Forgotten Fires

by Sara C. Roethle

  “I didn't know,” he said quickly. “I swear I didn't know. It was too late to save her dad, and Xoe had already disappeared to the dream-world. We wouldn't have been able to reach her.”

  “You just sat here,” Chase began like it pained him to speak, “knowing what was happening, and you said nothing? What if Xoe had been killed? Would you have even told us what happened?”

  “No,” Sam said honestly.

  Chase clenched and unclenched his fists like he was considering using them on his brother. “You were hoping Xoe would die, weren't you? That way no one would have known what happened. No loose ends.”

  Sam stared back at him, unable to dispute the claims against him.

  Everyone was silent while Chase made his decision. “Get out of here, Sam,” he said finally, “or next time we won't pull her off of you.”

  I buried my head in my hands as the sounds of Sam scuttling to his feet and making his escape echoed through the small space. Suddenly I felt Chase's hand on my shoulder as he sat down beside me. When I didn't move away, he wrapped an arm around me.

  “She wanted to take over my life,” I said in a shaky voice. “She said too many demons were after her, so she wanted to have the witches switch us so I could get chased instead. My dad told me to run, but I-I couldn't.”

  “She's talking about her granny,” Dorrie explained softly. Chase and Jason must have looked confused, but I still hadn't lifted my head from my hands long enough to see them.

  Chase stroked my hair as I cried, not asking for any more of an explanation. I glanced up to see Jason's lost expression as his hands hovered over me, wanting to touch me, but unable to with his burns. Then I buried my face in Chase's chest and cried. I could hear Dorrie softly elaborating on my explanation, but I did my best to shut out her voice.

  Eventually Chase stood and lifted me up into his arms. Everyone was silent as we left the little room. I didn't know where we were going, and I didn't care. Exhaustion took me while I was in Chase's arms and I fell into a deep, black sleep.

  12

  I awoke in my room at my dad's house. My dad. I felt too tired to cry as I sat up and looked around the barren room. I hadn't done much with it, as I'd been too depressed after being kicked out of my mom's house. I closed my eyes and thought of where I really wanted to be, knowing that I wouldn't destroy the room I was leaving.

  I appeared in my mom's living room, startling her so much that she spilled her morning coffee all over the couch as the red smoke around me faded. I found myself wishing that my smoke was gray like my dad's had been, but at least it wasn't green like my grandmother's. I don't think I would have been able to handle that.

  “X-Xoe?” she questioned as she waved her coffee-burned hand in the air.

  I just looked at her, letting her see everything that I was feeling, and suddenly she stood and wrapped me in her arms without a word. I began to cry while my mom made comforting hushing noises in my ear and stroked my hair.

  We sat down on the couch, and I was able to steady my breathing enough to tell her what happened. I told her everything, forcing myself to relive the horrible scene with my dad and my grandmother. I was half an orphan now, just like my grandmother had said.

  My mom began to cry too as she hugged me again, and we cried until there was nothing left of either of us.

  Eventually I sat up.

  “Xoe,” my mom said before I could say anything. “I didn't ask you to leave because I was afraid of you. I asked you to leave because I was afraid for you.”

  I turned to look at her, but didn't reply.

  She took a deep breath. “I felt so ashamed that I was incapable of protecting you. That was supposed to be my job, and I failed. I thought you would be better off with your father, with someone who knew how to keep you safe. I didn't deserve to have you.”

  My mouth fell open in shock, just when I thought that nothing else would ever shock me again. “I thought you hated me for destroying your house,” I said softly.

  My mom's face crumpled. “I could never hate you, Xoe. I was just so afraid of something happening, something that I wouldn't be able to save you from.”

  I nodded as it all sunk in. “I have to go,” I mumbled eventually.

  My mom sat up too, and looked at me with eyes almost too puffy to see out of. “Don't Xoe. You should move back here. Please.”

