Maybe Tomorrow

by Sherri Renee

  Lucas might think I was a total whack job after I’d run out on him at the restaurant, but that wasn’t on him. Neither was Brianna. He didn’t deserve the blow she’d publicly dealt him.

  Basketball was Lucas’s sport. To use one poor game against him was the worst kind of cruel. Nothing like rubbing his face in his loss over and over again every time the rumors were repeated.

  My steps grew faster as my anger grew. I hardly even noticed people scampering out of my way as I trudged forward. What was wrong with that girl to treat such a nice guy like that?

  “Maddie. Maddie!” I jerked to a stop as Ginger’s voice broke through my thoughts. “What the heck are you doing?” she asked, jogging the last few steps to close the distance between us. “I thought we were going to go over our notes before class.”

  I blinked at Ginger before my eyes darted to Lucas’s locker. I had no reason to be on this hall, and my mind came up blank when I searched for an excuse for being there. Panic swirled into my chest, rushing in like water from the tap.

  Leaving a note for Lucas wasn’t exactly a criminal act. I knew Ginger, though. If she found out what I had planned, she’d switch from sweet friend into match-making guru and I’d never have a moment’s peace.

  It would be all “You should talk to him.” “You should invite him over. You should. . ." Yeah, it would be non-stop until Lucas and I were either a couple or I bound and gagged Ginger and shoved her in a closet. One option was just as impossible as the next.

  “I forgot about meeting you, sorry,” The hall started to clear and the late bell would ring soon. I took a step in the direction of our first class, giving Lucas’s locker one last longing look.

  Now that I’d decided to leave a message for Lucas, I wanted to do it now. But I couldn’t do it in front of Ginger. No matter how much I loved the girl, this was something I wasn’t ready to share.

  Ginger fell into step beside me. “So, what are you doing over here?” She tilted her head as she studied me, and I frowned. I didn’t want to lie to her, but other than tell her about the note, what could I say?

  Ginger’s phone dinged, pulling her attention from me, and her face lit up as she checked her text.

  “Max?” I guessed.

  Pink tinged Ginger’s cheeks and she nodded. “He’s waiting for me by English.”

  I could hear the excitement in her voice and gave her a small shove while I grinned at her. “Go,” I told her. “Get your morning smooch from your sweetie.”

  “Are you sure? I can wait for you,” Ginger was sweet enough to say, but I saw the eagerness on her face. Plus, it would give me a chance to leave my note for Lucas after all.

  “I’m sure. I’ll be right behind you.”

  “Okay,” Ginger hurried down the hall. “Hurry up, though,” she called over her shoulder.

  I smiled after Ginger. I loved that Max made her so happy. And I loved that he’d just saved me from having to explain why I was on the East Hall. I loved Max quite a lot at the moment.

  As soon as Ginger was out of sight, I turned back toward Lucas’s locker. The hall was almost completely empty. If I was going to do this, now was the time.

  I eased the locker open, jumping when it let out a short squeak. I laughed at myself. “You’re not doing anything wrong,” I whispered. “Stop being so jumpy.” The door opened the rest of the way to reveal a smiling picture of Brianna in her cheerleading uniform tapped to the door. Gag.

  I was tempted to tear it down, but that wasn’t my place. A quick glance down the hall showed that the coast was still clear. I held the message I’d written crumpled in my fist. Unfolding the yellow paper, I tried to smooth out some of the wrinkles before I slapped it over Brianna’s too-wide smile and stuck a magnet on top to hold it in place.

  I might not feel right about throwing her picture away, but I felt awesome about covering it up.

  I took a minute to study my work. I didn’t know Lucas well enough to know if my words would help, but they were all I had right now. And after almost a year of Mom and Dr. Reynolds encouraging me to work on affirmative sayings for my health, I knew just how to come up with the best. Or at least I hoped I did.

  I reread the words scrawled on the yellow paper:

  You are perfect, even in imperfection.

  I wrinkled my nose, suddenly uncertain. Would Lucas take offense at the “imperfection” part? No one was perfect, but what if he thought I was pointing out his shortcomings? Or even worse, what if he thought it was creepy that someone snuck into his locker, rather than encouraging as I hoped it would be?

