“No, no, my lady. The soup is delicious. I’ve just been feeling a bit faint all day and I think it’s finally caught up with me. If you’ll excuse me.” She had left the room before Solomon or Mother could offer any help.
“I should go after her,” Solomon announced as he pushed his chair back.
“Of course, Solomon. Go! Please get her whatever she needs.” Mother stood as well and practically shooed her son from the room.
Luckily Juliet had not made it very far. He spied her almost at the staircase. “Juliet, wait!” he called again. How many times would he have to ask Juliet to wait, to stop running from him? She stopped, a hand hovering over the banister, but she did not turn to face him right away.
When she finally did, the look on her face nearly broke Solomon’s heart. “You’re not actually feeling ill.”
She squeezed her eyes shut. “No, not quite.”
Solomon took her hand from the banister and clasped it in both of his. “Please, Juliet, tell me what’s wrong.”
Juliet took a slow, deep breath. She did not look at him as she said those awful, dreaded words. “There is something we must discuss.”
Solomon’s mind ripped him back to the last time he’d heard those words nearly four years ago in London. They’d been walking back to his townhome from the shops. And right there outside his house, the home he’d thought Juliet would one day share with him, she’d said those exact same words and ended their courtship. They couldn’t have a future together, she’d told him. Then she’d walked away when he begged to know why, never looking back.
Juliet’s eyes finally met Solomon’s and the terrible sadness he saw there sent a chill through his body. Solomon steeled himself and pointed to the nearest room, a small and rarely used sitting room. Juliet went in first and Solomon followed, leaving the door slightly ajar and praying that no servants would happen to walk by.
She took another deep breath. She looked far more nervous than she had last time. There had been no hesitation. In fact, Juliet’s delivery had been cold, almost cruel as she’d broken Solomon’s heart. Her expression now contained no trace of coldness or cruelty, yet Solomon felt in the pit of his stomach that his worst fears would soon come true once again.
Solomon stepped closer, but stopped himself from reaching out for her. He could see in the way her body tensed that she did not want to be touched or held, even though it was the thing Solomon wanted the most in the world.
“Please tell me what you are thinking and feeling,” he said instead, remaining in his spot, not trying to get any closer.
“I’ve been thinking about this for a while and, for some reason, her ladyship’s statement just now suddenly made it all seem very real to me,” Juliet started, her voice cracking here and there as she forced the words out. She looked everywhere but Solomon, as if she might find strength in the rug or the fireplace or the sofa. “If...if I marry you, I will no longer be Pearl’s governess.”
Solomon felt his heart slowly beginning to crack as that terrible word rang in his ears. If. He could no longer hold himself back. He rushed forward, gently grasping Juliet’s upper arms just as he’d done at the pond a few days ago, his thumbs caressing the sleeves of her dress to comfort both her and himself.
“You will still be in Pearl’s life when we marry. We’ll simply hire a new governess who can dedicate all her time and energy to Pearl’s education, leaving you free to have lunch with her or take her for walks or whatever else you may want to do,” he whispered urgently. “Besides, you will have many other things to deal with like meeting the other ladies in the county, hosting events, getting to know the management of the household. There will still be plenty for you to do. And when you’re not busy with those things, you can do whatever you’d like—sketching, riding about the estate, playing with Pearl. Anything.”
Juliet frowned, looking almost pained. She shook her head slowly. “But that’s just it, Solomon. I want to teach.”
Solomon’s brows furrowed in confusion. He could not think of a single story he’d heard about a governess who chose the profession purely for a love of teaching. Most governesses became governesses because they had no other choice. Wasn’t that exactly what Juliet had done? She’d wanted to escape her oppressive parents so she had taken up this occupation. Luckily, she’d come to adore Pearl in the process.
“I know you enjoy teaching Pearl and you’ve done a wonderful job, but there are many other things you can do with your time now. Wouldn’t you rather walk through the rose garden with Pearl instead of correcting her sums?”
