Stranger and Stranger

by Rob Reger

  It mostly came into my mind in emotions and images, like this: EvilOne’s anger at not knowing about Great-Aunt Millie. EvilOne coming up to the attic, leading Raven, who was carrying the barrel of broken glass. EvilOne trapping Great-Aunt Millie in a net made of…rage, I think, and burying her in the barrel. Then more raging outside the barrel. And Great-Aunt Millie getting weaker and weaker inside.

  I was getting kind of enraged myself at all of this and just hating, hating, hating EvilOne—for her evil, and for making me feel helpless to stop her, and for being so alien and incomprehensible. Why can’t she just be the OtherMe I thought she was—someone I can understand and agree with perfectly, all the time? But Great-Aunt Millie seemed to be telling me I was wrong about EvilOne, that we are the SAME. So I tried to show her all our differences, all the memories and skills and qualities we didn’t share. But Great-Aunt Millie seemed to be saying that I was looking at it all wrong. And then this image popped into my head, a blurry, cross-eyed image of me and EvilOne that kept sort of trying to pull together, but never succeeded.

  It started to give me a headache, and then it faded away.

  Super frustrated, I asked Great-Aunt Millie out loud what I was supposed to do.

  And she seemed to be telling me that if I really wanted to solve my problems with EvilOne, all we needed to do was Hug and Learn.

  SIGH.

  So much for that lead.

  After that, Great-Aunt Millie didn’t try to talk, just looked at me, so real, full of physics and energy touching my brain.

  I put her in a shoe box and hid her in the basement. Will do some reading on ways to rehabilitate poltergeists and see what I can do for her.

  And I don’t care if we are the same—EvilOne will paaaaayyyy!

  Later

  Have just finished a difficult conversation with Mom. I found her in the living room with Mystery curled up on her lap. It was the first time I’ve EVER seen Mystery on someone else’s lap. Ohhhhhhhh how it hurt.

  ME: [Head high. Holding tight to my dignity.] Hey, Patti, time for some straight talk.

  MOM: [Putting Mystery down, sort of sheepishly.] What’s up, E?

  ME: Just wanted you to know what the other Emily has been doing lately. She tried to destroy Raven, she’s tried to kill me a few times, and I just found Great-Aunt Millie buried in a barrel of broken glass. She seems to be spending a lot of time outside the house, and I have no idea what she’s up to. So…if you happen to have a small knife or other weapon you could conceal on your person from now on, I’d recommend it.

  M: Oh, is THAT why you’ve been sleeping in my closet?

  ME: Yes! Are you even listening to me? We’re all in danger here! You could be next!

  M: Sure, sure, I’m listening. You’re going through a tough patch right now. I remember when I was young, my sister and I fought all the time.

  ME: Oh my gobfarks. We are NOT sisters.

  M: Well…no, you’re not sisters per se, but you’re both my daughters, and I’m sorry to see that you’re having all this conflict.

  ME: [Ugly suspicions dawning.] Uh, Patti, are you saying that…you…LOVE…the other Emily?

  M: Well of course, I love both of you.

  ME: AIIEEIIEIIEEEE!!!!!!!

  M: Hey, come on, remember what we promised the neighbors about screaming?

  Cannot BELIEVE this!!!! I don’t see how she can love that evil thing! I mean, this is a girl who watches with pleasure while the cats torment small creatures in the yard. I/We didn’t used to be like that. A month ago, I would have rescued the mouse/snake/ cockroach, doctored its wounds (or reanimated it as some kind of unholy golem, if I’d been too late), and released it into the wild. And scolded the cats. Now their torture sessions drag on and end tragically while EvilOne stands by, totally absorbed in the cruel spectacle. And I’ve read enough stories of true crime to know the signs of a future serial killer when I see them.

  OK. Well, serial killer or not, she’s a vile creature without merit and I can’t believe Mom loves her!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Although. OK. To be totally honest, I have been feeling more and more like I am a sappy spineless creature without merit. And Mom said she loves me too.

