Professor Renoir's Collection of Oddities, Curiosities, and Delights

by Randall Platt

  Her jaw clamped down and she tried to swallow her anger and started cleaning Jupiter’s cage, working around his water bowl and pan of untouched food. “Tell me, Jupiter, if that boy can fall for a dang midget, then why can’t he fall for a dang giant? What’s so good about small and what’s so bad about—” She stopped. “Never mind. You don’t got to answer that. I ain’t fooling no one.” She’d always realized Lotty was happy, smart, dainty, pretty—all of a perfect lady only in a small package. Carlotta the Dwarf was wheat, Babe the Giant was chaff.

  Still grumbling to herself, she tossed the bucket of soapy water out the door. Euclid, free from his cage while it was being cleaned, paced and jabbered to himself, imitating Babe. She smiled, put her hand down and, childlike, he reached up and took it. She swooped him up and cradled him with a gentle rocking. “Look at me, Euclid,” she whispered to him. “Look at your ol’ Babe.”

  His old eyes were oozy and starting to cloud over. He pursed his lips and said, “Tcht tcht tcht.” She wondered if he knew what she was feeling. He stroked her hand with one of his fingers, finding and fiddling with a stubborn wart on her thumb.

  She set him down and opened one of the burlap bags of peanuts. His eyes lit up when she let him take a handful. Jupiter raised his head, but when she handed him some he just sniffed, put his head back down on his paws, sighed, and closed his eyes.

  Jupiter hadn’t been himself since they’d left the train, and now he was so far off his feed—listless and refusing to eat—she worried about bringing him back around. She doubted there was a veterinarian near, and even if there was, what could he know about black bears? She remembered the pill, potions, and patent medicines This ’n’ That Ernie had given them. What were they, though? Which ones? How much?

  “Hey, Babe!” Denny called out. “Can I come over now? Is it safe?”

  She put Euclid in his cage. “It’s safe,” she called out, then added under her breath, “But there ain’t nothing to laugh about over here.”

  He stepped lightly in, cautiously looking around. Lotty took his hand and pulled him in. “It’s okay, silly. They won’t eat you.”

  Babe’s eyes landed on their clasped hands.

  “How do you know?” he asked tentatively.

  “Euclid’s just a love. Hi, Euclid,” Lotty said.

  “Better let me,” Babe said, taking a step in front of Euclid. His cage door was wide-open. “You best step over here, Denny.” Oh, how she hated her giant-deep voice!

  He edged closer. Babe reached into the cage. “Gimme your hand, Euclid.” She took Denny’s hand and allowed Euclid to grip it.

  “What are we doing, shaking hands?” Denny asked, his face beaming, his hand pumping Euclid’s up and down. “What kind of monkey is it?”

  “He’s a chimpanzee. That’s a ape, not a monkey. Monkeys gots tails,” Babe said.

  “Well, I really can’t see what he’s sitting on. But man, he ought to wear some undergear or something.”

  Lotty snickered. “Denny!”

  Babe knew what he was looking at. “He can’t help how nature takes its course.”

  “He gonna let go my hand?” he asked, looking up at Babe.

  “Nope, you two is betrothed now.” She tried to hold in her smile.

  Fast as slick, Denny pulled his hand away. “Let me see the bear. Does he bite?” Denny put his hand up to the cage.

  “That’s like asking if a horse will kick. All horses kick. Question is, will he kick you?”

  “Well, will he?” Denny asked again, pulling his hand back.

  “Here, see if he’ll take this,” she said, handing half an apple to Denny. She winked down at Lotty, who didn’t wink back.

  Tentatively, Denny stuck his hand through the cage bars, then Babe called, “Jupiter, get ’em!”

  The bear rose up and let out a roar. Denny leaped back with a holler, and Babe laughed. Lotty didn’t.

  “It’s okay, Denny. Babe trained him to do that. Really, he won’t hurt you. Babe, that was cruel!”

  “You seed me do that a million time and it wasn’t cruel then!” Babe snapped. “But look, Lotty, ol’ Jupiter’s still got some spunk in him. Look how he roared up.”

  “Man alive!” Denny rubbed some of the red out of his face. “I thought for sure he was going to take my hand off! Wait’ll I tell Hank.”

