Professor Renoir's Collection of Oddities, Curiosities, and Delights

by Randall Platt

  “We found a tin of blasting caps and evidence of dynamite. Someone blew my hillside apart!”

  “Looks like,” he said.

  “Why did you do it?” Miss V demanded.

  Babe watched their faces as they talked to—at—each other.

  “Better question is why would I do that?” Luckett mumbled.

  “So, so, you could claim more of this creek! So you could blast out some gold. So you could sit here, panning for something you know you’ll never find!” Her voice got higher, louder; her face redder. She added a resounding “For spite!”

  Now he looked at her. “Spite? What spite? Good God, Val, you and me pulled the pin years ago!”

  Babe turned, feeling like she shouldn’t be listening to this.

  “Yes, spite! I can’t even log now because of your . . . your . . .” She stopped and glowered at him. “Yes, that’s it! Every success I ever had made you angry! You broke it off, sir! Not me!” She paused to catch a breath.

  “It wasn’t because of your success, Val! It was because of that man and you know it!”

  “Excuse me, Miss V,” Babe broke in, now very uncomfortable. “You want I should just come back for you?”

  “No, she’s leaving! Kindly get to your own side of the creek and don’t you ever come over here accusing me of anything other than being a good and quiet neighbor.”

  Quite a spiel for a crazy old man of few words. Babe might not have known much about spite, men, and breakups, but she knew spitfire when it flew back and forth.

  “Come on, Babe! Let’s go!” She turned on her tiny feet and swished her skirts with a snap. “Take me back and—” She stopped, suddenly unable to speak. Her face froze in pain and she gasped for air.

  “Quick!” Mr. Luckett hollered, tossing the pan down and coming to her side. He caught her before she fell and pulled open her high-collared shirt. “Quick!” he said, handing Babe the handkerchief from around his neck. “Wet this.”

  She quickly did and handed it back. “What is it? Her heart?”

  “Do you know where she keeps them?”

  “Keeps what?”

  “Her nitro!” He looked for something around her neck, then her wrists.

  She gasped for air and clutched her chest. She pulled at her broach.

  Luckett pulled the broach off, fingered it for the tiny latch, then sprang it open. Babe spied the tiny tablets inside. He took one out. “Come on, Val. Quick. Under your tongue.”

  Miss V squeezed her eyes tight in pain. He pulled her to his chest, rubbed her back, and whispered in her ear. “Easy, Val, easy. Relax and let it work. Let it dissolve. Easy, easy. Stay with us.” He rocked her like she was a child or, no, Babe thought, he rocked her like she was an old and very good friend.

  He looked up at Babe and said softly, “I didn’t blast her hillside. She’s got to know that. God, I’ve loved this woman. I’d never do that. My shed was broken into and my explosives were taken last summer. That’s all I know.” Then he said down to Miss V, “Come on, Val. You’re okay.”

  Her eyes finally fluttered and some color returned to her face. Slowly, her breathing steadied and all the while, Luckett dabbed her face and forehead and held her.

  “Is that better?” he asked.

  “Yes, yes, thank you,” she whispered.

  “You sure?”

  “Things are a little hazy.”

  He looked at Babe. “All you folks over there need to know where she keeps these pills. You should have them everywhere, all the time. They just saved her life.” Then, down at her, he added, “Valerie, these don’t do you any good if you don’t let people know where you hide them.”

  “Must you lecture me?”

  “How many times do you think you can have these spells? What’s that hillside and this creek have to do with your life? Can’t you just . . .”

  “Stop it! I don’t need your advice to run my life!” she gasped out, coming back into her old self. She looked over to Babe. “I told you moving that hillside won’t work. He’ll just blow it up again.”

  “Okay, now you’re trespassing again,” he growled, giving Miss V a gentle hand up.

  Babe watched the silence between them, wondering what the heck these two were . . . friends, enemies, lovers? What? Are they going to go three rounds or walk off, hand in hand?

  “Come on, Babe. I need to get home and rest.”

  Once again, Babe got her aboard, but her body felt a bit limp now.