  Although to be TOTALLY honest I really don’t think she sounded as sincere about the whole loving either of us thing as she used to before we got duplicated.

  Later

  Have done some research and filled Great-Aunt Millie’s shoe box with almond blossoms, ectoplasmic white goo, red feathers, and a bar of Ivory soap.

  Am exhausted by hard daytime labor and emotional night. Going to bed. In the sewer.

  June 26

  sunblock units, 123; useful bits of advice gathered, 11

  If I may add one more terrible thing about my punishment at Venus Fang Fang’s house, it’s that it takes place during daylight hours. Am sleep-deprived and sick to death of the sun.

  However, on the plus side, I have cunningly directed the topic of Venus Fang Fang’s unrelenting monologue toward defeating one’s enema enemy. If she is surprised to hear me asking lots of questions after yesterday’s four sentences, she is not letting on. Have not told her why I want to know, specifically. And, MAN, she knows a lot. For example, she very casually told me a little-known refinement on recruiting false-flag agents, how to break a common sleeper hold with both hands tied, and some of the finer points of coercion, extortion, and blackmail.

  It’s sounding like she may actually, in her youth, back in the day, have been involved in the training of spies, or something like that. Hence the incredible obstacle course in her backyard. Am pondering how I could possibly sign myself up for some kind of spy training with her. Well, one more day of painting to go, so I’d better come up with an idea pronto.

  Later

  Saw a fairly disturbing spectacle on my way home: a bunch of teens all wearing black, walking single file down the street. There was something very…I don’t know, just OFF about them, so I snuck around in front of them and hid so I could watch them closely as they passed. Can safely say I do not think they have been cured. These were NOT your average mournful teens, mad at the world because they spent a little time in a mental hospital. For starters, they all seemed to have the same distinct body language, and were slinking along in this kind of defiant-aggressive-cocky-yet-zombie-like manner. Also, they’d all cut the sleeves off their shirts, making a sort of uniform effect. Ugh! I’ve seen teens suffer from the crushing need to be like their friends, but I’ve never seen it look so creepy!!

  Should really get that antidote made!!!!!

  Later—nighttime

  Ate dinner with Mom and EvilOne. We barely spoke. Tension was high. Afterward, I ran down to the basement without proper caution for booby traps and got a mouthful of spiderwebs as my reward. GUH! I will be spitting for the next week!! Tried to think of a foolproof barrier to keep EvilOne out for a bit while I checked on Great-Aunt Millie, but ended up just pushing a chair in front of the door.

  Anyway. All of the almond blossoms, ectoplasmic white goo, and red feathers are gone, and Great-Aunt Millie is looking slightly more energetic. Ivory soap is still there. It has a single bite mark on it. Am assuming it was not to Great-Aunt Millie’s tastes. Am removing it.

  Am reconsidering keeping Great-Aunt Millie down here in the basement, considering I don’t have the booby-trapping skills to keep her safe from EvilOne. I guess I will have to take her to the only truly secure place I know.

  Later

  Am in the sewer. Have informed Great-Aunt Millie that this will have to be her home until I can neutralize the danger of EvilMe.

  Brought better equipment with me this time, and quickly X-rayed all the west walls before Binary Larry showed up—right on time, ten minutes after me. Will develop the films at home…Assuming EvilOne is not around, that is.

  Later—back at home

  EvilOne was nowhere in sight, giving me plenty of time to review the X-rays. Frabbling jellyjars!!!! There is ANOTHER secret sewer behind the one I know ab
out. Binary Larry clearly intends to prevent me from finding it. But WHY? Must get some alone time down there so I can break through.

  June 27

  fence-painting projects completed, 0; senseis found, 1

  Venus Fang Fang surprised the cheeks off me today when I showed up. First, the fence has been completely painted!! She admits to hiring a handyman to finish my work!!!! And now she is asking me what I think about commuting the rest of my sentence to time in what she calls her “abstacle garden.” Have been cool about it. Curbed my enthusiasm and told her calmly that I would be OK with that. Am sitting outside waiting for her to change into her trainer’s gear. Contrary to appearances, am very excited.