  There was a tiny knock on the door. “May we come in?” Miss V called out.

  The door opened, and Cleve, Sarah, and Miss V came in. “Come on in, Pa!” Denny said. “The bear almost got me! You should have seen it! It was neat!”

  “Good thing you survived. You have chores,” Cleve said, ticking his head toward the barnyard.

  “Oh, right.” He dashed out of the barn.

  “Well, I have to say,” Cleve said, looking around the barn, “this is the dog-gonedest bunch of livestock I’ve ever seen.”

  Babe slid the door open to let Egypt stroll over to Miss V, who offered her a treat. “Egypt can’t stay locked up in this barn for very long,” Miss V said.

  “I thought we could see how she does in the pasture,” Cleve said. “Did she ever roam free when you worked with her, Miss V?”

  “She’ll do fine,” Babe said. “She don’t know her own strength, and she’s gentle as a newborned pup, ain’t that so, Lotty? Lotty?”

  “She ran after Denny,” Sarah said.

  Babe followed her gaze outside. Together, Lotty and Denny carried a fence rail, laughing at their lopsided tote.

  “And what about these two?” Cleve asked, pointing to the bear and the ape. “Sooner or later, I’m going to need to get my stock out of our old bug barn. It’s nearly off its foundation now, what with the termite infestation.”

  Babe’s head came up. “Termites? Hear that, Euclid? You favor termites!”

  “This ape eats termites?” Cleve’s deep voice boomed.

  “Like they was peanuts,” Babe said, smiling. “He’ll put a proper cramp in their style. Him and ol’ Mother Nature’ll see to that.”

  39

  “Well, look at you, Babe. Now what have you gotten yourself into?” Lotty asked the next day. There was a sniff of humor—no, mockery—in her voice.

  Babe brushed the dust off her overalls. “Working on that pasture fence so’s your Egypt don’t run off. Remember, like you said, earning my keep.”

  Lotty looked up at Babe, standing on the bottom porch step. “Suggesting I’m not earning my keep?”

  “Didn’t say that.”

  “I know that’s what you meant.”

  “Did Madame de la Rosa give you mind-reading lessons?” Babe snorted.

  “Some minds are easier to read than others,” Lotty snorted right back.

  Their tiff was broken up by the screen door opening and Denny coming through, holding a tiny chair made of sturdy logs and a velvet cushion. He set it down next to Lotty. “Here you go, m’lady! Your own throne!”

  “Oh, it’s beautiful! Did you make this?”

  “Ma made the cushion, but I put the logs together. Go ahead, try it out.”

  Lotty fluffed her skirts out and sat down in the chair, just her size. “It’s very comfortable. Thank you, Denny!”

  “Now you and Miss V can chat nose to nose, eye to eye,” he said, grinning down at his handiwork and the pretty little thing sitting on it.

  “Oh, hi, Babe. Say, Pa wants to know if you can unload those nine-foot peeler logs we brought down from the mill. Gonna use them for Egypt’s fence.” He grinned down to the chair and added, “And furniture.”

  “Sure thing,” she said, staring right at Lotty. “Gotta earn my keep.” But Babe was teeming inside. Lotty gets log thrones; Babe gets logs to haul for her elephant’s fence. She took three posts out of the wagon, hoisted them to her shoulder, and headed past the storage sheds.

  But there was an odd sound, so she stopped to listen.

  Whap whap whap.

  It came from under the steps of the shed. She tossed the logs down, then, on all fours, took a look
under the porch of the shed.

  Whap whap whap.

  “Well, who’re you?” she whispered. She tapped her leg and the whaps became fast tap tap taps. Babe grinned, knowing that sound.

  “It’s okay. Come on out. I won’t hurt you.”

  She went on her stomach and reached under the steps. “Come on, girl.”

  “I wouldn’t, if I were you.”

  Startled, Babe’s head came up fast, hitting the porch floor. She rubbed her head, looking up. Denny.

  “I like dogs. This one yours?” she asked.

  “They all are.”

  She looked again. “How many you got in there?”

  “I don’t know. She won’t let me see.” Denny knelt down and snapped his fingers. “Come on out, girl. We won’t hurt your pups.”