Juliet stepped back, releasing herself from Solomon’s grasp. His heart picked up a painful, erratic rhythm in his chest. Everything he said seemed to make the situation worse, no matter how encouraging he tried to be.
Juliet crossed one arm over her waist while her other hand came up to rub her forehead. Solomon had never seen her so frustrated. “You misunderstand me, Solomon. I want to teach because I love it. I’d sworn myself off marriage when I was a girl after seeing how unhappy my parents were and how foolish they made themselves look by constantly trying to claw their way up through the ton. I saw how empty their lives were, how devoid of purpose aside from acquiring richer friends, a bigger house, better clothes.
“They wanted to use me and Cecilia as pawns to help them achieve all those superficial things by marrying us off to the wealthiest man who looked in our direction. That wasn’t good enough for Cecilia, of course. She wanted true love and thank God she found it in Henry. But I did not want true love. I did not want any love because I knew it would trap me in the same life of mundane social pleasantries, leaving me with nothing to be proud of for my time spent on this earth. Now I’ve found my purpose as Pearl’s governess. I’ve found a way to make meaningful change, something that truly fulfills me while helping someone else.”
She paused, her chest rising and falling rapidly. Solomon had missed hearing such impassioned speeches from Juliet. Despite what he knew was coming, he admired her even more. He only wished that she would have told him all this, preferably years ago. They’d had many discussions about Mr. and Mrs. Richards and her disapproval of their behavior, but Juliet had never indicated that she had sworn off marriage because of it. Nor had she made any mention of her desperate desire to find a real purpose in life. How could Solomon help an issue he didn’t even know existed?
“I love you, Solomon,” Juliet whispered, her voice thick with barely held back tears. Those words only deepened the cracks in Solomon’s heart. They hadn’t said that to each other yet since restarting their courtship. Solomon had thought they should wait for the perfect romantic moment, the moment when he could ask her to marry him after telling her how much he loved her. It should not have happened like this.
“I love you, Solomon, but I don’t know yet if I can live a life without purpose, a life that doesn’t bring some good to someone else.” She shook her head and bit her lip, a few tears slipping down her lovely face.
Solomon went cold. He took a step back as something inside him shut off. He knew he must take matters into his own hands this time. “I can’t say I truly understand your desires right now, but what I do know is that I cannot live with this uncertainty any longer.”
Juliet’s head snapped up. She finally looked Solomon in the eyes. She looked scared. It nearly tugged at Solomon’s heart, but the time had come to protect himself. He had found himself in this position yet again and he could bear it no longer.
“Even if we did marry,” he continued, “I don’t know that I could ever really trust that you genuinely wanted to be with me or when your mind might change again.”
Juliet took a hesitant step forward, her hands reaching out to him. “Solomon, please—”
“I’ll be leaving for London in two days. I need space and time to sort this all out,” he announced coldly, his eyes barely seeing Juliet.
He turned and walked away, pausing at the door. “I’ll see you when I return,” he muttered without looking ba
ck.
As Solomon thundered up the stairs toward his quarters, he realized that his heart no longer felt like it was breaking. It had gone completely hollow instead.
He’d chosen not to look back at Juliet before he left. He knew that if he did, his heart would shatter. And now he must do everything in his power to protect his heart from yet another devastating blow.
Chapter 13
“Miss Richards?” Pearl called curiously. Juliet returned to earth, tearing her eyes away from the window to refocus on her charge. Pearl gazed at her with her head tilted to the side, her telltale move that showed she was puzzling something over in her mind. She even looked a bit worried. She must have been trying to get Juliet’s attention for a while.
“I’m sorry, Pearl. My mind must have wandered away for a minute.” Juliet smiled sheepishly, embarrassed to have been caught so out of sorts by her student. But she knew it was important to show Pearl that one must apologize if they’ve done something wrong, even if it embarrassed or hurt them.
Pearl frowned. “You always scold me when my mind wanders off.”