  I tilted my head and gnawed my lip as I studied the words. Those were the first ones that had popped into my head. For some reason, I felt they fit Lucas’s situation.

  Footsteps echoed from somewhere down the hall. I couldn’t get caught at Lucas’s locker. I either ripped the note down and ran, or left the note—and still ran.

  Picturing Lucas’s weary expression after the game turning to an encouraged smile after a word from me at The Greasy Spoon made my decision easy. The note stayed.

  I slammed the locker shut and scurried to my class. If nothing else, I hoped my words would remind Lucas that someone cared.

  School dragged on and on, and I didn’t get much out of any of my classes. I kept wondering if Lucas had seen my affirmation yet, and if so, what he thought about it. Nerves tossed in my stomach like a tiny boat in a rough sea, but then I’d remind myself he wouldn’t know who’d left the note. Whether he liked it or not, I had no reason to be nervous.

  I rested my chin on my fist and stared at the whiteboard as Mrs. French jotted down notes on a passage we were analyzing in English. She could have actually been writing in French for all the sense her notes were making to me.

  It didn’t have anything to do with her teaching. I simply couldn’t concentrate on anything but Lucas. I wondered what he was thinking. What he was doing. If he and Brianna had already made up, or if their breakup would be final this time. It didn’t help that I was extra tired either. Every move felt like fighting my way through thick, sticky honey.

  It didn’t take a medical degree to deduce that I’d overdone it the day before. I could have left school right then and gone home. Mom and Dr. Reynolds would have been thrilled to write an excuse for me. But if they knew how exhausted I was, the next time I wanted to go to a game or stay out late, they’d use it against me. I was beat, but I wasn’t ready to limit myself just yet.

  I paced myself as I walked down the hall after the last bell. I was a rock tumbling along a creek bed, slowly bouncing from one point to the next while water flowed over and around me.

  “Ouch.” I let out a yelp as someone really did bounce off me. It felt like they’d crushed my ribs in the process. I clenched my teeth and wrapped an arm around my side as tears pricked my eyes.

  “Sorry,” a kid said without another glance as he hurried down the hall. I drew in a painful breath and fought back tears. With the day over I only had to make it to my locker and then to my car. I could do that.

  “You are stronger than you know,” I muttered to myself, cautiously making my way through the crowd. I crept along close to the wall of lockers, hoping to avoid any other collisions.

  For some reason, my pain tolerance was at a minus fifty. If anyone else bumped into me, I would shatter.

  “Dig deep,” I whispered another simple affirmation to keep my feet moving.

  This kind of pain wasn’t a typical symptom of my disease. It was possible one of the new pills Dr. Reynolds had prescribed for me was making me sore. I decided I couldn’t wait until my next appointment. I’d ask Mom to call his office as soon as I got home. If I ever made it.

  I gave my locker, still several feet ahead, a longing look.

  “Maddie! Wait up.” I closed my eyes and sucked in a sharp breath as I recognized the deep voice calling my name. Lucas was the last person I needed to run into. I didn’t have the energy to tell him “hi” much less explain my craziness from the night befo
re. Even though he fully deserved an explanation.

  Chapter 8

  I didn’t stop, but as slow as I , Lucas caught up to me quickly. His drawn face and ruffled hair caught my attention. It looked like he’d been running his hands through it all day. I longed to reach up and smooth those messy locks into submission. But it wasn’t my place. Nor could I raise an arm without crying at the moment.

  “Maddie.” He ran his fingers through his hair, confirming my suspicion of how it had gotten in the condition it was. “Hold up a minute.”

  I only had a few more feet until I’d reach my locker. If I stopped now, I didn’t know if I’d be able to make myself keep going. On the other hand, the pain in my side was already receding. A little break might be exactly what I needed.

  Drawing a deep breath, I turned to face him. There were still some kids in the hall, and every one of them gave us curious looks, but no one stopped. Now that we were face-to-face, I knew I needed to apologize. He could think I was crazy for running out of The Greasy Spoon, but I wouldn’t let him think he’d been the cause of it.

