I had to agree with her. “You would. I’d look like a frumpy potato.”
“But a very cute potato,” she cooed.
I smiled softly. “Still be worth it, though.”
“It would. Our kids would be cousins. Now, can we at least wait until my cycle lines up to swap fascinating facts about our devotions to respective parties?”
I glared at her. “No one’s telling anyone anything.”
She nodded. “Yes, they are. If you don’t tell Caden you’ve been in love with him forever, then I’m going to.”
“And when he laughs in my face because stupid Lulu didn’t know the rules?”
Brit frowned and looked up. “There are rules? You didn’t tell me there were rules.”
I waved my hand at her. “They’re unspoken.”
“That’s Lucy-talk for you made them up.” She nodded like it was fact.
“I didn’t make them up. It’s…complicated.”
“There is nothing complicated about having your brains fucked out by your one true love every night, Lucy. Don’t think I didn’t notice you two slip off the other night.”
I grimaced. “Did the boys notice anything?”
She shook her head. “Nope. I kept Carter busy, and Luther legitimately thought Caden was taking a potty break before getting more beer and had a min-nap in the loo.”
I snorted. “Really? And Oscar?”
Brit sighed dramatically. “Oscar noticed nothing. As usual.”
“Well, good. I blame the beer.”
Brit’s not wrinkled in disagreement. “Oscar’s plenty oblivious without beer.”
“I meant about me and Caden. I blame the beer for that.”
“Uh huh. And how many times have you fucked him since?” she asked me wryly.
“For the obviousness of it!” I clarified with a laugh.
“Riiight,” she said slowly, clearly believing me. “And wouldn’t it be so much easier if everyone knew everything and you two could fuck like rabbits in heat whenever you wanted?”
“Brit, he’s going back to work soon and, even if Carter didn’t try to murder him when he found out about us, he so wouldn’t be okay with us having sex whenever we wanted.”
“Oh!” she said, as though something had finally dawned. “So, it’s all because of Carter that you won’t say anything?”
“I just said–”
“I know what you said, but him leaving soon seems like the single most best reason to tell him. Ergo, that’s an excuse and I feel like Carter is a stupid reason. Carter’s a big boy, he’ll get over it.”
“He won’t. Like he’d ever let Caden and me be together.”
“You and Caden won’t be together unless you tell him how you feel and stop him leaving.”
“Yeah,” I scoffed. “Unless telling him sends him away faster.”
Brit shrugged like it wasn’t a problem. “Okay. So, if you’re so convinced he’ll never love you back, why are you sleeping with him?” She looked at me. “How did you think this was going to end?”
I frowned. “That’s the problem. I didn’t.”
“Think it was going to end or think how it was going to end?”
“Sometimes, Brittany, you can be a real arsehole.”
“Someone has to be and I don’t see it being you.”
“I’m about to have my heart broken again, and this is the comfort you offer?”
“You want comfort, go to Oscar. You want advice, come to me.”
“I don’t want advice!” I cried.
“Well, tough titties,” she told me. “Because you need it if you’re not going to cock this up.”
I lay my head on the counter. “I’ve already cocked it up.”
“And yet,” Brit said, sarcastic wonder in her tone, “there is time to fix it.”
“I’d rather wonder than know he could never love me.”
“That’s stupid.”
“Well, then I’m stupid, Brit.” I sat back up and huffed at her. “Because that’s my choice and you are just going to have to deal with it.”
Brit blinked a couple of times. Then, slowly, she nodded. “All right then. Stupid it is.”
I nodded back. “Thank you.”
“Quick question–”
“No!” I laughed. “I’m not telling Carter you want to have his babies.”
“Oh, why not?”
“Because I’m not the messenger passing notes on the playground. You want his babies, tell him yourself.”
“Maybe I will,” she said with a playful smirk.
I shook my head at her with a smile of my own.
My best friend might have been as heart-warming and sweet as the evil queen from a Disney movie, but I loved her. And, deep down – way deep down – I knew she was right.
If any time was the best time to tell Caden how I felt, him leaving soon was it. Carter didn’t even come to mind – barely came to mind. My older brother’s wrath was not high on my list of concerns just then. And in the face of definitely losing Caden forever, I could deal with facing an angry Carter.
What I couldn’t face was the possibility that I bared my soul and Caden still walked away.
21
Caden
“Everything is looking pretty good,” Sheila said.
I nodded, sitting down and stretching the soreness and stiffness from my leg. “You say that after every appointment. And I always feel worse for it.”
She smiled. “Yeah, but I mean it this time. I reckon you’ve got one more week, then I can clear you with Morrison.”
I paused and looked at her. “Seriously?”
She nodded again. “Seriously. I wanted to wait, not get your hopes up or anything – I know how much you’re chomping to get back to training. But one more week and I’ll be happy to sign you off. You’re recovering well. You’ve behaved. It’s all going ahead of schedule.”
