by Jane Nelsen
YOUR FAMILY IS YOUR FAMILY
All families, like all children, are different. Not all babies are born into two-parent families with a home in the suburbs, two cars, and a family dog. Your family may indeed look like that, or it may take a different shape altogether. You may be a single parent, through divorce or death or because you never married; you and your partner may have brought children from previous relationships, and added those you have had together; you may have live-in grandparents or other relatives; or you may share a home with friends and their children. You may be part of the LGBT community, or a particular ethnic group with its own valued traditions. In the end, what matters is the connection you build with your child and your commitment to respectful, effective parenting.
A family, it has been said, is a circle of people who love one another. Whatever form your family takes, remember that it will be whatever you have the courage to make it. With wisdom, patience, and love, you can create a home where your child feels safe, secure, and free to grow and learn, and where she can become a responsible, respectful, and resourceful person—and where you will find joy in your parenting role.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR CHILD? THE IMPORTANCE OF LONG-TERM PARENTING
Life with an active toddler can make you feel like you’re on a runaway train. The days zoom past, each one filled with new marvels, new discoveries, new crises. Parents often have to scurry to keep up with their young offspring and sometimes have little time available for thoughtful planning. But think for a moment: Wouldn’t it be helpful, as you set out on the journey of parenting, to have some idea of your final destination?
Perhaps one of the wisest things you can do right now is to take a moment to ask yourself a very important question: What is it that I really want for my child? When your baby, your toddler, or your preschooler has grown into an adult (as impossible as that may seem now), what qualities and characteristics do you want this adult to have? You may decide that you want your child to develop responsibility, resilience, honesty, compassion, self-reliance, courage, and gratitude—each parent’s list will be a little different. What truly matters is this: From your child’s earliest moments of life, the decisions you make as a parent will help shape his future. Each and every action you take—whether or not you slap your child’s hand as he reaches for a delicate object, how you deal with food thrown across the kitchen, or how you respond to bedtime demands—can nurture or discourage those qualities you want to promote. Your child is constantly making decisions about himself and the world, and how to find belonging and significance in that world. These decisions are based on how he interprets his experiences in life, and they create his “blueprint” for living. Your actions and beliefs will have a strong influence on his decisions.
This idea feels overwhelming to most parents. You may be wondering, “What if I make mistakes? How will I know what to do?” Please, be reassured: Mistakes are not insurmountable failures, but valuable opportunities to learn. (Seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn is a fundamental concept of Positive Discipline.) Trying to protect your child from all mistakes is detrimental to learning resilience and developing a sense of capability. Both you and your child will make many mistakes along the way, but they needn’t cause irreparable damage if you’re willing to learn from them together. The most valuable parenting tools are those you already possess: your love for your child and your own inner wisdom and common sense. Learning to trust these instincts will carry you far along the road to successful parenting.
Remember, too, that children, especially very young children, learn by watching and imitating those around them. Your little one not only will want to push the vacuum or wash the dishes the way Mom, Dad, or Grandma does, but also will imitate the values you live by, such as honesty, kindness, and justice. When you use mistakes as opportunities to learn, your children will absorb this valuable attitude. Let your actions as a parent teach your child that he or she is loved and respected, that choices have consequences (not the kind you impose, but the kind you can help her explore), and that home is a safe and wonderful place to be.
A WORD ABOUT LOVE
Many things are done to children (or withheld from children) in the name of love. “I spank my children because I love them,” parents say. Or “I rescue and overprotect my children because I love them.” “I love my children, so I don’t help them much—they need to learn it’s a tough world out there.” “I push my children (in toilet training, or early reading, or sports activities, or academic excellence) because I love them.” “I work long hours because I love my children and I want them to have everything I never had.” “I make decisions for my children because I love them too much to risk letting them make wrong choices.” In this book, you will have an opportunity to explore the long-term effects of what you do in the name of love.
Parents often say that they feel overwhelmed by the intensity of their love for their children, and it is tempting to demonstrate that love by allowing children to do, say, and especially have whatever they want. Your eighteen-month-old may be cute and adorable now when he grabs your smartphone out of your hands to play a game. You may even giggle when he tries out the four-letter word he learned from his older brother. Will it still be cute when he’s five and does the same things?
Actually, whether you love your child is not the question. The real issue is whether you can show that love in ways that nurture accountability and a sense of capability, and that encourage your child to blossom into his full potential as a happy, contributing member of society. Eventually, most parents realize that genuine love requires that they love their children enough to set wise boundaries, to say no when they must, and to help them learn to live peacefully and respectfully in a world filled with other people.
FIRM, FLEXIBLE, AND GENTLE
Imagine a tree, its roots anchoring it deep into the ground. Far above, at the tips of its slender branches, rests a bird’s nest. In that nest are one or more tiny, fragile eggs. When the wind blows, the tree’s branches sway in gentle arcs, but its grip on that small nest remains firm.
