by Lizzie Shane
Rachel had a moment to worry that the sweater was some kind of couple thing, before she noticed that everyone was wearing the same horrendous reindeer sweater—which made it that much harder to tell everyone apart and figure out exactly how many children were racing around excitedly.
“Come on. I’ll introduce you to everyone.” Cam put his hand on the small of her back, ushering her into the room as his parents greeted her mother and Yaya, introducing them around. She tried not to fixate on that hand on her back—even when every member of his family was definitely noticing it.
Rachel gave up on remembering names almost immediately, focusing on learning who belonged to whom instead. Carly’s husband Eddie—the only name she got before the sheer number of them overwhelmed her—had thinning blond hair, a beer gut, and a loud laugh that seemed to echo in the room. Shelby’s husband was a tall man with midnight skin, a soft accent and dry sense of humor, largely silent until he lobbed a sarcastic remark into the fray, while Ashley’s husband filled any silence with his energy. He was barely taller than his wife—and a full head shorter than Rachel—but still seemed to be everywhere, a slim, Korean whirling dervish weaving in and out between children. And there were a lot of children.
But what struck Rachel most about the entire scene was how they played off one another. These people knew one another. As everyone got ready to head outside, they laughed together, they teased one another, and they all moved automatically to help the little one who lost a glove or defuse growing arguments between the kids about who knew the most carols. It was a family. A big, noisy, overwhelming family.
And they’d welcomed her easily into the fold. Though she didn’t feel easy. The panic-rabbits were frantic in her brain.
Cam had sent over sweaters for Yaya and her mother as well, so at least they looked like they belonged as they were surrounded by Cam’s family. Apparently a new sweater, worse each year than the last, was a crucial part of the tradition.
“The matching sweaters will be the only harmonious thing about us,” one of Cam’s brothers-in-law joked.
He wasn’t wrong, she learned as soon as everyone had piled on coats and ventured out into the evening to serenade the neighbors. Theirs was the kind of caroling that got by on gusto rather than talent—but if the laughter was nearly as loud as the singing, no one seemed to mind.
Sofie was delighted by all her cousins, chasing after them on her chubby little toddler legs, looking like a pink marshmallow in her snowsuit. The older ones were obviously used to little kids, stopping to help her and making sure she wasn’t left out. Rachel watched her like a hawk, but Sofie wasn’t the one having a hard time adjusting to this new normal.
Andie was laughing with Cam’s sisters, Yaya was teaching some of the older kids the Greek words to Silent Night. It was only Rachel who couldn’t seem to relax. Especially when Cam returned to her side.
She didn’t know how to behave, didn’t know who she was supposed to be. She and Cam weren’t really together, but his family seemed to have absorbed hers into it as if they were—and it felt like they were all watching her, some curious, some cautious.
“You okay?” Cam asked as they wandered en masse to the third house they would be serenading. “You’ve been awfully quiet.”
“Trust me, you don’t want me singing any louder than this.”
He smiled, but his eyes were serious. “I didn’t mean the singing. I’m sorry if this is overwhelming. I know we can be a lot.”
“No, your family’s great.”
“But?”
But I don’t know where I fit in. I don’t know what we are to each other right now, or what I want us to be and even if I did know you’re leaving in a few months to go back to LA.
But she couldn’t say any of that. The panic-bunnies in her mind scrambled frantically for an answer.
A snowball flew through the air, smacking Cam in the chest and, thankfully, distracting him. He spun toward the culprit, roaring and charging toward his nieces and nephews, who screamed and scattered. Rachel watched him scoop Sofie up, tucking her against his chest as he ran, and her own chest got tight.
“He’s so happy you’re here.”
Rachel turned toward the voice, Cam’s mother appearing at her side. “It was nice of you all to include us.”
“You’re family now,” she said simply. “And I think you’re going to be good for him.”
Was his ex good for him? It was the kind of thing she’d wanted to ask ever since she’d learned he was married. The divorce hadn’t been his call. Was he really over her? But Rachel was scared of how much it would reveal about how she was feeling about Cam if she asked.
