by Jane Nelsen
ALSO IN THE POSITIVE DISCIPLINE SERIES
Positive Discipline
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.
Positive Discipline for Teenagers
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D, and Lynn Lott, M.A.
Positive Discipline for Preschoolers
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl Erwin, M.A., and Roslyn Duffy
Positive Discipline for Children with Special Needs
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., and Lynn Lott, M.A.
Positive Discipline in the Classroom
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Lynn Lott, M.A., and H. Stephen Glenn
Positive Discipline: A Teacher’s A–Z Guide
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Roslyn Duffy, Linda Escobar, Kate Ortolano, and Debbie Owen-Sohocki
Positive Discipline A–Z
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Lynn Lott, M.A., M.F.T., and H. Stephen Glenn
Positive Discipline for Single Parents
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl Erwin, M.A., and Carol Delzer
Positive Discipline for Step Families
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Cheryl Erwin, M.A., and H. Stephen Glenn
Positive Discipline for Parenting in Recovery
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Riki Intner, and Lynn Lott, M.A.
Positive Discipline for Childcare Providers
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., and Cheryl Erwin, M.A.
Positive Discipline for Working Parents
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., and Lisa Larson
Positive Time-Out: And Over 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in the Home and the Classroom
Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.
Copyright © 1998, 2007, 2015 by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Harmony Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
Harmony Books is a registered trademark, and the Circle colophon is a trademark of Random House LLC.
Originally published in hardcover in the United States by Prima Publishing, Rocklin, CA, in 1998. Subsequent edition published by Harmony Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, New York, in 2007.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Nelsen, Jane.
Positive discipline : the first three years / by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Ann Duffy.
pages cm
Revised edition of the authors’ Positive discipline : the first three years : from infant to toddler—laying the foundation for raising a capable, confident child.
Includes bibliographical references.
1. Discipline of children. 2. Toddlers—Discipline. 3. Parenting. 4. Child rearing. I. Erwin, Cheryl. II. Duffy, Roslyn. III. Title.
HQ770.4.N437 2014
649′.122—dc23 2014045390
ISBN 978-0-8041-4118-5
eBook ISBN 978-0-8041-4119-2
Illustrations by Paula Gray
Jacket design by Nupoor Gordon
Jacket photographs: (left to right) Rubberball/Getty Images; Gelpi JM/Shutterstock;
Joakim Leroy/E+/Getty Images
v3.1
CONTENTS
Cover
Other Books in This Series
Title Page
Copyright
INTRODUCTION
PROLOGUE: BY THE CHILDREN
SECTION ONE: LIFE WITH BABY
Chapter 1 Welcoming Baby
Chapter 2 Positive Discipline Principles for Your Family
Chapter 3 The Miraculous Brain
Chapter 4 Getting to Know Your Young Child
SECTION TWO: YOUR DEVELOPING CHILD
Chapter 5 How Do I Begin?
Chapter 6 The Development of Emotional Skills and Language
Chapter 7 Trust Versus Mistrust
Chapter 8 Autonomy Versus Doubt and Shame
Chapter 9 Understanding Age-Appropriate Behavior
Chapter 10 Temperament
SECTION THREE: YOUR CHILD’S WORLD
Chapter 11 The Art of Encouragement
Chapter 12 Perspective and Planning Ahead
Chapter 13 Sleeping
Chapter 14 “Open Wide … Please?”
Chapter 15 Toileting
Chapter 16 Getting Along in the Great Big World
SECTION FOUR: THE WORLD OUTSIDE YOUR HOME
Chapter 17 Nurtured by Nature
Chapter 18 Wired Minds
Chapter 19 Who’s Watching the Kids?
Chapter 20 If Your Child Has Special Needs
Chapter 21 Growing as a Family
Conclusion
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
RESOURCES AND BIBLIOGRAPHY
INDEX
INTRODUCTION
PARENTS HAVE BEEN raising children since the dawn of time. You might wonder what could have changed in the sixteen years since Positive Discipline: The First Three Years was originally published. The basic Positive Discipline concepts remain the same. Still, we discovered through our own studies and work with families that much of what we know and understand about young children has indeed grown and shifted in recent years. There is now more and more brain research that validates what we teach, and the world we live in has changed, too—9/11 and technology being two examples.
Many things will never change: young children will always need unconditional love, encouragement, skills, supervision—and lots of patience. In other areas, however, we are still learning. Technology has become more sophisticated—and more invasive—and we do not yet fully understand its impact on young children and their families. Parents have shared new stories with us—and we are happy to share them with you. We are grateful to have the opportunity to update and revise this book so it can be even more useful to parents just setting out on the amazing and sometimes challenging journey of parenting.