  I nodded again as relief flooded me, but what I said was, “I mean, I have to go because I left Jason stranded in the demon underground.”

  My mom inhaled sharply and nodded. “O-oh. I understand. Just come back here as soon as you get him, okay?”

  I nodded and stood, then went out the front door. Just because I knew I wouldn't destroy anything, didn't mean I should keep taking chances. I went out into the yard, then pictured my dad's house. Red smoke surrounded me, and I was gone.

  I popped silently into the kitchen to find Chase, Jason, and Dorrie discussing where I might have gone. As soon as they saw me, they all rushed forward, their worry palpable.

  “I just thought Jason might want to go back up,” I mumbled, ignoring their worried faces as they fawned over me.

  Jason stepped back in surprise, then nodded and said, “Okay.”

  I reached out a hand to him as I turned my head to look at Chase. “Do you want to stay here with Dorrie?” I asked.

  “Where are you going to go?” he asked instead of answering me.

  “To my mom's,” I answered without emotion.

  Everyone paused for a moment, then Chase nodded and took a step back. “I understand.”

  I wasn't sure what he meant. Did he understand that I just needed to be alone? That I needed to be in my own bed, somewhere I felt even slightly normal? I hoped so. I gripped Jason's hand in mine, then suddenly we were on my mom's front porch.

  Jason's right hand was still entwined with mine as we stood looking at my mom's house. He looked at me as his left hand reached forward to stroke my hair, but I pulled away.

  “Maybe I should actually go away this time,” he said barely above a whisper as he let his hand drop, “but I don't think I can.”

  I looked at him sadly, and knew that all of the pain I was feeling was clear on my face. Everything was going to change.

  Jason reached out to touch my hair again, and this time I let him. “I'm not going to hold you back from whatever it is that might make you happy. I know right now that it's not me.”

  I opened my mouth to argue, then closed it. After a minute more I said, “I don't know if I'll ever be happy again. I can't even think about it right now.”

  “And I'll be your friend until you figure it out,” Jason said softly.

  “My friend?” I asked, not sure I could take any more loss, but knowing that it was the right thing to do.

  “Is that what you want?” he asked instead of answering.

  I nodded in reply. I knew things would never be that simple. That one day you could be in love, and the next you could just be friends, friends that were maybe still in love. Yet I also knew that Jason wasn't what I needed right then.

  We stood in silence with our hands still entwined for a long while until my mom came out to gather me. She put an arm around me and walked me inside, leaving Jason alone on the porch.

  It was still morning, but I felt almost too tired to stand. Somehow understanding my plight, my mom walked me upstairs to my old bedroom. The room was exactly how I'd left it, minus the destruction I'd caused with my portal. I crawled into my bed, and my mom sat beside me as I fell asleep.

  That was where I stayed for several days. My mom coaxed me into eating, but it was a struggle. I felt numb and hollow. I heard the doorbell ring periodically downstairs, and I listened as my mom turned my friends away at my request. On two different occasions Devin and Abel showed up, and my mom turned them away just the same.

  Jason visited every day, and he my mom let inside, though she didn't let him upstairs. I listened as they talked in hushed whispers, only able to make out a word here
or there.

  On the night of the third day I finally dreamed, unlike the dreams of pure blackness I'd had the previous nights.

  I was in the dream-world, but I could tell that I wasn't physically there. My dad was sitting on the bench at the bus stop, looking at his expensive watch. I went and sat beside him, then looked at him expectantly.

  “These cursed cabs are never on time,” he commented as he looked out at the road.

  I felt a few tears slip down my face. “What are you doing here, dad?”

  He looked down at me warmly. “Are you happy, Xoe?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  “Why not?” he asked, perplexed.

  “You're dead,” I choked out.

  My dad chuckled. “We've known each other for such a short time. Surely your happiness cannot be so dependent on me?”

  “You were a big part of it,” I admitted.

  My dad put an arm around me. “You'll simply have to go after the other parts of it, to make up for what's lacking.”

