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.”

  Carlin’s head was spinning with hope and the distance Severo had gone to try to make it possible for Carlin and Matt to have a relationship. And to be willing to go into a psychiatric facility after being committed as a child… Carlin would never be able to thank Severo for doing that. Severo didn’t give him a chance.

  “My folks stuck me in there after I started telling them I could talk to spirits. My grandmother got me out.” Severo touched the charm on his necklace. “Now, you probably aren’t going to like what I have to say next, but you need to consider it anyway.”

  That sounded ominous even though Severo spoke the words lightly. Carlin set the brochures on his lap and waited.

  “I need you to take me to see your father.”

  Epilogue

  “I said I’d have the reports done in a few minutes,” Matt snapped as someone knocked on his office door. One thing about being a cranky bastard, people stopped barging into your office unannounced, though one of these days, and probably soon, Laine was going to get tired of Matt’s shitty attitude and kick his ass.

  The knocking began again and Matt snarled as he shoved his keyboard aside. “Come in!”

  Then the door opened, and Matt’s heart broke all over again. “Carlin,” he whispered, soaking in the sight of the gorgeous man who’d haunted him more than any spirit ever could. Carlin was dressed in his old faded jeans and a tight red T-shirt. Matt wanted to lick him from head to toe.

  “Matt,” Carlin said equally as quietly, his lips trembling as he looked at Matt.

  Matt wanted to protect himself from this man, wanted to be angry for the months he’d suffered, but he couldn’t. Carlin hadn’t lied to him, and Matt hadn’t been able to stop himself from loving him.

  “How long are you here for?” Matt would take off however many days Carlin was in McKinton. Fuck it, everyone would probably be glad to be rid of him for a while, but God knew how he’d hold himself together when Carlin left again.

  Carlin smiled tremulously as he cleared his throat. “Can I sit?”

  Matt couldn’t stand it anymore. “No,” he said as he stood up. “You stay right there.”

  Carlin’s hurt expression vanished as Matt rounded the desk and pulled him into an embrace that had them both trembling.

  “My God, I’ve missed you, sweetheart. We were plumb stupid to think a clean break was a good idea.”

  “No shit,” Carlin muttered. He reached up to pull Matt’s head down and Matt kissed Carlin roughly, unable to be gentle or tender when he’d ached so long for the man. Carlin moaned and gave as well as he took, mashing his lips against Matt’s, licking and biting until Matt’s lips stung and his dick throbbed. He finally lifted his mouth from Carlin’s and crushed the man to him.

  Carlin grunted but held tightly to him. “I’ve missed you too, and yeah, we were definitely idiots.”

  “So how long have I got you this time?” Matt hated to ask, but he needed to know so he could ask for the days off.

  Carlin smiled at him, and Matt’s world lit up. How was he ever going to let Carlin go again? He couldn’t. “I’ll move back with you if you’ll have me,” Matt blurted and was only a little embarrassed. He was willing to drop to his knees and beg, so offering to move wasn’t hard at all.

  “I thought you loved it here?” Carlin hadn’t taken him up on his offer, but that bright smile had gone up a few watts.

  Matt could look at that smile for the rest of his life and never grow tired of it. “I do, or I did. I don’t know which anymore. All I know is, it’s just a place, and you, you’re…” This part was harder than he’d thought it’d be, but as Carlin stared at him with those big eyes, Matt found the words became easier to say. “You’re everything to me, Carlin Douglas. I don’t ever want you to leave me again. You may think I’m crazy, and I probably am, but you stole my heart in a few days and five months later it’s clear that I won’t ever have it back. So, you keep it, because I love you.”

  Matt hadn’t thought it possible, but Carlin’s smile got even brighter. “Then it’s a good thing I moved down here, isn’t it? I love you, too. Take me home.”

  Matt’s heart swelled with so much love he thought his chest might burst. He had questions, but they could wait. All that mattered now was Carlin was back and wouldn’t be leaving him again.

  “I’ll finish your reports. Don’t bother coming back until you’re human again.”

  Matt looked away from Carlin to the doorway where Laine stood with Doreen. Both of them were smiling.

  “If y’all would get out of the way…” Matt snarled, but he grinned when he said it, all the dark anger and pain having been washed away by Carlin’s words.

  “Gladly.” Laine looped his arm through Doreen’s and stepped back.

  Matt was out of the door with Carlin hot on his heels before Laine or Doreen could say another word. He had to restrain himself to keep from running once they stepped outside, but Carlin laughed and didn’t bother being concerned about their dignity. Matt was nearly dragged to Carlin’s car, then Carlin was pulling open the door for him and nudging his shoulder.

  “Get in already!”

  Carlin sped like Satan was chasing him once they left the town proper. “I seriously doubt anyone will give me a ticket. Laine and Severo both told me you’ve been a grouch.”

  Matt snorted as he grabbed the ‘oh shit’ bar when Carlin took a turn at a hair-raising speed. “Yeah well. I was nursing a broken heart, and it’s liable to be literally broken if you don’t slow down.”

  “I can’t help it if I need to feel that fat cock of yours filling me up,” Carlin said but he did bring the car to a more reasonable speed.

  “That’s more likely to happen now than it was five seconds ago. I was thinking we were going to end up splattered all over the road.” Matt grinned as Carlin laughed again. He sure did like to hear that. He glanced out of the passenger window then at the clock in the dash of the car
. “You think you can tell me what made it possible for you to move here in less than ten minutes?”

  Carlin hummed and tapped the steering wheel. “Yes, I do believe I can. Two things—or maybe it’s one person and one thing, whatever. Severo came to New York a few weeks ago. He brought brochures for two highly rated private psychiatric facilities, each of which is only an hour away.”

  Matt smacked his forehead hard enough to make his vision blur. “Why the fuck didn’t either of us think of that?”

  Carlin shrugged. “That’s what went through my head, too, though I didn’t try to slap my brain out like you just did. I think I was so set on keeping Dad close and in the best place possible, and it didn’t even occur to me that there might be something just as good down here. I mean, I don’t know the area, all I’ve really seen is McKinton, and there’s certainly no help here for people like Dad.”

  “Remind me to give Severo a big, sloppy kiss.”

  Carlin cut a mean glance at him. “A ‘thank you’ will keep you from having me or Laine finish knocking your brain out of your head.” Carlin looked back out of the windshield. “So Severo found two places and both were every bit as good as where Dad was in New York. One of them had an opening, and now Dad is settled in and seems to be adjusting well. I spent a week in Fort Worth seeing to that. I didn’t want to come here and proclaim my intense love for you, then have to turn around and leave again.”

  “I’d have followed you in a heartbeat. And the ‘thing’ that helped bring you here?”

  “Conner,” Carlin said succinctly. “You got visits from Aunt Mary—where is she, by the way?”

  Matt had grown so used to the familiar oatmeal and raisin scent that he hadn’t realized it wasn’t surrounding him now. “I don’t know, maybe she’s giving us some time to talk.”