by Carrie Elks
“Is there anything I can do to help?” she asked him, still trying to work out why he sounded so mean. “I could talk to Riley, maybe?”
“You really think that’s a good idea? She saw you… us… together. It would only make the situation worse.”
Ally squeezed her eyes shut. For a moment she was a teenager again, listening to Marnie complaining that she’d used up all the hot water, that she’d eaten the last cookie, or anything else that made Ally look bad in front of her dad. Would she have wanted to talk to Marnie in the same position? Not at all. She couldn’t wait to see the back of her.
Maybe Nate was right. She’d only make it worse if she got involved with the situation. But she felt so damn impotent here, knowing Riley’s world was falling apart and it was her fault.
Or at least partially.
“I don’t know…” she said, covering her face with her hand. “I just want to make things better. Maybe if I found the right words she’d understand. I know this is my fault.”
“Can you quit making this all about you?” Nate sighed. “It’s been a long goddamned day and it’s a stupid time in the morning here. I just wanted to let you know she’s okay.”
“I’m sorry, I—” She tried to think of the right words but they scurried away, hiding in the depths of her mind. Of course he was tired and angry, she would be too in his position. Yes, he was being an asshole, but it was understandable.
He was exhausted, afraid and he had Riley to think about. He was like a tiger growling because he didn’t know what else to do.
“Christ.” He let out a long sigh. She imagined him pulling at his hair the way he sometimes did when he was out of patience.
“When are you coming back?” she asked him. Maybe if they talked about something different he would calm down. She hated to think of him so irate.
“I don’t know. Tomorrow maybe. Or the next day. I need a bit of time alone with Riley first.”
“I thought you were at your sister’s place.”
“We are.”
She took a deep breath in. The whole conversation was laying heavy on her. Nate’s refusal to talk about the situation was making her feel so uncomfortable, yet she didn’t know quite how to word it.
“Maybe once Riley’s back we can talk about this. All of us. It’s not healthy to sweep it under the rug.”
As soon as she said the words she knew they were the wrong ones. The silence that followed was so loaded she could almost hear it screaming. She squeezed her eyes shut, wanting to hit herself with the damn phone she was talking into.
Stupid Ally. She never could say the right thing.
“I…” Nate trailed off, as though he was looking for the right words. Maybe she should have done the same. “Ally, I can’t do this right now,” he finally said, his voice low and thick like it was full of molasses.
“Do what?”
“Talk to you about this. I’m so tired and my head’s messed up and I need to be alone right now.”
Her breath stuttered. “What does that mean?” she asked him. “I don’t understand. Surely we need to talk about Riley and what to tell her about us?”
“I’m sorry, Ally, but there is no us. I can’t think about us right now. I took my eye off the ball. I spent too much time chasing you that I didn’t even see my daughter was spinning off the rails again. I need to just concentrate on her for a while.”
She gasped at the impact of his words. If he’d slapped her it couldn’t have hurt any worse. Tears stung at her eyes, heating her skin as they began to roll down her cheeks.
“Okay,” she whispered through the tears. Her chest began to ache, as though there was a huge weight pushing down on it, making it hard to breathe. “Okay,” she repeated, more to herself than to him.
“Ah, Ally.” He let out another sigh. She waited for him to say something else, but it didn’t come. Just his soft breaths, so more measured than her own. Her hands shook as she held the phone against her wet cheek.
“I need to go,” she said, trying to hide the wobble in her voice. “It’s late here, too.” And neither of them had slept for almost twenty-four hours. It was a shock either of them could speak at all.
She wasn’t going to beg. Not while she had some semblance of self respect left. It hurt like hell to have him speak to her like this, but she wasn’t going to let him know that.
“Ally,” he said again. And once again she waited, her teeth gritting together when she realized he wasn’t going to follow it up. That’s when the anger began to rise inside her, replacing the sadness and the indignation. This man had slept with her, he’d listened to her worst fears, confided some of his own. And yet right now he was treating her like a stranger. No, worse than that. He wouldn’t talk to a stranger the way he was talking to her, not without risking getting his face punched.
She looked around the large living room, taking in the beautiful walnut polished floor, the expensive furnishings, the original paintings that had been expertly chosen to complete the look. This wasn’t home. It was far from it – so far she couldn’t quite remember what she was doing here.
She took a deep breath and reached up with her free hand to wipe away the tears that were spilling down her face. “The superintendent of my apartment called earlier. The elevator’s finally fixed.” She didn’t wait for a response. “I’ll move out tomorrow morning,” she said, trying to keep her voice as mild as possible. “That way when you and Riley get home I won’t be here.”
“There’s no rush.”
Yes there was. If her whole body hurt now, it was going to hurt so much more when she saw them in the flesh. She didn’t trust herself not to break down in front of them, and there was no way she wanted to make this situation worse than it already was.
Nate had made it clear that Riley came first, and that was how it should be. And if the way he did it was cruel and unfeeling? Well, she was a big girl now. She could handle it.
“It’s fine. I’ll be gone by the time you’re back.”
