“It’s supposed to be boys only!” Walik complained angrily before looking back at his dad for him to say something to his sister.
“It ain’t gon make a difference!” Yuma let out before waving for my other cousins who were girls, to come up to the front lines. Everybody knew Yuma had a crush on Auntie V. Whatever she wanted, he did. Including breaking a thousand-year-old tradition. “We can make it interesting. Only five flags for five boys. Ain’t nothing wrong with letting the girls try to get a flag.”
I could hear the stirs and whispers of excitement and hesitation as my cousins Delilah, Tallulah, and Indigo were brought forward. Delilah stood between Moonk and me, spitting on her hands before rubbing them together while the other two stood on the ends.
Now it was getting interesting, and I could see the family take notice. Even a small gust of wind blew amongst us in response.
“Remember! What you see is all in your head!” Yuma called out one last time, pointing to the side of his head as he slowly backed out of the street. “A trick of the mind! Remain focused, listen to your spirit, and let your totem guide you! Go on with it E!”
“ON YA MARK!?” Earnell yelled. I leaned forward. Sneakers tied tight in the ready position to take off. Seeing a gust of wind blow through the grass, showing a dark opening hole waiting for me to shoot through.
My path.
“This is your path in life!” Yuma yelled. “And your path in spirit! Remember!”
“GET SET!?”
I inhaled deeply before releasing a cool breath. Nose flared, mouth open ready to breathe through as a deadly silence took over the grounds. Nobody moved, nobody spoke. I could see a few cousins stupidly look to the side wondering what was the hold up, but I kept my eyes straight on that path opening for me.
“What if my glasses fall?!” Indigo yelled, pushing the glasses up her nose. Hair snow-white pulled back in a ponytail against her dark complexion. “I can’t see in the dark!”
“Stop whining!” Walik barked.
“Don’t yell at her just cuz you’re afraid of a couple of girls!” Tallulah yelled before jumping in place. Two messy braids that hung halfway down her back. Overalls that hung off one shoulder with torn chucks. We all figured she didn’t know how to act like a girl since she was only raised by her dad. Nobody knew who her mama was or if she even had one for that matter with the way she acts. Hands cupping her mouth, Tallulah screeched wildly towards the sky. “Ayeeee yahyahyaaaaah!”
“That’s my girl! Tallulah finna run y'all lil niggas clean out!” Uncle Dwayne hollered. “Let them ancestors know yo name Lu! Let em hear you!”
“Get on with it!” Delilah demanded, leaning forward in the ready position as we all settled, and waited for Earnell. We glanced at each other as she smirked at me.
“You scared oh great Homer, king of mama’s boys?” She asked in a low teasing voice.
“Scared of yo ugleh mug, and black feet more than I am of running in the dark,” I retorted, looking straight ahead. “Stay out my way.”
“GO!” Earnell yelled as the music turned up to ‘Protect Ya Neck’. We all took off. Hands gripping and grabbing at each other to push one another back as I attempted to shove Delilah off before cutting in front of her.
Five black boys and three black girls ran across the dirt road and dove straight into the high grass. Swollen moon weighing heavy above us. I parted the grass, hearing it whip behind me. Closing the path shut. My arms began to swipe and move through the thick weeds, hearing my cousins shout.
“Pussy ass niggas! Yall ain’t gon catch up to me when I get this flag!” Fowler yelled. Free to cuss for the first time when no adult was in earshot. “Just try not come in last or choke on my smoke boi!”
“It’s not a race!” Moonk yelled.
“My glasses fell!” Indigo yelled. “I can’t even see!”
I ducked and moved from one path to another as it grew darker. Voices becoming faint, and the only thing you could hear was my heavy breathing, and footsteps. I looked back seeing the pitch black cloak over the fields, losing my sense of direction before looking up at the grass that seemed to grow taller than me.