  “Careful now,” Luckett said, pulling Babe back by the arm. “She’s going to have one hell of a headache.” To Miss V, he added, “Three days’ bed rest. No less.”

  “All right. All right,” Miss V whispered back, all the fight drained out of her. “Doctor.”

  Babe nearly lost her balance. Doctor?

  Cleve rushed to meet Babe as she trekked back up the hillside. “Oh my God, what happened over there?” He took Miss V and placed her gently into the pony cart. “Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “She had a heart spell. That man, that Luckett, he knew all about it and found her pills.”

  “Come on, let’s get you home, Miss V,” Sarah said.

  “That Luckett! . . . Makes me so angry I could eat iron and spit nails!” Miss V said, holding her head. “Ow.”

  “He said you got to rest now, Miss V,” Babe said.

  “God forbid I don’t do what he tells me!”

  Babe couldn’t tell if she was being snotty or what. Luckett just saved her life. Shouldn’t she show a speck of thanks?

  Babe watched as they disappeared up the path. She looked back across the river where Luckett was standing, watching. She took the trail back to the barnyard to check on Euclid.

  49

  Babe knew when she heard Aces’s tail whomp whomp whomping on the wood floor that Denny was in her room.

  “Oh!” he said, whipping around. He was holding a photo. “I put Euclid in his cage.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Is this you?” he asked. It was a photo of Magnifica lifting a fake five-hundred-pound weight.

  “That’s John L. Sullivan,” she said, setting her jaw.

  “Oh, go on! That’s you.”

  “You got a reason to be here in my room?”

  “Uh . . .” He held up Euclid’s leash. “Just returning this.”

  “There’s a hook on his cage for that.”

  “Oh. Well, here.” He handed her the leash.

  “So, which of you boys blasted that hillside?”

  His ruddy face went blank. “Huh?”

  “Luckett says his blasting caps and dynamite was stold from his storage shed. Sort of queer—him getting things tooken, that hillside blowing up, and then Euclid finding them blasting caps.”

  “What’s it to you? You’re just some freak coming here and making like you own the place! Things were fine with all of us until you showed up!”

  “Miss V near died thinking Luckett blasted that hillside. You can live with that?”

  “She did?” He finally looked her in the eyes.

  “Yes, she did.”

  “Well, she already hates him. Everyone knows he jilted her! Ma’s even got newspaper stories about it!”

  “You’re changing the subject.”

  “Come on, Aces. Let’s get out of this sideshow!”

  Babe stepped in front of him.

  “You got to tell Miss V what you done. You got to take the blame. And how about you own up to Luckett?”

  “Out of my way, you . . .”

  She pulled him around by his arm and gave him a Magnifica glare.

  “Look! I didn’t steal the stuff; I didn’t set the explosives! Hank did . . . !”

  His voice trailed off. His sandy hair fell down into his bright blue eyes and he smiled up at Babe. She knew what was coming. He was going to try to charm her just like so many other men had tried.

  “Babe, look, it was a year ago! It was an accident! Hank found the stuff and we thought it’d be
fun to make some noise, that’s all! It was an accident! Who knew the whole dang hillside would fall in?”

  “You made noise, all right. Didn’t your folk wonder what that was?”

  “They were all in Medford on business. Aw, come on, Babe. Don’t tell. A girl like you must know it’s just boys being boys. You know how it is.”

  “Sure I know how it is. And here’s how it’s going to be: you keep working, dawn till dusk, till we get that big cedar tree moved and I don’t say nothing what I know.”

  “Why, sure, Babe. I’ll keep working. But there is no way we can get that huge tree out of that stream.” He cast her his devilish smile. “I suppose we could blast it out.”

  “Your pa put the kibosh on that, remember? Said it would ruin that stream all the more. So you’re coming to help even if you have to help pick up that tree a splinter at a time, hear?”

  “All right. I’ll work right up to when school starts.”

  “And something else.” She ticked her head toward Aces, sleeping in a patch of sunlight streaming through the window. “You make sure her pups gots good homes. You understand?”

  “But Pa says to . . .”

  Babe took a step closer to him.

  “Okay, okay. I’ll put a note on the bulletin board at the post office. So, it’s a deal? You don’t tell?”