Juliet couldn’t help chuckling at this. “I suppose even adults get lost in thought sometimes. I’ll try to be more understanding of it in the future,” she promised.
Pearl nodded happily and pushed her French book toward Juliet, pointing at the page. “What does this word mean?”
“Which one? Rêver? That means to dream,” Juliet answered before gazing out the window again as Pearl continued reading.
Her eyes roamed over the bright green grass, young and strong. It seemed like just yesterday it had been covered in snow, a happy little group marching out into the cold to make a snow gentleman.
Juliet shook her head, earning her another curious glance from Pearl. She returned her attention to the lesson as fully as she could. Of course, she could not completely banish Solomon from her thoughts. Her aching heart would not allow it. She could just barely manage to numb it for a while so she could get her most important tasks done.
The rest of Juliet’s day passed in a melancholy blur and she somehow found herself on her way back to her room, exhausted from the day’s activities. She paused in surprise when she noticed the housekeeper waiting at her door. She must have knocked, waiting for Juliet to answer. Before Juliet could ask what she could help with, Mrs. Lake turned.
“Ah, there you are. You received a letter,” she stated matter-of-factly, not an ounce of warmth in her voice, as she held out a small folded page.
“Thank you, Mrs. Lake. But may I ask why it wasn’t delivered with the other morning letters?” Juliet asked as politely as she could. She had her suspicions, but she did not want to point the finger at anyone.
Mrs. Lake looked around awkwardly, unable to meet Juliet’s eyes. “It seems it got mixed up with someone else’s mail and we only just discovered it.”
“I understand. Good night, Mrs. Lake.” With letter in hand and the housekeeper down the hall, Juliet slipped into her bedroom.
Of course Mrs. Lake had lied. Juliet could not pinpoint any specific person, and there might not be just one, but she had reason to believe that some of the other staff had hidden the letter as a way to prank her. They had gotten bolder, showing their real feelings since Solomon had left for London a week ago. They knew Juliet would not complain and Lady Overton seemed oblivious to the goings on of the staff.
Juliet leaned back against the door for a moment. The letter felt heavy in her hands though it was only one sheet. Her heart beat tentatively as her fingers slid over the paper as if trying to feel the contents of the letter and its author.
Finally she summoned the courage to flip it over and saw Cecilia’s handwriting. Juliet swallowed her disappointment. How could she have dared to hope that Solomon had written to her?
Juliet crossed to her bed and sank down on the soft blanket. She opened the letter and felt soothed at the sight of her sister’s elegant, curved handwriting. Cecilia wished her well as always, but as Juliet read on, she remembered the last letter she’d written to her sister. It had been before Solomon left, before everything had fallen apart.
She expected to be crushed by Cecilia’s joy and premature congratulations. Juliet hadn’t shared any of her misgivings even with her dear sister. The letter contained nothing of the sort. Instead, Juliet found herself crushed by something else entirely.
Juliet, is everything really settled between you and Solomon? Her words were gentle, but Juliet could almost hear Cecilia’s hesitation. Henry just received a rather distressing letter from Solomon and I thought I should write to you about it immediately. Of course Henry allowed me to read it as well.
Juliet nearly chuckled at that. There could never truly be any secrets between a married couple. Or at least a couple as happily married and emotionally connected as her sister and brother-in-law. Cecilia did not repeat exactly what Solomon’s letter had said, but he sounded to be in very rough shape, deeply unhappy and terribly hurt. Of course, Solomon had already told Henry not to come to London for his sake, as he knew Cecilia had been having a difficult time with her pregnancy thus far with all its aches and pains. Solomon wanted Henry to stay home and take care of his wife.
A small smile crept up Juliet’s face. Of course Solomon knew his best friend well enough to know he would want to come all the way to London and help. He had readily talked him out of it, putting Cecilia’s needs above his own.
When he let it show, Solomon could be a very caring and thoughtful man. It was such a shame to Juliet that more people did not know about this because they did not take the time to see past his charming smiles and playful humor.