I hadn’t been totally behaved. If I had, I wouldn’t have thrown Lucy against so many walls. If I had, I wouldn’t have touched her in the first place. But that wasn’t what Sheila was talking about.
“A week?” I clarified.
“A week. I’ll be telling Philips in my report tonight. I know he’s been eager to have you back to help train the new guy.”
“They’ve selected a new guy?”
“Phillips mentioned a short-list, but they’re holding off final selection until you get back.”
I sighed. “Well, they’ll only have to wait one more week.”
“Exactly. You excited?”
To be leaving the only girl I’d ever loved without finding the courage to tell her? To be even more scared of telling her now I had a leaving date?
“Super excited,” I told her with a forced smile.
Her smile was as oblivious as Oscar. “Thought you would be. I’ll see you in a couple of days?”
I nodded as I stood up. “Same time. Same place.”
Sheila lay her hand on my shoulder. “You’re coming along really well. You might never have as much use of it as you want, but Phillips won’t bench you any time soon.”
I gave her a curt nod, like that was actually my concern when in actual fact I hadn’t even considered it as an option until that point. “Thanks for everything.”
She smiled. “It’s my job, Reece. Thank you for doing your PT away from everyone else and giving me a bit of a holiday.”
I grinned. “I’ll make sure to call you I next time I take the fast route off the roof.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”
I picked up my bag and headed out, my limp back again from what felt like overuse. But Sheila knew what she was doing. She’d been one of Morrison’s PTs for something like a decade. She was the best of the best. She’d been responsible for helping patch me up on many occasions.
Burnley met me outside and drove me around to the house. I wasn’t sure why we kept up the charade, but there was little point in havin
g him hanging around with nothing to do – man liked to keep busy and his roses were at home.
“See you in a couple of days,” I said as I patted his seat.
“See you then, Reece.”
I climbed out and wandered inside.
“I told you to remember your phone,” Lucy chastised, then came out of the kitchen and smiled. “Oh, hey. I thought you were Oscar.”
All I could do was shake my head. Emotions flooded me as I looked at her and I couldn’t take it. I was so in love with this girl, it physically hurt. She meant the damned world to me and I literally couldn’t open my stupid mouth and tell her. I was the definition of terrified. Terrified she’d look at me differently or, worse, pity me because she didn’t feel the same.
“How did it go?” she asked, indicating my leg.
I nodded. “Good. Bit stiff, but good.”
She smiled. “Good.” She cocked her head to the side and looked at me. “Everything okay?”
I forced a smile. “Fine.”
I took her face in my hand and pressed a kiss to her lips. I had half a mind to drop my bag and press her against the wall. If I couldn’t tell her how I felt, I’d show her. But I heard a key in the front door and we pulled away from each other just as Oscar walked in.
“I told you–” Lucy started.
“I know. I know,” Oscar said with a laugh. “My bad.”
Lucy handed him his phone. “Your bad indeed.”
Oscar grinned at me. “Right, I need to get to work. See you guys, later?”
Lucy and I nodded. “Yep.”
“Brilliant. Love you, Lu.”
“Love you, too!” she called as he hurried out.
My chest constricted. How I wished it was that simple. What I wouldn’t give for it to easily roll off my tongue and just cavalierly tell her I loved her and have her just as simply say it back.
But I couldn’t.
I spent the next week telling myself that it was better I didn’t tell her. Why bring up that whole thing when I was leaving? It wasn’t fair to her and that was presuming she cared. Which was stupid, because of course she cared about me. I just wasn’t sure she felt enough for me for it to affect her if I told her I loved her.
Only two outcomes seemed possible from me telling her.
One; it left her feeling weird about whatever we were to each other now.
Two; it made absolutely no difference to her life and I was left feeling weird.
Which only cemented in my mind that I shouldn’t say anything.
I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving. I didn’t want them to make a thing out of it – Oscar would insist on a big farewell dinner, Carter would want to go out and get trashed, and Luther would want to cram as much family time in as possible. And all I wanted was to enjoy a normal week with them before I, for all intents and purposes, walked out of their lives again.
More importantly, I wanted to spend a normal week with Lucy. I feared that, if I told her I was leaving, it would force the conversation about what we were to each other. She’d feel the need to talk about what we’d been doing and what we should do going forward. She’d feel obliged to get it all out on the table and I couldn’t handle finding out it was nothing more than lust and hormones.
I kept it to myself. I forced the normality. I reminded myself it was for the best.
If Lucy and I were meant to be, we would have talked about it already.
So, I thanked the stars for the time we had with each other and looked forward to being distracted again by work.
22
Lucy
Something felt off and I didn’t know what it was. Caden seemed…distant, distracted even. He still held me the same way, he still said all the same things, but it felt like he was pulling away somehow.
I didn’t know why and I didn’t know what I could do to stop it.
Over the last week, I’d been less inclined to drag him to my room and have him bang me senseless. I was less absolute horn-dog around him. I saw it either as growth or as proof that something was wrong between us.