“Not real, it's not real,” I kept saying to myself as I crouched down to find what direction my foot prints came from. “None of this is real…”
I hiked up my jeans from my knees to bend down further before hearing the sound of footsteps. Running. Out of nowhere two shirtless little boys with a red gas can came bursting through the tall grass laughing. One looking back like he was being followed before looking back at me with a crooked grin.
“Hurry! We’re about to see how long it takes!” Was all he said as they cut right in front of me, and disappeared into the grass.
“Huh?” I let out, confused. The sound of their laughter and lingering scent of gasoline filled the air. I slowly parted the tall weeds, trying to follow behind the boys, taking one slow step after another.
“Hurry up!” One of them yelled. “You’re moving too slow----!”
“What are you doing?!” I asked, still pushing through the dark grass until I saw the red gas can knocking against the weeds. “I’m supposed to be running for the white flag!”
“You mean this?” One of them spoke out as a little boy appeared out of nowhere holding a white rag in his hands. Large eyes smiling hard at me with his bare chest poked out. Hair brushed in small waves, and bare feet covered in dirt, and soil.
“How did you get that?” I asked, snatching the rag from him. He put his pointer finger to his lips to shush me before cowering to the ground as I followed.
“I see people race out here all the time for this,” he whispered. “We were out here first though…”
“Doing what?” I pressed, following behind him, and his younger brother who carried the gas can. We came up to a dark spot in the fields where the sky above had no stars, no moon, nothing. It was so dark, I felt compelled to stick close to the boys until the younger one looked back at us with a point.
“Let’s see how long it takes,” he whispered, pointing at a shadow in front of him. I strained my neck to see a small body of a little girl curled up in a ball like she was asleep on the ground. Wearing nothing but a t-shirt with her hair wrapped in a scarf. She looked like she could be their sister until the boy slowly stood up and began to circle her body with the gas can. Pouring a liquid trail around her.
“What are you doing?!” I hissed.
“See how long it takes for the fireman to get here…. We do this all the time…. My brother thinks they won’t show up...I said they’ll be here in under a minute….”
The younger brother began to pour the liquid on the side of the girl’s body, soaking her shirt as my mouth dropped. Before I could say anything, he pulled out a match stick, flicking it on the box. Flame bouncing a shadow light against our faces as we stared at one another over the small fire.
“You better run,” he spoke, voice growing deep as the little girl began to move. I felt sweat beginning to pour down my face, chest heaving with nerves as she lifted her head up, and met my eyes. Identical eyes, identical face...She looked like me until I watched the match stick flick over towards her. Seeing our identical face grow in shock, and fear at the same time. Like we mirrored each other in real time. Before she could scream, I shot up from the ground and took off. Feeling the flames ignite, and explode with heat. Covering her screams and cries, I ran for my life. Only looking back to see the flames racing through the grass like it was following my same path.
“YUMAAA!?” I screamed with tears in my eyes. “MAMAAAAA?! MAAAA?!”
Arms flailing against my body, mouth wide, spit flying. Tears growing. Constantly looking back at the growing fire as I cried out again.
“MAMAAAAAAA?!”
I whipped, and slapped at the grass. Hands shoving the weed from one side to another like I was swimming, pulling up my jeans as my feet felt the burn from the fire catching up. Where was the street?! Where was the street!? It was so dark, I could hardl
y see my way but I felt sparks of fire hit against my back as I cried out. Trying to turn, and run in a different direction, screaming for somebody to come get me until I ran directly into someone. Feeling my feet lift off the ground, and hearing Yuma’s voice yell out.
“I got him! I got him, and he’s got the flag!”
I could hear the cheers from my family as Yuma put me to my feet, and wiped my face down with the same white rag.
“It’s in your head. Whatever you saw, it's all in your head Homer. Be still!” Yuma hollered, trying to calm me down. “Aye, lemme see them muscles lil man, lemme see…You not a baby no more, you came out a grown man. Lemme see the guns.”