  Before!

  FOREVER Later

  Am on break from dire torment in the abstacle garden. Venus Fang Fang began my training with a request that I “take off that sally cast” and not wear it again in her presence. Note to self: No use hiding anything from Venus Fang Fang. She is mistress of deception, and I am hardly at the top of my game. Also, she appears to think I have some kind of behavior problem that is in need of rough treatment. Today has been like one of those terrible tough-love rehab camps, without the love. She has been putting me through brutally hard paces in broad sunlight. Am wearing heavy protective gear.

  Clearly I should have been more careful about her early impression of me. Would be much further along with her if I’d cultivated more of a delicate flower persona. Would like to get a look at her personal library, for example. Have not been invited inside at all, and I suspect I have some dues to pay before that happens.

  Later

  HAVE FOUND BINARY LARRY’S SKULL BUTTON.

  IN THE MUD OF VENUS FANG FANG’S ABSTACLE GARDEN.

  Will have to interrogate him tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  After!

  Later

  Have been hanging out in the semi-secret sewer, painting halfheartedly on my mural while trying to plot my strategy with Binary Larry. This whole not-being-able-to-lie thing has put me at an unwelcome disadvantage. Will just have to see where instinct takes me.

  Later

  Have spoken with Binary Larry. Here’s how it went:

  BINARY LARRY: Sup, Emily, your mural is shaping up wicked!

  ME: Sup. Found your button.

  BL:…Whoa.

  ME: Whoa, indeed. It was in Venus Fang Fang’s abstacle, er, obstacle garden.

  BL: [Gulping, turning red, and feebly attempting lies.] Who?…Oh, her. Oh, uh, you know her?

  ME: [Experimentally.] You know I do.

  BL: No…what…I…how…

  ME: You should ask her for some lessons in deception, dude. You’re…not good.

  BL: I have to go now.

  AhHhhahhahah!

  Will follow him and see what I can discover.

  Later

  Brain is hemorrhaging slightly.

  I tracked Binary Larry as he left the secret sewer. First he went out to the skate park, which I have not visited in weeks, and which now sports a wicked series of ramps, pipes, twisting rails, and mazelike tunnels. I recognized my own carpentry style right away. Well, that explains what EvilOne’s been up to. Also, it explains why the local teens thought it might be possible to hold a skate rally in Silifordville. Seriously, kids really ARE going to come from all over for THIS.

  Dude, I soooooo miss my skills. Would skate the stuffing out of this place!!!!

  Anyway, Binary Larry skated for an hour or so while I spied. (His technique is tolerably good, I guess.) And then he left the skate park. And skated to Venus Fang Fang’s house, let himself in, and went to his room. It wasn’t until then that I finally recognized the family resemblance.

  Yep.

  Binary Larry is Venus Fang Fang’s SON.

  OBVIOUSLY he is A) not as doofy as he seems, and B) quite possibly as talented at deception as his mother! And OBVIOUSLY, she is using him to keep me from getting into the supersecret sewer!!!

  What is she hiding in there?

  Will do my best to find out tomorrow.

  Later

  Back at home. EvilOne was nowhere around, so I took the opportunity to get Raven to move the huge antique birdcage down to the basement. I will barricade myself down here tonight and (hopefully) sleep in some kind of comfort and safety. EvilOne seems preoccupied with Project Popularity, so maybe I’m OK for now.

  June 28

  senseis interrogated, 1; secrets cunningly dragged out of senseis, 0

  Have talked to Venus Fang Fang about Binary Larry. It went a little bit like this:

  ME: So, Venus Fang Fang. I found out about Binary Larry being your son.

  VENUS FANG FANG: Oh yas. Larry told me the two of you paint togather.

  ME:…Oh. And…you know WHERE we paint?

  VFF: The sewars, I believe?

  ME: Yeah. Um…I don’t really have any follow-up remarks at this time.

  VFF: Very wall. Let’s get on with your endurance training. You’re a lattle soft.