Please remember, Jules, that you can write to me about whatever is on your mind at any time. I am always, always praying for your health and happiness. I love you, dear sister.
Tears forced their way into Juliet’s eyes as she finished reading Cecilia’s letter. She did not want to burden her sister with her troubles when the poor woman already had enough to deal with in the form of her toddler and the new baby growing inside her, in addition to the many duties that befell a baroness. But Juliet loved Cecilia even more than she’d already thought possible for offering to shoulder the burden with her anyway.
She needed to spill her thoughts out to Cecilia. Though the hour had grown late and Juliet’s body sagged with fatigue, her mind had come alive on the subject. She sat down at her small writing desk in the corner of her room and pulled out her paper and pen.
At first Juliet stared at the blank page, wondering where to begin. With a sigh, she dipped her pen into the ink pot and began writing something. Once she had a few words down, she found herself effortlessly shedding her thoughts onto the page, sparing no detail from her feelings or fears. It would probably be quite disjointed and sloppy, but Juliet did not care and she knew Cecilia wouldn’t either.
I can’t believe I’ve done this again, Sissy. I’ve let go of the one true love of my life and all because I couldn’t get over my fears of having my life’s purpose stripped from me. I’m such a terrible, awful fool.
Juliet confessed to panicking every time Solomon had talked about her leaving her post as Pearl’s governess, even though she knew Solomon would have treated her with all the love and respect she could dream of. The idea of spending the rest of her days doing mostly nonsense activities had scared her into paralysis. Instead of voicing her fears to Solomon as she should have done, she’d let them simmer under the surface until they came bursting forth.
And now she’d broken his heart again. But this time he pulled away before she could push.
I cannot blame him at all, Juliet wrote, trying and failing to steady her hand. She could only hope that she hadn’t smudged the ink too badly. He has every right to expect equal enthusiasm from his future wife. And even if I could tell Solomon how much I love him and want to be with him, there’s no way he could trust me again after I’ve broken his heart twice. I have never felt so angry with myself. How could I have ruined this divine second ch
ance?
Juliet quickly wiped her tears away to keep them from falling on the page and turning her words into a watery mess.
She couldn’t rewrite this letter. She could not bear to write these awful, shameful words again.
Chapter 14
“Lord Overton!” Solomon heard someone call his name as if through a long tunnel. He tore his eyes away from the dance floor where a dozen couples swirled around in a cloud of lovely colors. He returned his attention to Lord Cotts, an acquaintance from his club. The man frowned at him. He’d clearly been trying to get Solomon’s attention for some time.
“My apologies. My thoughts must have drifted elsewhere. Now what were you saying?” Solomon’s voice came out in a dreary monotone. He hardly sounded like himself. Then again, he hardly felt like himself either.
Lord Cotts simply gave him a knowing smirk when he noticed where Solomon had been staring. “I’m sure many ladies will be happy to dance with you, Lord Overton. You are still one of the most dashing men in this room, even under your half mask.”
Solomon tried to laugh but it sounded foreign and forced. He excused himself to get another drink, leaving Lord Cotts behind as quickly as possible. He lingered near a footman holding a tray of glasses, but he didn’t take one. He’d just needed an excuse to be left alone with his thoughts.
This feeling was strange and uncomfortable to Solomon. He usually lived for these grand balls and lively events. He’d always found them to be so much fun, since they offered him an opportunity to catch up with old friends and make new ones. Of course, the Henshells’ welcome masquerade was always one of his favorite events of the whole Season—everyone dressed in their best with resplendent masks, the music playing all night while guests danced until their shoes nearly wore down to nothing.
This year, Solomon had been in a foul mood ever since he’d left Palgrave Castle. He hadn’t been up to much in London yet besides spending time at his club on occasion, though even that he did less frequently than usual.
Embracing The Earl's Dream: A Clean Regency Romance (Resolved In Love Book 4) Page 18