Some parents have commented over the years on the title of this book. “How,” they ask, “can you even talk about discipline in the first years of life? Why would parents need to punish infants and toddlers?” As you read, you will discover that we do not advocate punishment at all, for any age. Instead, we believe in discipline that teaches young children in a kind, respectful, and gentle manner; discipline that imparts valuable social and life skills as a foundation for success in relationships and in life itself. Punishment is designed to make kids “pay” for their mistakes (even when they are not truly mistakes but come under the heading of “developmentally appropriate behavior”). Positive Discipline is designed to help children learn from their mistakes in a loving and supportive atmosphere.
Above all, we believe in loving, connected relationships that form the enduring bond between a parent and his or her child. A new and important theme of Positive Discipline is “connection before correction.” The connection you create with your little one is by far your most valuable parenting tool; everything else depends on the quality of the relationship you share together. When we hear parents say, “Well, that Positive Discipline tool didn’t work,” we have to wonder if these parents are using the tools to win power struggles or if they truly understand the principles behind the tools—the foremost of which is that connection always comes first.
In this edition we place greater emphasis on the beliefs children are forming about themselves based on their perceptions of their daily experiences: these beliefs provide the fuel for their behavior. Children who grow up in an environment of excessive control or an environment of permissiveness will form different beliefs than those who are raised in an environment of kindness and firmness at the same time. Understanding the “belief behind the behavior” is foundational to understanding how to motivate change—and accepting that it might take as long to help children change their
beliefs as it took to form those beliefs in the first place. Positive Discipline is not about quick fixes but about creating an environment where children can make healthy decisions that will serve them throughout their lives.
As parents who have raised families and watched their children embark on their own lives and journeys, we can tell you that what remains, after all the tantrums, sleepless nights, mistakes, and worries that come with raising little ones are done, is love. When all else fails and you don’t know what to do, fall back on love. Love and your own inner wisdom will help you know what to do.
It is our hope that this book will become a valuable friend and guide as you share these busy and exciting years with your child. Don’t be afraid to ask questions or to learn new skills and ideas. It takes courage to raise a child; it also takes courage to be one. Take time to savor these first three wonderful years; they will pass all too quickly.
PROLOGUE:
By the Children
“I am Serena. I am three months old. I know my mother’s voice, I look for her face, and I love to snuggle when she picks me up. I like to drink my milk. I cry when she isn’t ready to give me my milk on time. When my mother rocks me to sleep, I like to look around. I like to take my bath but I don’t like it when she washes my hair or face. I like it when people talk to me, laugh out loud, and play with me. I want to hold my toys—but I can’t yet. I like to go out every day because I want to know what is going on. I watch everything.”
“I’m James. I turned two in December. I want to do everything myself. I don’t want any help. I like to do things my own way, even if it takes longer, and if you try to help we have to start all over. If you try putting on my sock, I have to pull it off and do it myself. That is much more important to me than whether I got it on backward. I keep wishing everybody ‘Happy Birthday.’ Sometimes I scream. I can’t talk too well—I have a hard time getting everything out. But I’ve learned one word that’s very powerful: No.”
“I am Jose. Next month I will be one year old. I laugh all the time. I like to get my way. I love to eat. Food is my favorite thing—especially big people’s food, but I don’t like squash. I am learning to walk. I get a lot of bumps and bruises. I like to chase my cat around the house. Maybe I love him too tight, because he bit my hand yesterday. My favorite words are ‘ma-ma,’ ‘da-da,’ ‘good,’ and ‘baby.’ ”
“My name is Bonnie and I am eight months old today. I have two teeth and an older sister. I love to flap my arms when I am happy. I invented a fun game. My mom gives me paper and I eat it up, and she has to fish it out of my mouth. Then I grin. We play this game with lots of things. We play this game all the time with the pebbles at the beach and anything else I can find to put in my mouth. Mommy stays real busy searching my mouth. It is fun.”
We are babies and toddlers. This book is all about us. The children you know may be like us in some ways. This book takes a peek into our world—or what the world looks like as we lie on tables getting our diapers changed. It’s about what we might be thinking when we grab for the shiny things on store shelves, or why we sometimes refuse to go to sleep at night, eat our peas, or use the potty. Learning to understand our world will give you lots of ideas about how to help us grow and how to encourage and teach us. We’re newcomers in this world and we need your help all the time. We are lovable, time-consuming, and often messy. And there is no one like us in the whole world. This book is for those who love us most.
SECTION ONE
LIFE WITH BABY
1
WELCOMING BABY
What You Need to Know in the First Few Months
The birth of a baby is a momentous occasion, a landmark event never forgotten by those who have experienced it. A new parent may be shocked by the news that a baby is on the way, or thrilled that the days of pregnancy tests and “trying” are finally over. Either way, there is no ignoring this life-changing bit of news. Your life as an independent, spontaneous person will change: Baby is on the way.