  I shook my head and took in a shaky breath. “I don't know how.”

  My dad snorted. “Please. My daughter cannot be defeated by something so trivial. You've much to do with your life.”

  “Like what?” I questioned. As far as I could see, my life didn't have much purpose at all.

  “Do what makes you happy. That's all you can ever really do.” He stood as a cab finally approached.

  “Don't go,” I begged as he began to walk away.

  He turned and smiled at me. “I'm already gone.”

  With that he got into the cab and drove away, leaving me to cry on the bench alone.

  The sun shining through my window was blindingly bright as I startled into awareness. I sat up and put my feet on the ground, feeling stiff from having spent so much time in bed.

  I rose and left my room to walk downstairs to an empty house. I vaguely remembered my mom telling me she had to go back to work that day. With my stomach growling, I went to make coffee in a mechanical manner, one step after another.

  I had just poured myself a cup when someone knocked on the door. My mind raced with the possibilities of who it could be. I covertly peeked out of the kitchen window in an attempt to see whoever it was without them seeing me, but Devin spotted me instantly. Surprisingly, he was alone. The other two times he'd come, Abel had been with him.

  “I see you Xoe!” he called. “Open the door.”

  Too tired and apathetic to argue, I left the kitchen and did as he asked. We stood face to face for a moment as I took in his neatly combed blond hair, freshly shaven face, light blue button up that matched his eyes, and gray slacks. He raised an eyebrow at my appearance, then gestured for me to come out onto the porch.

  Not caring that I was in dingy, and probably smelly, pajamas, I followed Devin to sit on the swinging bench that dominated a good portion of the porch. The hard wood of the bench felt more uncomfortable than normal on my stiff joints and muscles. Lying in bed for several days definitely didn't do a body good.

  We swung gently back and forth in silence for a few minutes while I sipped my coffee, until finally he cleared his throat to speak. “My father died when I was sixteen,” he said.

  I froze and kept my gaze firmly in front of me. “Please,” I pleaded, “I can't talk about this yet.”

  “You don't have to talk,” he consoled, “but you do need to listen.”

  I didn't say anything in reply, and instead just sipped my coffee.

  “My parents were both werewolves,” he began again, “so I was born with the affliction, though I didn't start turning until I was a teenager. We were all rogues, without a pack or protection,” he said without emotion. “We didn't understand what the coalition could offer, and so we thought that they only sought to control.

  “Eventually another rogue wolf found us, someone like Dan who wanted to make a pack of his own, outside of the coalition. He wanted my mother and I, and so he tried to take us. If my dad would have just let us go, he would have lived, but he tried to protect us. The other wolf ripped my dad's heart out of his chest while I watched,” he finished.

  I inhaled sharply, surprised at the sudden turn in the story. Images flashed through my head of my own dad's death. I had been right there. I could have stopped it.

  “I couldn't have stopped it,” Devin said, as if reading my thoughts. “I didn't think that the other wolf would really hurt him . . . and then it was too late.”

  We sat in silence for several minutes while I looked down at my coffee. It was a beautiful, clear day outside, and I felt almost like it was mocking me.

  “I'm guessing Jason told you what happened,” I said bitterly.

  Devin nodded, but didn't reply.

  “I could have stopped her,” I admitted. “I didn't think she'd actually hurt him, but I should have known. I should never have put any faith in a woman I'd only just met, family ties or not.”

  Devin sighed. “What would your father have wanted you to do in that moment?”

  I shook my head as I began to cry. It seemed like I should have been out of tears after all that I'd shed, but they just kept on coming. “He wanted me to run.”

  “And why didn't you?”

  I shook my head again, not understanding where he was going with this. “I couldn't just leave him there.”

  “When the wolf came after my family,” he began, “my father held him off. He told me to run . . . and I tried. The only thing that kept me in that house was the other wolf throwing me into a wall so hard that I was too stunned to walk. After my father was dead, I ran while my mom held the wolf off.”