  “Fine.” She pointed to the door. “Now leave and don’t you ever come in here without I say, understand?”

  “Sure. Sure.”

  He left and Babe pulled the heavy door closed. Aces didn’t even look up when Denny left. Babe knelt down and rubbed the dog’s long, warm ears. “Don’t you worry none, Aces. Ol’ Babe’ll see to your babies.”

  50

  “Gosh, it’s a bit chilly this morning,” Lotty said. She, Babe, and Cleve wanted to get to the creek early. “We can barely see the creek. Why all this morning fog all of a sudden?”

  Cleve draped his jacket over her shoulders. She wrapped the sleeves around her twice and tied them. “Sometimes happens in August. Reckon the whole Medford valley is fogged in. You warm enough, Babe?”

  She noted there was nothing extra for her to put on. “I’m fine.”

  “Saw two woodpeckers working on the same tree the other day,” Cleve said.

  Babe and Lotty exchanged puzzled glances.

  “Going to be a tough winter,” Cleve went on. “Fog, woodpeckers doubling up. And have you heard the geese heading south already?”

  “Ain’t that normal?” Babe asked.

  “Yeah, normal for forecasting a hard winter. If we’re going to get this creek back, it better happen fast.” He walked ahead.

  “I don’t like the sound of that,” Lotty said, tapping Egypt with her handler’s rod. “Come on. The others should be arriving pretty soon.” She followed Cleve down to the creek.

  Babe looked up through the fog and scanned the canopy of trees, looking for woodpeckers and listening for geese.

  One by one, the others arrived. Hank rode up on a horse wearing a hauling rig; Denny had harnessed Ajax to a dump wagon. Boys from town and surrounding farms arrived with shovels and picks. Egypt stood, restless and chained, off to the side.

  They all stood looking down at the giant, old cedar. The one last huge problem holding the stream back.

  “Maybe Egypt could push it enough to break it loose,” Lotty said.

  “No, how about we fulcrum it up, maybe enough to break the suction and get some chains around it,” Cleve said. He knelt down and drew his plan in the sandy bank. “See? Once we get a chain around it, then Egypt should be able to pull it free.”

  “Worth a try,” Lotty said.

  They set the strongest boys in a line, each one holding an iron pole or a sturdy piece of lumber. Babe chose a large-pole pine. They spaced themselves every three feet apart downside of the tree.

  “Now, kids, we have to work together on this!” Cleve called out, taking a pole and securing it under the log. “Get your poles as far under the log as you can.”

  “This water’s freezing!” Denny said, standing in the deepest part.

  “Ready everyone?” Lotty called out from the shore. “One, two, threeeeeee!”

  The team grunted, pushed, groaned. Then, snap! Crash! Two boys lost their grip, fell over the log and into the creek. Two of the wood poles burst in half. The tree didn’t move an inch. Babe wondered if the creek didn’t want to let the tree go or if the tree was just plain stubborn.

  Two more tries. More spills, more broken poles, pulled backs and again, the tree didn’t budge. Cleve called everyone back to the shore.

  “Never seed a more orn’ry tree,” Babe said. “Fighting us tooth and nail.”

  “Wait,” Lotty said, shading her eyes and looking up-creek, then down-creek. “We’re pushing against the current. We need to pry it downstream, not up. Why didn’t we see that in the first place?”

  “But then we risk that tree snagging downstream and then causing a logjam,” Cleve said. “Might even dam the whole creek and then we have huge problems, not to mention killing the salmon runs.”

  “Well, if the tree is too big, why don’t we just make it smaller?” Babe asked. “Cut ’er up. You know, get them two-man saws. Them long ones you got hanging in the barn.”

  “Sure! Once the tree is cut up into pieces, we can easily roll the sections out of the creek!” Lotty said.

  It was Babe’s idea to use the saws. But it was Denny’s idea to make it a contest between teams. It was Hank’s idea to place bets. And it was Lotty’s idea to be the bookmaker.

  “Okay, but how do we choose the teams?” Cleve asked. “I mean, we have to make it fair.”

  “Just like in softball at school,” Denny said.

