“You are such a misogynist.”
Carter nodded. “If that’s synonymous for wanting to protect you, then yes.”
“It’s not,” Oscar, Caden and I said at the same time.
“I won’t apologise for looking out for you, Lulu,” Carter said.
“And I appreciate that, Carter,” I said slowly. “But you don’t get to boss me around because of it.”
“I’m older, rules say I do.”
“I’m an adult.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am.”
“No, you’re not. Because if you are, I have to be, and that’s not happening.”
“That is the first sensible thing you’ve said,” Oscar told him.
I smiled, knowing it was futile to keep arguing. Carter’s heart was in the right place, even if his motivations were in the wrong place. I’d work on one thing at a time and, just then, I had more pressing concerns.
Like the fact there was a guy who’d touched me before I was thirty and, if Carter found out, my innocence would be the least of his reservations.
****
I felt the familiar feeling of panic and worry as I woke. Hands were on me, gently rocking me awake. But there was nothing calm about the way my heart was hammering or the pure fear that was flooding my system with adrenalin.
“Don’t go!” I yelled as I woke up properly, sitting bolt upright.
“Shh, shh,” I heard softly next to me.
There was a body in bed with me, one arm wrapped around my back and the other brushed the sweaty hair off my face, his whole body curling around mine protectively.
“You’re okay,” he said. “I’m here.”
So many times, I’d woken up and wanted to hear those exact words in my ear. His words would have been the only thing that had the power to allay my fears. But not this time. This time I wasn’t worried he’d died. This time I was more scared of him leaving again.
I looked at him in the near-dark and wished I was brave enough to ask him to stay.
Then I fully realised that he was in my bed and he hadn’t been when I’d fallen asleep.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, my heart still pounding from the remnants of the nightmare.
I saw his outline shrug. “I wanted to see you. You were asleep.” His voice was guarded, like there was more to it but he wasn’t sure what my reaction would be so he was playing it cool.
I looked around the room. The door was closed and there weren’t any lights on in the hallway. The house was silent so I assumed everyone else was in bed. The clock confirmed my suspicions when I saw it was after four in the morning.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his nose dipping to my shoulder as his fingers gently skimmed my skin.
I realised I was still shaking.
It’s what happened. Every time. About once a month for the last six years, I woke up from the mother of all nightmares. And I didn’t know how to stop it. I’d given up keeping any kind of track of all the ways I’d seen Caden die, or all the ways I’d been told he was dead. Sometimes we’d be in the hospital, sometimes we were at home, sometimes I was impossibly on mission with him – not that I actually had any inkling about what he actually got up to.
“Lulu?” he whispered.
I took a deep breath. “You’re not the only one with nightmares, Cade.”
He turned my face to look at him. I couldn’t properly read his expression, but it felt like he was trying to see if I was okay just by looking at me.
“What nightmares?” he asked.
He wasn’t asking because he thought I didn’t know anything about nightmares – not like him – he was just asking me to talk to him. I wasn’t sure if I could. But it was dark enough and I needed the reassurance this wasn’t still a dream enough that I felt it harmless to tell him.
“You,” I started.
“Me?”
I nodded. “You die. You always die.” My voice cracked and I took another breath to stave off the tears.
“I’m not dead, baby. I’m here. I’m safe.”
I nodded. My head was sure, but it still felt like I’d lost him in my heart. And, in many ways, hadn’t I? He loved someone else and yet I kept reaching for him, I kept letting him reach for me. It was only a matter of time before he left again. I wanted to just put all my worries aside, to take the time we had and be happy with that. But…
“For how long?” I asked, looking at him.
“What do you mean?” He ran his finger over my cheek and we both found it was wet. “Oh, baby…”
He pulled me to him, settling me into his lap and wrapping me up in his strong, comforting arm.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he promised.
“Until you do,” I said sullenly.
He nodded slowly. “I guess I’ll have to go back to work at some point.”
“And then how long will it be until they call and say you’re dead.”
“Hey, hey.” He tipped my chin to look at him. “I’m Caden fucking Reece. I’m the Falcons number one. Nothing can kill me, gorgeous.”
I sniffed. “That’s not true.”
He made me look in his eyes as he searched mine. “I will always come home for you, Lucy. Do you understand? Always.”
I nodded, wishing it was for the reason I wanted him to come home for me. “I understand, Cade.”
“Do you?” he asked softly, almost sadly. “Do you really?”
I nodded again. “Yes, Cade. You love all of us and you know how much it would hurt us if we lost our honorary Sykes brother.”
Something about him seemed to change. He nodded. “Sure. Of course.”
He coaxed me to lie down with him and wrapped me up tightly.
“And I make sure I come home safe for each and every one of you. Because you mean the world to me, Lulu.”
I nodded as I snuggled up to him. “Same, Cade. Same.”
He brushed my hair back and kissed my temple. “Try to get back to sleep, baby. You’ll feel better in the morning.”
“Cade…?”
“Mm?”