This image of gentleness combined with flexibility and firmness translates well to the task of parenting young children, and forms the foundation for many of the principles you will learn throughout this book. You can stand with your feet (or values) firmly rooted while still guiding your child with steady, gentle hands and a kind voice. This is not an easy task; it requires patience, energy, and boundless hope.
REDEFINING “WE” AND “ME”: CARE FOR PARENTS
Adding “parent” to your definition of who you are means adding all sorts of new roles and responsibilities. It may also mean rearranging some of the roles you already have. One study found that many couples who had previously reported being happily married experienced a sharp drop in marital satisfaction after the arrival of a baby. Why?
Parents who are contented, healthy, and relatively well rested (being tired seems to be an unavoidable part of raising young children) will cope best with the challenges of these early months and years. If you are a single parent who must handle it all, there is even more reason to take special care of yourself. If you have a partner, remember that your relationship is the foundation of your family; invest the time and energy it takes to keep it strong.
A couple can easily lose sight of their relationship in the headlong rush to care for their baby. Mom nurses the baby; her partner feels left out or a little jealous—and guilty for having those feelings. One parent wants a little snuggling, while the other is “too tired.” One parent is dying for dinner and a movie out; the other doesn’t trust the babysitter or spends the evening texting every fifteen minutes to make sure everything is okay. And sex? Baby seems to possess a sixth sense that tells her just when adults are contemplating a little intimacy—and that’s precisely when she feels hungry or damp and squalls to alert her frustrated parents.
Taking time to cherish a partner as well as meeting your individual needs isn’t selfishness or bad parenting—it’s wisd
om. If you do not have a partner, connecting with other adults will give you a valuable energy boost. Your child will learn to respect and value the needs and feelings of others by watching the choices you make. Be sure you leave time each week for activities you enjoy and that nurture your physical and emotional health, whether it’s laughing with a neighbor over a cup of tea, a “date night” out with your partner, or a morning walk (perhaps with the baby along in a backpack or stroller). Redefining “we” and “me” is an ongoing process rather than an intellectual activity. An older child who feels sad, a partner who feels ignored, and a parent who feels lonely for adult companionship are all responding typically to this change in the family. Sometimes what is most needed is simply time to express painful feelings so that love, joy, and connection can be rekindled. Remember, too, that feelings can serve as useful reminders to take care of yourself and those you love. By honoring your own emotions and those of other family members, you can focus on discovering solutions to the problems you face, enabling you to enjoy life more fully.
PARENTING PARTNERS
If you are a single parent, you can raise a happy, healthy child alone (pick up a copy of Positive Discipline for Single Parents to learn more), but if you’re lucky enough to be part of a loving parenting team, make the most of it. Raising your young child can be more enjoyable and less frustrating when you make use of the resources and wisdom of those you trust and who share in caring for your child. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles can be invaluable resources. Your child will benefit from what each person has to give, while forming wonderful lifelong memories. If you do not have relatives and friends close by, consider looking for other means of support.2
Parents will rarely agree all the time about how to raise their children. One may favor firmness, while the other prefers kindness—and sometimes, each parent takes his or her view to extremes. One excellent solution is to read and discuss this book, or take parenting classes together, so you can raise your child as a cooperative team, learning to be both kind and firm at the same time.3
Resist the temptation to label caregiving tasks so that one parent feels like an assistant. Have you ever heard someone say, “My husband is watching the kids for me”? Aren’t they his children, too? How about: “I don’t know how to give her a bath (feed her, change her diaper, and so on). Her mom’s the expert on that!” Remember that practice makes better (not necessarily perfect)—and better is usually plenty good enough. In generations past, parenting, especially of infants and toddlers, was assumed to be a woman’s job. These days, however, research tells us that men are far more involved with all aspects of parenting—and children are the beneficiaries.
Wise parents know that parenting is a partnership and when parents treat it as such, the real winners will be their children. Sure, parents, grandparents, or other caregivers have different styles. The great news is that those differences can be a real plus for your child, who will learn skills for interacting with different kinds of people. Children often learn to change their behavior depending on the different parenting styles they encounter. This is particularly true for the different ways in which men and women tend to handle and interact with children.
Watch a mom greet her child. She may wrap her arms around little Justin or cuddle baby Megan against her chest, showering her soft head with kisses. Then watch Dad greet these same little ones. When Dad says “hi” to Justin, he swoops him into the air, holding him at arm’s length as Justin squeals and giggles with delight. His greeting to Megan often begins with blowing raspberries on her round belly and laughing as she squirms with pleasure. These tendencies toward either active or nurturing interactions provide unique benefits.