Cam handed Sofie off to Carly and tumbled to the ground beneath a pile of kids, groaning dramatically. His mother smiled, watching him. “Try not to hurt him,” she requested softly, her eyes still on her son. “I know he seems like a tough guy and he’s always trying to prove to everyone that he’s okay, but he’s a softie underneath. He takes things to heart—he always has. So be careful with him, okay? You can hurt him more than you know.”
One of her grandchildren flung himself against her legs and she bent down, laughing, allowing herself to be pulled away into the fray, leaving Rachel alone with the echoes of her words. She seemed to think Rachel had all the power. That Cam was the one in danger of getting hurt.
She hadn’t thought about his vulnerability. Only her own. She’d been pushing him away. Keeping him at a distance.
Her mother’s laughter rang across the lawn and Rachel looked over to see her dodging snowballs. Yaya and Sofie and her mother all seemed to have integrated so easily into Cam’s family, but Rachel had been holding herself back all night. All week for that matter. Keeping a piece of herself safely removed from him. Scared to play his game.
She was a worrier. She borrowed trouble from the future and couldn’t seem to let go of the baggage of the past, but she wanted to be more like her mother. She wanted to be able to make the best. She wanted to be able to enjoy this—even if this life and this family hadn’t been part of her original plan.
But how did she do that?
Rachel crouched down, scooping up a handful of snow and calmly packing it into a ball. The snowball fight had swelled to include most of the family, but no one had noticed her on the fringes. She wound up, took aim, and threw her snowball as hard as she could.
It bounced off Cam’s shoulder with an unimpressive puff.
But the pathetic impact had Cam turning to track down the source. When he spotted her, a slow, wicked grin spread across his face. “Oh, you are gonna regret that.”
Rachel squeaked and turned to run, realizing too late that she’d just instigated a snowball fight with a man who threw snowball-shaped things for a freaking living. She wove a zig-zagging route through his family, trying to avoid giving him a clear shot, but a quick glance back showed he’d given chase—and was gaining ground.
Note to self: don’t provoke the professional athlete.
The snowball fight had spread, working its way back to Carly’s house with some of the neighbors coming out to join the fray.
“Not near the cars!” Carly shouted to one of the kids—and Rachel saw her chance. If she could just make it to the driveway, Cam wouldn’t risk missing her and hitting one of the fancy SUVs, not right after Carly had warned the kids away from them.
She took off in a sprint across the lawn, her boots sinking into the snow—
And something hard smacked into her from behind, lifting her off her feet. She squealed as she twisted in the air, Cam’s arms firm around her as they tumbled into a snowbank. He took the brunt of the impact and she landed half on top of him, laughing and out-of-breath from running.
Snow puffed up into the air around them and his grey eyes glinted. His face was so close they were breathing one another’s air—and suddenly she was breathless for a whole new reason.
“Cam…”
“Have I ever mentioned how
gorgeous you are when you’re covered in snow?” The extra rasp in his voice sent shivers streaking along her skin that had nothing to do with the cold. His gaze dropped to her lips.
“Cocoa time!”
Rachel jerked and shoved away from Cam at the shout from his mother. Scrambling to her feet, she glanced around to see if anyone else had noticed their moment in the snow. No one seemed to be watching, but she saw more than one hidden smile as the family trickled back toward the house.
“Come on, you two,” Cam’s mother called, smiling. “You can’t miss cocoa. It’s tradition.”
“I swear my mother adds more ‘long-standing’ family traditions every year.” Cam’s gravelly voice was too close to her ear and Rachel sidled away. She’d wanted to move forward with Cam as co-parents, but she hadn’t meant this. She needed to keep her distance and keep her head.
She spotted Sofie in Carly’s arms and was reminded why she was really here. For the baby. “You’re lucky,” she said to Cam.
“I know.” He smiled, his eyes warm, and Rachel couldn’t hold his gaze, heat rising to her face.
Distance. She needed distance.