Most adults find that adding an infant to the family, no matter how anticipated and dearly loved that infant may be, brings changes that take some getting used to. Adult relationships must flex and adapt, making room for the new addition. Schedules and priorities change, as does Mom’s body. Babies can be perplexing little people, operating by rules known only to them—and each comes with his own unique set of rules. Some parents are blessed with an “easy” first baby, and are then shocked and mystified when their second baby is not so easy. Others begin with a “challenging” baby, and are pleasantly surprised when their second baby is “easier.”
The first few months of your new baby’s life may be exhausting, exhilarating, and challenging, all at once. It may be hard to believe, but one day you will look back at these demanding days and sleepless nights with nostalgia and realize your child grew up much too fast. But for now, those musings lie far in the future.
SETTING THE STAGE FOR BABY
Close your eyes for just a moment and think back to the first time you saw your newborn’s face. She may have been red, bald, and wrinkled, but chances are you felt you’d never seen anything more beautiful, or heard anything sweeter than her first cries. Writers and painters have tried to capture the magic of those first moments of life, but words and pictures are rarely powerful enough to convey what happens between parent and child.
For most parents, the months leading up to that miraculous moment of birth are filled with plans, dreams, and a few worries. In reflective moments, you probably wondered whether you would be a good parent, whether you’d know what to do, whether the baby would be “all right.” Expectant parents talk endlessly about the relative merits of cloth and disposable diapers, of nursing and formula feeding, of store-bought and homemade baby food. They discuss names for hours, saying them aloud to see how they fit.
New parents buy and are given impossibly tiny garments and mysterious articles with odd names like “receiving blanket.” They wonder if they’ll somehow know what to do with them (both the babies and the blankets) when the time comes. They purchase and ponder over the fascinating gadgetry of babyhood: car seats, carriers, cribs, pacifiers, bottles, breast pumps, and monitors. The grandparents “tsk, tsk” as they point out that millions of children were raised without all these fancy gadgets, or they rush out to buy even more dazzling ones. In this age of consumerism, with so many adorable clothes and such tempting equipment available, who can possibly resist? This is a time for endless dreaming, a time for hope and wonder.
FANTASY VERSUS REALITY
Sometimes, though, when you carry that helpless little bundle of humanity home from the hospital, the dreams fade a bit in the harsh light of reality. The baby cries, sometimes for hours, and it’s up to you to figure out why. Or the little darling sleeps all day then gurgles happily all night, much to the dismay of his sleep-deprived parents. Babies seem to be born with a detector that lets them know when Mom wants to eat, so they can interrupt with a need of their own. The baby spits up when you’re dressed to go out, may have several bowel movements in a single night, and sometimes cries angrily when handed to eager relatives.
From those first moments, parenting young children can become an avalanche of questions, anxieties, and frustrations, as well as an incredible source of love and joy. As that precious baby grows, develops, and changes, life can become a seemingly endless stream of challenging decisions and new ideas to be tested.
As your child grows, people in public places may smile knowingly or talk about the “terrible twos.” Many parents feel completely at the mercy of the adorable little tyrant their baby or toddler has become, while others seem confident and at ease handling meltdowns or constant interruptions.
HOW WILL I KNOW WHAT TO DO?
Most of us learn parenting skills from our parents or by trial and error. You may not like the way you were raised and vow to be different from your own parents, or you see others raising children and disagree with their choices. (Judging the parenting choices of others h
as become an international pastime.) But what should you do instead? You don’t want to be too strict, but is permissiveness the only alternative? You don’t want to be overly controlling—but how do you create order and consistency? You may worry that your mistakes will have too high a cost.
You have so many questions: Do I spank my child or not? If spanking is okay, how soon should I start? How do I communicate with an infant who doesn’t understand words? How do I get my child to listen? How do I handle a defiant toddler? How do I decide what’s really important? How can I help my child develop a sense of self-worth, while teaching her responsibility, honesty, and kindness? How do I take care of myself so I can relax and enjoy this experience?
Advice is in plentiful supply—grandparents, uncles, and aunts (and the lady behind you in line at the grocery store) will have lots of it—but whose advice is right? Even the “experts” disagree. Some suggest punishment (even in the poorly disguised form of logical consequences), while others (including the authors and the latest brain research) suggest that punishment is not effective. Some claim rewards are important. Others (including the authors and many researchers) believe rewards teach manipulation and a reduced sense of self-worth instead of valuable social and life skills. It is our hope as authors, and as parents, that you will find answers in this book that will make sense to you, as well as clues to help you use your own wisdom, creativity, and knowledge of your child to go beyond what can be written in words.
This book is designed to be of use to both parents and their frequent partners in child rearing: childcare teachers, nannies, sitters, and relatives. Examples of home and childcare situations will be given throughout this book to show how the principles of Positive Discipline can be applied to all aspects of a young child’s life.1 Developmental information and research will be included wherever appropriate, along with information about the way babies and young children grow and learn. Because it can be immensely helpful for all the adults who influence a child’s life to have the same understanding about how to raise him, you may want to share this book with the staff at your childcare center, your babysitter, or other members of your family.