I’d been about to tell him I loved him. Or maybe I’d been about to tell him he should go back to his room so none of the boys saw him leaving mine. But I was too tired and despondent to say either of them.
“Night.”
“Night, Lulubell.”
19
Caden
My head was a fucking mess. I couldn’t tell if Lucy was forgetting that other tosser and falling in love with me, or if it was just the remnants of our childhood bond mixed with raging lust.
Sometimes, like the night before, she’d almost made it sound like she loved me, too. She’d dreamt I’d died and the pain and sadness I’d heard in her voice was palpable. But then she’d reminded me that all the Sykes would be devastated by my loss. So, where did that leave me? The brotherly non-brother she fucked while she waited for something better to come along? Or was I taking the place in her heart I so desperately wanted and she just didn’t know it yet?
I knew all my problems would be solved if I just talked to her. But I didn’t want to know it was the first. Not knowing was far better than knowing she’d never love me the way I loved her.
It hadn’t stopped me telling her once she’d fallen asleep again the night before.
Philips was right, I was a coward. A coward who didn’t deserve her. Not the way I wanted her.
I’d take the fling while I was home. But, when I was fully healed and back to training, then I was going to do whatever it took to say goodbye and move on. If that meant never coming home again and making it weird for her, then that’s what I’d do.
Until then, I’d relish the moments she was mine and the time I had with my adopted family. Which included going to the beach with Brit. It was the great beach football playoffs – it was always the playoffs when we played – and it was Brit, Carter and me against Luther, Lucy and Oscar.
“Go long!” Carter yelled.
Oscar jogged backwards, his hands in the air ready for the ball. Brit kept up with him as best as she could, but it had been a while since the girls had played beach football based on their current performance.
“Hut!” Carter threw the ball and Oscar and Brit jostled for the ball.
“Wrong sport, you arse!” Luther called, still sitting on the beach where Carter had just knocked him.
“Says you, old man,” I laughed.
“Thirty isn’t old,” he replied as Carter helped him up.
At the other end of the game, Oscar ran into Brit as they battled it out for the ball. I watched Oscar’s arms go around Brit like he was trying to shield her from the inevitable fall. The ball dropped forgotten next to them as the tumbled into a pile of arms and legs.
Brit laughed as Oscar very uncharacteristically swore.
“Always the fucking gentleman,” Carter sighed. “Can’t even let a girl fall over.”
“He was responsible for her falling over,” I pointed out.
“Still. And look,” he huffed.
I turned back to them and smiled. “Bless his little cotton socks,” I said.
“Guy wouldn’t notice if she was shoving her naked tits in his face.”
“Some would consider that a positive,” Lucy said wryly.
“Some would be missing out,” Carter said. “Oof! Ow!”
I looked at Lucy and realised we’d both hit him.
“Serves you right,” she said.
Captain Oblivious had finally unentangled himself from Brit and was helping her up. Once standing, she kept falling and giggling as he had to manhandle her to steady her.
“I swear to God,” Carter huffed, throwing his arms up and turning away.
“Oscar get your hands off my best friend!” Lucy yelled.
You can bet Oscar’s hands came straight off any part of Brit straight away like he’d been burned by one of his precious skillets. He was the only one who noticed Brit’s displeased pout.
“You’re one to talk,” I muttered to Lucy, rubbing my nose so my hand covered my mouth out of habit.
Lucy pushed me companionably. “Shut up,” she laughed, then jogged off.
I tried not to watch her too closely, but it was practically impossible.
Watching her run around the beach in her bikini, her hair blowing carefree in the wind, reminded me of all the reasons I left. It reminded me of that last day we’d had, the picture I’d carried every day since. But I didn’t want to leave this time. This time I wanted to pick her up, tell her I loved her, and hope she gave me a reason to stay.
“Earth to Reece!” I heard just before I got a ball to the head.
I barely caught the ball by pure instinct and turned to look at my best mate.
If I was seriously going to consider staying, then he had to know how I felt about his sister. But in giving me one reason to stay, I’d be removing almost every other reason for me to. There was no way he’d forgive me, not when we’d been sneaking around behind his back and I wasn’t promising his sister anything more.
I cleared my throat and reminded myself it was better left where it was.
“Fuck off!” I said to him as I chucked him back the ball and he laughed.
Then his laughter died as Luther simply put one hand out and pushed him over, letting Luther catch the ball effortlessly.
“Um, ref?” Carter called, indignantly spread-eagled on the sand.
“Snitches get stitches!” Brit told him, as heart-warming as she ever was.
“At least I’d also get a free out of it,” Carter said as Luther hauled him to his feet.
“Oh yeah,” Brit mused, earning a laugh out of all of us.
We hung around the beach for a little while longer, then all traipsed back home with some hot chips and a slab of beer.
After demolishing the chips and most of the beer, Brit had Carter dancing in the living room while Oscar and Luther chatted and laughed about something. Lucy caught my eye from across the room and bit her lip. I cocked my head in question. She looked at the others and stood up slowly. Her hand trailed across the arm of the couch as she walked towards the stairs and looked at me pointedly.