But as I had been through our whole relationship – or whatever we were not calling it – I was a coward and said nothing.
I noticed he rubbed his leg more. It was absent-minded, like he wasn’t doing it consciously. I wondered if maybe something had happened with his physio and it was hurting him. I hadn’t once seen him complain about it since he’d been home. Well, he’d complained about how annoying the moon boot had been, but he’d never said anything about being in pain.
Had he been in pain this whole time? Was it some part of his training where he just got on with life even though he was in tonnes of pain all the time?
My heart hurt just thinking about him in pain. I hadn’t even considered it. All the times he’d lifted me up or I’d jumped into his arms, he’d seemed fine so I’d assumed he was fine. But maybe I’d made it worse and that had put him back in his recovery.
Was that why he was distant? He was upset that he was behind?
It was the same anytime I had a moment to myself. My thoughts swirled madly. Always about Caden. I hadn’t worried this much about…anything concerning Tommy. I hadn’t worried what Tommy thought of me. I hadn’t worried about his behaviour. I’d been – perhaps naively – comfortable and content in the knowledge Tommy wanted to be with me.
Was that a sign of something or nothing?
I was on the way back from work and taking a longer route than usual because I was half-putting off getting home. My roundabout logic told me that, the longer it took me to get home, the longer I put off Caden acting weird and I could pretend everything was okay.
I was around the corner when I saw something that stopped me in my tracks. My brain stopped dead and I stopped worrying about anything except what was right in front of me.
I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it. I didn’t know why I hadn’t guessed. But it was obvious now why Caden had been pulling away. It was obvious in the way his arms were around that woman and the way he kissed her cheek.
My heart felt like it cracked in my chest and sunk like a deadweight. My stomach heaved as I watched them smile at each other in a way that told me they knew each other well. Really well.
That had to be her. The other girl in his heart. Although, girl was a generous description, she could have been mid-thirties.
I now saw why he’d never love me. Compared to her, what was I? She was elegant, she was older, she was a woman in every sense of the word. And me? I was nothing but silly little Lulu who used to trail after the boys in my hand-me-down overalls and pigtails.
I was still standing there, mouth agape as I watched them together when she saw me. I saw her eyes narrow, even from that distance. Caden turned and saw me.
Quite aside from being caught out – not that, I’m sure, he thought I was catching him in anything – he smiled widely and called my name. But I was still looking at her and I saw the understanding dawn on her face.
“Oh my, God,” I muttered.
She knew about me? What did she know? Did she know Caden had slummed it with me for these last couple of months while he waited for her to pull her head out of her arse and realise how amazing he was? Did she think I was some stupid little infatuated idiot? Did she know there was no way I’d ever live up to…all of that?
“Lulu!” Caden said again as he came across the road towards me.
The woman waved from the doorstep of her fancy, schmancy house. Like I needed her pity or her faked kindness.
“Luce?” Caden said, less certainly.
I looked at him as he stopped at the edge of the curb.
“You okay?” he asked.
I swallowed and firmly told myself I wasn’t going to let him make me cry. “I didn’t mean to interrupt,” I said, forcing as much neutrality into my tone as I could.
He looked back at the woman. “No. I’m just finished.” He was smiling widely when he looked at me and I felt
the swift kick of his next words before he’d even uttered them. “Good news–”
I held up my hand and shook my head. “I’m happy for you,” I said, hearing the absolute acid in my voice.
If I said anything more, I was going to cry. And I didn’t want Caden Reece to see me cry. And over him, no less.
“Lulubell?” he asked, clearly confused.
I didn’t have the wherewithal to explain it to him, nor did I think I needed to.
I just shook my head and turned for home.
“Luce, wait!” Caden called. “Sheila, I’ll call you later, okay?”
“No worries,” I heard her call back.
I sniffed, doing the most mature thing I could think of. I ran for home.
Caden called my name, but I wouldn’t stop.
I was also incredibly thankful that home wasn’t that far away and Caden was still recovering from a massive injury because it meant I got home first and just got the door unlocked before Caden got to the middle of the front path.
I couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid. Not just in thinking that Caden could ever love me the way I loved him, but for losing it like that.
I should have been happy for him. I should have been happy that the girl he loved finally saw in him what I saw in him. But I couldn’t. My heart hurt and I felt like some stupid little girl playing at things she wasn’t ready for.
I thought I knew what love was. What a joke that was. I’d spent five years with a guy thinking I could learn to love and, in the end, even unintentionally, treating him poorly. Then I’d struck up a…what? Fuck-buddy relationship with my brother’s best friend in the naïve hopes that he’d finally see that I’d been waiting for him all this time. All the while being too scared and self-conscious to actually say anything out loud.
How had I actually expected this to end?
Had I actually expected Caden to turn around and tell me he’d always loved me? And then Carter would of course be okay with it because I quite clearly lived in make-believe land where everything turned out perfectly for your heroine. Like I was in some romance book?
Caden (Loving the Sykes Book 1) Page 13