by Carrie Elks
She blinked, her eyes slowly becoming accustomed to the dark of the room. Pursing her lips, she blew out a lungful of air, but it did nothing to slow the racing of her heart. The memory of the dream lingered. It mixed in with the ache that had been in her chest ever since that phone call with Nate. Both of them reminded her that she was alone. Just Ally. She should have learned from experience she couldn’t rely on anybody else.
Nate. The thought of him was physically painful. She took another breath, holding it for a few seconds before releasing it. Her heart rate was slowing, but her body was still on high alert. She tried to turn in her bed, wincing as the cast knocked her good foot. In the end she had to lift her thigh with her hands to move it, but still she wasn’t comfortable.
Maybe this was her life now. Discomfort everywhere.
The kitchen clock was ticking, a constant click that only made her feel more alone. It couldn’t be any earlier than five in the morning. There was nobody she could talk to, nobody to call. Right now it was only her.
And she hated it.
Grabbing her phone she scrolled through the notifications. A few friends had posted on Insta since she’d fallen asleep last night, but just looking at the photographs made her feel even worse. She looked at her last message with Ember and Brooke and for a moment she considered calling them just to hear a friendly voice.
No. That wasn’t fair to them. They both had their own lives, and they both needed to get up early in the morning. As much as they loved her, neither of them needed to hear her tales of woe right now.
Her eyes scanned down the list of chats. She could see Riley’s message from when she’d been in LA. Ally squeezed her eyes shut at the memory of that night.
And then she saw his name. She didn’t need to click on the chat to see what was said. She could remember every conversation they’d had by heart. Even the written ones. Anyway, the last thing he’d sent her was the message saying he’d arrived in Boston. The kind of message that happened every day between couples – they probably never thought twice about it.
But for a moment in time she’d felt like one of them. Taken care of, maybe even loved.
And now it was gone.
It hurt. So much. Even breathing in made her wince with the pain. She’d heard of heartache but never thought it was a real, physical thing. But unless she was dying, that’s exactly what she was feeling.
Shaking her head, she pressed the trashcan icon and deleted those messages. Then she blocked him, the way Ember had shown her. There was no way her heart could stand any contact from him right now.
Her eyes fell to one final contact, lingering there as she tried to block out the pain. Then, without letting herself think about it too hard, she pressed her finger down on it to make a call.
It went straight to voicemail, like she knew it would. And maybe it was better that way for now. There was so much emotion involved. She needed to talk without feeling afraid of being hurt again.
As soon as the message ended she took a deep breath, letting the oxygen surge through her. It was time to talk. Beyond time. And if he’d broken her trust before it didn’t negate the love she knew he felt for her.
“Daddy? It’s Ally. Can you call me back when you get this message?”
28
Her dad had called her back while she was asleep, leaving a message that he’d call again that afternoon. It was strange, but she felt so much calmer now. And unwilling to hide away from the world forever.
She was stronger than that. Amazing what sleep could do for the soul.
The elevator was still working – thank God – and it came up to floor five as soon as she called it. Within moments she was in the lobby, then walking outside to what was another beautiful California day. She stopped and closed her eyes, letting the sun’s rays warm her face.
It was only a five-minute walk from her apartment to the boardwalk, but with crutches it was more like fifteen. She was so used to being able to cover small distances with speed, it was frustrating to be so slow. By the time she made it to the oceanfront she was feeling overheated. Leaning her elbows on her crutches, she lifted her thick hair from her neck and quickly braided it, closing her eyes as a cool breeze danced up from the ocean and kissed her skin.
Déjà Brew was the first shop she came to. It was at the end of the boardwalk, after all, taking up the prized corner position that made it so accessible both from the road and the beach. Sneaking a glance through the window, she swallowed hard, her breath coming a little easier when she saw that Nate wasn’t there.
She wasn’t ready to see him yet. Not ready to smile and pretend he was just a boss. But at least she wasn’t hiding away either. There was a sense of pride in that.
“Ally!” A gruff voice called out from the shop next door. Lorne was sliding diving masks onto a rack, and he smiled as soon as she caught sight of him. She couldn’t help but smile, too. He was wearing a pair of pink board shorts and a white t-shirt that proclaimed he hoped he died before he got old.
God, she loved him.
She made her way over, her crutches slapping against the concrete. As soon as she reached him, Lorne gave her a huge bear hug, as though he knew inside that she needed it before returning to his work.
“So, Lorne cleared his throat as he slid the last mask onto the rack. “You hear from your dad?” he asked, trying – and failing – to keep his tone light.
Ally bit down a smile. “I called him last night and left a message.”
Lorne visibly relaxed. “Oh thank God. He’s been calling me every day to see how you are. The wife thinks I’m having an affair.”
The thought of Lorne being unfaithful to his wife made her want to laugh again.
“Well, you’ll be able to stop being in the middle now,” she told him, reaching out to touch his arm. “Thank you for being there. For both of us.”
