“Don’t you forget it, baby.” I winked and pressed my lips against hers again, not able to resist for a second longer. I’d thought this was wrong, but it wasn’t.
Nothing this good could ever be wrong.
Chapter Eight
ARIA
I didn’t know what I was thinking when I entered the locker room. No, scratch that, I hadn’t been thinking at all.
For the last couple of weeks, I’d been coming in here for track practice, and I’d done it on automatic for today’s PE class. But it had been a mistake, one I couldn’t turn back on as voices rang out when people entered.
I left my bag on one of the benches and darted into the bathroom stalls so no one would see me. I’d hide until they were all gone and then be a few minutes late onto the field. If Hope were here, I wouldn’t have entered the room, but her sister had called the office telling them Hope was sick. Only I knew it was because they had to get on the road to drive to the next state over for another concert.
I kept my back against the stall door and steadied my breathing as the voices got louder and louder. I wasn’t sure what they were talking about, but a shout from the hallway had me jumping.
“Girls, get onto the field!” Cade demanded.
Goose bumps spread over my skin at the sound of his voice, and my breath stuttered out of me. I hadn’t even seen his face, and he was already affecting me. I knew this wasn’t a good thing, but I didn’t want to push the feelings aside. I’d felt…alive since last weekend, something I hadn’t felt in so long, and there was no way I was going to give it up.
The voices lowered, and footsteps rang out, then it was silent—my cue to get ready and onto the field. I ambled over to the bench I’d left my bag on, but frowned when I couldn’t spot it. I was sure I’d left it here. I walked around the locker room, wondering if I’d left it on one of the other benches, but when I came up empty, I realized what a huge mistake I’d made.
I’d thought the room was empty when I came in, but someone must have spotted me. Shit. Now I had no gym clothes. What the hell was I going to do?
My feet carried me on automatic out of the locker room, down the small hallway past Cade’s office, and out onto the track and field. Cade was in the middle of the field, and I grinned at the way he was standing. His hands were on his hips, the long-sleeved gym top he wore clinging to every contour of his muscles.
He turned his head, spotting me, and even from this distance, I could see the frown on his face. He looked back at all the other students, said something to them, and then they dispersed. I knew I had to tell him about my clothes, but I didn’t want to tell him the truth. I didn’t want to tell him they’d been stolen and I knew who the culprit was as she ran by me on the track.
Jasmine.
I still didn’t know what the hell her problem was, but she definitely had one.
I inhaled a deep breath and stepped forward as Cade moved across the field and closer to me. His frown got deeper the nearer he got, and when we were a few feet apart, he asked, “Where’s your gym clothes?”
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him Jasmine had probably stolen them, but I didn’t want to admit I was having any problems at school. I didn’t want to show any kind of weakness, so I said, “I forgot them this morning.”
Cade huffed out a breath and scrubbed his hand down his face. “Fuck.” He closed his eyes, looking the opposite of the calm and collected person I knew. “You’re gonna have to wear the lost-and-found clothes in my office.”
“What?” I stumbled back a step. I’d only ever forgotten my clothes once, but the teacher at the time had let me sit on the sidelines. “Are you serious, Cade?” I dipped my head back, sure my face was pale.
Cade stepped closer but glanced around us. “I can’t show you special treatment, Aria. I did the same to someone last week. If I let you sit out then…” His gaze clashed with mine. “I can’t let them see I’m treating you differently, baby.”
I hated this. I hated him.
But not really.
I understood why. I just didn’t like it, and it was all because of Jasmine. “Don’t baby me,” I growled. “You’re gonna make me wear those stinky clothes.” My breathing was picking up, each inhale getting shorter and shorter. It wasn’t about the fact they’d probably not been washed in months, it was because all they probably had were shorts. Something I couldn’t wear. I couldn’t expose myself like that. I couldn’t let anyone—
“Aria.” Cade’s eyes narrowed on me. “You okay?” He stepped forward, but his momentum had me taking a step back.
“I’m fine,” I croaked out, feeling like I was lost. I was floating on the wind, and nothing could stop me.
“Hey, Coach?” Jasmine called as she halted on the track near us. “Why isn’t Aria wearing her gym clothes?” She winked at me, and my nostrils flared. It was definitely her, and she wanted to make sure I knew it.
“She’s just going to get changed now.” Cade spun around. “Finish your lap, Jasmine.”
“Yes, Coach,” she said in her sickly sweet tone. I wanted to hurt her, but more importantly, I wanted to hurt myself. I was stupid, so goddamn stupid, and now the train was off the tracks, and there was nothing I could do to save it.
My muscles were slow, my body sluggish, but I turned around anyway and headed back into the building. Cade’s office door was open, and I spotted the box right away. The fraying cardboard was marked lost and found and sat in the corner all on its own.
Why couldn’t he have just let me off this one time? It wasn’t like it was that big of a deal. No one would have come to the conclusion we’d kissed and spent time together simply because he let me off on one class. My fingers drifted to my mouth as I remembered his lips pressed against mine. How gentle he could be and then demanding. He’d fractured the wall I’d built around me, but I needed to repair it, especially after today.