I weakly sucked in my chest, holding my stomach tight. Lower lip curled as I attempted to flex, tears draining down my face, white tribal paint smeared. Yuma gently slapped my cheek with a laugh before looking back into the field.
“Atta boi’,” he let out. “Homer is the first one out!”
First thing I did was run straight for my mama. Talking a mile a minute about what happened, and what I saw. Forgetting that I wasn’t supposed to speak on it.
“Boy stop all that damn crying! You too soft! Let him go Carol!”
“No you need to stop all that hollering!” She argued before bending down to my level. Sister still in her arms as she looked me in the eyes. Smearing her hand down my teary face. “Look at you lil man, you out here. You made it.”
“I saw them set that girl on fire----.”
“It was all in your head,” she whispered as loud claps, and hollers let out. I looked back seeing Delilah strutting out with a twirl of the white flag, and smirk at me. Unscathed.
“Homer look at me,” Carol Skye said, turning my chin towards her. “As long as I’m alive, and long after I’m gone from this earth. Who got yo back?”
“You do,” I sniffed.
“Who got yo front?”
“You do.”
“Ain’t no woman on this earth that got chu like yo mama do,” chucking my chin. “Remember that.”
I sat on the apartment steps leading up to Nasia’s door, going through the photos of Violet, and Pia on my phone. What my youngest sister Siren could manage to find, and send to me at least. Studying every detail from the way Violet’s hair was done, her shoes, to the way she smiled. Even the family photo of her, and this boyfriend together on the grass. All smiles with Violet in between like family. Only to hover over the number with mixed emotions.
“Fuck,” I groaned, dragging a tired hand down my face as I looked up at the parking lot of the complex. Lights popping on one by one as evening began to set in. Where is she? Where the hell is she at? Wasn’t used to Nasia not answering my calls or texts. Even in an argument, she was always right where I needed her to be at that moment.
I could suddenly hear tires against the pavement as I looked up at the low headlights of a black SUV coming down from the entrance of the complex. Pulling up directly in front of the steps I sat on, I saw Nasia’s face in the passenger seat gathering her purse while her best friend Jasmine sat put in the driver’s seat, staring at me with a look of worry.
I got up. Ready to give everything I had to save whatever was left, and prove I didn’t cheat on her, but when Nasia got out, I knew she made her mind up. Wouldn’t look at me. Just pulled her jeans up, whipped her hair back from her face and stared at her phone, but she would not look at me.
“Homer, I need to get into my apartment,” she said in a low voice, refusing to look my way as I came down the steps.
“I’ve been sitting here all afternoon. Where have you----?”
“I need to get my things,” she said, looking at me for the first time. Light face was flushed red with red bags under her eyes from crying.
“Nay---.”
“I don’t want to talk or think about it. Just move so I can get my things. I’m moving back in with my mom----.”
“You what?!” I snapped, confused. “You moving out? This isn’t no, I need time to think, you tryna break up with me? I put it on my life, I put this on my life, my mama’s life I didn’t mess around on you, not once! You know me Nasia! I’m nothing but loyal to you! I fucking worship the ground you walk on! That girl is a day older than our time together! I met that woman before you---!”
“And now you expect me to sit and play stepmom?!” She yelled. Looking up at the sky in frustration, trying to fight back tears before looking away. “Homer, you don’t get it. You never got---.”
“So tell me! Help me understand what it is I don’t get Nasia! I--I’ve been the best man towards you! When you need it, I got it! If I don’t have it, I find a way! Whatever you want, however you want! I’m with it!”
“Stop it,” she muttered, looking down at the ground as I gripped my head. She was serious…. She was serious about this. I couldn’t understand why.
“Because of this other woman who I don’t want!? I have no feelings for her! I can’t stand the sight of her! I don’t want shit to do with her, you don’t have to worry----.”
“It’s not about her Homer,” she finally admitted, seeing the gulp she took go down her throat as she looked at me. “I see girls my age living life, having fun, in the clubs...The parties, traveling, and----.”