  “Pups? She’s got some pups?”

  “Yep. She’s gone and hid them good this time,” Denny said.

  “Dogs think like wolfs when it comes to babies,” Babe said, trying to avert her eyes from Denny’s face, so close now she could smell how clean his shirt was.

  “Well, she’s remembering her last litter.”

  Babe pushed back and sat on her heels. Both knee joints cracked. “What do you mean?”

  “Meaning this isn’t any dog kennel, and we don’t need any more mouths to feed. Once I get them out, Pa says to get rid of them.”

  “How come you let her out when she’s in season?”

  “Oh, some wandering mutt got her. Look, I don’t like it any more than you do, Babe.”

  “How old’r they?”

  “Two weeks, I guess. Hard to say. They should be coming out pretty soon.”

  “What’s her name?”

  “Aces. Call her that because she’s ace-high at bird hunting.”

  “What’s she made of?”

  “Who knows? A little of everything, I guess. Anyway, she won’t let you get any closer. You better not bother her.”

  “Okay. I won’t.”

  Babe waited until he’d disappeared into the barn before she flattened herself out again, reaching out to Aces. “Hey, Aces. Look what a pretty girl you are. So’s them babies of yours. Come on out, girl.”

  Slowly, Aces inched forward and licked her hand, then allowed a head pat and an ear scrunch, which she leaned into, groaning with pleasure. “I can clean them ears for you. And I’ll get them tangles out of your hair. Say, want a treat?” She had a few cookies she’d taken for Euclid and Jupiter from the plate on the sideboard.

  “Thata girl,” she said softly. “Here, have another one. Now, you come find your Babe if that Denny comes at you with a gunnysack, hear?”

  Babe got up with a grunt, dusted off her skirts, and turned her thoughts to Jupiter. She decided the fence posts could wait and she headed to the barn to check on him. He wasn’t coming around like she’d hoped. She let him out of his cage to walk around the barn and stretch his legs. She was building him an outdoor cage so he could sniff the air and roll in the dust. Be a bear again. Start eating like he should.

  At least Euclid’s wounds were healing, but he also had a sort of restlessness Babe hadn’t seen before. He’d started to sway back and forth like caged animals sometimes do, even though she took him out for walks, and gave him termite-hunting excursions in the bug barn. She wondered if he missed the excitement and human contact he got being on the road and on display.

  40

  “Well, Jupiter’s getting on, Babe,” Lotty said. She and Denny had come to the barn to bring her a basket of peaches left over from jam making a few days later. “I mean, how old is he? Thirty? Forty? After all, nothing lives forever.”

  “Criminy, Lotty, you think I don’t know that?”

  “Well, you don’t have to bite my head off,” she snapped back.

  “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to holler. Been a week now, and he ain’t come around. I just been worried, that’s all.”

  “Want Ma to bring over some castor oil?” Denny asked. “Ma says it cures everything. But stand back, it gives you the . . .”

  His eyes landed on Lotty’s face. “Uh, sorry, Lotty.”

  No apology to Babe.

  “We have money,” Lotty said. “We can maybe find a vet and . . .”

  That set Denny to laughing. “We don’t have a vet in John’s Town, but there’s some over in Medford. Man! I want to be here and see some horse doctor’s face when he walks in and sees that Jupiter. Bet he’s never taken a bear’s temperature!”

  “Denny, here. Your mother wanted the basket back. Could you, please?” Lotty handed it to him.

  “Sure. Don’t forget, I’m driving you into town later.”

  She shot him a glance, and Babe read it right away—suggesting he shut up because Babe hadn’t been invited to go to town.

  “He can be pretty obtuse sometimes,” she said after he’d left. Babe’s face went blank and Lotty added, “Stupid.”

  “Don’t call me that, Lotty!”

  “No, not you. Obtuse means ‘stupid,’ and that’s what Denny is sometimes. Maybe not stupid, more like immature. He hasn’t seen the things we have.”

  “How would I know? Ain’t never been around boys my own age.”

  “Well, me neither, but I’m learning.” She took a peach and rolled it around her hand. “I have to say, learning is the fun part.”

  “Just what are you learning?”

  “I don’t like the sound of that! You know what I mean!” Lotty said.