  SIGH! Clearly I did not have control over that conversation. Maybe tomorrow I will have the nerve to ask her straight out what the two of them are hiding in the super secret sewer. It’s just not in me today.

  Later

  I am no longer worried about EvilOne killing me. Venus Fang Fang’s training is sure to do the job first.

  On the bright dark side, I get to graduate from daytime to nighttime very soon. Venus Fang Fang is a cruel sensei, but I can’t help but admire her brilliance in training me on deadly sunshine first. If I can perform under conditions as adverse as daylight, imagine what I’ll be able to accomplish in the lovely dark!

  Later

  Have had excellent chat with Venus Fang Fang. It started when I said something gloomy and threatening about EvilOne, and continued a little something like this:

  VENUS FANG FANG: Now, chald. Your saster seemed nice. She became good friends with Viscer when she was walking him every day.

  ME: Oh yeah? She…was friends…with your dog.

  VFF: Samthing wrong?

  ME: Just a little…brain hemorrhaging is all.

  VFF: Look here, Jamily. I can understand hastility toward your twin. What is not making sense is the note of stunned disbelief I’m picking up. Why would it sarprise you that she enjoyed walking my dog? Is this the first sammer you’ve spent with her?

  ME:…You’re not the dumbest adult I’ve ever met, Venus Fang Fang.

  VFF: Wall, thank you. You’re not the dumbest chald I’ve met. Now do you want to answer my quastion?

  ME: No, because you wouldn’t believe the answer.

  VFF: I may sarprise you. I am so good at telling the dafference between truth and lie, I may as well be psychic.

  ME: Um, I hate to contradict you, but you just said my saster, er, sister, seemed “nice.” I’m afraid she’s got you pretty well bamboozled.

  VFF: Indaeed. I did say she SEEMED NICE.

  ME: [Slowly gaining small hope of being understood.] Oh…kay. So then I guess you won’t have a problem believing that until twenty days ago I was an only child, and that I accidentally duplicated myself using a device I built from items found in a junk-shop Dumpster?

  VFF:….….….….….….….………[Chewing on this.]….….….….……[Clearly deciding to believe it.]….….….….….….…………[Against all odds.]…. You ARE an interasting chald.

  ME: Also, my duplicate got all my skateboarding, lying, booby-trapping, and booby-trap-evading skills, and left me with crying spells, nose-picking, a crippling need for feline affection, and a self-esteem problem.

  VFF: That axplains…Naver mind. If it makes you feel any batter, no one should have been able to get through my fence alarm.

  ME: Awww…no offense, Venus Fang Fang, but that’s kid stuff. I mean, your alarm was the best I’ve seen, but I DO practice.

  VFF: You don’t understand what I’m rally telling you, because you have no idea just whose yard you broke into. I happen to be the world’s foremost axpert in tradecraft for covert operat
ions.

  ME: [That…is…so…cool…] Fancy that.

  VFF: And when I say no one should have been able to get through, I mean that my most phenomenally talented student, a stanningly good-looking thirty-seven-year-old prafessional defyer of death and mocker of defenses, tested it for me. HE couldn’t get through it, but YOU, a tharteen-year-old with no formal training, got through in fafteen minutes…I don’t invite just anyone to practice in my abstacle garden. I think YOU have samthing worth developing.

  ME: Huh…[OK. Feeling slightly better about self.] So why doesn’t it look like you’ve trained anyone here in, I don’t know, fourteen years?

  VFF: Wall, I’m actually retired. I had to stop because of the blood already on my hands.

  ME: [Thinking back to my last burger.] I know how you feel.

  VFF: And I vowed to stop creating killars.

  ME: Venus Fang Fang?

  VFF: Yes, Jamily?

  ME: First thing is, I hate being called Jamily, so could you cut that out? Second thing, the highest respect I can show you is the truth, which is that the girl you know as Emily is evil beyond belief and must be eliminated before she murders me, my mother, or my golem. Third, I seem to have lost some of my key skills in defeating the enema, er, enemy, so can you train me to defeat her if I promise there will be no killing?