“No,” shaking my head, already knowing where this was going. I sat back down on the step, staring at my fingers, trying to build up a defense, blocking whatever she was about to hit me with. “I’ve been a good man to you Nasia. Nothing but a good man to you---.”
“Maybe that’s not what I fucking want, have you thought about that? I don’t want to settle, and get married, and have kids this early---.”
“So we don’t have to have----!”
“I don’t want to leave Atlanta. I don’t want to be a housewife and be stuck up under you all the time. I want to live life...You don’t. You’re settled, I’m not Homer,” she let out with tears draining down her face. “You’re a wonderful man, and would probably make some girl happy who is looking for that, but I want more….What you’re offering me isn’t enough. I ask you all the time, can we go here? I want to go here and rub shoulders with the elite or I don’t know, go to an industry party. Anything! Something! I work with people all the time telling me how they went out to this, and that and it kills me knowing that when I’m with you, it's the same fucking shit! Lay up, fuck, fuck lay up. You have no ambition to move up in life. You’re comfortable right where you’re at, right next to yo mama in lonely ass South Carolina! I thought I would be able to do it. Even my mom says I would be crazy to let a man like you get away because eventually, I’m going to want to settle down, but now this…” Throwing her hand loosely in the air as she cried. “This woman comes into your life with a child that looks just like you, and all I can think about is, this is exactly what you want. You want to be somebody’s father, you want to be somebody’s husband. I can’t compete with that, and I’m not about to try----.”
“Not with her. I didn’t choose that little girl, and I damn sho didn’t choose the mama,” I muttered in a low tone. “I loved you Nasia, I still love you. Been the only woman for years----.”
“It’s not enough…Not nearly enough.”
There was silence as I looked up at her, seeing her face was red, body trembling as she pulled out a trash bag from her purse.
“I need to get my things from here. I’ll be moving out next week----.”
“So you never loved me?”
“You know I did, don’t even try it. Don’t you dare even try it with me Homer!” She argued. “I won’t ever love a man the way I loved you, and you know that. I’ve told you things about me that I haven’t told my own family----.”
“So why are you breaking up with me?” Standing up, trying to come for her. Maybe if I touched her, just grabbed her hand, something to hold on to the last bit of what was left of our relationship. “Why are you---.”
“Let me go, don’t touch me,” pulling back. “Homer---HOMER?!” She shrieked, hand slapping mine away as I gra
bbed her arms tight. The moment she screamed my name out again, I let go. Hearing an apartment door open from upstairs. I was losing it. I didn’t know what was happening and didn’t expect her to break up with me just that fast. Like it was nothing.
“That’s it Nasia?” I pleaded. “That’s it? You won’t even let me fight, or plead my case on why we should be together? Why after how many years…. you were supposed to be---.”
“Your wife, I know,” cutting me off as she moved past me to go up the stairs. “That’s not what I want right now.”
Not once, looking back.
“Nasia? Naaay?” I called out, gripping the back of my head, trying not to scream. “NASIA?!”
Her back remained facing me before disappearing around the corner, and entering her apartment.
“Aye young nigga?” Someone called out as I looked around the first level apartment doors, seeing one was cracked at the very end. Couldn’t make out a face, but I could see his fingers gripping the wood from the other side. “Leave that girl alone man. She ain’t gon know what she got till it's gone, and you can’t make her see what’s right in front of her face if she refuses to open her eyes. When she do open her eyes, she’s gonna look past you...let that girl go. Yo first heartbreak don’t get no easier by nagging at her.”
The door closed shut just as Nasia came out with the first bag full of her clothes. Refusing to look at me before disappearing back inside her apartment. Before I made this fucked up situation any worse, I took my leave. Heart throbbing uncontrollably, head pounding, eyes burning, I kept walking. Didn’t stop until I reached my car. Avoiding her best friend who got out the car to help Nasia pack.
Without thinking I had anyone else to turn to, I got the only person in the world I could talk to on the phone.
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