Chapter Sixteen
He should have kissed her when he had the chance.
Cam watched Rachel from across his sister’s kitchen—which seemed to be as close as she was willing to get to him. Every time he edged closer, she circled the other direction.
All night he’d been trying not to pressure her, trying not to rush her, but when he’d had her in his arms in the snow it had hit him like a freight train. This was what he wanted. Not just Sofie as part of his family. Not just Rachel involved by extension as her mother. He wanted her as his. He wanted to be allowed to hold her. He wanted it all.
And she was just as relationship-shy as she’d ever been.
She might not have let him within ten feet of her if Sofie hadn’t chosen that moment to burst into noisy tears. Cam was at the baby’s side in an instant. She’d been at the kids table with the cousins, but now sat on the floor, a siren-wail of misery rising out of her mouth.
“What happened?” he demanded of the other kids, gathering Sofie into his arms as she continued to sob. “Did she fall?”
“She wanted Ava’s cookie,” his oldest niece reported. Cam frowned, trying to connect the dots from wanting a cookie to on-the-floor-in-agony.
“That’s a tired cry,” Carly said with utmost Mom Authority as Rachel reached his side.
“Sorry about this,” Rachel murmured, reaching for the baby, her face flushed with embarrassment. Sofie resisted, clinging to Cam like a bur. “It’s almost her bedtime and there’s been so much excitement.”
“We all get it,” Carly assured her—though Cam was still trying to mentally adjust from panic-that-Sofie-was-hurt to Sofie’s-just-pitching-a-fit. “Do you want to put her down in the guest room?”
Sofie’s hiccupping sobs crescendoed. Cam bounced her, murmuring soothing nonsense, and Rachel cringed. “It might be best if we just go.” With one hand on Sofie’s back, she glanced toward her mother and grandmother, clearly reluctant to drag them away when they were having a good time.
“I’ll drive you,” Cam offered. “That way your mother and Yaya can stay as long as they like.”
“No, really, it’s fine—” Rachel said, at the same moment her mother—who had apparently been listening in—exclaimed, “Oh, would you? That’s so sweet.”
Rachel shot her mother a death glare, but Cam sidled between them before she could argue. “It’s no trouble. I want to.” He wanted to spend more time with Sofie and Rachel—but he also wanted to show her that he was in this. That he wanted to be fifty percent responsible for all of it—even the toddler tantrums. “Not just the Fun Dad, remember?”
Reluctance was visible in every line of Rachel’s body, but Sofie chose that moment to go into another siren wail and Rachel caved. “Thank you. I’ll just say my goodbyes.”
Cam was already moving. “I’ll meet you out front.”
“Take my car.” Carly followed him out of the kitchen, pressing her keys into his hand. “It has a car seat.”
A car seat. Right. He was going to need to get one of those for the Range Rover.
“And don’t put her in her snowsuit,” Carly told him. “Poofy winter coats interfere with the car seat straps—just put her under your coat to keep her warm until you get her buckled in.”
“Right,” Cam mumbled, realizing again how unprepared he was for this.
“Good luck,” Carly called, the phrase loaded with meaning he couldn’t unravel with Sofie wailing in his ear.
The screaming ‘no’ chorus kicked into gear the second he stepped into the foyer. Putting on a coat while holding a flailing child wasn’t a skill he’d ever suspected he was going to need, but he was becoming an expert tonight. He wrapped his coat around Sofie as Carly had told him, holding it closed around the baby as Rachel joined them.
They stepped out into the snow—and he saw the flaw in their plan. Carly was blocked in.
“Let’s take your car,” he suggested. “Mine doesn’t have a car seat yet and Carly’s is blocked in. I’ll leave my keys for your mom and Yaya.”
“But then how will you get home?”
“I’ll get an Uber home and come pick it up tomorrow. I’ll trade the keys while you load her in—” But when he tried to hand Sofie to her mother, she screeched and clung to Cam.
“She probably doesn’t even remember what she’s upset about,” Rachel said.
“Okay, new plan. You exchange keys. I’ll load her in.”