I hated he was making me do this, but I didn’t have a choice. I could refuse to wear them, but the thought of disappointing him wasn’t appealing. I wanted to do as he said. I wanted to be the Aria he remembered. The one who did as she was told—always.
My shaky legs carried me toward the box, and I kneeled down in front of it. My last slither of hope was finding something that would cover my legs completely. Something had to be on my side, right?
I rifled through the clothes, tossing half of them into a pile of “no way in hell” and then another into a pile of “that’s disgusting” which only left me a choice of two T-shirts and a pair of shorts. Dark-blue shorts that were the kind that stuck to every inch of skin. The T-shirts were huge, but that could work in my favor. It’d allow me to cover what I couldn’t with the shorts.
Time was ticking by, but I knew I didn’t have long until Cade would be in here demanding me to get outside. So I pretended. I pretended I didn’t cover my legs one hundred percent of the time. I made believe I was wearing leggings and not shorts. I acted like the T-shirt was coming to my knees when, in actual fact, it stopped just beneath the shorts that only reached mid-thigh.
I was exposed for all to see, and there was only one person who was to blame: myself. If I hadn’t kissed Cade, he would have let me sit out. If I hadn’t gone into the locker room, Jasmine wouldn’t have stolen my clothes. If I didn’t…
My gaze flicked down to my legs as I walked back outside, and my vision blurred at what I saw. I was used to seeing them, but never in the outside daylight. They looked so much worse than they did when I was in my room.
And it was all my fault.
I’d done this to myself.
I’d littered my skin with scars.
It was no one’s fault but my own. And all it made me want to do was hide. Hide from all the girls on the field. Hide from Cade, the one person who had always made me feel safe. But most of all, I needed to hide from myself. I wasn’t the same innocent person I used to be. I had demons. Demons that captured me and wouldn’t let go. And now that demon was out in the open for everyone to se
e.
“Three laps to warm up, Aria!” Cade shouted from somewhere on the field, and I swallowed. Maybe if I kept to the track for the entire class, no one would see them. I could sit on the sidelines while everyone got changed, and I could hide away from them all. I was used to doing it, so it wouldn’t be a problem.
Right?
* * *
CADE
I hated being so hard on Aria, but I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t let anyone think she was getting special treatment. I had to keep up appearances, I just hoped she understood why.
We’d crossed a line. A line I never wanted to go back on. I shouldn’t have been standing in the middle of my PE class thinking about the way my skin buzzed when I was near her. I shouldn’t have loved the way her honey eyes stared into mine. Eyes that held secrets. Secrets I craved to know.
Girls giggled behind me as they picked their teams, and when I turned around, I witnessed them staring at Aria who was stretching on the track. Part of me wanted to make her come onto the field and take part in the game, but I knew I couldn’t. I was giving her special treatment. I was letting her stay on the track because at least the rest of the class had seen she was wearing lost-and-found clothes. I’d made my point, even though I hated it.
The teams got their game underway, but I kept flicking my gaze over to Aria. She was meant to be warming up, but she’d sprinted the two laps and now was halfway to the third. She was going all out, and as someone who used running to get away from my problems, I could see she was angry and upset.
I’d caused that. I’d done that to her.
Fuck.
I should have told her to slow down. I should have stepped in, but I wasn’t sure how much good I would do. She was in trapped in her own head, and I needed to let her work it out. I couldn’t come to her rescue, no matter how much I wanted to.
A team scored, and I looked away from Aria to the field and then back again, just in time to see her trip over. Her hands came out to save her, but even from this distance, I could see the way her ankle twisted.
Laughing surrounded me, and I zoned in on the loudest. Jasmine hollered at Aria and made a show of getting everyone to join in on the laughter, causing my blood to boil. I narrowed my eyes, wondering if Aria had really forgotten her clothes. From the not-so-subtle whispers coming from Jasmine, I wasn’t too sure she had.
“Pack the equipment away,” I demanded, my voice coming out razor-sharp. If there was one thing I couldn’t stand, it was girls like her. I darted across the field as Aria tried to stand up. “Aria!” I called, but she ignored me and tried to put weight on her leg. She howled in pain and collapsed on the track. “Aria, stop!”
“Leave me alone,” she said when I was a few feet away. Her shoulders moved up and down as she tried to catch her breath.
“You were meant to warm up,” I told her, crouching down in front of her and gripping her ankle. I tried to ignore the electricity that shot through me at touching her bare skin, but even I had to take a second to get myself under control. I couldn’t let anyone see the effect she had on me, not here.
“That’s what I was doing, Mr. Easton,” she gasped out.
“No,” I shook my head and raised a brow as I moved my attention off her ankle and to her face. “You were running on anger.”
She bit down on her bottom lip and looked away. I didn’t blame her. She was pissed at me, and so she should be. I’d gone too far, pushed too much, done what I always did.
Instead of trying to get her attention, I prodded around her ankle, watching for any signs of a break, thankful when it looked like a sprain.
“I’ll think you’ll live,” I said, pulling my lips up into a smile. She still wouldn’t look at me though, so I moved my other hand to her other ankle and encased it in my palm. I needed her attention to be on me, I needed her to look into my eyes and see the apology I was too chicken shit to give her. “Aria?”