“I can help you. Or call somebody…”
“No. I have friends. I’ll ask them for help.”
He was silent again. As though her last words had sunk in.
“I’m going to bed,” she told him, more than ready for this conversation to end. “Thanks for letting me stay. And good luck with Riley. She’s a good kid, try not to be too hard on her.” She licked her lips, tasting the salt of her tears. “Goodbye, Nate.”
She didn’t wait for him to reply. There was nothing he could say that would make her feel any better. Pulling the phone from her face she ended the call and leaned back on the sofa, closing her eyes.
She was alone again. Completely and utterly. But that was okay. She’d been alone before and survived it. This time she was going into it as a pro.
Shit.
Nate’s hands curled into fists. He wanted to hit something. Anything. But it was in the middle of the goddamned night here in Boston and any sudden movement was sure to wake Riley or Kirsten up.
He wasn’t quite sure what the hell had just happened. There’d been something in Ally’s tone that had reminded him of Stephanie. Something about the way she’d said ‘us’ that had put him on edge. As if she was trying to make him choose again. Between the woman he’d desired and the daughter he’d promised to always take care of.
It was a no-brainer. And Ally should know that.
He shook his head, still not able to understand how the conversation had gotten so messed up so quickly. But his brain couldn’t focus on it no matter how hard he tried. No big surprise, really – it was after three in the morning here in Boston. California seemed like more than half a world away. Those nights with Ally seemed like a hazy dream.
And his actions like a nightmare.
He dropped his head into his hands and leaned back on the couch. Kirsten had made it up, tucking a crisp white sheet over the cushions, putting two plump pillows on the armrest. On top there was a thick red comforter, enough to block out the chill o
f the Boston night.
All he could think about was the previous night. How connected they’d been, how he’d held her and felt so much warmth, not just from her skin but from being with her. The memory of the break in her voice as he told her there was no ‘us’ made him feel sick. His heart ached at the thought of her all alone in his house, thinking he didn’t care.
The problem was he cared too much. He was in danger of losing his daughter because of it. He couldn’t let it happen. While they’d been talking on the phone it had felt like that conversation with Stephanie all over again. She wanted to talk about their relationship while all he could think about was losing his daughter.
Yeah, but she isn’t Stephanie, is she? She’s never once asked you to choose between her and Riley. They love each other, any fool could see that.
There was a truth to that voice in his head that made him want to punch something. His chest felt as though it was being torn in two. He’d messed up and he kept making it worse. And he had no idea what to do next.
What the hell had he done?
Should he call her back? He looked at his phone, at the time reflecting on the screen. It was so late it wasn’t funny. More importantly, he was beyond tired. Beyond exhausted. It was as though his body was running on fumes, each part of him slowly breaking down until he was going to stop all together. The entire apartment was silent, save for the creaking of the old pipes and the loud insistent beat of his heart. He cleared his throat just to hear some noise.
If he called her back he’d probably make it worse. His brain wasn’t working properly, that much was clear. No matter how he looked at things he had no idea how to make both his daughter and the woman he cared for happy. He needed to get Riley home and safe, and then he could work things out. Find a way forward from this mess he’d found himself in.
A mess of his own damn creation.
Ally was different, that little voice he hated so much whispered from deep inside his mind. She was kind and funny and for some reason she liked you. You’re a dipshit, Nate Crawford.
The truth of those words made him hate himself a little bit more.
He’d dug himself a hole so deep he wasn’t sure how to climb out of it. And in doing so, he might have lost the best thing that had ever happened to him.
27
When Ally walked into her apartment building it felt completely wrong. Though it had only been a few weeks since Ally was last there, everything felt so much smaller. As she made her way into the elevator, Ember and Lucas following close behind, Ally had to swallow down the feelings of panic that threatened to envelope her.
Was it possible to develop claustrophobia over the course of a few days? Because right now it was all she could do to keep herself breathing.
“Are you okay?” Ember asked, tipping her head to the side. “You look ill.”
“I’m fine.” Ally nodded as though that would convince her friend. “Or I will be as soon as the elevator takes us to my floor. I don’t trust this new part they installed yet.”
Lucas smiled. “I checked the maintenance log. It’s all good.”
Ember rubbed his arm. “My hero.” She glanced at Ally. “I knew having a firefighter around would come in handy.”
“Is that the only reason you keep me around?” He lifted an eyebrow. Ally watched as the two of them stared at each other, their eyes filled with love. It made her heart ache.
“That and the fact you’re great at carrying bags,” Ember told him, glancing down at Ally’s suitcases. There were only three of them. It didn’t seem a lot to show for the past few weeks, but then Ally was carrying most of the baggage inside of herself.
She wasn’t quite ready to unpack those dark thoughts yet, however heavy they felt.
The elevator pinged when they reached the fifth floor. After a pause that made her hold her breath, the doors slowly slid open, revealing the hallway that led to her apartment. It was darker than she remembered – the interior lit by dim spotlights. Such a contrast to the light-filled beach house she’d just left.