  Cleve tossed an ax handle up in the air and six hands knew to grab for it. The order they grabbed, top to bottom, was the order they picked partners. Meanwhile, Lotty drove Ajax up to load the saws from the barn.

  Babe hadn’t been picked first for anything since they played tug-of-war at school. She stood next to Hank, who grinned ear to ear. The difference in their heights was comical.

  Across the creek Luckett had stopped his panning and sat on his shoreline chair, watching the commotion. Babe reckoned they looked like a carnie—animals, equipment, people shouting, laughing. What an odd collection of curiosities and delights.

  Saws were passed out and the teams had taken their places in the water.

  “Everyone all set?” Lotty called out.

  Six saws set on top of the log.

  “Now, I know trees, Babe,” Hank said. “Make sure we keep away from knots. And remember, you got to get a feel for how strong I can pull.”

  “You just take care you don’t fly acrost the creek when I pull back,” Babe said, grinning at him.

  “That’s what I mean, Babe. Pull back with the same strength as me. Otherwise, we’ll get the blade stuck. This old saw is rusty to begin with.”

  “On the count of three! One! Two! Three!” Lotty shouted.

  The teams began sawing, shouting, sawing, cursing. Sawdust and water flew all around them. You! Me! You! Me! Pull! Push! Pull!

  “Take it easy, Babe!” She’d nearly pulled Hank over the log on her first few pulls. “Easy!” They quickly found their own rhythm. Five, six, seven inches into the tree, with six more inches before they would be sawing underwater. Babe stole a look over her shoulder at the team next to them. Their saw got stuck and twang! The cursing and blame went back and forth when their saw no longer did.

  Within twenty minutes she and Hank knocked the spots off everyone else. Babe knew she looked a sight. Red, hot face dotted with sawdust and sand; hair undone and hanging in her face, soaking from head to toe, but she didn’t remember ever having so much fun. She and Hank started for the creek’s shore. Hank stepped into a hole and Babe was quick to grab him by his collar.

  “I got you!” she said, pulling him up with a jerk.

  “Thanks, pardner!” he said. He started to clap her on the back, then stopped. �
��I mean, thanks, miss!” He gave her a sweeping bow, picking up a hatful of water. “After you!” He placed his hat on his head and looked perfectly charming, red hair and all, muddy and drenched.

  The declared winners reached land to applause, handshakes, and back pats. Babe glanced across the creek—even Luckett was standing, clapping.

  “Babe! You were wonderful! I knew you’d win!” Lotty said, running up to her. “You should have seen Denny’s face when Hank picked you!”

  “First time ever, Lotty! First time I’m happy I’m he-man strong!”

  Babe grinned, not caring a tinker’s dam about her big red lips, her piano-key teeth. She had to figure this is what being a kid is like! Recess! Baseball! Socials!

  But only two teams had cut through their section of the log, so Babe went back to work each time with a different boy working the other side. Soon seven sections of tree lay in the stream.

  Now it was Egypt’s turn. Lotty rode and commanded.

  “No, Egypt!” she shouted. “We’re not swimming today!”

  “She doesn’t want to work! She wants to play!” Denny cried, laughing and pointing as Egypt filled her trunk with water. She lobbed her trunk back and forth playfully, splashing water toward the shore.

  Babe was wading in the water next to Egypt, helping Lotty move the elephant toward the task at hand. “Should I?” Lotty asked, giving Babe a wicked grin.

  “I think you should,” Babe answered. “Let me get out of the way first.”

  On command, Egypt aimed her water-loaded trunk toward the shore. At first shocked, then delighted, the kids roared with laughter and it soon became one huge water fight.

  But Lotty got Egypt settled and back to work. One by one, the sections of logs were pulled out of the creek. Bit by bit, the creek was becoming a stream again.

  Then a rumbling sound—so far away, so vague, few noticed. Then a few rocks came tumbling down the hillside. Everyone turned, looked up. More of the hillside began to shear away. No one moved. A few more rocks stumbled down, followed by some rivulets of sand. Now everyone scattered back along the shore.

  Lotty and Babe moved closer together. “Oh no. It can’t start all over again, it just can’t!” Lotty said, almost as a prayer.