She closed her eyes at the sound of her name, her throat bobbed as she swallowed, and then finally, she looked at me. “Yes, Mr. Easton?” It killed me that she’d used that name and not Cade, but it was through no one’s fault but my own. I’d told her off. I’d punished her for something she hadn’t even done.
“You okay?” I asked, instead of what I should have said. I should have told her I was sorry. I should have told her I was trying to show she didn’t mean anything to me. But it was impossible. It had been six days since my lips first touched hers, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. She’d woken a part of me that had been comatose. She’d breathed life back into me, and she had no idea she’d done that.
“Fine.”
That word. It was one word which was never used in a rightful way. No one who was fine ever said they were fine. In fact, it was usually the opposite.
I let my head drop and inhaled a deep breath. I was surrounded by students who were no doubt watching us. I couldn’t say what I needed to say to her, which was that I’d fucked up. That things had happened while I was gone which changed me forever. She didn’t understand, and I wasn’t sure I wanted her to. It was an excuse; one I didn’t want to use on her.
My eyes tracked her legs, stopping at her knees, and just as I was about to glance at her face, I noticed something on her inner thigh. It was an inch or so above her knee, but…wait…was that? My hand trailed up her leg on its own accord, my body working on automatic as I stared at her soft skin covered in scars. Old scars, new scars, and even a fresh-looking cut.
I was centimeters away from her knee when her hands slapped down, covering the marks. “Don’t,” she warned, and only then did I finally look at her face. Her eyes were darker, anger and hatred swirling in their depths, but I wasn’t sure if it was directed at herself or me.
“Ar—”
“No.” She shuffled back from me and lifted herself up, testing her weight on her leg. She hobbled for a couple of steps but managed to stay upright. “You didn’t see anything.”
My mind was swirling with thoughts. Thoughts I couldn’t get under control. Maybe my eyes had deceived me? Maybe they weren’t what I automatically thought they were.
But as I stared up at her, my face level with her hips, I knew my first instinct had been right. Those weren’t any kind of scars. Those were self-harming scars, and if the scab was anything to go by, she’d cut herself a few days ago.
How had I not known? How had I been back for a couple of months and not noticed the signs? Did she do it often? Was she…trying to kill herself?
My breath caught in my throat, and I looked up at her. Tears streamed down her face as she stared down at me, so much pain in one look it was almost too much to bear.
“Baby,” I croaked out. “What are you doing to yourself?”
She shook her head and swiped her arm over her face. “I…” She moved back a step just as the bell rang out, but I didn’t take my eyes off her. Not when she turned, and not when she hobbled all the way back to the building. I tried to put all the pieces together, but they wouldn’t fit. This wasn’t the Aria I knew. This wasn’t the same happy-go-lucky girl who used to bug the shit out of me.
This was a new Aria, one who was riddled with darkness.
Chapter Nine
ARIA
My heart beat wildly in my chest. The thrumming of my pulse echoed in my ears. But I didn’t look away from my inner thighs. Only a couple of scars marked the tender skin. Two on the left and one on the right. I was trying to even them out, at least, that was what I was telling myself anyway.
The truth was I was starting to crave the pain that accompanied the slice of the sharp blade. I needed to stare at the blood as it trickled out of a cut I’d made. I needed the high it gave me.
I inhaled a deep breath and placed the razor against my thigh, pressing down just enough to cause a pinching sensation. I was only seconds away from breaking the skin, able to bask in the euphoria it would give me, and then I’d feel better than I had since the last time I did it.
&n
bsp; “Aria? I’m heading to the—” The bathroom door flung open and my head whipped up.
“Mom!” I wasn’t fast enough to conceal what I was doing, and I knew as soon as her gaze lowered down to my shaking hand curled around the blade that she saw what I was doing.
“What…I…” Her sad eyes met mine, her brows lowering as she stepped fully inside the compact bathroom. “What are you doing?”
“I…” I bit down on my bottom lip, preparing to lie, but…I couldn’t. Part of me wondered if I’d started doing this to gain her attention, but deep down, I knew it was way more than that. I needed the pain to center myself.
“I’m sorry, Mom.” I stood on shaky legs and let the razor drop from my hand and into the sink. The clang of the metal hitting the porcelain rang out around us. “I won’t do it again.” I clasped my hands together in front of me. “I…I promise.”
Mom was perfectly still, the only movement her throat bobbing as she swallowed. I braced myself for the impact that was sure to come. She wouldn’t let this slip by, especially not after what happened with—
“Okay,” she whispered and stepped back. “You promise?”
I nodded. She was moving farther away, fleeing from the truth showcased in front of her. “I’m…” She cleared her throat and shook her head. “I’m heading to the store; do you need anything?”
“No,” I croaked out, staring at her as she bobbed her head several times and then spun around. Her footsteps echoed down the hallway as she walked away. The sound of the apartment door closing had my body jarring, and I flicked my gaze down to the sink and to the razor.
Maybe I’d do it one last time. Just once, and then I could stop, right?
Five—was the number of years it had been since I made the first cut.
Defy Fate: Fated Duet: Book One Page 10