  “It wasn't your fault,” I consoled automatically. “You were just a kid, and your parents were trying to protect you. If you had been hurt or taken, their efforts would have been in vain.”

  “Xoe,” he began again shaking his head. “You're just a kid, and your dad was trying to protect you.”

  My head started throbbing as I felt guilty for a whole other reason. My dad's last wish had been for me to run, and I had been too selfish to grant it. “I couldn't even let him do the thing he gave his life for,” I sighed.

  Devin put a hand on my shoulder. “Xoe, do you understand what I would give to go back in time and tear my father's murderer to shreds?”

  I stifled a shiver. “I didn't kill my grandmother, my friend did. Even then, it was an accident.”

  “But you would have,” he prompted. “You didn't try to save your own hide after your dad gave his life. You didn't just let his killer go.”

  I thought about what he said, and knew he was right. Grandmother or no, I would have killed her. She had betrayed her own son. She deserved to die.

  “What happened next?” I asked, referring to his story.

  Devin smiled distantly, understanding my meaning. “I went to the coalition. I'd hoped that they could help me find the wolf who'd killed my father. Abel's father was still the coalition head at that point. He did all that he could, but I never got my revenge. After a few weeks I tried to leave, but he said he couldn't let me. Everything my parents had told me came rushing back, that the coalition only sought to control.

  “I told him I could never be part of a pack, that I found the idea detestable. It was the idea of a pack that took my parents away from me.”

  “But you're not part of a pack now,” I interrupted.

  When I'd first met Devin he had explained to me that he served as a kind of advisor for Abel. He was affiliated with the coalition, but didn't answer to a pack leader, nor did he lead his own pack.

  “And I never have been,” he explained. “Abel's father let me work for the coalition without joining a pack. That way I was accounted for, and felt no need to run away. Though really, I had nowhere else to go. Abel and I became friends, and when he took over I was able to maintain my position.”

  I nodded and stared off at the trees. I suddenly had a much different perspective on Devin.

  “It's okay to mourn,” he continued when I d
idn't speak, “but don't blame yourself. You are more brave than any seventeen year-old I've ever met. You're more brave than me.”

  We sat in silence for several more minutes while I thought over what he'd said. I didn't feel brave. I felt stupid. I felt like I should have figured out what was going on sooner.

  “I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to move on,” I admitted.

  Devin smiled softly. “What would your dad want you to do?”

  “He wants me to be happy,” I replied, remembering my dream.

  “Then do it,” Devin stated.

  I shook my head. “I can't.”

  Devin poked me in the arm, demanding my full attention. “You run your own werewolf pack, you've defeated witches, vampires, and ancient demons. You've proven that can't isn't in your vocabulary.”

  I stared down at my mug of half-full, cold, coffee. “I don't know where to start.”

  Devin took the mug of coffee from me and set in on the porch. “You pick something that is under your control,” he explained, “something that makes your life better. Then you take it or you do it, whatever it is.”

  My dad's words echoed in my head, Do what makes you happy. That's all you can ever really do.

  I stood. “There's somewhere I need to go.”

  Devin stood as well and gave me a light punch on the arm. “There she is!”

  I couldn't help my small smile, the first smile that had come to my face in days. It felt odd that Devin had been the one to bring it on, but I was also grateful. I walked back toward my front door, but something stopped me. Looking back over my shoulder at Devin I asked, “What happened to your mom?”

  He met my eyes squarely. “I never found her.”

  I shook my head. My heart would have ached for him if it wasn't already broken. “Don't give up,” I said softly.

  Devin smiled bitterly. “It's been twelve years. She is lost to me.”

  “Don't give up,” I demanded again.

  Devin looked at me thoughtfully for a moment before nodding and saying, “Okay.”

  I really wanted to take a shower, but another thought stopped me. “The rogue wolves wanted to kill me. That's why they contacted the witches.”