“You’re like a daughter to me,” he said, his voice thick. “I’ll always be there for you. And as for your dad, he might be an old reprobate but he’s my best friend.” Lorne shrugged. “I just want you both to be happy.”
Ally’s throat tightened. Happiness felt far too out of reach right now. She’d settle for getting out of the bed in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other – even if it meant leaning on crutches for a while.
She might not be happy but at least she had some strength. She knew her own worth. And it was more than being shouted at through a phone line by a man she’d allowed herself to be vulnerable to.
“Thank you,” she whispered, leaning forward to give him another hug. He was warm and kind and for a moment she allowed him to chase all the other emotions out of her head.
There was plenty of time to think about them later.
“It was good to see you,” Kirsten said, squeezing Nate tight. “Even if it was just a flying visit.”
“We’ll try to make it longer next time.” An announcement came over the loud speakers that he couldn’t quite hear, but it reminded him that they needed to join the long line through security. “And maybe we’ll give you some more notice, too.”
She smiled, the corners of her eyes crinkling up. “Hey, what are sisters for? If you ever need anything I’ll be here. And of course for Riley, too.”
“When did you grow up?” he asked her. “Weren’t you fifteen the last time I saw you?”
Her grin widened. “I’m pretty sure in your imagination I’ll always be fifteen. Just like Riley will. But you know what? I grew up and she will too.” She raised her eyebrows. “And then who are you gonna swoop in and save?”
Strange how his thoughts turned to Ally. He deliberately steered them right back. “Myself?”
“It’s been a long time coming.” The grin was gone, replaced by a serious expression. “Eventually you’ll have to actually figure out what you want, instead of building your life around us.”
“That’s exactly what I want.” He released her and stepped back, taking another glance at the ever-growing security line. “Y
ou and Riley.” He shrugged. “My family. That’s all that matters.”
“And how about this blonde woman?”
“Ally?” Saying her name made the shame wash over him again. He remembered the messages he’d sent that morning, and the fact there was no read receipt for any of them. And the calls he made that were diverted right to voicemail. “I think I’ve burned my bridges there.”
Kirsten tipped her head to the side, scrutinizing him. “What do you mean?”
Nate glanced over at the news shop where Riley had run to buy some gum to take on the plane. Like him, his daughter was tired, and clearly edgy about going back to Angel Sands and facing the music. But she’d be okay. He’d make sure of it.
As for him, he had no idea.
“It doesn’t matter.” He didn’t want to think about it. He’d gotten hardly any sleep last night after the way he’d spoken to her. Okay, so he’d been completely wrung out from Riley’s disappearance, but that didn’t give him any right to take it out on Ally. He sighed, hating himself more than ever. Another thing he’d messed up in his life.
“I got a pack of gum for you, too,” Riley said, her breath heavy from running back from the news store. “In case you decide to drink coffee on the plane.” She wrinkled her nose. “Is there anything worse than coffee breath?”
“Nope.” Kirsten shook her head. “Come here, you.” She reached for her niece, enveloping her in the biggest hug. Nate stood back and watched them, his chest feeling tighter than ever as Kirsten dipped her head to whisper something in Riley’s ear.
“Okay,” Riley said softly. “I will.”
“You ready?” he asked his daughter.
“If I say no can we stay here forever?”
“Nope.” He liked the way she said ‘we’ though. It made the band around his chest loosen a little.
Giving his sister a wave, Nate put his arms around his daughter, and the two of them walked over to join the back of the security line.
It was only a little over twenty-four hours since he’d flown out here, and yet Angel Sands – and Ally – felt like a lifetime ago. There was part of him – that childlike part he’d left behind so long ago – that was as afraid to return as Riley was. Afraid of how he’d feel when he saw Ally again. Afraid he’d make a fool out of himself in front of her.
But he’d left his childlike self behind so many years ago. He was a man now, not a scared little boy. And if Riley could go back and face the music then he could, too.
Even if the thought of it made him feel sick.
Her apartment hadn’t gotten any less lonely since she’d left it this morning. Maybe that’s why Ally spent so long avoiding coming back. She’d whiled away half the day with Lorne, helping him out in the shop and talking to the customers. Later she’d joined Ember and Brooke in the diner – the three of them stuffing their faces with burgers and fries as her best friends did their best to cheer her up.
But none of that was enough to stave off the screaming silence of her home as soon as she’d returned to it. Glancing at her watch, she saw it was almost nine o’clock. Maybe she should call it a day and settle down to sleep.
Things would be better tomorrow. They couldn’t get any worse, could they?
She was about to turn out the living room light and head for her bedroom when she heard the rap at her door. It had to be a neighbor – she hadn’t buzzed anyone in. Taking a quick glance at herself in the mirror fixed on the entranceway wall she smoothed down her hair and grimaced at her wrinkled clothes. The jeans and t-shirt she was wearing had been freshly pressed that morning, but a day of working with Lorne and eating with the girls had taken its toll.
