The Letter Z

by Marie Sexton

  “Depends on what it is,” I say.

  Those spots of color are even brighter, but I can tell he’s not backin’ out now. He pulls somethin’ out of his pocket and offers it to me, lookin’ scared but hopeful at the same time. I look down at what’s in his hand, and I laugh.

  It’s eyeliner.

  “Is that all?” I ask, and I see both relief and excitement in his eyes.

  “I bought the hair gel too,” he says, smilin’ at me.

  “You really thought this through, didn’t you?”

  He pushes me back against the wall. His lips are against my neck, and his groin pushes into me. His voice is low and breathless. “I want to go back to the club.”

  “You do?” I ask, surprised.

  “I want to watch you dance. I want to watch all of those men try to make you theirs. And then,” he says, pushing against me even harder, and there’s no doubt how turned on he is just thinkin’ ’bout it, “I want to bring you back here and prove to myself that you’re mine.”

  “You’re actually a tiny bit kinky, aren’t you Zach?”

  He’s still rubbin’ against me, his hands wanderin’. His lips against my neck are becoming more insistent. “You can say no,” he says.

  I know I can. And that’s why I don’t.

  It’s been a lotta years since I did this, but it’s not like I don’t know how. I slick my hair back on the sides, but spike it up on top. Black all around my eyes, and smeared over my lids. Have to admit, I’m glad I don’t have to face Matt like this. He’d never stop laughin’. But for Zach,

  I’ll do it. When I come out of the bathroom, Zach’s eyes get huge. I can tell he likes it.

  “As good as Ziggy Stardust?” I ask him, smilin’.

  “Better,” he says, and I laugh.

  At least in Vegas, hardly anybody looks twice at a guy wearin’ makeup. We walk out of the hotel and catch a cab to the club. Zach finds a stool near the dance floor. I go up to the bar and order two shots of tequila.

  The bartender gives me a wary look as he puts them on the bar. “No trouble tonight,” he says.

  “No trouble,” I say, and slam both shots. “I need a glass of wine too.

  You have any Spanish reds?”

  He looks at me like I’m an idiot. Guess maybe I am. “Yeah right, buddy.”

  It was worth a try. “Whatever red you got.”

  I take the glass back to Zach, and the look he gives me when I hand it to him is worth lookin’ like an ass in front of the bartender. He kisses me once, deep and slow, and then whispers in my ear, “No sex.”

  “I know.”

  He smiles at me. “Have fun.”

  When we were here before, I didn’t have time to find good partners—guys who are there for the same thing: not necessarily to get laid right away, but just to get turned on. Tonight I find them: the tattooed guy from before, and two others. The four of us trade off a lot.

  I find out that dancin’ for Zach is different than dancin’ for myself.

  It’s better. I love knowin’ his eyes are on me. It’s the best aphrodisiac in the world.

  I never let them kiss me, but one guy sucks my neck hard enough, I know I’m gonna have a mark. I slide my hand down his pants. I wrap my hand around his shaft and rub my thumb over the wet spot on his tip, ’til he says in a hoarse, teasing voice, “You better stop if you don’t want a mess on your hands.” I laugh, and we switch partners again.

  I keep one eye on Zach. He’s cute as hell, and to anybody watchin’, he looks like he’s alone. Several guys talk to him. One buys him a drink.

  He flirts a little, but he’s always watchin’ me. He never lets any of them get too close. There’s one I can tell he likes. He flirts with him more than any of the others. He even lets the guy put his hand on the small of his back. The guy leans close and whispers somethin’ in Zach’s ear. Zach smiles, but then he says somethin’ to the guy, and points my way. I don’t miss the look the guy gives him then—disappointed, but a little bit impressed too—and Zach just beams at him.

  I end up with the tattooed guy a lot. We go up to the bar to get a drink together once. “You here with that guy?” he asks, pointin’ over at Zach.

  “Yeah. Why?”

  “Just curious.”

  “How ’bout you?” I ask.

  “The one who left that mark on your neck,” he says, smilin’. “We’ve been together five years.”

  I can’t help but smile back. “That’s great, man.”