It was at that point that I was onboard with the program.
I gave her a nod and she grinned before skipping up the stairs.
I waited a few moments, then stood up and cleared my throat awkwardly. No one paid me much mind, so I did my best to sidle out of the room and follow Lucy upstairs.
I poked my head into her room, but heard a, “Nuh uh,” from behind me.
She was lying on my bed, drawing her dress slowly up her legs.
“You sure about this?” I asked her, inadvertently looking towards the stairs to check that no one was coming.
She sat up. “If you don’t want–”
I shook my head as I stepped into my room and closed the door behind me quietly.
Lucy jumped off the bed and threw herself at me. Her arms went around my neck and we smiled at each other as I picked her up and wrapped her legs around my waist. Our lips spared no time finding each other. Her fingers were in my hair and her body pressed into mine wantonly.
She laughed against my lips.
“What?” I asked.
She shook her head, her nose rubbing mine. “Nothing.”
“You were laughing.”
“I’m happy, Caden. It’s what you do when you’re happy.”
A thrill ran through me, making my heart hitch and pound and flutter like it had no idea what it was doing. I also had a smile I couldn’t wipe off my face.
“I’m happy that you’re happy,” I told her.
“You’re not happy?” she asked.
I shook my head. “I can’t remember when I was happier,” I said honestly.
She tensed and I watched her eyes widen but didn’t wait around to find out why that was. I kissed her hard and she wasn’t slow in responding as she relaxed against me.
“I want you, Caden,” she moaned against me and I fought to maintain some control.
Keeping in mind that I couldn’t take my time with her just then, I turned and pressed her against the door behind us. She nipped my lip playfully and, my body holding her up, I pulled my cock out of my pants.
I slid her panties aside and made short work of driving into her deeply.
Her whole body wrapped around me, I felt like home. Everything felt like this was where I was supposed to be. Her arms and legs wound around me and her pussy clenched against me like she was trying to keep me deeply inside her.
“Yes, Caden,” she whispered, breathy and needy.
“God, Luce…” was all I was capable of groaning.
“Yes. God. Faster.”
Much more and I wasn’t going to last, but I was loath not to give her what she wanted. If she’d said, ‘Jump,’ I would have asked, ‘How high,’ with no hesitation. I wanted to give her everything. She was my everything. I wanted to be her everything.
When it was her and me, like this, I felt like maybe I could be. I felt like I was the only guy she ever thought of, but something always held me back from saying anything. It could have been that she hated heat-of-the-moment declarations. It could have just been that I was, at the end of the day, a selfish bastard and I didn’t want to ruin the hottest sex of my life.
As Lucy moaned my name in my ear, I knew it was neither of those things.
I didn’t want to ruin the hottest sex of my life, but not because of the risk to my pleasure. I didn’t want to lose the only part of Lucy I knew was mine.
My pace increased again at her urging. I thrust into hard, fast, deep as she held me tight and encouraged me tantalisingly. Her voice sent me over the edge and she followed soon after.
All I could do was lean against her and the door and try to get my breath back. I wasn’t the only one breathing heavily and we both chuckled at the same time. I loo
ked into her eyes and, for one split-second, it felt like our hearts were beating in sync.
She was my everything and I was still too chicken-shit of losing her to tell her.
20
Lucy
So, to put it in words that would make Brit proud, I was fucked. Literally, figuratively, metaphorically and any other ‘ly’ you could come up with.
I was so far gone for Caden Reece that I was going to be a terrible mess when he finally went back to work. And yet, I couldn’t stay away. I tried putting emotional distance between us, telling him what I thought he wanted to hear, what I should feel. But it didn’t really help.
Every time we had sex, I felt closer to him. Not in the literal sense that he was in me, but in the synchronisation of our hearts. I held out hope that I was starting to take the place of that other girl in his. When he looked into my eyes after we finished, I could almost convince myself that it was true.
Then we’d go back to the real world where we were just Caden and Lucy, the way Caden and Lucy had always been. Close but nothing more.
At least, I had Brit to affectionately kick me while I was down as we were working.
“Didn’t you do the whole emotional bonding thing…” She paused. “I wanna say in the shower?”
I sighed. “Before the shower.”
Yes, we had spent a lot of time reliving each and every one of my encounters with Caden.
“Okay, so what’s the problem about saying something to him now?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Something about how… Well, he said all those nice things, but then… Sometimes, I’m sure he feels the same. And, other times, I’m sure he’s just planning to leave with the bare minimum or goodbyes.”
“So, tell him how you feel.” It wasn’t a question.
“No.”
“Would it help if I threaten to tell him for you?”
“No.”
“Okay, consider this me doing it anyway.”
I rolled my eyes. “You won’t or I’ll tell Carter you want to have his babies.”
That managed to shut her up. For about three seconds. “At least I’m not going to pretend it’s not true. Do you think it’d work?” She ran her hand over her stomach. “I think I’d pull off the pregnant look quite well.”
Caden (Loving the Sykes Book 1) Page 12