Sliding the chain into place – a woman living on her own could never be too careful – she peeped through the little round glass to see who was on the other side. She had to squeeze her other eye shut to focus, but when she did she almost jumped.
What was he doing here?
Her fingers shook as she unlatched the lock and slowly pulled at the handle. The man on the other side waited patiently, his eyes fixed on hers as she tugged the door ajar.
“Oh.” She stared at him for a moment. The dark hair splashed with grey, the tired look on his crumpled face, and the brightness in his eyes that never failed to make her heart feel warm, even though the rest of her was wary. “I didn’t know you were coming back.”
“I got the first flight out after I got your message.” Her dad shifted from one foot to the other. “You sounded upset.”
She nodded and pulled the door open wider. He lifted his arms to hug her, but thought better of it, pulling them back to his sides. She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or not. A bit of human contact would be good about now.
“Would you like a drink?” she asked him.
“Coffee would be good. It’s been a long trip.”
About eight hours or so, from what Ally knew. No wonder he looked exhausted.
She made them both a cup of coffee, adding a splash of cream the way her father always liked it and her dad carried them into the living room. When she was settled in the chair he handed her a mug then sat on the sofa opposite.
Her father closed his eyes as he swallowed a mouthful of coffee. “Damn that tastes good.” He put his mug down and looked up at her. “How are you doing?”
The weight of his question laid heavily on her. He’d always been her person, the one she could confide in. He’d known from the start how badly her mom’s death had affected her. He’d held her when she cried, cheered for her when she ran. He’d been her biggest fan and her strongest protector.
But not for the past few months.
“I’m not doing so good,” she admitted.
He took a deep breath, his warm eyes still on hers. “I’m so sorry to hear that.” He leaned forward to put his half-drunk mug on the table between them. “And I’m really sorry that I’m the one who caused it.”
She opened her mouth to tell him he wasn’t, but shut it. Because truthfully it was partly his fault. Not because he’d sold the café to Nate – although that was why the man had entered her life – but because he’d hurt her first, and that made her current pain even worse.
He slid his fingers together, wringing at them. “I’ve been a bad father. I know it.” He looked up at her through his lashes. “Lorne knows it, too, and hasn’t wasted any time telling me.”
“That’s the best thing about friends,” Ally said, thinking of Brooke and Ember. “They always tell you the truth.”
Her dad gave a little chuckle. “That’s no word of a lie.”
She sat up straighter. What was it she’d told herself that morning? She was strong in spite of her pain. Or maybe because of it – she’d been through worse and gotten through it. And she owed it to herself to tell the truth.
“You did hurt me,” she told him. “Not because you went away, but because every time I asked you for help you made things worse. Then you sold the place without even asking me how I felt. After all those years working there, keeping the café going. You made me feel like I was nothing to you.”
He shook his head. “Baby, I’m sorry. So damn sorry. I hate that I hurt you. There’s no excuse for my actions.”
“So why did you do it?”
“Sell?” he asked. She nodded. “Because I had no choice. It was either that or the bank was going to foreclose.”
Her breath caught in her throat. “I didn’t know that. I knew things were bad, but…”
“I should have flown home to tell you face to face. Like I’m telling you now. But I was a damn coward, I never could stand to see you cry. Knowing I was the one causing it…” he trailed off, shaking his head. “It killed me.”
“You could have come home then,” she told him. “After the call.”
“I wanted to, but I was still chicken shit.” He had the good grace to look embarrassed. “I kept trying to call you but you never answered. Then when I talked to Lorne he told me to give you some time. I was ready to take the first plane home
when I heard about your broken ankle, but Lorne said to stay where I was. That you were being taken care of.”
Her thoughts immediately turned to Nate. To the way he’d helped her for those few weeks. To his warm skin and soft words.
The pain was visceral.
“When I heard your message this morning I could tell from the sound of your voice that something was wrong.” He half-smiled. “It was time for me to stop being so damn weak and face what I’d done. And I know it may be too late. That you might not ever forgive me. But I’m asking you to anyway, because I love you, sweetheart.”
The way he said it made her heart swell up. She’d never seen her father so vulnerable before. It was as though they’d swapped roles and suddenly she was the strong one.
For some reason that felt good.
“I’m so sorry you got hurt,” he told her, looking down at the cast on her leg. “And I’m even more sorry I wasn’t here to help you.” He pressed his lips together in sympathy. “You’ve had a hard few weeks.”
For the first time Ally laughed. It wasn’t loud, but it was something. “You could say that.”
He shook his head. “I’ve failed you too many times. I keep letting you down and it kills me.”
“When have you failed me?” she asked. “Before now I mean?”
“When your mom and I split up. I’ll never forget your face when we told you.” His voice wobbled. “You were so tiny and so sad, and it was all my fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault. I just didn’t understand that yet.”
“Then your mom died. You kept looking at me as though I could make everything better. And when I couldn’t you used to get so upset. It killed me to see you that way. If I could have given you a better dad I would have.”
“I didn’t want a better dad,” she said, her voice rough. “I never did. I only ever wanted you.”