  He follows me back to the dance floor and wraps his arms ’round me from behind. He rubs his hand between my legs, then slides it into my pocket. He slowly strokes me as he grinds into me. I put one of my hands behind me and squeeze the bulge in his pants. I close my eyes, put my head back on his shoulder, and get lost in the sensation of it all. I think ’bout the guy I’m dancin’ with, and his partner, whose suckin’ on somebody else’s neck right now. I think ’bout what they’ll be doin’ together when they get home tonight. I think ’bout Zach, and how excited I know he’s gettin’. I don’t know how long we dance like that, just grindin’ and strokin’ each other, but then suddenly he says in my ear,

  “Your boyfriend wants you.”

  I look at Zach, and he nods his head toward the back of the club, where the bathrooms are.

  “You coming back?” Tattoo shouts at me as I start to walk away.

  “No idea,” I yell back, and then go to meet Zach on the edge of the dance floor.

  I can tell just by lookin’ at him how turned on he is. Not just by the bulge in his pants, either. It’s all in his eyes. He wraps his arms ’round me, pulls me tight against him. His voice in my ear is breathless. “I can’t believe how much I want you right now.”

  “You wanna go back to the hotel?” I ask.

  But to my surprise, he shakes his head. “No.”

  He turns me ’round and pushes me toward the bathroom. I go. By the time we get there, he’s right behind me. He has one arm ’round my waist, and I can feel his erection pushing into the small of my back. There’s a line of guys at the urinal, and one stall. It’s occupied, and it’s pretty obvious based on the sounds we hear that there’s more than one guy in there. There’s another couple ahead of us waitin’ their turn. They’re makin’ out against the wall.

  Zach’s voice is ragged and desperate in my ear. “If you have a problem with this, Ang, I need you to tell me right now.”

  My heart’s racin’, but it’s more from nerves than from arousal. Zach and I have had sex ’bout every way you can think of—sometimes it’s gentle, and sometimes it’s rough. But always, it’s him thinkin’ ’bout what I want. Always, his first thought is pleasin’ me. This is the first time ever he’s thinkin’ ’bout himself first. I can’t exactly say I’m turned on, but there’s no way I’m tellin’ him no. “I got no problems,” I say.

  He pulls his wallet out and says to the guys ahead of us, “I’ll give you fifty bucks to let us go first.”

  They look at each other, and they both shrug. “Knock yourself out,” one of ’em says as he takes Zach’s money. Then they go back to makin’ out.

  Zach’s grindin’ against my back, bitin’ my neck, one hand between my legs, and I’m hopin’ like hell that stall opens up soon, or every guy here might get to watch me get him off. It feels like an eternity, but it’s probably only a minute or two before it’s our turn.

  Zach shoves me in ahead of him. I assume he wants a blowjob, so as he’s lockin’ the door, I undo his pants and get ’em out of the way. But then he grabs me hard and turns me around. He puts his hand on the back of my neck and bends me over, pushin’ me down so my forehead’s against the top of the toilet tank, the top of my head against the wall. He’s unbuttoning my pants, pushin’ them down, and I’m tryin’ to tell myself this is fine. I close my eyes, and make myself breathe deep while he fumbles around. My hearts racin’ faster than ever. I feel him pushin’ against me. I have a moment—just a flash—of sheer primal fear. One horrifying heartb
eat of near panic when I think he’s gonna do it dry. I almost start to fight him, based on instinct alone. But then the head of his cock pushes easily past my rim, and I realize he thought this out more than I knew. He must have had a tube in his pocket. I take a deep breath and make myself relax.

  He moans as he pushes into me. He goes slow, sliding all the way in, then stops. For just a second, he stays there, deep inside of me, but not movin’. I start to think maybe he’s changed his mind. He pulls out once, almost all the way, and slides back into me a little faster than before. And then, like somebody flipped a switch, he just lets go. He lets his needs take over, in a way I’ve never seen him do before. He starts poundin’ into me fast and hard. He’s still holdin’ me down with one hand. My head is slammin’ into the wall, and my hands are searchin’ for somethin’ to grab on to—anything to give me a little leverage. In the end, I just brace myself against the wall itself and hang on.