  “I’m sorry about last night,” I cut straight to the chase. “It was rude of me to run out like that. I, um, needed to get home.”

  Lucas’s face brightened. “I was coming to apologize to you. I wasn’t sure what I did, but I felt terrible for running you off. You didn’t even get to finish your shake.”

  We stood looking at each other, Lucas with a half-smile. Me with a grimace. I searched his face, wondering if he’d read my note and if it helped him in even the smallest way. My heart swelled with longings I usually managed to avoid.

  Something about Lucas made me want to protect him. Which was hilarious considering he was a strong athlete while I—was not. But he had a vulnerability that peeked through from time to time that was charming. And so real.

  Maybe that’s what drew me to him so much. Lucas wasn’t puffed up and full of himself like a lot of the other jocks at school. He was different, down to earth, and I liked it. Way too much.

  “So,” Lucas said, rocking up on his toes. “I’ve got to head to practice. Will you be at the game Thursday?” He looked hopeful, and another shot of longing speared through me. He acted as if he wanted me to be there. With the way I felt, the only thing I wanted was to crawl in bed and sleep for a week. Well, that and see Lucas smile again.

  “Um, I don’t know.” Leaving an anonymous note was one thing. Going to the game to cheer Lucas on was another. I liked the guy standing in front of me, but I couldn’t afford to give him any mixed signals.

  “I’ll probably have to watch my brothers,” I added.

  Lucas’s face fell, and along with it my heart. He nodded, forcing a smile. “Oh, right. Maybe some other time, then?”

  He took a step back, and my chest ached. I really didn’t ask for much out of life. How wrong would it be for me to go to Lucas’s game? Maybe a four on a scale of one to ten? That wasn’t exactly terrible.

  “Oh, Thursday! I thought you said Wednesday,” I said lamely. “I’m totally free Thursday, and I’m absolutely going to the game. I wouldn’t miss it,” I grinned up at him. “I love watching you play.”

  I got my wish. Lucas’s face split in a real smile, and his cute ears turned red. I’d embarrassed him, and I discovered an embarrassed Lucas was an adorable sight to behold. Just looking at him made me forget my pain and fatigue. I wished I could simply stare at him all night. Not creepy at all, Mads. Not creepy at all.

  “Yeah. Well,” Lucas stammered. “Practice. I’ve, ah, got to go to practice, but I’ll see you around Maddie Gardner.” He took another step back, this time with his smile firmly in place. He gave a little wave just before he turned.

  My heart felt like it could explode, pounding so hard the sound whooshed through my ears, but in a good way for a change.

  When I lost sight of Lucas, I turned back toward my locker. I felt a hundred pounds lighter than I had just minutes ago. Lucas had hunted me down and wanted me to go to his next game. I was hesitant to even think it, but I was pretty sure Lucas didn’t do that with every girl at school. Could he be interested in me?

  I snatched a couple of books from my locker and made it to my car. I would take a nap when I got home, and I’d drink an extra glass of green juice after dinner. My ribs only held a trace of lingering pain, and with thoughts of Lucas’s smile filling my head, my fatigue hardly registered at all. I had two days to rest up. If I did, I could make it to the game on Thursday, no problem.

  Putting the car in gear, I headed straight home. I needed to pick out something cute to wear to the game. Maybe I’d have Ginger help me with my hair and makeup. If all went well, we could even go to Luigi’s after. At least for a minute.

  I pulled into the driveway, flipping through safe conversation topics. Lucas and I could not have a repeat of last night’s conversation where I stuck my foot in my mouth as often as not. We could talk about movies. I watched a heck of a lot of those since I usually didn’t have the energy to do much else.

  And then it hit me like a physical punch. I was making plans for a date.

  What was wrong with me? The only date I had was with death. And that meant no friends, no boyfriends, and absolutely no dating. I’d made that rule for a reason. I believed in it completely. How could I have forgotten it just because Lucas talked to me a couple of times?

  I gripped the steering wheel and slumped forward until my forehead rested against it. I’d forgotten my rule because I’d wanted to. Dying alone might be honorable, but it was lonely.