  “How come you get all in a lather like that?”

  “I’m not in a lather. I’m sorry. Really, I didn’t mean to be . . . in a lather,” Lotty said, not sounding sorry at all. “Besides, I have this gigantic pimple coming in! Nothing’s more ugly than—”

  Babe cut her off. “You’re taking to this place just fine, ain’t you, Lotty?”

  “Heavens, yes! It’s all I could have hoped for! It’s . . .” Her voice trailed off. “Babe? Aren’t you? Happy here?”

  Babe didn’t answer right away. She looked around the large barn and the animals it held.

  “Babe? Answer me.” She scampered on top of a bale of hay to look Babe eye to eye.

  Babe hunched and rolled her shoulders, as if easing away stiffness. “I feel sort of itchy, like my skin is too tight. Still getting used to it, I reckon.”

  “But this is what you wanted. No more Renoir or Magnifica. How did you say it? ‘Get on with gettin’ on’?”

  “This ain’t what I want, Lotty,” she said, turning away. “What I want is to just be normal. I ain’t any more normal here than I been any other place.”

  “You have to give it time.”

  “Not sure how much time Euclid and Jupiter got.” Her eyes filled. She squeezed them tight and changed the subject. “So, Denny’s got a spark for you.”

  Babe was hoping she would laugh at that notion. Instead, they locked eyes.

  “I know,” she finally said. “I mean, I guess he does. I think it’s just because I’m new and I’m well, you know . . . different.”

  “No, it’s because you’re pretty and smart and fun. You’ve landed plumb in your own promised land. You got your home and you got your family. Maybe a beau. Hell, you even got furniture your own size.”

  “Babe, you know I had no idea what awaited us here—my aunt Valerie being small. She could just as easily have been a giant and then I’d be feeling extra small.”

  “Denny would still spark after you.”

  “So, you’re upset because why? I fit in here and you don’t? Or is it because Denny ‘sparks after’ me?” Lotty asked, taking a tug at Babe’s sleeve.

  Babe pulled her sleeve back and thought before replying. “Truth, both. But I ain’t upset so much as I’m . . .”

  “What? Out with it!”

  “I’m just cross as two sticks!”

  “Cross at who? Not me!”

  “Oh, you know me, Lotty. I’m cross at everything. Maybe it’s what I like being. Maybe it’s because cross is what I’m good at.”

&
nbsp; “You’re talking nonsense,” she said, nudging Babe with her foot.

  Babe looked down. “New boots?”

  “Yes. Well, new to me. They were Miss V’s. We wear the same size. She’s got this sensational seamstress down in Medford who’s a whiz and has all the latest patterns. Miss V’s given me lots of . . .” Their eyes met again. “I’m sorry, Babe. I want you to be happy here. So does Miss V. But being so angry all the time is just . . .”

  “There’s something else,” Babe said, looking at her two dresses hanging from nails.

  “What?”

  “I growed a half inch, I reckon.”

  “How can you tell?”

  Babe put her leg on the hay bale, lifted her skirt, pushed down her sock. Three ink lines circled above her ankle. “Them’s markers I made, so’s I can tell I’m on a spurt.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I mark where my hems go. See? There’s May, there’s June, and now here’s today. Half inch, I cipher.”

  “It’s been hot. Maybe your dresses just shrunk. Heat can do that.”

  “No, I can tell. I’m bigger,” she said, holding down a deep, dark sigh.

  “Well, so what? Look, you grow bigger and I’ll probably shrink some. Miss V says when she turned thirty she got a bit smaller. So what? You just have to cross to the bright side of the street and try to . . .”

  “Save it!” Babe barked. “I don’t need no lectures about no bright side of the street what I’ll never walk on! And I don’t need no pity, neither, so get that oh-dearie-me look off your face! Been getting that hogwash my whole life.”

  Lotty snorted and popped down off the hay bale. “Really, Babe, I would think you’d be a little more grateful! You may not have everything just perfect, but you do have things pretty good. At least you’re not tossing country hicks out of a ring or posing for picture postcards!”

  “Okay, fine, Lotty. I’m grateful, okay?”

  “Sometimes there’s just no talking to you!” She folded her arms and set her jaw.