  I don’t quite get off on it, but it’s not unpleasant. Zach’s bein’ rough, but it’s nothin’ I can’t handle. Nobody else in the world I would do this for, and he knows it too. I think that’s why he wants it so much.

  I know it won’t take him long. I arch my back, push back against him, and get a low moan in response. He grabs my hair and turns my head sideways, so my cheek’s against the tank. So he can see part of my face, and that thick black liner around my eyes. And then he comes like he’s never come before—not with me, at any rate—and everybody in that bathroom’s gotta know it too.

  There’s laughter from the two guys waitin’ for their turn in the stall, and one of them says, “I guess it was worth fifty bucks.”

  Zach leans down ’gainst my back. He’s still breathin’ hard. He kisses my cheek and says quietly in my ear, “I sure hope you’re okay with what I just did.”

  I don’t even have to think ’bout it. “Am I really your north?” I ask him.

  “You are my everything.”

  “Guess that means I’m your Ziggy Stardust sometimes too.”

  Matt…

  AS USUAL, Angelo and I were awake before Jared and Zach. I called him, and we met at the elevator.

  “What the hell happened to your neck?” I asked him when he showed up, because there was no missing the huge hickey he had.

  He looked at me sideways, a slight blush creeping up his cheeks.

  “Burned it on my curlin’ iron,” he said as he hit the button to call the elevator.

  I laughed. “I take it you guys made up?”

  And to my surprise, he blushed even more. “We’re good,” he said.

  He wasn’t looking at me, but it wasn’t his usual flippant tone, either. His voice was quiet and a little bit hesitant. He was being as genuine with me as he knew how to be. “Even better than before, I think.”

  He glanced my way for just a second, then looked away, like he was expecting me to laugh. I made sure I didn’t. “I’m glad.”

  We grabbed some coffee and took the tram to Paris, where we wandered around aimlessly for a while, then down to New York, New York. We were headed back north again when Jared called to say that he and Zach were finally up, and I told him to meet us in front of the Bellagio.

  “Wish we could see the fountain again,” Angelo said as we stared out at the lake, waiting for Zach and Jared. It wouldn’t start running again until three, and we had planned to leave by noon.

  “Maybe we should leave late,” I said. It was something I had been thinking about already. “We could leave around five. We’d have to drive through the night, but between the four of us, it wouldn’t be so bad. Jared and I are both off tomorrow, and it would still give you and Zach a few hours before you had to open the store.”

  He smiled over at me. “Already thought of that, but didn’t wanna be the one to say it. You guys’ve laughed at me enough this trip already.”

  Zach and Jared showed up then. Zach stood behind Ang like he always did, with one arm around his neck, and Angelo leaned back against him. Zach whispered something in his ear, and Angelo smiled. They looked as happy together as I had ever seen them.

  “Jesus Zach,” Jared suddenly said. “What the hell did you do to his neck?”

  Angelo blushed again, and Zach said jokingly, “What makes you think I did it?”

  I laughed, but Jared didn’t. I looked over at him, and what I saw surprised me. He was glaring at Angelo, looking more pissed off than I had seen him in a long time.

  “Then who did?”

  Zach and Angelo both turned to look at Jared. Angelo looked wary.

  His normal cocky attitude was nowhere to be seen. But Zach looked indignant. I was trying to catch up. It had never occurred to me that anybody other than Zach would have left that mark on Angelo’s neck. I hadn’t taken Zach’s response seriously at all. But I could see now that I was wrong.

  “Let it go, Jared,” Zach said, and there was no mistaking the quiet threat in his voice.

  Jared ignored him. “You did it again, didn’t you?” he asked Angelo.

  “You wanted to get laid, and so you did.”

  “Stop!” Zach said. He had both arms wrapped around Angelo, and even though Angelo wasn’t fighting, I could tell Zach was braced for it.

  Jared didn’t listen.

  “All you think about is yourself, and what you want. You never think about Zach at all!”

  “Jared,” I said, trying to interrupt him. I put my hand on his shoulder, but he brushed me off and continued raging at Angelo as if I had never spoken.