There was a musty smell inside her apartment that would disappear with the opening of a few windows. Unopened letters were scattered across the wooden floor – no doubt pushed under the door by some of her neighbors; their mail was always getting mixed up. But apart from that everything looked the same way it had a few weeks ago. Before she’d been butt-dialed by Riley and ran out of the door. Maybe if she sat down in her living room and closed her eyes for a moment, she could pretend that it had never happened.
That she hadn’t gone running in the rain to stop Riley from jumping.
That Nate hadn’t brought her to his home and taken care of her.
That Ally hadn’t fallen for him so badly every part of her ached. Especially the bones that were knitting themselves back together beneath her cast.
It was probably a good thing she couldn’t run at the moment, even though every muscle in her ached to move. Because if she put her running shoes on and made her way down to the beach she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to bring herself to stop.
Lucas walked into the living room. “I put your bags on your bed. You need some help unpacking?”
She gave him the biggest smile she could muster. “No, thank you. I’ll empty them later. It’ll give me something to do.”
“You don’t look well. Should we call your doctor?” Ember asked. “Maybe you shouldn’t have moved out so soon. I could call Nate and tell him you’re going back there?”
Ally shook her head. “No, I probably just need to lie down.”
Lucas walked into the kitchen and poured her a glass of water, bringing it back and putting it in Ally’s hand. “When did you last take some painkillers?”
“Um, I’m not sure. Yesterday I think.” Or was it the day before? Anyway, the hurt she was feeling right now couldn’t be touched by a pill. And yet when Lucas grabbed her purse and brought it back to her, she dug through it until she found the bottle of pills the doctor had described her. Two pills, four times a day, as needed.
She took the bottle from him with a wan smile. “I’ll take some later if I need to. It doesn’t hurt so much any more.” She glanced down at the printed instructions. There was no mention of whether they could mend a broken heart.
“When is Nate coming back?”
“Today some time I guess.” The thought made Ally’s chest tighten, enough to push all the breath from her.
“Is he going to call you when he’s home?” Ember asked. “Otherwise maybe you should come and stay with us. I don’t want to leave you on your own.”
“He’s not going to call.” Her voice broke on the last word.
“What?” Ember looked over at Lucas, and he shrugged. She brought her gaze back to Ally. “Why not?”
“Because it’s over between us.”
Ember’s brows dipped as she took Ally’s words in. “But why?” she asked. “You’re just moving out of his house, not finishing your relationship with him.”
She sat silently as Ally filled her in. Lucas was still hovering in the space between her tiny kitchen and living room, looking awkward as Ally spilled her guts. Ember, on the other hand, reached for her hand, folding it between her own.
“He made it clear that things were over between us,” Ally finished, biting her lip in an attempt not to cry. “He was so angry and short with me. I can’t see any way forward for us.”
Ember squeezed Ally’s hand. “Are you sure he meant that he wanted to end it? Maybe he was just trying to cool things between you. A lot has happened in the past few days. He must have been going crazy when Riley disappeared.”
“I know.” Ally felt her tears sting against her cheek. “And I tried to be there for him, I really did. But the way he talked to me on the phone...” She lifted her free hand to wipe her tears. “I should have known it was never going to work. When does it ever work out for me? Everybody leaves eventually. My mom, my dad, Nate…”
“I’m still here,” Ember reminded her.
Ally squeezed her hand back. “I know. And thank God you are.”
“And so are Lucas and Brooke, and all the people in town who stop me constantly to ask how you’re doing.”
“Frank Megassey gave me the third degree when I went to buy some paint the other day,” Lucas said.
“And maybe Nate didn’t mean what he said. You know what phone calls are like. It’s so easy to misunderstand somebody. Just give things time and see what happens.” Ember looked over at Lucas. “Sometimes they’re worth it.”
“Sure,” Ally agreed, though she held out no hope. He was doing what any good dad would do – putting his daughter first.
And if the way he did it was cruel and hurtful? Well, she could handle that. “I’m beat,” she told them. “I might take a nap before I start to unpack.”
Ember nodded. “Rest will probably do you some good. You want me to stay?”
“No. I should be on my own for a while. Get used to being back in this place.” Somehow she found the right muscles to form a smile. “You guys go and enjoy the rest of your day off. You don’t get enough of them. I’ll be fine once I get some sleep. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“But I do. Worry, I mean.”
“Well you don’t need to. I’ve been through worse than this and survived. I can take a little heartbreak.”
Ember hugged her tightly. “I know,” she whispered. “But I wish you didn’t have to.”
Yeah, Ally wished that, too. If hopeless wishes were dollars she’d be a millionaire by now. It was time to stop wishing for things that were never going to happen, and concentrate on getting herself better.
She had a broken ankle to mend, as well as a broken heart. One of them seemed easy – some rest, some time, and a plaster cast to keep things all together.
The other one? Not so simple. And in the meantime she’d learn to live with the pain.
Ally’s eyes flew open, her heart banging against her chest as she looked around the unfamiliar room, trying to work out what was happening. She’d been having a dream, one where she couldn’t stop running even though her body ached and her lungs were screaming with pain. Every time she thought about slowing down her legs kept moving on.