Rachel nodded, jogging back into the house—and he experienced a tiny, momentary thrill that they were working together, like a real team. Until Sofie screamed again. He’d only managed to get half of Sofie’s resisting arms and legs into the car seat straps by the time Rachel returned and took over. She slapped the keys into his palm. “Warm up the car,” she demanded, yanking at the car seat straps with expert movements.
Cam was nothing if not good at following directions. He had the engine running and his seat adjusted by the time Rachel closed the door. She leapt into the passenger seat and he pulled out as she was buckling her seatbelt.
* * * * *
Rachel cringed as Cam took the corner out of the neighborhood and Sofie kicked into another round of wails, the sound gouging at her heart like it always did. She knew Sofie was just exhausted and fighting it, but those cries just killed her. You’d think she’d be used to it by now, but it never seemed to magically get easier.
It was a testament to how distracted she was that it wasn’t until they were five minutes down the road and the baby finally quieted that Rachel realized Cam didn’t need to be there. If he was only driving her to take an Uber back…
“I could have driven myself.” She didn’t need to be spending any more time alone with Cam, feeling any closer to him.
Cam barely glanced her way, his attention on the road. “I wanted to do it. Seemed like you could use a hand and she’s my kid too. I’m fifty percent responsible for those impressive lungs.”
Said lungs were now breathing quietly as Sofie slept in the backseat and Rachel stared out the passenger window, trying to figure out why it felt so different when Cam helped as opposed to when Yaya or her mother stepped in. She knew they didn’t mind, she’d heard them say it a thousand times, but she always felt like she had to apologize. But this time, with Cam…it had felt like he belonged here. Like they were in it together, like she didn’t have to feel bad that he was taking some of the burden off her shoulders. And that was a dangerous thing to be thinking. Especially when she had no idea if he planned to stay.
“I’m sorry we had to leave so early,” she said, focusing on the present instead of the uncertain future. “Thank you for inviting us tonight. I want Sofie to have those kinds of connections. A big family. You’re lucky to have them.”
“They are pretty great. Doesn’t mean they aren’t also obnoxious.
Shelby especially seems to get into the most ridiculous feuds with people. But we still love each other like crazy.”
“I always wished for a big family. When I was little,” Rachel admitted. “I don’t think it occurred to me how loud it would be.”
He laughed, silencing the sound abruptly with a hasty glance in the mirror to see if he’d disturbed Sofie, but the baby slept on. “We certainly don’t lack for volume.” He kept his eyes on the road ahead, asking oh-so-casually, “So you want a bunch more kids?”
“I…” Rachel’s mouth went dry. In theory, she’d wanted a big family—lots of kids, lots of noise. In practice, she’d figured Sofie would be her one and only. It took two to make siblings, and she hadn’t planned on letting another man into her life any time soon. And she didn’t have the financial resources to have more kids on her own. But she couldn’t say any of that to Cam. The words twisted around in her brain, tangling before they got to her tongue.
“I always wanted a bunch of kids,” he commented, taking mercy on her after the awkward silence. “Well, not always. I didn’t really start thinking about it until my sisters and teammates starting having them and I realized I wanted that too.” He grimaced. “Slow study.”
“Did you and your wife ever…?”
“Erika didn’t want kids. And I wasn’t always very good at listening to her when she tried to tell me that. It took her leaving to really drive it home.”
“So she left you?” He’d said that before, but she hadn’t really processed it. It was hard to fit the puzzle pieces of the truth into the picture she’d built out of her assumptions.
“Same day she got diagnosed. At the time it felt like the worst failure, but now I see it was for the best. She’s even sort of indirectly the reason I found you again.”
Rachel shook her head. “What do you mean?”
“Russell House. She’s the reason I got involved with them. They were amazing throughout her treatment. Any way I can support them, I will.”
Rachel tried not to fixate on the warmth in his voice when he talked about the charity. When he talked about his ex. Did he still have feelings for her? That soft fondness wasn’t the sound of someone who was over her.