  “You think just because Zach can’t tell you ‘no’, that makes it okay?

  You think you can do whatever you want to do, and fuck whoever you want to fuck, and Zach has to put up with it? Well, you’re wrong! It’s still a selfish thing to do, and one of these days he’s gonna wise up and leave you, and you’ll wonder why you’re completely alone again!”

  Angelo’s eyes were closed, but whether he was fighting back tears, or sheer blind fury, I didn’t know. I could tell that Jared’s words were hitting home in a way I never would have anticipated. But I was pretty sure that part of him was pissed, too, and if the pissed-off side of him ended up winning, things were going to get ugly. Jared was tough, but I was pretty sure he had no experience fighting, and as much as I hated to admit it, my money was on Angelo if things turned violent. I also knew that maybe Jared deserved a good punch in the face for what he was saying. But all logic aside, there was no way in the world I was letting asking for it.

  Zach was hanging on tight to Angelo. His head was down, and he was whispering into Angelo’s ear. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but I could tell that Angelo was listening. After a second, Angelo nodded.

  Zach loosened his grip around him. Ang stayed there for just a moment, then he pushed free. I started to step in front of Jared, to keep Angelo away from him, but I didn’t need to. Angelo didn’t even look at him. He just put his head down and walked away.

  Now I really didn’t know what to do—follow Angelo, or stay with Zach and Jared. Zach solved it for me by saying to me in no uncertain terms, “Don’t.” Then he turned on Jared, and the look in his eyes actually made Jared back up a step. “I don’t know what makes you think you have a right to judge us, but I’m telling you right now, Jared, it better stop.”

  “I’m not judging you,” Jared said defensively.

  “Right. Because apparently in your mind, I’m nothing more than a doormat for Angelo to wipe his feet on. You’ll excuse me if I’m not exactly flattered by that estimation.” Jared hung his head at that, but it didn’t slow Zach down at all. “Do you have any idea what’s been going on in his head this week? I’m pretty sure you don’t, and I’m sure as hell not going to tell you. But I will tell you this: you’re wrong, about everything! ”

  He took a step closer to Jared. “And as for last night—you’re wrong about that too. If you had any idea what actually happened, any idea what it cost him—” He stopped short and closed his eyes for a second. He was obviously trying to get his
temper back under control. I had never seen him so angry. I had never even imagined Zach could get so angry. He opened his eyes again and took one more step toward Jared so they were only inches apart. “What you think of him is your own business, but I’m telling you right now, you better not ever say anything like that to him again, Jared. If you can’t learn to mind your own business, the least you can do is keep your goddamn mouth shut!”

  Jared had his head down, and his cheeks were red. He knew he had screwed up. He didn’t necessarily know how to go about fixing it yet, but he knew he was the one at fault. Zach stood there for a minute, looking at him, waiting to see if he was going to argue back.

  “I’m sorry,” Jared said.

  “Not good enough,” Zach said. And then he left too.

  We were both silent after he left. Jared wasn’t looking at me. I leaned against the stone railing and stared out at the silent lake of the Bellagio, waiting for him to start talking.

  “I did it again, didn’t I?” he finally asked.

  “If you mean you opened your mouth and started spouting off before you had all the facts, then yeah, I’d say you did it again.”

  He looked over at me, his eyes wary. “Do you know what happened last night?”

  “No. I have no idea. Angelo and I don’t talk about that kind of thing.

  The difference is I can accept that how he and Zach get off is none of my business. And you, for some reason which I absolutely cannot comprehend, cannot.” He turned his back on me, but not before I saw the flash of anger in his eyes. “Tell me what happened,” I said.

  “Well Matt,” he said sarcastically, “I think we’ve just established that I don’t know what happ—”

  “Stop!” I hadn’t been angry before, but I was now. I didn’t yell. I kept my tone low, my speech slow and measure. “I am not talking about last night, and you know it.” He slumped a little at that. “I am talking about New Years. Something happened that night, and you and Angelo have been at odds ever since. I know you’ve told me it was ‘nothing’, but that obviously is not true. So I’m asking you again now, Jared, and I would appreciate an answer: what happened?”