  My aches and pains came back full force. Whatever brief reprieve I’d had was long over and a good reminder that pushing people away was the right thing to do.

  But if I was doing the right thing, why did just the thought of staying away from Lucas make my chest ache like someone was trying to rip my heart out?

  I limped into the house without any answers to my question. I hated this disease. I hated the uncertainty of it. I even hated Lucas a little bit for making me want what I couldn’t have.

  Most of all, though, I hated the thought of causing anyone pain when I died.

  Mom peeked out from the kitchen. “Maddie! You’re home. How was your day, dear?”

  I quickly straightened, hoping to hide the fact that this wasn’t a good day for me. Mom’s questions were innocent and motherly, but her eagle eyes scanned my face, looking for any signs of pain or weakness.

  “School was okay,” I said, dropping my bag and purse on a chair in the kitchen.

  Mom had something yummy cooking, and she went back to it while I took a deep sniff. I knew whatever it was would be sugar and additive-free, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t taste good. Mom was an excellent cook.

  If I thought I’d be around for a while, I’d beg her for lessons. As it was, I didn’t see the point. I was just happy to enjoy whatever she whipped up for each meal.

  I lowered myself onto a barstool and bit back a groan. “Can you ask Dr. Reynolds which pills could be making me sensitive and achy?”

  Mom spun from the stove with a spoon in her hand. “Why? What happened? Do you hurt somewhere?”

  Taking a quick inventory, I couldn’t find a body part that didn’t ache, but I didn’t need to worry Mom with that. “I’ve been getting sore a lot. Some kid barely bumped into me in the hall today, and it hurt a lot more than it should have.”

  “Someone bumped into you?” Mom dropped the spoon in her hand. It hit the floor with a loud clatter and went unnoticed as she raced to me. “Show me where? Did it bruise?”

  Excessive bruising could mean a vein was leaking. With Lucas on my mind, I hadn’t even thought to check. Careless, and one more reason I didn’t need any distractions in my life.

  I tugged up my shirt, and we both peered at the bruise-free skin on my side. I heard Mom exhale softly. She smoothed my shirt back down, gently running her hands over my side.

  “Okay. You’re okay,” she murmured, nodding as she reassured us both. She cupped my cheeks i
n her hands, looking into my eyes before nodding again. “Yes, I’ll call Dr. Reynolds in the morning. There are some amino acids I want to ask him about that are supposed to strengthen veins and arteries. If he okays it, we’ll add them to your regiment.”

  I scrunched my nose at the thought of taking yet another pill. Mom shook a finger at me, before picking up the spoon she’d dropped to set it in the sink. “They supposedly don’t have any side-effects, so there’s no harm in trying.”

  I didn’t argue. I knew it made her feel like there was hope when we tried new things. Who knew? Maybe she’d be the one to hit on a cure. She researched my condition more than Dr. Reynolds possibly could, considering he probably had a hundred patients while Mom only had one. Me.

  “Fine, Dr. Mom. Whatever you say.” I gave her a salute.

  Mom grinned at me, the worry lines leaving her face like I hoped they would. I wished I could erase them permanently, but I had a feeling that wouldn’t happen unless I had one of those miraculous recoveries Mom hoped for.

  That reminded me I needed to build up my strength for the game Thursday. Just in case I decided to go.

  I went to the refrigerator and rummaged through the bags and bowls of fruits and vegetables. “What’s in that pear drink you mentioned last night?” I asked, pulling out a container filled with pre-washed spinach and blueberries.

  Mom shot me another look, and I rolled my eyes dramatically. “I’m fine. I just thought I’d have an extra green drink today. The pear one sounds good.”

  Mom relaxed. Scooting me aside, she pulled a few more things from the refrigerator before setting up the juicer.

  “I’ve got this,” I said. Juicing wasn’t hard. Mom had already done all the work of peeling and slicing. I just had to drop fruits and veggies down the shoot and wait for the juice to pour out. But I did pull a chair over so I could sit while I let the machine masticate the fruit and veggies for me.

  “Where are the boys?” I asked over the noise of the juicer as I added small handfuls of everything Mom had set out.