Physical stimulation is great for brain development and encourages healthy risk-taking. (Warning: Never shake or toss a young baby or leave her head unsupported! And keep in mind that tickling may feel like torture to a young child, even though he laughs—until he cries.) Cuddling supports a child’s sense of well-being, safety, and security. Also, research has demonstrated that a father’s more active style of playing with his baby may actually help her learn self-awareness (“Is this fun?” “Am I getting tired?” “How do I let him know that I want to stop?”) and begin communicating her feelings and needs to the adults around her. If you are attuned to your little one and are paying attention to her cues and signals, you will be able to decide how best to offer her that critical sense of belonging and connection, and how to respond appropriately to her needs.
Colic
Some babies seem to fuss, cry, or scream for no apparent reason for long periods at a stretch, particularly around dinnertime. If your baby cries or screams excessively, by all means check with your doctor to be sure there is no medical reason for her behavior. Many times, however, the doctor will say, “There is nothing seriously wrong. It’s just colic.” It is reassuring to know that your child is not in physical danger, but it is still extremely frustrating when you can’t seem to comfort your child.
What is colic, anyway? No one seems to know. The Mayo Clinic (www.mayoclinic.com) describes colic as crying for more than three hours a day, three days a week, for more than three weeks, in an otherwise healthy and well-fed infant. Colicky babies can appear inconsolable (and often draw their tiny legs up as though in terrible pain). What can you do? First, remember that it doesn’t last forever. Also, don’t look for blame. Try to remain calm and connected as you rock, burp, walk the floor with, and offer a pacifier to your little one, holding your arms tightly (but not too tightly) around his tummy. Unfortunately, none of these methods is guaranteed to work for long. It helps if you have the luxury of a partner or relative who will take turns trying to help you all through this miserable time.
SLEEPING: “SHHHH … THE BABY IS ASLEEP!”
One of the first issues new parents face is the challenge of helping their baby create a consistent sleep pattern. Most babies spend more time asleep than awake during the first few months of their lives—though that may seem hard to believe. Power struggles over sleeping can be avoided if you allow your child to learn to fall asleep by herself as early in her life as possible. This means putting her in her crib just before she falls asleep. (We know this isn’t always possible with tiny babies who doze off after a few sucks on the bottle or breast, but making an effort will promote healthy sleep patterns.)
Some parents find they are afraid to lay down a drowsy or sleeping baby for fear of waking her, but waking up and being allowed to go back to sleep after a little fussing is fine. Adults often try to take responsibility for getting the baby to sleep and then managing the environment to keep him asleep (“Shh! The baby is asleep!” they anxiously stage-whisper), then feel guilty, frustrated, or annoyed when they fail to ensure uninterrupted snooze time.
Do your best to establish good sleeping habits as soon as you can—and be aware that an infant’s schedule is often unpredictable for the first month or two of her life. (We will talk about sleep in more detail in Chapter 13.)
NURSING
Feeding is also one of the first challenges you will face with your baby. Not all mothers can (or choose to) nurse, and you can build a strong, loving connection with your baby no matter how you feed him. Still, many mothers want to nurse, or believe they should, and find that it’s more difficult than they had hoped. Listen to Jane’s story about nursing her firstborn:
How I wish I’d had more information on nursing from the beginning; I wouldn’t have created so much pain for myself and my children as I learned. My first child was born when doctors were advocating a strict feeding schedule of every four hours. I just assumed they must know what they were talking about. Baby Terry would nurse for a short time and fall asleep. Often, during the afternoon, he would wake up after an hour and start crying. I would think, “Oh no! Three more hours before he can nurse.” I would walk the floor with him and try to comfort him, but he would just cry until he was screaming. I tried pacifiers and water. They might work for a few minutes but soon he would be screamin
g again. (It is painful for me to even remember this.)
Finally, after two hours, I would “cheat” and nurse him before the four hours were up. He was so exhausted from crying that he would nurse for a minute or two and then fall asleep. I was so intimidated by the doctor’s advice that I didn’t think. I just assumed that I had to wait another four hours. Terry would wake up hungry in about an hour and we would go through another agonizing two hours before I would “cheat” again.
Because of my lack of information about nursing, I believed that if my breasts weren’t engorged, I didn’t have any milk, that my milk must not be rich enough because it wasn’t “milky white,” and that Terry cried because I didn’t have enough milk. The truth was that he cried because he wasn’t nursing long enough to get enough nourishment and to build up my milk supply in the process. I gave up in frustration after three weeks and put him (and three succeeding children) on a bottle.
When my fifth child, Lisa, was born, I tried nursing again. I was on my way to failure once more when my sister-in-law told me about La Leche League (www.lalecheleague.org), which has offered support to nursing mothers for many years. She told me there was no such thing as bad mother’s milk and that I should throw away all the formula bottles and supplemental foods and just nurse whenever my baby wanted to in order to build up my milk supply. I read the book, threw away the bottles and solid foods, and began a successful nursing experience.
I loved nursing on demand. Sometimes Lisa would nurse as often as every hour—or sometimes every fifteen minutes! By the time she was three and a half months old, she had regulated herself to a three-hour schedule during the day and would sleep through the night, even without cereal to “fill her up.”